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Wow, so many women loving their kids more than their own husbands and finding that perfectly normal. I don't agree with that at all. No wonder so many young adults grow up feeling entitled. I do realize babies and small children need tending to by both parents as they are helpless, but come on! Kids grow up and move on with their lives, or they should. Come on wives, be good to your husbands, and make them your priority. When the kids are gone, you'll have each other to love and depend on
Many married men are disposable utilities to many married women.
Love of their men? - read the sentence above which it equals.
To those not believing that look at who initiates divorce the most by far.
Grown kids in adulthood should be responsible for their own needs.
Going on 35 years of marriage we've raised three, I was a full time stay at home wife/mother for 30's years, not once have I ever had ask permission to money, hubby made it clear, it was our money, yet we respect each other enough to include each other input in how the money was spent. Yes we love our babies but you realize if you want them to responsible capable adults who can stand on their own at some point you need say no and cut the apron-strings , and very much like the mother bird who pushes the baby bird out of it's nest, you fly or hit bottom yet you keep trying and at some point they get it, they fly....Otherwise your going end up taking on their mistake in the end, like unplanned kids etc! The hubby & I are retired now, still we both seek-out each other advice before making big decisions! ...
Last edited by WildCard~; 05-11-2017 at 05:29 PM..
Going on 35 years of marriage we've raised three, I was a full time stay at home wife/mother for 30's years, not once have I ever had ask permission to money, hubby made it clear, it was our money, yet we respect each other enough to include each other input in how the money was spent. Yes we love our babies but you realize if you want them to responsible capable adults who can stand on their own at some point, you need say no and cut the apron-cord, and very much like the mother bird who pushes the baby bird out of it's nest, you fly or hit bottom yet you keep trying and at some point they get it, they fly....Otherwise your going end up taking on their mistake in the end, like unplanned kids etc! The hubby & I are retired now, still we both seek-out each other advice before making big decisions! ...
Going on 35 years of marriage we've raised three, I was a full time stay at home wife/mother for 30's years, not once have I ever had ask permission to money, hubby made it clear, it was our money, yet we respect each other enough to include each other input in how the money was spent. Yes we love our babies but you realize if you want them to responsible capable adults who can stand on their own at some point, you need say no and cut the apron-cord, and very much like the mother bird who pushes the baby bird out of it's nest, you fly or hit bottom yet you keep trying and at some point they get it, they fly....Otherwise your going end up taking on their mistake in the end, like unplanned kids etc! The hubby & I are retired now, still we both seek-out each other advice before making big decisions! ...
Wife bought a car for stepdaughter against my wishes…
Seeking some independent opinion here…
I have two adult stepdaughters, who I and my wife raised from the ages of four and five. The girls both call me dad, and I have never referred to them as stepdaughters, except for this post just for perspective. We also have a 17-year-old child together.
They are 25 and 26 and just can't seem to get it together. One bounces from waffle house to IHOP to dominoes, bounces from one apartment to another, from one boyfriend to another and seems destined never to make much of her self.
The younger one, against my advice to stay and live with us and go to college, just had to move out. Then against my advice again, got pregnant with a man she wasn't married to. She did start going to school though, and I told her whatever you do don't get pregnant with this man again. Well she did, again. Their commonlaw marriage was an emotional train wreck and my wife and I had to get involved in a number of times with their middle of the night spats. Ultimately, they recently split and somehow her vehicle was tied to his by title, meaning he cosigned on her car note and offered his truck title as collateral. Long story shorter, he refused to sign over his title or something at their split and her car was going to be repossessed.
I had to go to another state to work a couple months ago, and my youngest daughter call me to chat one day, and I asked her "what are you up to?" She casually mentioned that she was doing something on her own and that my wife was at the car dealership with our middle daughter (my step). I had a feeling I knew where this was going, so I called my wife immediately and asked what she was doing. She stated that her car was about to be repossessed and she had to do something and they were at the dealership in the process of working a deal/trade-in.
I said "DO NOT COSIGN FOR HER!" under any circumstances. She said, she had to do something as she soon wouldn't have a vehicle. I again reiterated, do not cosign, we've discussed this before and you never cosign, because you'll end up paying for the loan yourself. My wife got frustrated and said she was with the salesman and didn't have time to talk anymore and had to go. I again said OK but don't cosign. Wife and I have been hit up for cosigning before a couple times and I always advised against it and said we could not do it.
A couple hours later, when I was able to reach her again, I found out that she followed my advice and did not cosign.
Instead, she just purchased the car for her and took out a $20,000 loan against her credit and our finances. The car was $14,000 with $6000 upside down rolled into it it is a Ford fusion.
I about lost my mind with anger when I found out. My wife and I are about to make a cross-country move across multiple states, involving a home purchase, and we both have cars, both 2006's with well over 100 K on each and will need to be replaced soon. In addition next year our youngest daughter will be graduating high school and we don't yet know what kind of financial assistance or what not we will have to deal with with her.
I asked my wife why did you not call me, and she said there was just a lot going on and she had to do something. I more or less got her to admit that she knew my answer was regarding cosigning, so she did not want to consult me on it because she knew what I would say.
I told her that I'm always willing to help the girls, but the right answer would have been to give our daughter the paid for 2006 car and for my wife to get a new car for herself. I tried to talk my wife into on doing it, tried to talk her into going and getting the keys from my daughter and giving her our used car with the mindset that what better way to help our struggling daughter out then to provide a cheaply insured, fully paid for, well taken care of car. Wife refused.
Since my wife and I bought our 2006 vehicles, this daughter has had a 2009 Toyota, 2011 Chevy equinox, a 2014 Honda accord and all cars started with low miles and in great condition and all were trashed if not wrecked as well by the time she got rid of them.
To be fair and paiint the story accurately, my wife claims that the $400 a month car payment will come directly out of an account that my daughter will put money into, and that my daughter will be paying for the car. If that happens at all, I don't believe it will last because we still pay phone bills for my 25 and 26-year-old daughters because they can never make ends meet and pay their share of the family plan, so my phone bill is over $300 every month. With her financial history, I know, I just know that we will ultimately be paying for the car.
That was the background, now the point:
My wife and I have always had joint accounts, I have always let her handle all of the finances and have given her 100% trust. I always consult her on purchases of any significance, this could even include something of $100.
I was burned up about it for a week or two, and because I'm at a distance it was easy to not talk to her, you know the silent treatment. It wasn't exactly malicious, and I wasn't trying to punish her, I was just so angry and that topic was the only thing I would've wanted to discuss, so I just didn't talk to her.
Eventually, a few weeks went by and we started talking and I had to squeeze a very weak half assed apology out of her for going behind my back, but in all honesty, I still don't feel like she really apologized. Like I mentioned to her, if I had screwed up this big in our marriage I 'd have been on my knees (figuratively) begging for forgiveness. Her attitude and the way I read her is " I had to do it " for my daughter.
And that translates to me as a BIG GIANT *** U, my daughter is more important to me than you, and I don't respect you or your opinion!
And as the weeks have gone by, I still can't let it go. I am just still so angry and hurt that she defied my wishes, defied commonsense, defied great financial advice (we were both avid Dave Ramsey listeners) and always seemed to be on the same sheet of music regarding finances.
I spoke with my daughter about how that car, and the fact that her poor choices in life against my advice have put her in the situation she is in where she has no credit and cannot buy a car of her own, and that it has driven a wedge between her mother and I because her mother broke our trust, and that she needed to give her mother the keys to that car and take the paid for car which is better for her cash strapped budget anyway. She refused of course, and the conversation ended with her telling me that she hates me and never wants to talk to me again..
Some of you may find it trivial, but I find these actions to be a big giant betrayal of the trust I thought my wife and I shared. I now feel like I can't trust my wife with our finances. What's going to keep her from buying another car for our oldest daughter behind my back?
I lost trust in her..
I am also hurt that she didn't respect me enough to involve me in the decision and that it seems like she chose sides, and her daughter was more important to her then doing the right thing by our relationship. This makes me feel like she doesn't respect me at all. I would never do something like that to her and beg for forgiveness later; not that she ever begged for forgiveness, to be clear..
I lost respect for her, because she did not respect me…
I am angry at her for this situation and she is angry at me for being angry at her, if that makes any sense and she does not want to talk about it at all, ever, period. Anytime I bring it up, it's an instant fight.
And I fear, no " I know" in my heart that we will be making that car payment for the next five years, which is going to impact our finances, impact our debt to income ratio when purchasing a house, and impact our ability to replace our aging cars.
So what do I have left in a marriage, if I can't trust my wife with our finances, I think she doesn't respect me and I've lost respect for her as well.
What do we have left?
Where do we go from here?
FYI, this is not our only issue in our marriage, without going into detail, we've had our ups and downs as well I think both of us become self absorbed and focus on work as a distraction, but for me this was by far the biggest issue we've had because it has to do with trust and respect.
YOUR THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS REGARDING HOW YOU'D HANDLE THIS SITUATION APPRECIATED.
Did you say you were away when this happened? When husband is away the wife becomes the role of the Vice President. Your role as the President is to support her. You failed. She did what she thought was right. Your place is to love her enough not to notice she did anything wrong.
Bet you wouldn't think twice making the decision in this case if your wife were away. Doesn't she help make the money. Why not trust her enough to decide how to use some of it?
[quote=NCN;48126575]Did you say you were away when this happened? When husband is away the wife becomes the role of the Vice President. Your role as the President is to support her. You failed. She did what she thought was right. Your place is to love her enough not to notice she did anything wrong.
Bet you wouldn't think twice making the decision in this case if your wife were away. Doesn't she help make the money. Why not trust her enough to decide how to use some of it?
Quote:
pregnant with a man she wasn't married to. She did start going to school though, and I told her whatever you do don't get pregnant with this man again.
This daughter has had a 2009 Toyota, 2011 Chevy equinox, a 2014 Honda accord and all cars started with low miles and in great condition and all were trashed if not wrecked as well by the time she got rid of them.
Hubby & wife are a team and should work as one and come to agreement, no matter who in charge! ... The problem from what I gather this is an adult who keeps making bad decisions and mommy keeps cleaning up after her, and not being responsible-for her own doings! There comes a point as a parents you got cut em off, your not helping them your enabling them. Plus the man right about the older car that's paid for should've gone to this irresponsible supposed adult, the wife should've bought herself the newer car! As long as this daughter cannot and will not provide for her own needs and her children, well she has no say, she a free loader at best, the parents should go together and switch the cars out ! Really if this daughter wants respect and treated like adult with all the privileges, then she needs to earn it! Otherwise she needs shut up do as she told, since other are taken care of her!
Did you say you were away when this happened? When husband is away the wife becomes the role of the Vice President. Your role as the President is to support her. You failed. She did what she thought was right. Your place is to love her enough not to notice she did anything wrong.
Bet you wouldn't think twice making the decision in this case if your wife were away. Doesn't she help make the money. Why not trust her enough to decide how to use some of it?
Hubby & wife are a team and should work as one and come to agreement, no matter who in charge! ... The problem from what I gather this is an adult who keeps making bad decisions and mommy keeps cleaning up after her, and not being responsible-for her own doings! There comes a point as a parents you got cut em off, your not helping them your enabling them. Plus the man right about the older car that's paid for should've gone to this irresponsible supposed adult, the wife should've bought herself the newer car! As long as this daughter cannot and will not provide for her own needs and her children, well she has no say, she a free loader at best, the parents should go together and switch the cars out ! Really if this daughter wants respect and treated like adult with all the privileges, then she needs to earn it! Otherwise she needs shut up do as she told, since other are taken care of her!
You begrudge your wife helping her daughter buy a safe car when she has two lil babies. A vehicle is a necessity. Perhaps your wife decided she'd rather help with a car then be the one called for rides.
If this is your deal breaker, than so be it.
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