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Or else he'd start lying to her in order to get sex.
So far he has been honest with her. She's not The One. She needs to hear what he is saying and believe him.
Women get themselves hurt hoping men will change, hoping men aren't saying what they mean, hoping men will learn to be what they are not willing to be. Or worse, fantasizing that a man is something he is not and talking themselves into believing the fantasy. Using sex for extortion is not going to turn an indifferent relationship into the love of the century.
If a man feels that a woman is The One, he is open about it. He doesn't tell her he doesn't want a relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflyfish
Those were not the words of a man in love, bottom line. And after dating for 5 months, he is letting her know that he is not and never will be in love with her. She's good enough for now, but nothing more.
What's confusing is his constant invitations to her--several times/week. And the kisses in response to her telling him "friends only", or something in that vein. He's really sending mixed signals. If she's not "the One", or not potentially "the One", why so much attachment?
Who knows, but when words don't match actions, that is a red flag. When someone is being true to themselves and others, their actions match their words.
A person can enjoy a relationship without thinking the person is the right person to marry. And can enjoy a friendship without wanting a life partnership with the other person. (with sex or affection)
When one is in one's 20's and 30's, one is often looking for someone to marry and be committed to for life. When one is older and having been married before, one can be more willing to just enjoy a long term relationship or friendship (with sex or affection) rather than needing or wanting to marry.
A person can enjoy a relationship without thinking the person is the right person to marry. And can enjoy a friendship without wanting a life partnership with the other person. (with sex or affection)
When one is in one's 20's and 30's, one is often looking for someone to marry and be committed to for life. When one is older and having been married before, one can be more willing to just enjoy a long term relationship or friendship (with sex or affection) rather than needing or wanting to marry.
Ha, guess OP's guy and I are an exception. Not all young people are eager to tie the knot.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. He is the one monopolizing her time and keeping in constant contact, not her. If he is afraid of giving up "hobbies" he has a weird way of showing it.
*
As for"why"? Because she has expressed clearly that she wants more so he knows he can keep reeling her back in for the companionship (without commitment) that he wants. He doesn't love her, but he wants to make sure she sticks around, for as long as he wants her around. So...the time filling and all the kisses and so on.
Likewise, I've said it before and I'll say it again, once more. Once he meets "the one", he'll forget about all these excuses, whatever toxic family life he had, his hobbies, his collections, his diet, and pursue the woman. And after dating the OP for 5 months with no committment, he'll be engaged (at least) to "the one" within 6 months.
When one is in one's 20's and 30's, one is often looking for someone to marry and be committed to for life. When one is older and having been married before, one can be more willing to just enjoy a long term relationship or friendship (with sex or affection) rather than needing or wanting to marry.
I had people drill into my head that not wanting marriage makes me a Peter Pan. Now you're saying that it puts me ahead of schedule, effectively leapfrogging over the marriage part. Any marriage I needed, I went through it vicariously. So your statement is reassuring to read.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt
Likewise, I've said it before and I'll say it again, once more. Once he meets "the one", he'll forget about all these excuses, whatever toxic family life he had, his hobbies, his collections, his diet, and pursue the woman. And after dating the OP for 5 months with no committment, he'll be engaged (at least) to "the one" within 6 months.
I can't even!
Allow me to propose another theory. That man is worried that the OP wants a relationship with him for the wrong reasons. That is, to gain access to the stability he's willing to provide, rather than out of bodily desire for him. He wants to determine where he stands. So he's stalling the commitment part to ensure that her desire for him is genuine. It's the reversal of a woman making a man wait for sex to ensure that his feelings for her are real. Not that it's an honest thing to do for either gender, but still.
I had people drill into my head that not wanting marriage makes me a Peter Pan. Now you're saying that it puts me ahead of schedule, effectively leapfrogging over the marriage part. Any marriage I needed, I went through it vicariously. So your statement is reassuring to read.
I can't even!
Allow me to propose another theory. That man is worried that the OP wants a relationship with him for the wrong reasons. That is, to gain access to the stability he's willing to provide, rather than out of bodily desire for him. He wants to determine where he stands. So he's stalling the commitment part to ensure that her desire for him is genuine. It's the reversal of a woman making a man wait for sex to ensure that his feelings for her are real. Not that it's an honest thing to do for either gender, but still.
I think you are right. Not all people get engaged within 6 months and 5 months is awfully quick to dall “in love.” Of course you can “fall in love” that fast, but you don’t have enough info to know if it will stand the test of time until much longer.
MillennialUrbanist, what you should preface every one of your statements in this thread with is:
"If I were the man in this scenario and I said this, it would mean..."
Because you are simply describing yourself. And you are not in fact typical, amigo. Your outlook on life and relationships is in fact fairly uncommon, no matter what you think from seeking bias-confirmations on piller websites. That is fringe stuff. Most guys are trying to date, have sex, and have relationships.
That does not make them right or you wrong, or vice versa. What it means though, is that statistically, it's not exactly likely that THIS man, the OP's fellow, is thinking the same stuff you'd be thinking if you were in his shoes.
But it's possible. It's one of several possibilities, in my opinion. And the only person who probably knows what was going on with that guy, IS that guy. Because I personally suspect that the OP just let it end and cut him loose.
And as I've said, I think that if she needs a relationship with milestones, progressing in the direction of a marriage and a family, if that particular path is what she's got in mind, then no matter WHAT he meant, they are not compatible. She should be seeking someone who is much more on-board with that, because he is not, and even if he could one day get there (about her) it could take years.
So there is a good chance that they just were not a good match, whether because he didn't feel she was "the one" or because he was not the marryin' kind, or because of a dozen other reasons. Their goals and values don't seem to have been aligned, most likely, regardless.
Allow me to propose another theory. That man is worried that the OP wants a relationship with him for the wrong reasons. That is, to gain access to the stability he's willing to provide, rather than out of bodily desire for him. He wants to determine where he stands. So he's stalling the commitment part to ensure that her desire for him is genuine. It's the reversal of a woman making a man wait for sex to ensure that his feelings for her are real. Not that it's an honest thing to do for either gender, but still.
Good theory. Perhaps we will see if it plays.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
That does not make them right or you wrong, or vice versa. What it means though, is that statistically, it's not exactly likely that THIS man, the OP's fellow, is thinking the same stuff you'd be thinking if you were in his shoes.
Just to be fair, the "OP's fellow" is not here to tell us HIS side of the story, so in effect guessing what Urban thinks and guessing with OP's fellow thinks are both open to conjecture.
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