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I need advice. My problem is pretty much a problem of the 21st century you could say. So I(30) met this guy(29) about five months ago. He was super into me from the moment we met, while I wasn't that interested. I kept him around though because I thought he was nice, and eventually my feelings changed. We spent so much time together and were talking nonstop even when we weren't together. About three months ago we had sex for the first time. Ever since, we've been seeing each other a couple of times a week, one time I even stayed five days in a row at his apartment. I kinda thought that we were dating. I met all of his friends, he met mine, he even wanted to take me to his family for lunch one time (but I didn't have time). We've done all the things a couple does, including dinner dates, cooking, watching movies at home, going for hikes and talking hours and hours. I feel like we know each other really well. He told me about ex-relationships, his childhood and many other things, so did I. He has made me feel like he's really into me, like he has said things like I'm one of the most beautiful girls he has ever seen in real life, that he isn't seeing anyone else but me (and does not want to) and that he rather spends lazy Sundays with me at the lake than going to bars. Also he has helped me with stuff like running errands and buying stuff for my apartment (he has a car, I don't).
Until this past weekend I was convinced we're heading towards a relationship. Then he suddenly asked what I'm expecting from this, from him. I was surprised and said I like him and that I want to see where this goes. He then said that he's surprised and that he wasn't sure if I really want more than what we already have, and that he doesn't want to hurt me but that what we have right now is all he can give me and that he does not want a relationship. I asked him why, and he said that he just doesn't want to feel as he felt in his one (and only) relationship, that that stuff makes him feel suffocated and that he doesn't think he can do it again. He said that he would love to keep everything as it is right now, seeing each other all the time, spending time together, talking, hooking up. I said that in that case, we're not gonna be hooking up anymore. That we can still be friends (and I mean it, because I like him and liked him as a friend before falling for him) but shouldn't talk that much anymore etc. He seemed disappointed, but said that he understands. When I said bye he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. I let it happen for a second, then pulled away and said do you remember what I just said and he apologized. That was yesterday. I'm so confused. I'm obviously not just some girl he hooks up with, but at the same time, he wants to do everything that you do in a relationship but without putting the label on it. Obviously I won't accept that.
I didn't message him after I left, but he messaged me, to say good night as usual. He also messaged me this morning and we talked a bit about normal stuff, but I haven't been as responsive as I was before. He asked if I want to meet for a beer tonight but I said I don't have time. Later he said he wants to take me out for dinner on Friday and asked what I want to eat. I didn't give him a real answer and just changed topic. Later he asked again. I kinda managed to get around the question again because I don't really know what to do. We've been talking since, him sending me long messages all the time. Ugh I don't get him at all.
One the one side, I rather have him as a friend in my life than not at all and I guess two friends can go for dinner together (and trust me, I'm strong enough to not hook up with him). On the other side, I still have the tiny bit of hope that once he realizes that I'm pulling away, he will be ready to make a commitment to me (and also, not seeing him would maybe help to protect myself).
What do you guys think I should say and do? Should I be direct again and tell him I don't wanna meet him after what he told me yesterday? Or should I meet him because actually I do want to even though I'm not sure how it will make me feel to meet him without touching him etc? What would you do?
I am planning to start seeing other guys, IF I meet anyone interesting enough.
Yes. Tell him you were under the impression that you two were moving forward, and since that's not the case, you would like to be just friends so you can freely pursue another relationship.
That means NO sex...friends means friends. Don't let it slip back into that or you absolutely will get hurt. Don't make a big deal of this but yup, all that is done, he is fine to have around as a friend but now you are off to find what you want.
You know you don't really want the dinner. That is an excuse. What you want is a relationship, not a dinner. Distance yourself for now and if he wants to do friends stuff, great, to walk a flea market together or get together with a big group. Dinner is too date-ish especially if it is giving you angst just to think about it. Make up some excuse, don't be all "I would feel weird with us together but not touching." He wants it light. So keep it light. And make him a non-priority.
Just continue doing what you both are doing. It IS a relationship without calling it relationship. He might be scared to call it by the name, because of whatever he experienced in the past. You have a good thing going, you don't need a name for it. Some guys are just scared of big words like dating, relationship, BF/GF, and such. It feels like pressure to some.
You are having a great time together.
Don't mess up with that, don't ask for confirmation, don't ask him where all this is going.
If he sees you exclusively, then you ARE his GF. What else do you need, to put it in writing? It IS a commitment. He is just afraid to put a label on it.
Many people would be thrilled with that what you have ...
Give it a time, and he will get more secure and comfortable with this relationship. Whatever he experienced before still hurts, still needs healing. He needs to gain confidence. Believe that this thing now is real, and could last.
Don't pressure him, and don't try to label it, yet.
If you start to play games, the trust will be broken and he will be gone...
Just continue doing what you both are doing. It IS a relationship without calling it relationship. He might be scared to call it by the name, because of whatever he experienced in the past. You have a good thing going, you don't need a name for it. Some guys are just scared of big words like dating, relationship, BF/GF, and such. It feels like pressure to some.
You are having a great time together.
Don't mess up with that, don't ask for confirmation, don't ask him where all this is going.
If he sees you exclusively, then you ARE his GF. What else do you need, to put it in writing?
Many people would be thrilled with that what you have ...
Give it a time, and he will get more secure and comfortable with this relationship. Whatever he experienced before still hurts, still need healing. Don't pressure him, and don't try to label it, yet.
She did all that "just go with the flow" and he hurt her without care for her feelings. Stop babying people who disregard your feelings. He needs to see what life without you is like. Create space, more space, then some more space. He will either say let's talk again cuz this is too much space. That would be good so you both can express how you feel, why he felt suffocated, were you suffocating before? Then why punish you for someone else's errors. Orrrrrrr... he will be cool with all the space and that is more telling than anything. There are consequences to every action and decision. He needs to learn that now or else in the future when things get scary, he will just hurt you first to save his feelings. Enough!
Just continue doing what you both are doing. It IS a relationship without calling it relationship. He might be scared to call it by the name, because of whatever he experienced in the past. You have a good thing going, you don't need a name for it. Some guys are just scared of big words like dating, relationship, BF/GF, and such. It feels like pressure to some.
You are having a great time together.
Don't mess up with that, don't ask for confirmation, don't ask him where all this is going.
If he sees you exclusively, then you ARE his GF. What else do you need, to put it in writing? It IS a commitment. He is just afraid to put a label on it.
Many people would be thrilled with that what you have ...
Give it a time, and he will get more secure and comfortable with this relationship. Whatever he experienced before still hurts, still needs healing. He needs to gain confidence. Believe that this thing now is real, and could last.
Don't pressure him, and don't try to label it, yet.
If you start to play games, the trust will be broken and he will be gone...
That's what I was going to say. You're having sex, so it's a relationship. What he seems to be uncomfortable with, is the prospect of declaring it an exclusive relationship.
So, OP, you could ask him about that. He obviously WANTS a relationship, because he keeps calling you, inviting you to dinner, kissing you, etc. You could point out to him, that his words don't match his actions at all, and that he seems to be of two minds. So he wouldn't have to call it a committed relationship, but it definitely is (or was) a relationship, since it involved sex and kisses. Point out that he's sending mixed signals, and that his behavior is that of a man who very much wants a relationship. That is what "relationship behavior" looks like. lol (This may be a news flash to him.)
I think he needs to think about how contradictory his actions are to this strange fear he has. After talking to him, OP, give him some space to think. He needs to sort it all out with himself.
He is not seeing other girls, isn't he? So, it IS exclusive and definitely relationship. All included, just without the label.
Some people don't like labels. They can show love without telling "I love you" every 5 minutes.
And what difference it would make anyway?
Not everyone is vocal (or obvious) about their feelings - many of us often find it difficult to express those deeper emotions, or scared to reveal them too early.
Men are far deeper creatures than television sitcoms want you to believe, and sometimes, they think they're telling us things with their actions, rather than their words.
OP seems to be happy with this guy, he seems to be caring, attentive and happy with her. They spend time together, talk a lot, go out, eat, sleep, do fun stuff, have mutual friends... "all the things a couple does, including dinner dates, cooking, watching movies at home, going for hikes and talking hours and hours." That's much more than many people on this forum wish for.
What else OP needs? They know each other 5 months only. Maybe that's not long enough for an official commitment and announcement on Facebook.
She seems to be very needy and insecure. Wants labels. Pronto! Show the world that she is in a committed relationship and has a BF.
Perhaps just too eager to seal the deal...? Such behavior scares most guys pretty fast. Everything needs it's own pace....
Pushing, blackmailing, or playing games isn't going to speed up things. It's only going to break what they have.
He is not seeing other girls, isn't he? So, it IS exclusive and definitely relationship. All included, just without the label.
Some people don't like labels. They can show love without telling "I love you" every 5 minutes.
And what difference it would make anyway?
Not everyone is vocal (or obvious) about their feelings - many of us often find it difficult to express those deeper emotions, or scared to reveal them too early.
Men are far deeper creatures than television sitcoms want you to believe, and sometimes, they think they're telling us things with their actions, rather than their words.
OP seems to be happy with this guy, he seems to be caring, attentive and happy with her. They spend time together, talk a lot, go out, eat, sleep, do fun stuff, have mutual friends... "all the things a couple does, including dinner dates, cooking, watching movies at home, going for hikes and talking hours and hours." That's much more than many people on this forum wish for.
What else OP needs? They know each other 5 months only. Maybe that's not long enough for an official commitment and announcement on Facebook. She seems to be very needy and insecure. Wants labels. Pronto! Show the world that she is in a committed relationship and has a BF.
Perhaps just too eager to seal the deal...? Such behavior scares most guys pretty fast. Everything needs it's own pace....
Pushing, blackmailing, or playing games isn't going to speed up things. It's only going to break what they have.
Maybe. But maybe she was taken aback by his sudden declaration, so she stepped back, taking the whatever-ship back to a friendship, because his statement lead her to think she might be abandoned at any time. That's not an unreasonable conclusion, considering it came out of the blue.
Maybe they just need to discuss it some more. You could be absolutely right, and you make some good points, but it might be somewhat of a gamble for the OP emotionally. And she wasn't the one who brought the topic up; she'd been fine with the way things were going, until he suddenly felt the need to make an announcement that called her assumptions into question. She didn't ask for a label. He was the one who brought up the "relationship" label, and called it "suffocating". I think the OP was caught completely off guard, and was left a bit stunned and confused.
So she's turned to C-D, in all its wisdom, to help her sort it out.
Ok, to clear a few things up- I'm def not needy at all. I wasn't even the one whio initiated that conversation about what we are, ever. On top of that, he's the one who told me multiple times he loves how independent I am and that he can be chill around me, and he even said that it doesn't overwhelm him at all to see me as much as we see each other (which is maybe 3x a week).
I don't know, I don't feel comfortable to keep doing what we're doing now after him telling me this is as far as it gets and that he doesn't want a relationship. I would have been perfectly fine to not put a label on it yet, I would have understood if he said he's not ready, but him bringing it up himself and saying he doesn't want to hurt me but we won't be in a relationship sounds to me like he wants his cake and eat it too. Like he still wants to keep his options open and do whatever he wants, even if he doesn't feel like meeting other girls at the moment. What if in the next few months I'll fall madly in love with him and then in half a year he meets someone else and decides to pursue her and then he'll tell me 'I warned you about my intentions and we weren't in a relationship so technically I didn't do anything wrong'. I would end up really hurt.
The weird thing is, I've never felt like this about a guy I was seeing. I mean, usually if a guy told me that I would probably just cut every contact to him because I'd be scared to get really hurt. With him I am too, but I like him so much as a person that I still want to keep him in my life, I don't want to lose him, even if that means I can just be friends with him.
When someone tells you they don't want a relationship, you should listen. He wants all of the benefits of a relationship (companionship, sex) without any of the responsibilities (commitment, exclusivity).
This is where as women we tend to get ourselves into trouble - He said this, but he must REALLY mean something else. He has made his intentions clear. No need to psychoanalyze any further or try to determine why he does not want a relationship. He did not say "I don't want to put a label on it." He said "I don't want a relationship." There is a difference.
If you are looking for commitment and exclusivity this is not the guy for you, no matter how "nice" he is. Listen to your gut instinct to back off. His actions are not aligning with his words and that is a red flag. This does not sound like a good deal emotionally for you. Continuing to pretend you are in a "relationship" when he has told you he does not want one, is just inviting chaos and pain into your life. Do you really want to spend 3x a week with this guy, instead of going out and meeting someone who wants a committed relationship with you? Can you really be his "friend" or will you always be hoping for something more?
Last edited by Angie682; 06-19-2018 at 03:39 AM..
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