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Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 674,019 times
Reputation: 1525
Wow OP.....you're a better person than I am, because I'll tell you right here and now, IF I had a relationship with AND THEN got married to a man that I thought was a MAN and someone that I could trust for almost a DECADE, and they didn't smile or seemed happy during that whole entire time and THEN decided to finally tell me that they're transgendered - I don't care how many years I've invested emotionally in them - I would get an annulment immediately, without hesitation. He/she LIED to you! Your marriage, your relationship, all the time you spent with him/her...everythingwas a LIE. He/she ROBBED you of almost TEN YEARS of your life - you can't ever get those years back.
It doesn't matter that they haven't 'processed or resolved' this within their own mind yet or was 'too scared' to come out during all those YEARS. I mean, my God - something like this NEEDS TO BE DISCLOSED to the person THEY are having a relationship and marriage with!!! That other person DESERVES TO KNOW something like this BEFORE they enter into a relationship with them! I mean seriously, that's just so crazy that he/she actually DID this to the OP! Cruel, selfish and cowardly are adjectives that come to my mind with regard to the OP's husband/wife/whatever.
And, on top of THAT, he/she is now even MORE 'insensitive' and 'selfish' since they have changed to a female and is NO LONGER treating the OP as a wife, which is what she DESERVES to be treated as, because that's what she signed up for. She didn't sign up for ANY of this. The OP said that since she's 50, she's 'not about to start over again' with anyone else...so now, it sounds like she's actually going to put up with this for the rest of her life.
Wow OP.....you're a better person than I am, because I'll tell you right here and now, IF I had a relationship with AND THEN got married to a man that I thought was a MAN and someone that I could trust for almost a DECADE, and they didn't smile or seemed happy during that whole entire time and THEN decided to finally tell me that they're transgendered - I don't care how many years I've invested emotionally in them - I would get an annulment immediately, without hesitation. He/she LIED to you! Your marriage, your relationship, all the time you spent with him/her...everythingwas a LIE. He/she ROBBED you of almost TEN YEARS of your life - you can't ever get those years back.
Yeah, as much as I'm not surprised, I think people are focusing on the wrong things here.
OP has already decided to proceed in this relationship, does not want to go try again with someone new. OP is not having problems right now necessarily with the gender change itself, and is willing to make a go of it with a now-female partner. Not everyone would, fine and dandy, but she is.
It's these behaviors and seeming selfishness that are causing issues. And honestly...I mean maybe the spouse locked herself down into being someone she wasn't for so long, that now she's going a little overboard into the land of "I'm a new me, and I'm gonna really live it up and go after everything I want!" and she's figuring out how to interact with the world as a woman.
Like how many times, ladies, do we see where men think things about women and how we are and what it must be like to be one of us, that are completely silly...right? So how much more so when this transwoman has lived probably a fantasy life of what it would be like, for so long?
Some of it, like the emotional support and camaraderie of all-female friend groups, is certainly doable, but she should try to do this while respecting partner's space. Other things need to be pointed out for the fallacies that they are, such as women having less obligation to put money into the relationship as a general rule. Each couple has to figure that out for themselves, we don't assume it because somebody is male or female. Well, maybe some folks do, but I think it's foolish.
Yeah, as much as I'm not surprised, I think people are focusing on the wrong things here.
OP has already decided to proceed in this relationship, does not want to go try again with someone new. OP is not having problems right now necessarily with the gender change itself, and is willing to make a go of it with a now-female partner. Not everyone would, fine and dandy, but she is.
Yep.
Quote:
It's these behaviors and seeming selfishness that are causing issues. And honestly...I mean maybe the spouse locked herself down into being someone she wasn't for so long, that now she's going a little overboard into the land of "I'm a new me, and I'm gonna really live it up and go after everything I want!" and she's figuring out how to interact with the world as a woman.
Agreed. I think some selfishness and lack of consideration of one's partner are potentially major issues, here, and, really, those things are just as problematic in heteronormative relationships.
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 674,019 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
This seems...potentially not helpful.
Well, I'm just posting my opinion on the OP's situation. I'm not a licensed therapist. I'm telling her what *I* see with regard to what her spouse did to her. Everyone else on this thread is giving her a high 5 for sticking by her spouse's side and not tending to her own needs as a wife and as a woman. I'm not going to do that.
I do think her situation is very sad though, and I feel bad for her. OP's initial post doesn't sound like she's all that ecstatic about what has happened....she has noted the things her spouse is doing that she does NOT like, has spoken about their selfishness and how much more insensitive they have become, how she has told them that she is NOT their source of entertainment.
OP may love her spouse, but they are NOT the same person (literally NOT the same person) anymore...the whole dynamic of their marriage and their life together has been negatively altered - forever.
It is her choice if she wants to remain in this marriage or not. But, when someone posts their situation on a public forum, they have to expect to receive ALL kinds of opinions and viewpoints - not just the ones they want to hear or what other members think should be posted.
Well, I'm just posting my opinion on the OP's situation. I'm not a licensed therapist. I'm telling her what *I* see with regard to what her spouse did to her. Everyone else on this thread is giving her a high 5 for sticking by her spouse's side and not tending to her own needs as a wife and as a woman. I'm not going to do that.
I agree that tending to her own needs is something she should be thinking about, as her marriage to a lesbian is not what she intended when she said 'I do' to her spouse. But of course if she's truly happy with the new situation, then good for her, and that's her business.
Personally, I'd be pissed if my husband did the same, and had not been honest with me before I married him. I might still love him as a person, but I wouldn't feel like I actually knew him/her, since so much about him/her had been hidden from me. I'd have to get to know him/her as his new self and hopefully remain friends, but I wouldn't consider him/her to be my husband in the traditional sense.
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Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 674,019 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by oldgardener
I agree that tending to her own needs is something she should be thinking about, as her marriage to a lesbian is not what she intended when she said 'I do' to her spouse. But of course if she's truly happy with the new situation, then good for her, and that's her business.
Exactly. This is the sentiment I expressed in my initial post.
Quote:
Personally, I'd be pissed if my husband did the same, and had not been honest with me before I married him. I might still love him as a person, but I wouldn't feel like I actually knew him/her, since so much about him/her had been hidden from me. I'd have to get to know him/her as his new self and hopefully remain friends, but I wouldn't consider him/her to be my husband in the traditional sense.
But I'm happy for OP as long as she is happy.
I would be solivid and would feel absolutely betrayed and especially feel like a FOOL for believing a liar for almost a decade! You're very kind in that you would actually attempt to get to know them as their 'new identity' and would remain friends with them! I certainly wouldn't do that. All the love, affection and trust I ever had for them would instantly EVAPORATE. They would have to navigate their 'new' self on their own - I would never allow them back in my life again. I wouldn't dare ever betray anyone in that way, so if that was ever done to me, I wouldn't say anything to them, I'd just vanish...
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That other person DESERVES TO KNOW something like this BEFORE they enter into a relationship with them! I mean seriously, that's just so crazy that he/she actually DID this to the OP! Cruel, selfish and cowardly are adjectives that come to my mind with regard to the OP's husband/wife/whatever. 
