Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I see a lot of myself in the OP's guy friend. I even have a female friend with whom I turned down a relationship. Although the big difference is that he chose to have sex with the OP. While I view the idea of sex as pleasant as getting an colonoscopy.
So here's what I have to say. I think he fears the "relationship" label not because he fears exclusivity and/or commitment, but because of what he believes will be expected from him. Such as giving up his current hobbies, throwing away a collection he spent years building, having to constantly watch his back about being nagged, having his diet micromanaged, or whatever other ideas he picked up from people around him and the media. All of which, in his mind, is 100% true. That's why he doesn't want a relationship, despite enjoying your company, and quite possibly having no problem with being exclusive.
OP, I hope you read this. It could give up a lot of insight no one else has mentioned yet.
I see a lot of myself in the OP's guy friend. Although the big difference is that he chose to have sex with the OP. While I view the idea of sex as pleasant as getting an colonoscopy.
So here's what I have to say. I think he fears the "relationship" label not because he fears exclusivity and/or commitment, but because of what he believes will be expected from him. Such as giving up his current hobbies, throwing away a collection he spent years building, having to constantly watch his back about being nagged, having his diet micromanaged, or whatever other ideas he picked up from people around him and the media. All of which, in his mind, is 100% true. That's why he doesn't want a relationship, despite enjoying your company, and quite possibly having no problem with being exclusive.
OP, I hope you read this. It could give up a lot of insight no one else has mentioned yet.
I believe I mentioned it. I believe I mentioned you, though not by name.
That was the thing I'm on about here, there are a number of possibilities and she'll never know what is in his mind if they don't talk about it.
Though again, if she was hoping they'd play house in the near future and marry and make babies and all, that's not real likely.
I see a lot of myself in the OP's guy friend. I even have a female friend with whom I turned down a relationship. Although the big difference is that he chose to have sex with the OP. While I view the idea of sex as pleasant as getting an colonoscopy.
So here's what I have to say. I think he fears the "relationship" label not because he fears exclusivity and/or commitment, but because of what he believes will be expected from him. Such as giving up his current hobbies, throwing away a collection he spent years building, having to constantly watch his back about being nagged, having his diet micromanaged, or whatever other ideas he picked up from people around him and the media. All of which, in his mind, is 100% true. That's why he doesn't want a relationship, despite enjoying your company, and quite possibly having no problem with being exclusive.
OP, I hope you read this. It could give up a lot of insight no one else has mentioned yet.
lol This is kind of funny, but ok, maybe. That would definitely describe "suffocating". There have been a few opinions posted, that the OP should talk to him, to find out more about his concerns, but the OP is gone now. "Not a member".
Mill Urb, it's sad that you view relationships as life-threatening quicksand. And the comment about how you view sex is... well, I'll leave it for other members to cover that one.
I've seen letters like this in advice columns. The guy (it's almost always the guy who doesn't want the relationship) always says, "I told her I didn't want a relationship". Hopefully the OP will see this.
I've seen letters like this in advice columns. The guy (it's almost always the guy who doesn't want the relationship) always says, "I told her I didn't want a relationship". Hopefully the OP will see this.
I dunno, maybe it's the circles we are in, but I've known TONS of women who come out the gate saying they do not want a relationship. Some of us end up adjusting that over time, some never do.
I believe Timberline has encountered many such women, also.
But what does that mean exactly?
"I'm right out of a bad relationship and I'm not ready to commit to something yet, but still want to have fun and company sometimes."
"I'm very focused on my career or school or whatever, and don't want the obligation of maintaining a serious relationship thing."
"I'm a poly woman who puts most of my energy into my primary relationship, but I'm into playing on the side with my partner's knowledge and consent."
"I don't know if I'm that into you yet, and you seem to be catching feels way faster than me. Please don't pick out wedding invitations or baby names just yet, my dude."
The difference between this man and probably most men, is, as Ruth4Truth said, his words say one thing but his actions say another.
But yeah, since the OP has disappeared we may never know if she decided to gather more information, or just cut him loose and move on.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,981,862 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I believe Timberline has encountered many such women, also.
.
A bunch that don't. Many many that don't want (and won't do) monogamous relationships.
Definitely plenty that don't like the idea of defining them (including some that are monogamist in general nature), or they're poly or even relationship anarchist in nature (like the person I'm seeing now, mostly).
I've seen letters like this in advice columns. The guy (it's almost always the guy who doesn't want the relationship) always says, "I told her I didn't want a relationship". Hopefully the OP will see this.
This is what I'd be afraid of, for the OP. One day when he does find that woman he's really into, all of a sudden it will be "but I TOLD you we weren't actually in a relationship. OMG, I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sad...I thought I made it all so clear and I hate to see you cry...well, goodbye" and here's the OP, crying.
It's just a sense I have about the situation...I may be wrong, but I've seen this happen pretty routinely. Keeping things "casual" and making sure to point them out as such (it was the OP's interest who started this conversation), the other person jumps through hoops trying to uncover the psychological "blocks" and "walls" and tries to change him/herself to be "more relaxed" about the situation and blah, blah, blah and then ultimately, is dumped and crying. Because at the root of it was: the love interest was, consciously or subconsciously, keeping his/her options open. (And magically, when that person does find someone he really is into, those walls and blocks and hesitation and blah, blah seem to magically drop away. And now he's in a rush to "label" things...come on, we've all seen this happen...)
I don't know...whatever the guy's reasons, it wouldn't be enough for me to have been given the "we're not in a relationship talk" and then keep going forward in my own mind about it. Which is what the OP would be doing. Because she ISN'T happy with this situation or that conversation, so that's really the bottom line. If I were the OP I'd be looking for a great guy who wasn't a mystery as to "why" he didn't want to "label" the relationship or what his deep inner machinations were. Let him work those out on his own, I'd be off to new pastures.
The real thing at work here is that the OP isn't comfortable, isn't confident, so even if this guy is the nicest guy in the world, even if it "might" work out in some universe or other, given the perfect circumstances and the OP behaving in just the right ways, I can't see that much effort just to hear "yeah, you're my girlfriend" as being a good sign, or healthy on the heart and psyche of the OP. SHE'S not comfortable and she's 50% of the equation, so...I'd keep my eyes peeled for a guy who did want to give his heart, and wasn't scared to say it.
I dunno, maybe it's the circles we are in, but I've known TONS of women who come out the gate saying they do not want a relationship. Some of us end up adjusting that over time, some never do.
Sure. Absolutely. And one wouldn't expect such a woman to suddenly change her mind, and want the relationship after all. Yet there are suggestions here that it actually is a relationship, he's not seeing other people, what's she so scared of, just go with it, maybe he's just scared of the label...and so on...as if she can decide he's not true to his word, he doesn't know what he wants, and she should expect things to turn out the way she wants after all: a relationship.
I just don't agree with all that, personally. He's TELLING her this. Trust him. And she's not happy with it...So... Can't see this working out well.
............But who knows? Maybe if she says "no more sex, friends only", in fairly short order, he'd decide what they have going is so great, he can overcome his hesitations. ...........
Or else he'd start lying to her in order to get sex.
So far he has been honest with her. She's not The One. She needs to hear what he is saying and believe him.
Women get themselves hurt hoping men will change, hoping men aren't saying what they mean, hoping men will learn to be what they are not willing to be. Or worse, fantasizing that a man is something he is not and talking themselves into believing the fantasy. Using sex for extortion is not going to turn an indifferent relationship into the love of the century.
If a man feels that a woman is The One, he is open about it. He doesn't tell her he doesn't want a relationship.
Or else he'd start lying to her in order to get sex.
So far he has been honest with her. She's not The One. She needs to hear what he is saying and believe him.
Women get themselves hurt hoping men will change, hoping men aren't saying what they mean, hoping men will learn to be what they are not willing to be. Or worse, fantasizing that a man is something he is not and talking themselves into believing the fantasy. Using sex for extortion is not going to turn an indifferent relationship into the love of the century.
If a man feels that a woman is The One, he is open about it. He doesn't tell her he doesn't want a relationship.
Cosigned.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Can't see this working out well.
