Wife bought a car for stepdaughter against my wishes… (long-term, marry, young)

[StilltheSame]

Originally Posted by Switchback

For the record, I treated both girls like my own from day one and to the present. The offer to help them was always there and we have a number of times, so there shouldn't be a difference.


Yes, I understand the dynamic could be a little different with a bio-kid, but if the youngest one was 18 now and called today and said her car was about to be repo'ed, I'd tell my wife, "Honey, let's give her your paid for car and you go get another one".


Which is coincidentally exactly what I wanted to do for the older daughter...


If she needed some cash, I'd give her some within reason after consulting with my wife, which is coincidentally exactly what we've done with the other two girls..


So, the answer is yes..

Sorry if this has been said. Before doing anything further I think a mediator or counselor would be very helpful to explain why you are so upset. Your wife may see the reasoning as something very different and you may not be able to communicate to each other in this topic in an effective manner.

[Scrat335]

I'd trust my instincts here and put a hold on any joint obligations and most likely any future involvement with these individuals.

I can see your wife wanting to support her daughter and understand it too. Problem is the daughter is obviously a moron. I don't do stupid.

I think I'd file for divorce all things considered.

[NancyDrew1]

Originally Posted by Montanaguy04

Even if the man was the father of said children?

In a true healthy marriage couples put the others needs in front of or at worst equal to theirs. Children are a by product of a marriage. He/she came before the kids. Without the other there would be no kids. Women much more so then men put the kids above their spouse, I guess its biological for women.

In the case where the man isn't the father of said kids I completely agree that the kids come before him. It is for this reason why I don't believe a man should get into relationships with women that already have kids because he will NEVER be #1 in her life like she will be #1 in his life.

You will get situations just like this happening.

Ensuring your adult child has an additional car payment of $400 a month isn't putting her first
Secondly, you put your children first by modeling a healthy relationship. Not hanging up or making excuses when your spouse puts your child first telling you no, don't get the car. That is what he was saying and she got that free and clear. No one co-signs for a loan for the kids for a car that they cannot afford and to boot, lets her keep the brand new car and not just give the one they already own to her.

This lady is disrespecting her husband. My husband handles our finances but he would never do such against my wishes with our son. Biological or not.

This mother is not being a good mother, period. And she's far from being a decent wife, this is bad. Not saying she hasn't done well in other areas but this went way too far.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by NancyDrew1

Ensuring your adult child has an additional car payment of $400 a month isn't putting her first
Secondly, you put your children first by modeling a healthy relationship. Not hanging up or making excuses when your spouse puts your child first telling you no, don't get the car. That is what he was saying and she got that free and clear. No one co-signs for a loan for the kids for a car that they cannot afford and to boot, lets her keep the brand new car and not just give the one they already own to her.

This lady is disrespecting her husband. My husband handles our finances but he would never do such against my wishes with our son. Biological or not.

This mother is not being a good mother, period. And she's far from being a decent wife, this is bad. Not saying she hasn't done well in other areas but this went way too far.

Completely agree.

[Seija]

Originally Posted by Switchback

They are 25 and 26 and just can't seem to get it together. One bounces from waffle house to IHOP to dominoes, bounces from one apartment to another, from one boyfriend to another and seems destined never to make much of her self.

The younger one, against my advice to stay and live with us and go to college, just had to move out. Then against my advice again, got pregnant with a man she wasn't married to. She did start going to school though, and I told her whatever you do don't get pregnant with this man again. Well she did, again. Their commonlaw marriage was an emotional train wreck and my wife and I had to get involved in a number of times with their middle of the night spats. Ultimately, they recently split and somehow her vehicle was tied to his by title, meaning he cosigned on her car note and offered his truck title as collateral. Long story shorter, he refused to sign over his title or something at their split and her car was going to be repossessed.

It must be difficult to accept that adults will do what they want to do despite your advice, which I am sure certainly must have been delivered in response to an actual request for it and not because you simply believe that you know best for everyone and feel compelled to share your wisdom and opinion at all times.

Originally Posted by Switchback

I said "DO NOT COSIGN FOR HER!" under any circumstances. She said, she had to do something as she soon wouldn't have a vehicle. I again reiterated, do not cosign, we've discussed this before and you never cosign, because you'll end up paying for the loan yourself. My wife got frustrated and said she was with the salesman and didn't have time to talk anymore and had to go. I again said OK but don't cosign. Wife and I have been hit up for cosigning before a couple times and I always advised against it and said we could not do it.

I believe this is called "mansplaining" as though your wife is too stupid to understand what cosigning is. The issue here is that if your wife works (does she?) and has her own income then yes if your daughter defaults your WIFE will have to pay for the loan herself. If your daughter defaults on the loan, it is your wife's problem, not yours.

Originally Posted by Switchback

A couple hours later, when I was able to reach her again, I found out that she followed my advice and did not cosign.

Instead, she just purchased the car for her and took out a $20,000 loan against her credit and our finances. The car was $14,000 with $6000 upside down rolled into it it is a Ford fusion.

I about lost my mind with anger when I found out. My wife and I are about to make a cross-country move across multiple states, involving a home purchase, and we both have cars, both 2006's with well over 100 K on each and will need to be replaced soon. In addition next year our youngest daughter will be graduating high school and we don't yet know what kind of financial assistance or what not we will have to deal with with her.

Well then, you see that your wife took your advice and now you are still not happy because to you it seems she did something worse than her original plan.

Originally Posted by Switchback

I asked my wife why did you not call me, and she said there was just a lot going on and she had to do something. I more or less got her to admit that she knew my answer was regarding cosigning, so she did not want to consult me on it because she knew what I would say.

I told her that I'm always willing to help the girls, but the right answer would have been to give our daughter the paid for 2006 car and for my wife to get a new car for herself. I tried to talk my wife into on doing it, tried to talk her into going and getting the keys from my daughter and giving her our used car with the mindset that what better way to help our struggling daughter out then to provide a cheaply insured, fully paid for, well taken care of car. Wife refused.

Yes, here you are telling your wife what the "right answer" should be, again because you know all that is good and right and true, I assume.

Originally Posted by Switchback

I was burned up about it for a week or two, and because I'm at a distance it was easy to not talk to her, you know the silent treatment. It wasn't exactly malicious, and I wasn't trying to punish her, I was just so angry and that topic was the only thing I would've wanted to discuss, so I just didn't talk to her.

Your wife did not do what you "advised" her to do so you did not speak to her. How manipulative! How is this not an attempt to punish her? This is like when children hold their breath except that children eventually pass out.

Originally Posted by Switchback

Eventually, a few weeks went by and we started talking and I had to squeeze a very weak half assed apology out of her for going behind my back, but in all honesty, I still don't feel like she really apologized. Like I mentioned to her, if I had screwed up this big in our marriage I 'd have been on my knees (figuratively) begging for forgiveness. Her attitude and the way I read her is " I had to do it " for my daughter.

You coerced an apology out of her and you wonder why you do not feel like it was sincere? Something tells me that even if it was sincere it would still not be enough for you.

Originally Posted by Switchback

And that translates to me as a BIG GIANT *** U, my daughter is more important to me than you, and I don't respect you or your opinion!

And with the way you speak of them and to them, I cannot imagine why they decided to disregard your sage advice and wisdom. Surely they could not be tired of mansplaining and dictatorial "man is head of household" attitudes.

Originally Posted by Switchback

I spoke with my daughter about how that car, and the fact that her poor choices in life against my advice have put her in the situation she is in where she has no credit and cannot buy a car of her own, and that it has driven a wedge between her mother and I because her mother broke our trust, and that she needed to give her mother the keys to that car and take the paid for car which is better for her cash strapped budget anyway. She refused of course, and the conversation ended with her telling me that she hates me and never wants to talk to me again..

Now you blame your marital troubles on your daughter. Truly an adult thing to do, for it would make no sense for you to step back and assess why people in your own family no longer listen to you or care what you think.

Originally Posted by Switchback

I lost trust in her..

No, it seems to me you lost trust in the notion that everybody in your family will do what you think and say they should do. This must be a terrible bit of cold water to your face.

Originally Posted by Switchback

YOUR THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS REGARDING HOW YOU'D HANDLE THIS SITUATION APPRECIATED.

Somehow I doubt mine will be.

[Seija]

Originally Posted by AprilFlowers17

Whoa, whoa dude...calm down! I was just giving you my opinion on your situation from MY perspective. And, you're WRONG...my reaction would be the same if the shoe was on the other foot. A father also has an unbreakable bond and unconditional love with HIS CHILD! The parental bond with their child applies to BOTH genders, NOT just to moms. THIS is why you should never assume what someone's thoughts or intentions are at! You didn't even bother to ASK me if that was my position - and instead - you chose to jump down my throat!

Holy Jesus, Mary Mother of Christ......you've got some MAJOR anger and rage inside of you!

Such anger and rage do not come out of nowhere. The rest of the family has probably been living under the threat of it for however long he and his wife have been married.

The difference is that now that the daughters are grown (for the most part but even the youngest one is about to be of legal age) they have probably decided that there is nothing he can do about their actions except get angry so they are going to do what they feel is best. So many men in their 50s go through this. One day the "little woman" goes against their "wishes" on something major and "suddenly" they feel their whole house comes crashing down. The trouble is that without fail it is a long time coming. They were just too busy controlling everyone else and talking about what everyone else should do that they couldn't hear the trouble brewing over the sound of their own voices.

[lkmax]

OP, I would be upset too. But I can't see this actually being a dealbreaker in your 20-year marriage. If so, your marriage isn't much to start with.

Originally Posted by ClaraC

Maybe the best solution at this point is if she defaults on the loan and can't pay the car payment, revisit the idea that she get the used car and you repossess the new one and use it.

I like this idea. Give your daughter a chance to do the right thing and make the payment. If she doesn't, she loses the car.

Originally Posted by Sassybluesy

I think there's a dynamic at play, that no one's talking about. There are grandchildren now.

Is your wife on board with this future move across several states? Is the move work related, and thus somewhat unavoidable? I'm thinking maybe your wife is a little guilt stricken that she will be moving many many miles away, leaving this dependent daughter and grandchild to their own devices...and she's trying to do what she can, to "set them up" for the future.

I'm not commenting on the rightness or wrongness of it, but I DO kind of wonder if that's where her motivation is coming from.

Yes...I can see this. It's hard enough for a single mom with two babies to try to make it without a car. Your wife might not like the idea of leaving her daughter and grandbabies behind without a car or with an older, possibly not reliable car (even if the car isn't having problems now, they're likely coming) when she isn't around to help her if needed.

Originally Posted by Switchback

When I say the girls make poor decisions, I want to be clear and offer that they generally finance their own lifestyles and pay their own bills (except for the phone bill).. They need a little help from time to time, but who doesn't? I just didn't and don't ever want to carry a car note for them, especially when they've each been through several newer cars than the old 2006's my wife and I have been driving for over 10 years, because they don't take care of them. My daughter wouldn't be struggling at all if she had taken my advice and not had kid and then another kid with that guy. Before the first kid came along they were already fighting over him cheating on her and then she went and allowed herself to get pregnant and have a kid with him. These are the poor decisions I speak of.

I think this is a big problem for you. I think you really don't like it when your wife and daughters don't listen to you and take your advice. I can understand; I feel that way sometimes myself. I tend to think things through a little more than some of the people in my life, and I get frustrated when I give good advice, they don't listen and then things blow up in their face.

That said, the babies were born. They're here. There's no going back. You've already made it clear to your daughter that you don't approve of her having another child, but there's nothing that can be done about that now. There's really no reason to keep beating a dead horse about it. Sure, maybe you feel that she should face the consequences of these actions, but in many cases, people only want to see their loved ones struggle/hurt so much. Her mom wants to help her out, regardless of her mistakes.

Originally Posted by Switchback

I have trusted her completely and it has been this way for 20 years, until now.

I would never, NEVER disrespect her by doing something she said she was adamantly opposed to.

If I did, I'd expect her to be very offended and hurt.

This isn't a one time thing either, it is the gift that keeps on giving, once a month, for the next 60 months, so I will routinely be reminded of it..

I understand that you're upset. I don't blame you. I can understand you being angry and hurt. But I do think you're being a little bit dramatic about it. If this is the first time she's "screwed up" in 20 years, doesn't she deserve a little bit of a pass? Can't you work through this together?

Originally Posted by Butterflyfish

Secondly, you have over a 20 year history together, where your wife has been,responsible and trustworthy. This is not a recurring issue. It's a one-time isolated event. I would not throw my marriage away over a $20,000 disagreement.

Agreed.

[Chowhound]

This thread has gone into some stupid silly feminazi grounds.

Anyone with a brain should acknowledge that a man and woman should mutually agree on large purchases. Has nothing to do with oppression from the man or whatever stupid crap some say.

[WildCard~]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

This thread has gone into some stupid silly feminazi grounds.

Anyone with a brain should acknowledge that a man and woman should mutually agree on large purchases. Has nothing to do with oppression from the man or whatever stupid crap some say.

Agree!

[NancyDrew1]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

This thread has gone into some stupid silly feminazi grounds.

Anyone with a brain should acknowledge that a man and woman should mutually agree on large purchases. Has nothing to do with oppression from the man or whatever stupid crap some say.

Spot On