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I want to solicit opinions on something. And I hope ya'll don't mind, I'd like to ask here...to hopefully get friendly/objective responses rather than being savaged or having to over explain the background of the situation.
You guys know I've had a hard time with my son. He has mental illness issues, but the new meds do seem to be helping some...though he did hit up the dispensary one last time, and now seems depressive as much as anything, but he's no longer unraveling at the seams with crazy talk every time I see him. It's an improvement, I guess. Issue is, he had to drop school (it really was too much for him) and now he needs to get a job, or he won't be able to pay his rent. He seems really lacking in any sort of motivation to work on applying, though. I feel like he is giving up, and he wants me to just accept that he is going to "go homeless and die." (his oft repeated words.)
I'm considering putting an offer on the table for him. I have already told him that if he doesn't find a way to make rent and ends up evicted, I'll get and pay for a small storage unit so that he does not permanently lose everything he owns. This is the least I can do, I figure, since I can't afford to feed and house him. Well, I'm thinking I can tell him, "on Feb 1, one of two things will happen. Either you'll have a full time job, in which case, if your paychecks just haven't started coming in yet, but so long as you're working, I will loan you the rent and when you get your tax refund you will pay me back.... Or, if you are not employed, we'll get that storage unit in preparation for your eviction."
(The offer of a loan would be new. I don't like loaning money to relatives, but I know he's getting a tax refund and he'll be good for it...so long as he's got a real stream of income on the way, a job--but no job, no loan.)
On the one hand I feel like this is reasonable and might give him some kind of incentive not to give up, which seems to be what he's doing. On the other, it seems like just another act of me "saving" him which I have been thinking I want to try to stop doing that... So I'm conflicted. As usual. Thoughts?
You mentioned that he made one last trip to the dispensary, I am assuming that is the marijuana dispensary, am I correct here? My own feeling is that if he has money for pot, he has money to pay for his own storage unit and if you pay for his storage unit in this situation, what you were really doing is paying for his pot.
The second question is how tight is your own financial situation? You mentioned in a previous thread that you were helping out your Mom and it sounds like you might be helping out your son. If you are in a position where you can afford to do that pretty easily that is one thing, but if you aren't and you need to get repaid what happens if he doesn't repay you? He has got some mental health issues, he seems to have some depression and he might have some substance abuse issues as well. His problems are acute enough where (was it welding) school was too difficult for him. I guess I am wondering about his realistic employment prospects. If he can't pull this off is this going to cause problems in the relationship with your husband.
I am wondering if there is a role for your son's father to play instead of you?
If the problem is more laziness than mental illness, being out in the cold in the winter time will motivate some action. You know your son better than me, but I am wondering if his mental health issues are acute enough where he can't handle welding school, I am wondering about whether he has the life skills to handle full time employment. Spending some time homeless, likely increases the chances that a doctor will sign off that his mental health issues are acute enough to get on SSDI and that will help him get into a group living situation.
I want to solicit opinions on something. And I hope ya'll don't mind, I'd like to ask here...to hopefully get friendly/objective responses rather than being savaged or having to over explain the background of the situation.
You guys know I've had a hard time with my son. He has mental illness issues, but the new meds do seem to be helping some...though he did hit up the dispensary one last time, and now seems depressive as much as anything, but he's no longer unraveling at the seams with crazy talk every time I see him. It's an improvement, I guess. Issue is, he had to drop school (it really was too much for him) and now he needs to get a job, or he won't be able to pay his rent. He seems really lacking in any sort of motivation to work on applying, though. I feel like he is giving up, and he wants me to just accept that he is going to "go homeless and die." (his oft repeated words.)
I'm considering putting an offer on the table for him. I have already told him that if he doesn't find a way to make rent and ends up evicted, I'll get and pay for a small storage unit so that he does not permanently lose everything he owns. This is the least I can do, I figure, since I can't afford to feed and house him. Well, I'm thinking I can tell him, "on Feb 1, one of two things will happen. Either you'll have a full time job, in which case, if your paychecks just haven't started coming in yet, but so long as you're working, I will loan you the rent and when you get your tax refund you will pay me back.... Or, if you are not employed, we'll get that storage unit in preparation for your eviction."
(The offer of a loan would be new. I don't like loaning money to relatives, but I know he's getting a tax refund and he'll be good for it...so long as he's got a real stream of income on the way, a job--but no job, no loan.)
On the one hand I feel like this is reasonable and might give him some kind of incentive not to give up, which seems to be what he's doing. On the other, it seems like just another act of me "saving" him which I have been thinking I want to try to stop doing that... So I'm conflicted. As usual. Thoughts?
Just to throw my opinion out here: If he hit up a dispensary then he has money. He is just choosing to spend it on the wrong things and that is not your problem. Clearly, his priorities are not correct. Again, that is not your problem.
I don't know the full backstory but lots of people have screwed up childhoods and end up being successful and/or stable adults. His screwed up childhood is not an excuse to be a screwed up adult. His father needs to be involved as well-this cannot land all on you.
You got him the storage unit. I would not extend anymore help. He needs to get his shyt together. He is an adult and he needs to start acting like one. I understand he is your son but you are enabling his behavior by constantly bailing him out. He needs to be responsible for his own life.
I'm sending you hugs because I understand it's a very stressful situation to be in but you need to let your baby bird fly on his own
BTW=I'm in Littleton. Did you shop around for storage units because $100 is a lot a month and I'm sure you can find cheaper
@ earlier posts talking about homeless resources, yes I am compiling information on those for him. I will be giving him a printed out list of what I found, but my feeling is that if he is SO DETERMINED to be homeless, then he can reach out to find these solutions. Last night I also spoke to his father, and to my surprise he said that he was actually still willing to give our son shelter if it comes to that. But he wants him to reach out and ask for it. And frankly, I think that's fair. This is kind of the source of my consternation, I am tired of "saving" him against his will, as he digs in his heels and fights me every step of the way. I want my son to take an interest in his own wellbeing, without someone poking and prodding him to do so. But anyhow, there should be some resources that can help him if he does not get a job, and he winds up homeless.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
You mentioned that he made one last trip to the dispensary, I am assuming that is the marijuana dispensary, am I correct here? My own feeling is that if he has money for pot, he has money to pay for his own storage unit and if you pay for his storage unit in this situation, what you were really doing is paying for his pot.
It was an MJ dispensary, yes. His card just expired in the last week. He went a couple of days before it expired and got himself a vape thing, that will last a little while if he uses it sparingly. He does not have other connections to get weed, he has very few friends and none of them are potheads, he isolates himself a lot. He used to get it from his Dad, but his Dad quit, so now he can't do that. He used the Christmas money that his Grandma sent him, for that. About $50. Not enough to make a big difference in his future. He has a little bit of gift money left to get by and feed himself this month, but he has no ongoing source of money, and his rent is $600 due 2/1. If I am paying for his storage unit, I'm not paying for his pot. Because he won't have money coming in from anywhere. He will be homeless. He'll be out of weed with no way to get more, long before that.
The only thing that matters right now, is him putting effort into getting a job...or NOT. And his pot smoking only matters insofar as it demotivates him to do that task. Period. Spending fifty bucks on it or not, doesn't affect much in the long run or the big picture. Maybe it helps him get by psychologically, whatever, I don't care. But potheads and people with issues, can still get and work minimum wage jobs.
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The second question is how tight is your own financial situation? You mentioned in a previous thread that you were helping out your Mom and it sounds like you might be helping out your son. If you are in a position where you can afford to do that pretty easily that is one thing, but if you aren't and you need to get repaid what happens if he doesn't repay you?
I have been stretching myself thin. I'm treading water, and working overtime to do it. But my Mom's situation should improve this month, as her social security checks are supposed to start coming. My help to her has been temporary with relief on the horizon, or I probably wouldn't have wanted to do it in the first place. I don't really like her seeing me as a resource to tap, she's got a pretty messy life.
I can afford to help others...some. Only so much. I can afford to pay for a storage unit for my son indefinitely with no real impact to my finances. That is probably in the ballpark of $60/month realistically, maybe less. No big deal. His rent, though, for his apartment? Or having him in my house running up my utilities, and feeding him? No. If I loan him money I would not be counting on HIM to follow through with repaying me, I have access to his bank accounts. When his W-2 from a job he had in early 2020 comes to my address, which it will, and I prepare his taxes for him, which I will, and he gets the stimulus credits, which he will, and when the direct deposit hits, I'll see it, and I'll transfer the repayment to myself.
What would happen if he changed his password and prevented me from getting repaid? I'd get charged interest on a credit card for a couple of months which would be annoying, but I'd handle it.
Quote:
He has got some mental health issues, he seems to have some depression and he might have some substance abuse issues as well. His problems are acute enough where (was it welding) school was too difficult for him. I guess I am wondering about his realistic employment prospects. If he can't pull this off is this going to cause problems in the relationship with your husband.
I am wondering if there is a role for your son's father to play instead of you?
If the problem is more laziness than mental illness, being out in the cold in the winter time will motivate some action. You know your son better than me, but I am wondering if his mental health issues are acute enough where he can't handle welding school, I am wondering about whether he has the life skills to handle full time employment. Spending some time homeless, likely increases the chances that a doctor will sign off that his mental health issues are acute enough to get on SSDI and that will help him get into a group living situation.
He has schizo-affective disorder. So part delusions/paranoia, and part depression/anxiety. We've been working on meds and we seem to be on the right track with one he's taking now. He is no longer uncontrollably spewing "crazy talk" but he is dealing with some depression...or else he's just stoned. This (the weed) is a change in the last week, after him being off it for a couple of months, so I'm still sussing out where he's at. But he isn't applying for jobs.
He wasn't the one in welding school, that was my older son. This one was trying to go to school for cyber security, but keeping up with those classes was too much. He also dropped out of high school but breezed the GED tests with no serious effort. He's got some natural talent and intelligence, but then sometimes he's off the rails talking about how he thinks he's the antichrist...he wants to just do drugs and have fun, and he's mad that he is expected to work. He wants to be a child, but he doesn't want to be parented. He wants freedoms, but not responsibilities. So it's like...yeah, he has issues...but I do actually think that they are within his ability to manage with meds (if he WANTS TO) and that he can work a job (if he WANTS TO) and no doctor is presently willing to call him disabled.
I am drawing boundaries that I hope prevent this from harming my relationship with my husband. I will not let him move back in with us, or change our plan to move to Phoenix late this year, and he is not going with us when we move. I will not give more financial help than I can afford. I think that so long as I don't let it derail our goals, my husband is supportive of my struggles in this.
As for my Ex, he surprised me last night by saying that he could find a way to shelter our son for a while if he ends up homeless. It's better than nothing but it's not great. My ex has mental issues as well...he's living in an old Army buddy's house. He just dropped out of college and now needs to find a job, he can't keep work, he's kind of in a similar situation as our son really, only he is a vet and he does get some disability money from Army injuries. What sucks is that part of what gets my son really worked up is conspiracy stuff. Conspiracy theory challenges reality and poses many questions about not being able to trust this or that, in a mind already on the brink with delusions and paranoia, that's...not great. My Ex is into Q-anon, and got our son into it as well. So part of the rants I was sitting through were connected to that...and my son has mentioned arming up and attacking "the lizard politicians" too.
So..... Yeah.
Sorry, didn't want to write a whole big thing. I thought that I'd already talked about this whole mess and was not expecting all of these questions.
I am really looking for opinions on whether this offer of a loan (IF AND ONLY IF HE HAS A JOB) is too much "Mommy saving the day" or...is it reasonable thing to do? The point of the offer is to counter his feeling that there's no point in finding a job because paychecks won't start coming in time to handle rent anyways, might as well just enjoy himself until the end...to be like, no, if you get a job, you'll be OK. I won't do it if he doesn't have a job on 2/1. Never mind the storage unit. That offer is already on the table, I'm not asking about that.
EDIT: Dammit. I'm sorry about all of this. I should seriously have just posted this in Parenting or something, I did not want to drag this into these weeds. I feel like I'm making our conversation "all about me" ...and I damn certain am NOT the only one (or even the main one) needing support here.
I only really wanted opinions on whether people thought I should offer the kid a loan or not. I'm struggling with choices like this. And I trust you guys.
Last edited by Sonic_Spork; 01-06-2021 at 09:07 AM..
Sorry, didn't want to write a whole big thing. I thought that I'd already talked about this whole mess and was not expecting all of these questions.
I am really looking for opinions on whether this offer of a loan (IF AND ONLY IF HE HAS A JOB) is too much "Mommy saving the day" or...is it reasonable thing to do? The point of the offer is to counter his feeling that there's no point in finding a job because paychecks won't start coming in time to handle rent anyways, might as well just enjoy himself until the end...to be like, no, if you get a job, you'll be OK. I won't do it if he doesn't have a job on 2/1. Never mind the storage unit. That offer is already on the table, I'm not asking about that.
EDIT: Dammit. I'm sorry about all of this. I should seriously have just posted this in Parenting or something, I did not want to drag this into these weeds. I feel like I'm making our conversation "all about me" ...and I damn certain am NOT the only one (or even the main one) needing support here.
I only really wanted opinions on whether people thought I should offer the kid a loan or not. I'm struggling with choices like this. And I trust you guys.
I'm so sorry your son is struggling and that you're in a quandary about how to help him. It's hard stuff to work through.
On this site any time or attention we devote to you was paid forward a long time ago. And you know it's OK for it to be about you anyway, right? Because it is.
I think your consideration of a loan makes sense for the reasons you list. If you don't try this or something like it, I think there's very little likelihood your son will look for work based on what you've stated. This gives him some incentive in the form of a bridge until the benefit of working, a paycheck, kicks in. Paying you back, however slowly, sounds like it would be a huge step, so you're setting up another potential positive in the future.
I think your plan makes sense, gives your son something to work with, and keeps you in his corner in a healthy way.
I am really looking for opinions on whether this offer of a loan (IF AND ONLY IF HE HAS A JOB) is too much "Mommy saving the day" or...is it reasonable thing to do? The point of the offer is to counter his feeling that there's no point in finding a job because paychecks won't start coming in time to handle rent anyways, might as well just enjoy himself until the end...to be like, no, if you get a job, you'll be OK. I won't do it if he doesn't have a job on 2/1. Never mind the storage unit. That offer is already on the table, I'm not asking about that.
EDIT: Dammit. I'm sorry about all of this. I should seriously have just posted this in Parenting or something, I did not want to drag this into these weeds. I feel like I'm making our conversation "all about me" ...and I damn certain am NOT the only one (or even the main one) needing support here.
I only really wanted opinions on whether people thought I should offer the kid a loan or not. I'm struggling with choices like this. And I trust you guys.
You aren't much of a complainer, so sometimes I am not sure if the problems you are dealing with are actually more acute than you are letting on.
My own thought is that it is reasonable to help out your son, if its not messing up your relationship with your husband and if helping him won't put you in a bind that is too difficult for you to bounce back from if your son continues to screw up. It sounds like helping him out to the extent you are isn't affecting your relationship with your husband and it sounds like you can still manage pretty well even if he doesn't pay you back, so go for it.
I hope that all of you are watching the news right now.
History is happening.
I remember reading about great historical events and wondering what it must have been like to live through such times of upheaval and importance. It's...not great.
I remember reading about great historical events and wondering what it must have been like to live through such times of upheaval and importance. It's...not great.
I was born in 1957, so I was somewhat aware in the mid and late '60s when it seemed every political or social leader advocating change was shot. This feels more unsettling. More systemic. I was a kid then, but what I didn't grasp I picked up from watching the adults around me, especially in '63 when JFK was shot. And my father was a pretty knee jerk conservative and the adult I most looked to for understanding, so I didn't see those times through especially naive eyes. It was bad ****.
This seems more, something. Destabilizing I guess.
I have to say, since I cannot switch off my sense of humor, even though I know how serious this is (I really do, I promise.)
Watching that handful of random Trumpies wander aimlessly around the floor rifling through desks like "OK we made it now what?"... I'm just like, if none of them takes this opportunity to draw a penis on a desk surface, what the hell are they even doing? What, even, is the point?
It would be downright unAmerican not to. Given the opportunity. Which is unAmerican in and of itself of course. But still.
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