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She's backed me into a corner where I either quit the marriage or swallow my pride and go back knowing I've opened the door for more disrespectful behavior.
I understand.
To me, that is the crux of it.
Either I stay, and act like a doormat and keep "taking it" (which is something I cannot do), or I stand up and say, "This is a dealbreaker for me, and you've made it clear you don't care. If you do, tell me now, otherwise, I am gone."
Either I stay, and act like a doormat and keep "taking it" (which is something I cannot do), or I stand up and say, "This is a dealbreaker for me, and you've made it clear you don't care. If you do, tell me now, otherwise, I am gone."
It's not that simple though..
She will tell me that she cares..
But, she will not "un-do" the car deal, and she will not agree to cut off the phone accounts and everything will stay the same..
Nothing will change...and I'd then just have to let it go...
But, she will not "un-do" the car deal, and she will not agree to cut off the phone accounts and everything will stay the same..
Nothing will change...and I'd then just have to let it go...
And she probably does care. Unfortunately, your relationship is not at the top of the priority list. Her relationship with her kids, even at their age, is.
Whereas I understand this can be viewed as appropriate, her actions have highlighted that division and underscored just how wide a division it is.
However, filing for divorce doesn't necessarily mean the end. What it means is it is the end of the way things are at that moment. It drives home the point that you are not willing to live with the status quo and either changes are made you can both live with or the process automatically moves forward until the marriage dissolves.
It will be interesting to see what her reaction is when she is served with the divorce papers. That alone could tell you if there is something to repair or if there is no going back.
Well we had a very long conversation last night where I calmly explained how the car purchase and other enabling decisions we've been fighting about for years make me feel regarding a loss of trust as well as respect for her and that I am not ok with it.
I didn't say the words (I want a.....) but I did ask her if we are dysfunctional enough when it comes to parenting that we might just be better off apart and that maybe we were just delaying the inevitable? She didn't really answer..
She said she had thought about us parting before, but that obviously I'd been thinking about it a lot more..
She we went off on a tangent where I now understand that she feels guilty about how the older girls left home, blames me for it as well as herself for going along with me as she put it. What this is about was the problem we had with both girls where I/we offered for them to stay and live at home after high school, go to college and work and live and eat free. However, a caveat was that they had to keep some reasonable hours, meaning be home by our bedtime (11:00 week nights) because we both work. Neither girl could abide by this and there was some serious friction between mainly me, the light sleeper and "the enforcer of the house" and both ultimately decided they wanted to go get their own apartment. This was against my advice and I appealed to them both to just keep some respectable hours and we'd be good, but both opted to move out. My wife said last night, "we should have made them stay" and they would have been much better off...which legally we couldn't have, but that is her opinion.
I told her that I wondered if she'd just be happier staying in Texas where she is, near the grand babies and without me and the friction between us and asked if she'd felt the same...she wouldn't really say..
She said she had a feeling I wasn't going to forgive her over this and I asked why she would then risk it when she knew I'd be upset and she wouldn't really answer.
I told her that I lost a lot of trust in her over this as well as respect because she showed me none and that why would anyone want to be with someone they don't trust or respect?
She began to cry..but continued talking to me for a while..
She cried through the rest of the conversation and eventually asked if she could go and we hung up. I don't know why she "asked" if she could go, she doesn't need my permission to end the conversation and I thought that was odd.
She did not tell me she loves me (neither did I although I do) she did not apologize or ask me to give her another chance to prove she cares and is committed to me or anything of that matter.
I don't know if her crying (which she rarely does at least in my presence) was frustration at being torn between her girls and me, the thought of the loss of 20+ years of history together or what..
That said, I am satisfied and feel so much better that I finally got her to hear me out about how I feel and how her actions make me feel without cutting off the conversation and telling me she doesn't want to talk about it.
However, I went to bed upset and sad that she was crying and still feel the same way this morning. I do really love and care about her and hate to see her hurting..
Relationships are difficult is an understatement..
She didn't really answer..
...
She said she had thought about us parting before
...
she wouldn't really say
...
She said she had a feeling I wasn't going to forgive her over this
...
She cried through the rest of the conversation and eventually asked if she could go
...
She did not tell me she loves me (neither did I although I do) she did not apologize or ask me to give her another chance
In my opinion, she is crying over the fact that her decisions ultimately have led to the end of her marriage, BUT she is not sorry about it.
If it were me, I would go ahead with divorce proceedings. She is still blaming you for her children being irresponsible, to the point that she would have gladly let them stay in your house breaking the rules, instead of making them be adults.
The End.
I'm sorry OP. It sucks but at least you know where she stands.
I'm all for not rushing judgment. Maybe give it a day or so for the conversation to sink in and for her to give it some thought now that you were able to explain how you feel about all this.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,605 posts, read 17,935,039 times
Reputation: 50632
Quote:
Originally Posted by Switchback
Well we had a very long conversation last night where I calmly explained how the car purchase and other enabling decisions we've been fighting about for years make me feel regarding a loss of trust as well as respect for her and that I am not ok with it.
She we went off on a tangent where I now understand that she feels guilty about how the older girls left home, blames me for it as well as herself for going along with me as she put it. What this is about was the problem we had with both girls where I/we offered for them to stay and live at home after high school, go to college and work and live and eat free. However, a caveat was that they had to keep some reasonable hours, meaning be home by our bedtime (11:00 week nights) because we both work. Neither girl could abide by this and there was some serious friction between mainly me, the light sleeper and "the enforcer of the house" and both ultimately decided they wanted to go get their own apartment. This was against my advice and I appealed to them both to just keep some respectable hours and we'd be good, but both opted to move out. My wife said last night, "we should have made them stay" and they would have been much better off...which legally we couldn't have, but that is her opinion.
Relationships are difficult is an understatement..
Finally, finally, after 18 pages of discussion the core truth of your disagreement comes out. This isn't a "tangent" Switchback - this is the crux of your disagreement about the car.
Despite you saying that you have a wonderful relationship with your two adult stepdaughters, in fact, you don't, and you probably never have - or anyway not for a very long time. You're the "enforcer", enforcing a rigid set of rules on them that in my opinion treat them like children. Using the excuse that you don't sleep well, you made rules for them that made them continue to feel like children when they were trying to grow into adults.
Your controlling behavior drove them out. Now your wife feels guilty she didn't stick up for them, or treat them as her friends were treating their daughters which is to say send them off to college, and not require that they live at home "free". If you could afford college, my guess is, that's what your wife wanted and your stepdaughters wanted.
This has nothing at all to do with a new car. This has to do with your wife wanting a "do over" and wish she had stuck up for her children against your unreasonable and rigid enforcer personality.
Finally, finally, after 18 pages of discussion the core truth of your disagreement comes out. This isn't a "tangent" Switchback - this is the crux of your disagreement about the car.
Despite you saying that you have a wonderful relationship with your two adult stepdaughters, in fact, you don't, and you probably never have - or anyway not for a very long time. You're the "enforcer", enforcing a rigid set of rules on them that in my opinion treat them like children. Using the excuse that you don't sleep well, you made rules for them that made them continue to feel like children when they were trying to grow into adults.
Your controlling behavior drove them out. Now your wife feels guilty she didn't stick up for them, or treat them as her friends were treating their daughters which is to say send them off to college, and not require that they live at home "free". If you could afford college, my guess is, that's what your wife wanted and your stepdaughters wanted.
This has nothing at all to do with a new car. This has to do with your wife wanting a "do over" and wish she had stuck up for her children against your unreasonable and rigid enforcer personality.
Not the impression I got at all. From what I read the OP's requests were more than reasonable.
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