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I stick to my opinion. The spouse has not smiled for the first 8 years of the relationship because of the hiding. She was waiting until they were married. Shady and unfair.
Complete and utter *******s. The spouse hadn't smiled for far longer than eight years and wasn't waiting to until they were married to drop a bombshell. Pure ignorance.
Yeah. People gotta do what they gotta do....BUT, they gotta do it BEFORE they drag another innocent soul down with them in their _____d up world. I don't feel ANYTHING for someone who could deceive another person like that. NO excuse for it.
I agree, my "gotta do what they gotta do" comment was more toward the person leaving the trans person because they lied.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
This still happens, too.
Yeah, it does, I was just thinking of the olden days because there was more of stigma in terms of coming out. I guess is what I was thinking. There's still a stigma I imagine, but it seems less these days. IDK.
Exactly. This is the sentiment I expressed in my initial post.
I would be solivid and would feel absolutely betrayed and especially feel like a FOOL for believing a liar for almost a decade! You're very kind in that you would actually attempt to get to know them as their 'new identity' and would remain friends with them! I certainly wouldn't do that. All the love, affection and trust I ever had for them would instantly EVAPORATE. They would have to navigate their 'new' self on their own - I would never allow them back in my life again. I wouldn't dare ever betray anyone in that way, so if that was ever done to me, I wouldn't say anything to them, I'd just vanish...
Wow, "liar" is a very strong word. People who grapple with such issues are often in denial. If you cannot admit something to yourself, how can you admit it to someone else?
Wow, "liar" is a very strong word. People who grapple with such issues are often in denial. If you cannot admit something to yourself, how can you admit it to someone else?
Yes they are in denial. But they know they have an internal struggle and therefore should remain single until sure. Do not drag anyone into this situation until you yourself are sure of your feelings. It’s unkind, unloving and not fair to the innocent party.
Really,,,so you meet a man, you fall in love and a few years later he asks you to marry him and you ask if he is "in the right body or not?" ok, so who does that? Nobody I know LOLOLOL
Everyone I know does that. Why wouldn’t we? I am not attracted to women or bi/gay men. I would NEED to know this before I marry.
I know this is not the same situation, but I just learned that a relative of mine was married to a gay man for 20 years. They have three grown sons together. It doesn't seem like she knew he was gay. Perhaps he was bisexual when they were married, and now identifies as gay. I saw a few photos of him for the first time recently and he does look gay. (I know gay men do not always look gay, but many do) I can only imagine how painful and hurt it must feel to have this realization after a couple of decades of being married, or even if she realized it years before.
My spouse came out as Transgender 8 years into our relationship (4 of those married). I knew nothing about what it meant to be transgender so I was totally in awe. Never once in those 8 years did I even have a clue that my spouse has felt this way their whole life. After it came out, I did not run away. I educated myself about what this meant. Of course, the first thing I asked my "husband" was : "If you feel like you should have been born a woman, does that mean sexually you are attracted to men?". My spouse said "No, I am attracted to girls". So I said "Let me get this straight, you are a lesbian trapped in a man's body". The reply "YES!!". Ha!
Anyway, the day my spouse told me this I could see the pain, fear and sadness in my spouse's eyes. My spouse hardly ever smiled those first 8 years and I always wondered why there was this under-lying sadness. I still remember that day even now. Spouse came out to me 7 years ago. Since that day, I have learned allot, met other transgender individuals and encouraged my spouse to use retirement money to get some surgeries done in order for "her" to feel comfortable in her own body...(because she kept complaining that she needed to look feminine and I couldn't blame her)
I feel that if you love someone, you let them be who they truly are unless they are a murderer or something like that.
We did not tell anyone about this for about a year after she came out. But after a year of hiding it from everyone we knew and her kids and mine, I just couldn't take it anymore. So, we told them all. They were all very happy for her. She even walked one of my daughter's down the aisle because her own father is a jerk. After surgery and recovery she went back to work as the woman she always felt she was and she was Very Very Scared to go back. However, her company knew what was happening so while she was out of work they educated all the other employee's about this--even hired a special company lawyer that handles this type of situation. Although she was scared to go back, I told her that her company was being way more gracious then I thought they would AND she had to remember that someone has to be the one to put their foot forward for others. In a company as large as the one she works for, they has to be one or two more people that feel the same and are too afraid to come forward. It worked out great for her there and she is a much more happier person.
That does not mean that this process has been easy. I accept my spouse for who they are and encouraged her to be who she needs to be but I did give up some of my happiness in the process. I went through a grieving process myself. My spouse tends to be very selfish sometimes and that only got worse after she went through this change physically. At times I get very resentful---especially when she treats me like I am her girlfriend and not her wife. For example, before she came out, if we went out to eat my husband would pay the bill (makes almost 3 times an hour to what I make) Now that "she" is out, we go out and she says "So, are you buying, we splitting or am I?". Every Single Time.
She wants to be treated like a woman but still acts like an insensitive man allot of the time and that is very aggravating. I guess since she felt she had to "pretend" to act like a man most of her life, it is just the way it is. She also gets resentful that I want to hang out with a girlfriend once in a while without her. She tries to include herself on everything I do outside of the home (besides work) and I have to tell her that she needs to go do things with her friends but she says she only has guy friends and she does not want to hang around with them. She has transgender friends but does not want to hang out with them either. I told her I am not her entertainment.
Sorry this was so long!! Has anyone on here gone through this?
your spouse didn't come out as transgendered. He came out as being very mixed up. Love him enough to help him. His feelings are not reality. Just as an anorexic sees herself or himself as fat, they are not fat. Accept who they are, flaws such as not seeing or understanding reality in this sense, just as they accept your flaws. Support them to remain in reality. Support them not to define themselves by a feeling (such as whatever gender they feel they are attracted to) but what they are.
His or her mental illness needs to be addressed .....just as any mental illness does. Not celebrated or honored. That is a recipe for disaster. I wish you BOTH the best of luck.
At times I get very resentful---especially when she treats me like I am her girlfriend and not her wife. For example, before she came out, if we went out to eat my husband would pay the bill (makes almost 3 times an hour to what I make) Now that "she" is out, we go out and she says "So, are you buying, we splitting or am I?". Every Single Time.
I think for the sake of the relationship, if over the rest of your lives together you stay together, you have no choice but to evolve with your spouse's 'new identity'. Undoubtedly, this shows that your personality needs to change a bit too. This makes it seem like your husband wants to experience 'dating' in the role of a woman, which would necessitate you taking on the role of a 'man' momentarily, and paying once in a while, while your husband orders whatever he wants from the menu, just like a woman might be told to do when out on a date.
I always looked at my husband as my best friend, so I'm not sure being 'her girlfriend' would be an impossible transition, but I am sure our roles would change. I loved my husband dearly, and I know I would not pack up and leave immediately, but I'm not sure I would be mentally strong enough to create an 'illusion persona' to call upon when my husband wanted to experience life from a female perspective.
I can say I felt like I gave up a lot of myself to become his wife in a traditional sense, as I'm sure he did when he decided he wanted to be my husband, because that's what relationships are - making adjustments to present the world with a 'we' factor, instead of the singular 'I' and 'Me'.
If I was able to do that, I think I would make sure my husband experienced a complete female role, and also shared the full female life. The chores. "So love, how about I go get the car washed while you clean the bathroom this Saturday." "Hey babe, I'm hungry. Why don't you make me a sandwich, while I finish watching this movie." "Will you be handling the laundry this week, sweetie?" "Is it your night to make dinner and do the dishes or is it mine?" "I have a board meeting tomorrow dear, could you iron my skirt for me? I want to look sharp for it."
I'm not sure I would be strong enough to do all this, and not lose sight of who I am. God bless you in your strength and perseverance. Regardless if he is a she or not, you obviously do love him. All the best to you both in your new life together.
Wow, "liar" is a very strong word. People who grapple with such issues are often in denial. If you cannot admit something to yourself, how can you admit it to someone else?
She said this person knew it their whole life but just didn't act on it.
So yes, denial, I guess. But why put another person through this if you do not even know for sure if you are male/female?
I think it is great that OP stayed with the spouse. I couldnt.
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You're very kind in that you would actually attempt to get to know them as their 'new identity' and would remain friends with them! I certainly wouldn't do that. All the love, affection and trust I ever had for them would instantly EVAPORATE. They would have to navigate their 'new' self on their own - I would never allow them back in my life again. I wouldn't dare ever betray anyone in that way, so if that was ever done to me, I wouldn't say anything to them, I'd just vanish...
My spouse hardly ever smiled those first 8 years and I always wondered why there was this under-lying sadness. I still remember that day even now. Spouse came out to me 7 years ago. Since that day, I have learned allot, met other transgender individuals and encouraged my spouse to use retirement money to get some surgeries done in order for "her" to feel comfortable in her own body...(because she kept complaining that she needed to look feminine and I couldn't blame her)
Has anyone on here gone through this?
