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Always the conniving woman! What have you heard to give you that idea? Of course, we don't have his side, but it's inappropriate to assume that with no evidence.
I never implied that the woman was conniving. It's her right to decide to have sex with and who to settle down with. Although, the fact that she wasn't interested in him at first but developed feelings later, makes me believe that she viewed him as more of a "settle down" type. In which case, it's also his right to adapt accordingly, and "trust, but verify". Especially if my conjecture about his fears is true.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
My opinion was, if all she needed was to be called "girlfriend" but had no aspirations on all the other milestones and bundled "relationship package" then maybe they could have negotiated a way forward. Like if being called that, or not, was the difference between her feeling like she mattered, versus just some hookup piece of tail he didn't care about...perhaps a conversation could have sorted that out.
While I'm strongly against prioritizing a label over a person, in this case, I give full credit where it's due. You're spot-on! Sometimes, all that's needed to make things right is an honest conversation. Not everyone is good at reading the shhh-loads of nonverbal subtleties that permeate relationships between men and women.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 06-21-2018 at 12:40 PM..
I never implied that the woman was conniving. It's her right to decide to have sex with and who to settle down with. Although, the fact that she wasn't interested in him at first but developed feelings later, makes me believe that she viewed him as more of a "settle down" type. In which case, it's also his right to adapt accordingly, and "trust, but verify". Especially if my conjecture about his fears is true.
Oh, yes you did. I'll quote your words: "That man is worried that the OP wants a relationship with him for the wrong reasons. That is, to gain access to the stability he's willing to provide". If that's not conniving, I don't know what is. She's gold-digging, IOW.
Oh, yes you did. I'll quote your words: "That man is worried that the OP wants a relationship with him for the wrong reasons. That is, to gain access to the stability he's willing to provide". If that's not conniving, I don't know what is. She's gold-digging, IOW.
JerZ's good response notwithstanding, I'd be wary of someone who blames the failure of his marriage (or any LTR) solely on the woman.
I don't find acknowledgement of areas they were incompatible as "blame" per se. She wasn't able to accept X, Y and Z about him.... I can handle X, Y and Z. He knows he's not perfect. I know he's not perfect. He knows I'm not perfect as well... but we have enough mutual acceptance of our various quirks that we seem to be able to make it work.
I don't find acknowledgement of areas they were incompatible as "blame" per se. She wasn't able to accept X, Y and Z about him.... I can handle X, Y and Z. He knows he's not perfect. I know he's not perfect. He knows I'm not perfect as well... but we have enough mutual acceptance of our various quirks that we seem to be able to make it work.
Actually, you said "He felt like he got the bait and switch in his last marriage, where she was nice and accepting of his quirks and hobbies... until they lived together."
I can understand how things can change when you live together. A "quirk" you have to put up with, say, not picking up their socks, is more difficult than one you just hear about. Some hobby where he leaves crap strewn all over the house, ditto.
Actually, you said "He felt like he got the bait and switch in his last marriage, where she was nice and accepting of his quirks and hobbies... until they lived together."
I can understand how things can change when you live together. A "quirk" you have to put up with, say, not picking up their socks, is more difficult than one you just hear about. Some hobby where he leaves crap strewn all over the house, ditto.
It's a matter of compatibility in the end. I know I have only heard one side of the story, but I can honestly see how a lot of women might not think he's a keeper. But I do.
I feel there are very few quirks related to living together that come as a big surprise if you take your time before moving in together. And that's what we're doing. We've had a lot of time to observe each other in our natural habitats, so to speak. I'm aware of his faults, he's aware of mine, and so far, we seem to mesh well enough.
Time will tell. The one thing I do not question is his honesty. And that's huge to me, a lot more important than dirty socks.
It's a matter of compatibility in the end. I know I have only heard one side of the story, but I can honestly see how a lot of women might not think he's a keeper. But I do.
I feel there are very few quirks related to living together that come as a big surprise if you take your time before moving in together. And that's what we're doing. We've had a lot of time to observe each other in our natural habitats, so to speak. I'm aware of his faults, he's aware of mine, and so far, we seem to mesh well enough.
Time will tell. The one thing I do not question is his honesty. And that's huge to me, a lot more important than dirty socks.
The OP Is banned. You can't rep her, nor click to send a DM.
Doh! It wouldn't have occurred to me to send the OP a PM or gawd give rep? Oh PLS!
Why are we even discussing this topic if the OP has been killed? Isn't this the part of the act where the fat lady sings?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Right, that was my point, it's all conjecture. In the absence of the guy, who would know what was afoot in his own mind, I suggested to the OP that she could have tried...asking him? Like asking him, "You said this thing, what does this mean to you?"
My opinion was, if all she needed was to be called "girlfriend" but had no aspirations on all the other milestones and bundled "relationship package" then maybe they could have negotiated a way forward. Like if being called that, or not, was the difference between her feeling like she mattered, versus just some hookup piece of tail he didn't care about...perhaps a conversation could have sorted that out. Especially given the amount of time and attention he was putting into her. (Had it not appeared he was enthusiastic to be spending lots of time with her, I might not have suggested this.) So it depended on a.) her expectations, and b.) his reservations. No way to know, with him not here to say and her not asking. And now not even a member at all.
Yeah para one we agreed. We don't have the BF here to interview.
Yeah I get the part about bundled relationship package. A contract to not break up for some indefinite term. (Obviously the contract expires when one of them decides it's time to leave.)
I think you and I can agree that if either of US was in her place we wouldn't negotiate any kind of deal like that. It appears to me that she gives up everything and she gains nothing, except to have his presence for some indefinite period.
I'd call that wasting your life away. I don't want to be in any relationship that isn't going anywhere. So if I were the OP I'd bail on this. "Shape up your stuff sailor, pack your duffle bag and ship out of here!"
I feel there are very few quirks related to living together that come as a big surprise if you take your time before moving in together. And that's what we're doing. We've had a lot of time to observe each other in our natural habitats, so to speak. I'm aware of his faults, he's aware of mine, and so far, we seem to mesh well enough.
Time will tell. The one thing I do not question is his honesty. And that's huge to me, a lot more important than dirty socks.
I'm happy for you! I feel like you're maybe a few stages ahead of me, maybe a few more than that, but the way OLD is working for me I'll be surprised if I'm not in some similar situation by the end of the year.
This next time will not be my first ride at the rodeo. Or the second.
Doh! It wouldn't have occurred to me to send the OP a PM or gawd give rep? Oh PLS!
Doh (sic)! That's how you check if someone's been banned.
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It's her right to decide to have sex with and who to settle down with. Although, the fact that she wasn't interested in him at first but developed feelings later, makes me believe that she viewed him as more of a "settle down" type. In which case, it's also his right to adapt accordingly, and "trust, but verify". Especially if my conjecture about his fears is true.
You're spot-on! Sometimes, all that's needed to make things right is an honest conversation. Not everyone is good at reading the shhh-loads of nonverbal subtleties that permeate relationships between men and women.
It wouldn't have occurred to me to send the OP a PM or gawd give rep? Oh PLS! 
