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she treats me like I am her girlfriend and not her wife. For example, before she came out, if we went out to eat my husband would pay the bill (makes almost 3 times an hour to what I make) Now that "she" is out, we go out and she says "So, are you buying, we splitting or am I?". Every Single Time.
...
She also gets resentful that I want to hang out with a girlfriend once in a while without her. She tries to include herself on everything I do outside of the home
She is no longer your husband.
For me, I would have to leave. I want a husband, not someone I have to take care of, like a wife, and I damn sure am not going to suddenly accept her as one of my girlfriends to have around me when I want to go have fun with my women friends.
I applaud you for being accepting of what she wanted, but she doesn't seem to care about you as a person anymore. It's all about her.
My spouse came out as Transgender 8 years into our relationship (4 of those married). I knew nothing about what it meant to be transgender so I was totally in awe. Never once in those 8 years did I even have a clue that my spouse has felt this way their whole life. After it came out, I did not run away. I educated myself about what this meant. Of course, the first thing I asked my "husband" was : "If you feel like you should have been born a woman, does that mean sexually you are attracted to men?". My spouse said "No, I am attracted to girls". So I said "Let me get this straight, you are a lesbian trapped in a man's body". The reply "YES!!". Ha!
Anyway, the day my spouse told me this I could see the pain, fear and sadness in my spouse's eyes. My spouse hardly ever smiled those first 8 years and I always wondered why there was this under-lying sadness. I still remember that day even now. Spouse came out to me 7 years ago. Since that day, I have learned allot, met other transgender individuals and encouraged my spouse to use retirement money to get some surgeries done in order for "her" to feel comfortable in her own body...(because she kept complaining that she needed to look feminine and I couldn't blame her)
I feel that if you love someone, you let them be who they truly are unless they are a murderer or something like that.
We did not tell anyone about this for about a year after she came out. But after a year of hiding it from everyone we knew and her kids and mine, I just couldn't take it anymore. So, we told them all. They were all very happy for her. She even walked one of my daughter's down the aisle because her own father is a jerk. After surgery and recovery she went back to work as the woman she always felt she was and she was Very Very Scared to go back. However, her company knew what was happening so while she was out of work they educated all the other employee's about this--even hired a special company lawyer that handles this type of situation. Although she was scared to go back, I told her that her company was being way more gracious then I thought they would AND she had to remember that someone has to be the one to put their foot forward for others. In a company as large as the one she works for, they has to be one or two more people that feel the same and are too afraid to come forward. It worked out great for her there and she is a much more happier person.
That does not mean that this process has been easy. I accept my spouse for who they are and encouraged her to be who she needs to be but I did give up some of my happiness in the process. I went through a grieving process myself. My spouse tends to be very selfish sometimes and that only got worse after she went through this change physically. At times I get very resentful---especially when she treats me like I am her girlfriend and not her wife. For example, before she came out, if we went out to eat my husband would pay the bill (makes almost 3 times an hour to what I make) Now that "she" is out, we go out and she says "So, are you buying, we splitting or am I?". Every Single Time.
She wants to be treated like a woman but still acts like an insensitive man allot of the time and that is very aggravating. I guess since she felt she had to "pretend" to act like a man most of her life, it is just the way it is. She also gets resentful that I want to hang out with a girlfriend once in a while without her. She tries to include herself on everything I do outside of the home (besides work) and I have to tell her that she needs to go do things with her friends but she says she only has guy friends and she does not want to hang around with them. She has transgender friends but does not want to hang out with them either. I told her I am not her entertainment.
Sorry this was so long!! Has anyone on here gone through this?
I hate to say it but I think I'd be pretty disturbed at the imitations, too. Like, I've gone on dates with men who had personalities that were uncannily similar to mine, very "finishing sentences" and discovering we've had the same thoughts and perspectives on nearly everything...and I didn't like it. I mean, I like myself fine, but I feel like when someone is SO like me, they are too predictable and boring.
I think the point needs somehow to be made to your spouse that you are not narcissistic enough to want to be in a relationship with your own mirror image. I don't know what it will take for her to stop trying to be you, and just be herself...but whatever it is, that needs to happen.
Again, thank you for all of your replies and thoughts. I am not agree with some of you but it's ok.
I am surprised that nobody has chimed in that is going through this. Perhaps someone is but not sure about posting here.
Anywho, I'll just plug along and make the most of this life.
Again, thank you for all of your replies and thoughts. I am not agree with some of you but it's ok.
I am surprised that nobody has chimed in that is going through this. Perhaps someone is but not sure about posting here.
Anywho, I'll just plug along and make the most of this life.
"Be yourself, everyone is taken"
Maybe this answers your question - was it hard to accept ... because many didn't ...
Also, it is such a rare topic, you may be getting more responses in a transgender specific forum.
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My spouse hardly ever smiled those first 8 years and I always wondered why there was this under-lying sadness. I still remember that day even now. Spouse came out to me 7 years ago. Since that day, I have learned allot, met other transgender individuals and encouraged my spouse to use retirement money to get some surgeries done in order for "her" to feel comfortable in her own body...(because she kept complaining that she needed to look feminine and I couldn't blame her)
Has anyone on here gone through this?
