Transgender Spouse--was it hard to accept or not? (wife, girlfriend, lesbian)
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My spouse came out as Transgender 8 years into our relationship (4 of those married). I knew nothing about what it meant to be transgender so I was totally in awe. Never once in those 8 years did I even have a clue that my spouse has felt this way their whole life. After it came out, I did not run away. I educated myself about what this meant. Of course, the first thing I asked my "husband" was : "If you feel like you should have been born a woman, does that mean sexually you are attracted to men?". My spouse said "No, I am attracted to girls". So I said "Let me get this straight, you are a lesbian trapped in a man's body". The reply "YES!!". Ha!
Anyway, the day my spouse told me this I could see the pain, fear and sadness in my spouse's eyes. My spouse hardly ever smiled those first 8 years and I always wondered why there was this under-lying sadness. I still remember that day even now. Spouse came out to me 7 years ago. Since that day, I have learned allot, met other transgender individuals and encouraged my spouse to use retirement money to get some surgeries done in order for "her" to feel comfortable in her own body...(because she kept complaining that she needed to look feminine and I couldn't blame her)
I feel that if you love someone, you let them be who they truly are unless they are a murderer or something like that.
We did not tell anyone about this for about a year after she came out. But after a year of hiding it from everyone we knew and her kids and mine, I just couldn't take it anymore. So, we told them all. They were all very happy for her. She even walked one of my daughter's down the aisle because her own father is a jerk. After surgery and recovery she went back to work as the woman she always felt she was and she was Very Very Scared to go back. However, her company knew what was happening so while she was out of work they educated all the other employee's about this--even hired a special company lawyer that handles this type of situation. Although she was scared to go back, I told her that her company was being way more gracious then I thought they would AND she had to remember that someone has to be the one to put their foot forward for others. In a company as large as the one she works for, they has to be one or two more people that feel the same and are too afraid to come forward. It worked out great for her there and she is a much more happier person.
That does not mean that this process has been easy. I accept my spouse for who they are and encouraged her to be who she needs to be but I did give up some of my happiness in the process. I went through a grieving process myself. My spouse tends to be very selfish sometimes and that only got worse after she went through this change physically. At times I get very resentful---especially when she treats me like I am her girlfriend and not her wife. For example, before she came out, if we went out to eat my husband would pay the bill (makes almost 3 times an hour to what I make) Now that "she" is out, we go out and she says "So, are you buying, we splitting or am I?". Every Single Time.
She wants to be treated like a woman but still acts like an insensitive man allot of the time and that is very aggravating. I guess since she felt she had to "pretend" to act like a man most of her life, it is just the way it is. She also gets resentful that I want to hang out with a girlfriend once in a while without her. She tries to include herself on everything I do outside of the home (besides work) and I have to tell her that she needs to go do things with her friends but she says she only has guy friends and she does not want to hang around with them. She has transgender friends but does not want to hang out with them either. I told her I am not her entertainment.
Sorry this was so long!! Has anyone on here gone through this?
I applaud your great effort to be supportive and understanding of all this. The only thing that I can recommend, is communication. If the restaurant thing bothers you, have a conversation about it. Maybe say that you did not accept your Spouse always paying the bill because of gender roles when she was outwardly male, you did so more because of the differences in how much money you made. And while she is now a woman, the difference in your paychecks remains the same. You never viewed free dinners as a perk of being female, you figured it was a matter of who could better afford it. And that you need time with your own friends. Partners need not always be together attached at the hip 24/7.
I almost get an odd sense that these things...seem like a reflection of your spouse's desire to be accepted as a woman, into what she perceives as a world of womanhood and women's privileges. That isn't really how it works. Sometimes the lady pays the check, and when it comes to friendships, you have to build them. A woman isn't automatically issued some kind of girls' club membership card. You've put time and effort into building those bonds, and the introduction of your partner to the group will cause ripples, which might be uncomfortable or even destructive to the social dynamic there.
I would try to seek other ways to make your spouse feel validated as a woman, that don't make you feel so resentful, if you can. Try to address whatever the underlying motivation might be.
I applaud your great effort to be supportive and understanding of all this. The only thing that I can recommend, is communication. If the restaurant thing bothers you, have a conversation about it. Maybe say that you did not accept your Spouse always paying the bill because of gender roles when she was outwardly male, you did so more because of the differences in how much money you made. And while she is now a woman, the difference in your paychecks remains the same. You never viewed free dinners as a perk of being female, you figured it was a matter of who could better afford it. And that you need time with your own friends. Partners need not always be together attached at the hip 24/7.
I almost get an odd sense that these things...seem like a reflection of your spouse's desire to be accepted as a woman, into what she perceives as a world of womanhood and women's privileges. That isn't really how it works. Sometimes the lady pays the check, and when it comes to friendships, you have to build them. A woman isn't automatically issued some kind of girls' club membership card. You've put time and effort into building those bonds, and the introduction of your partner to the group will cause ripples, which might be uncomfortable or even destructive to the social dynamic there.
I would try to seek other ways to make your spouse feel validated as a woman, that don't make you feel so resentful, if you can. Try to address whatever the underlying motivation might be.
I hear you
We do allot of things together but when I say thing like "Oh, I'm going to go hang out with my sister" she will say, "Oh, not sure I can make it" and I really want to say "Well, I didn't invite you this time so..." but I don't want to hurt her feelings so I just say "Yep, ok".
We have been to counseling a few years ago because of the issues of her selfishness coupled with her lack of wanting to go do things with her own friends. It helped for a while but not very long and now back at square one. Every relationship has it's challenges but this is some odd stuff. LOLOL
Thank God for a sense of humor
Good for you. I would probably feel fooled and would ask for an annulment.
Did you never wonder why you didn't see any baby/childhood pics?
Be honest, was there nothing "off" on her/his body? NOTHING at all??
Well, after spending 8 years with this person and married for 4 AND almost 50 by then I was not about to start over with someone else. Don't even know if I can trust anyone after this if spouse passes before me.
Anyway, of course I saw baby and childhood pics of my spouse. What does that have to do with it? LOL
No, there is nothing "off" on my spouses body. Do you know what Transgender means?
Well, after spending 8 years with this person and married for 4 AND almost 50 by then I was not about to start over with someone else. Don't even know if I can trust anyone after this if spouse passes before me.
Anyway, of course I saw baby and childhood pics of my spouse. What does that have to do with it? LOL
No, there is nothing "off" on my spouses body. Do you know what Transgender means?
I think that oh-eve doesn't understand that you went through the transition process with your spouse.
OP initially got together with someone who was, as far as she knew, a man. This man later during the relationship, revealed that he needed to be a she, and was a transgendered person, and then began transitioning since they've been together. There is mention of their retirement money going into the surgeries/treatments.
The person that OP got together with was male as a child, and male (to outward appearances) when they got together, but now...transitioned to female.
I think that oh-eve doesn't understand that you went through the transition process with your spouse.
OP initially got together with someone who was, as far as she knew, a man. This man later during the relationship, revealed that he needed to be a she, and was a transgendered person, and then began transitioning since they've been together. There is mention of their retirement money going into the surgeries/treatments.
The person that OP got together with was male as a child, and male (to outward appearances) when they got together, but now...transitioned to female.
Correct?
oh ok, I got it now.
Still, same answer: Before I marry, I should know if my partner is in the "right" body or not especially if he/she feels like the opposite gender all their life and has the wish to have surgeries.
Still, same answer: Before I marry, I should know if my partner is in the "right" body or not especially if he/she feels like the opposite gender all their life and has the wish to have surgeries.
But you might not. A lot of trans people are frightened of how they really feel, and don't admit it to themselves, let alone broadcast it to others.
I think that oh-eve doesn't understand that you went through the transition process with your spouse.
OP initially got together with someone who was, as far as she knew, a man. This man later during the relationship, revealed that he needed to be a she, and was a transgendered person, and then began transitioning since they've been together. There is mention of their retirement money going into the surgeries/treatments.
The person that OP got together with was male as a child, and male (to outward appearances) when they got together, but now...transitioned to female.
Correct?
Yes, spot on
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My spouse hardly ever smiled those first 8 years and I always wondered why there was this under-lying sadness. I still remember that day even now. Spouse came out to me 7 years ago. Since that day, I have learned allot, met other transgender individuals and encouraged my spouse to use retirement money to get some surgeries done in order for "her" to feel comfortable in her own body...(because she kept complaining that she needed to look feminine and I couldn't blame her)
Has anyone on here gone through this?
