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I would cut my losses and run. Unless you want to be a caregiver to her the rest of your lives if you get serious. She doesn't sound like the kind of person who is going to pull herself up and make her life the best she can. I think she is hoping YOU will make her life better. Do you want that responsibility?
At first, I was thinking "Wow I wonder why a very young woman in this state would even BE on Tinder in the first place without first attempting to make herself better in every way possible."
THEN, I read the part about how she was with a previous guy for the last 6 years. I guarantee you that he fulfilled the caretaker role until he couldn't handle it anymore and she is looking for a replacement. She probably had him wrapped around her finger and that's why she cries for help at every little thing. He probably did everything for her, enabling the co-dependence. She is completely dependent on others when it appears she does not have to be, if only she would put forth some effort.
To me, that is not a quality I would want in a potential partner, so before you take on the caretaker role, I would cut your losses. Plenty of other healthy women in the world, or at least women who would put forth ANY effort if they were not healthy.
I would cut my losses and run. Unless you want to be a caregiver to her the rest of your lives if you get serious. She doesn't sound like the kind of person who is going to pull herself up and make her life the best she can. I think she is hoping YOU will make her life better. Do you want that responsibility?
I agree. My spouse became disabled after decades of marriage, and he was a real fighter who pushed himself to the limit at all times and it still was extremely, extremely difficult for many years(especially when I needed to quit work to become his 24/7 caregiver). Are you really willing to do that?
And why in the world are you pushing her or even encouraging her to drive? Encouraging her to get physical therapy, yes, but to drive? You are not a medical professional, you are not an physical/occupational therapist, you are not a rehabilitation specialist and you do not know the full extent of her medical condition.
What if you encourage her to drive on the street and she had an accident killing or injuring herself or an innocent family in another car or kills you? I have worked with people with physical challenges and it is not just as simple as "I'm sure that she can move her foot enough to drive". Sheesh. To be safe as a driver you need a certain amount of strength and control in your entire leg not just your foot. And, you need to move your entire leg quickly in case of sudden need (such as child running into the street) and that needs hip strength and you can't hesitate or stop moving because of pain.
And, the bigger point is that is not something that a casual date or acquaintance even does with another competent adult. It is not your role or responsibility to push her into driving. If her parents, who know her medical condition more completely are not pushing her (or allowing her) to drive why do you think that you know more than they do about their daughter and her health issues and needs?
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-13-2018 at 08:41 AM..
, but she just doesn't seem very tough-minded. If something gets difficult, she just wilts and wants immediate help. She doesn't seem to have much of a "screw it, I'm giving it everything I have come hell or high water" attitude.
Health problems or not, this right here would be a deal breaker for me.
And it was. For a perfectly healthy person. I can't respect that. No respect, no relationship.
Unfortunately, Lupus is a lifelong disease with no cure. It will require strong medications and frequent intervention to manage a wide range of symptoms. Her life will continue to be a series of ups and downs.
She’s only 22 and in bad shape. I’m sorry for both of you. Things will not improve in the long run.
How does OP even know if she actually has lupus or any real medical condition? She's a random girl from the internet. Has he actually seen her medical records? If not, it's very possible that she's just a nutjob.
No one is expecting her to be Wonder Woman or anything. When it comes to driving, she said she's not even made an attempt at it since her hips got worse. From what I can tell, and granted, I probably don't have a complete picture, it just sounds like she stopped driving and hasn't made further attempts. I asked her last night about physical therapy, and it was kind of like a lightbulb went off in her head. She said she hasn't even asked about it.
If I was in that condition, I'd be doing everything I could to stay as independent as possible. Even if all I could do was a little bit, I'd be doing that little bit. It just seems like she's incredibly passive.
If she was able to walk, I wouldn't be this concerned. The "not walking" part is the dealbreaker. She's saying it's temporary, but it appears her health has consistently deteriorated since she was diagnosed. There's not a lot of reason for me to think that a year or two from now that the situation will be any better.
I don't know if I mentioned this last night, but I did send a PM to another forum member familiar with my local area's medical community about this. A former coworker of mine was diagnosed with lupus about ten years ago. He lives in the middle of nowhere in southwest Virginia, but his doctors are here. He never found anyone in the local area who was able to control his lupus symptoms. He did find someone two hours away in Knoxville who was able to keep it under control, but by then, it nuked his kidneys, and now he's on dialysis and a transplant list.
She had an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon Wednesday. Her mom canceled the appointment because it was "too much trouble for all three of them (young woman, mom, grandma) to all get ready and be there by 9." Grandma and mom aren't disabled. The doctor is about fifteen minutes away. I don't understand why they couldn't get up between 6-7 like most working people have to do and be there by 9. Things like that just make me scratch my head at all this.
She had an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon Wednesday. Her mom canceled the appointment because it was "too much trouble for all three of them (young woman, mom, grandma) to all get ready and be there by 9." Grandma and mom aren't disabled. The doctor is about fifteen minutes away. I don't understand why they couldn't get up between 6-7 like most working people have to do and be there by 9. Things like that just make me scratch my head at all this.
This ^^^ is the "dependency mindset" I was referring to earlier.
I can almost guarantee you that if you did agree to the "shopping date" in Charlotte," her mom and probably her grandma would end up in the back seat going along.
She may be very sweet, but there are way too many red flags here. And germaine's admonishments about her driving are exactly right.
I think you should tell her it's not going to work out, that you enjoyed getting to know her a little bit but that you see too many hurdles and lifestyle differences. Then wish her the best.
This ^^^ is the "dependency mindset" I was referring to earlier.
I can almost guarantee you that if you did agree to the "shopping date" in Charlotte," her mom and probably her grandma would end up in the back seat going along.
She may be very sweet, but there are way too many red flags here. And germaine's admonishments about her driving are exactly right.
I think you should tell her it's not going to work out, that you enjoyed getting to know her a little bit but that you see too many hurdles and lifestyle differences. Then wish her the best.
She hasn't texted me this morning, but she's rarely up before noon anyway. If she messages me back before I leave work and wants to do something, I will. If not, then fine. I'm not going to chase.
FWIW, she said her mom canceled it. I know she's dependent on her mom for transportation right now, but she could have said "I'm fine getting up at 6 or 7. Don't cancel the appointment." I guess when you're dependent on others, it's easy to just give in to whatever they want.
I really like her. She's been sweeter than anyone I've dated in a long time. I've only been out with her a few times. It's way too quick to being looking at a lifelong assessment. I haven't dated anyone in this area worth a crap. However, she could very well be on her best behavior because she's lonely, depressed, whatever.
I don't mind to help. With that said, I don't want to be a lifelong caregiver to someone nearly a decade my junior. Her health is a problem, but she just doesn't seem very tough-minded. If something gets difficult, she just wilts and wants immediate help. She doesn't seem to have much of a "screw it, I'm giving it everything I have come hell or high water" attitude.
She's retaining some water from the steroids, but is naturally very small. I'm a much larger guy. She's living with her parents and grandma. I have to pull up to the front door in the grass to come get her. I couldn't get up that far due to mud last week and she couldn't power through the twenty feet or so to the door on the crutches. Her mom and grandma couldn't get her, so I carried her into the house. They have a garage, but it is hoarded and even I could not fit myself through it.
She hasn't driven since her hips gave out last summer. If she could get into the car, I don't see why she couldn't swivel her foot enough to drive. She hasn't done any physical therapy to keep her muscles up to par. Even if she has the hips replaced, she's going to be weak as a kitten due to muscle disuse.
I'm not going to fault her, but I don't think I'd be making similar decisions. If she wants, I may take her to a local school parking lot after hours to try and get her to drive. I don't think shifting her right foot between the brake and gas and driving an automatic would be too much trouble if I help her in and out of the car.
FWIW, she said her mom canceled it. I know she's dependent on her mom for transportation right now, but she could have said "I'm fine getting up at 6 or 7. Don't cancel the appointment." I guess when you're dependent on others, it's easy to just give in to whatever they want.
That's my point, though. This is a generational problem, a family problem. Those are her role models. It is going to be VERY difficult for her to suddenly become the bootstraps kind of person you want her to be when she has been and still is immersed in this lifestyle, and when she in fact IS physically dependent on them ... and any random guy with a job and a car who comes along.
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