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I disagree. A couple has to have real "I can't keep my hands off of you" passion if it is going to last for the long term. It is not the only thing you need, but it is important. It may even fade somewhat with time but it's good to know it's there simmering under the surface.
My unpopular opinion actually directly contradicts this.
I think seeking immediate physical chemistry is overrated. Do you need to be attracted to your partner off the bat? Yes. Don't "give someone a chance" if you aren't attracted to them at all, because that will fail. But I don't think the physical spark has to be 100% natural, immediately. It can build over time in congruence with emotional intimacy and getting to know a person.
If you can see yourself enjoying sex with someone new, but you aren't wild about it right when you first meet, that doesn't mean it's doomed to fail. Give it a couple dates if you are into their personality.
I think women who would genuinely like to have sex with a man but choose not to because it might scare off a good man are misguided. The fear being that this good man will bail because he got what he wanted, and/or because sleeping with him marks here as unworthy. So can we define good man again?
I'm not sure it's unpopular, but it probably seems self serving (like I'm going to get laid if this view prevails
I disagree. A couple has to have real "I can't keep my hands off of you" passion if it is going to last for the long term. It is not the only thing you need, but it is important. It may even fade somewhat with time but it's good to know it's there simmering under the surface.
An exception would be if you're never really passionate about anyone. If you have been "I can't keep my hands off of you" passionate about anyone though, your spouse better be one of those people.
Having passion and chemistry does NOT mean you are physically incapable of holding off sex for a little while.
You make it sound like people who wait on physical intimacy are cold fish. That is not the case, at least for me. I happen to have a healthy respect for the way passion and chemistry can cloud rational thought, so I like to keep my wits about me while evaluating whether it's a man I want around long term.
For me, sexual bonding is powerful stuff. I choose to guard against bonding too quickly to unsuitable partners, to protect myself. It's not a lack of passion, but rather acknowledging its power.
Sex and Intimacy is not a bad thing.
Sex and Intimacy is not a source of shame.
Find companions to mutually share both sex and life.
Respect your companions in life.
Receiving and most importantly giving pleasure is a good thing.
Go forth and practice safely..... enjoy, learn, discover....
I think women who would genuinely like to have sex with a man but choose not to because it might scare off a good man are misguided. The fear being that this good man will bail because he got what he wanted, and/or because sleeping with him marks here as unworthy. So can we define good man again?
I'm not sure it's unpopular, but it probably seems self serving (like I'm going to get laid if this view prevails
I don't delay sex because I am worried about scaring off a good man, I delay because I don't want to bond with someone who is BAD for me. And I have a very hard time not getting all warm and squishy and bonded after sex, so I try to keep my thinking clear for a few dates.
Having passion and chemistry does NOT mean you are physically incapable of holding off sex for a little while.
You make it sound like people who wait on physical intimacy are cold fish. That is not the case, at least for me. I happen to have a healthy respect for the way passion and chemistry can cloud rational thought, so I like to keep my wits about me while evaluating whether it's a man I want around long term.
For me, sexual bonding is powerful stuff. I choose to guard against bonding too quickly to unsuitable partners, to protect myself. It's not a lack of passion, but rather acknowledging its power.
Sure but even saying all that most people have a short list(hopefully a short list!) of people who they were so hot for that they just had to have them right there and then in spite of all that. If one of those people turns out to be the person you end up with for the long haul then you'll be better off. And if you end up with someone who is not on that short list, that short list will always be in the back of your mind, haunting your bedroom, even if just subconsciously.
Of course some people are just like that with anyone they are attracted to, but they probably aren't going to make great long term partners anyway.
I don't delay sex because I am worried about scaring off a good man, I delay because I don't want to bond with someone who is BAD for me. And I have a very hard time not getting all warm and squishy and bonded after sex, so I try to keep my thinking clear for a few dates.
But I'm guessing you've heard women or read here of their mixed feelings that they are ready, by whatever criteria they use, but delay because they think it's what they're expected to do. And their oft stated concern that some man will judge them if they give in is effed up on so many levels. Why would she care about the judgement of a man who believes that a woman who sleeps with him is damaged? Could that be any more ironic? And the idea that sex is something women do for men is a whole other bag of d**** that needs to be thoroughly sorted out.
Now your stance is first your business and needs no endorsement from me, but it sounds like a really good approach. I'm guessing that when you're ready, though, you're beyond fearing that the guy will look at you differently (judgmentally) if you two have sex, and if he did, you'd feel well rid of him.
Sure but even saying all that most people have a short list(hopefully a short list!) of people who they were so hot for that they just had to have them right there and then in spite of all that. If one of those people turns out to be the person you end up with for the long haul then you'll be better off. And if you end up with someone who is not on that short list, that short list will always be in the back of your mind, haunting your bedroom, even if just subconsciously.
Of course some people are just like that with anyone they are attracted to, but they probably aren't going to make great long term partners anyway.
People can have intense chemistry off the bat, and be HORRIBLE for each other. Been there, done that.
I want to know if someone is honest and good before the chemistry is played with, lest things explode.
But I'm guessing you've heard women or read here of their mixed feelings that they are ready, by whatever criteria they use, but delay because they think it's what they're expected to do. And their oft stated concern that some man will judge them if they give in is effed up on so many levels. Why would she care about the judgement of a man who believes that a woman who sleeps with him is damaged? Could that be any more ironic? And the idea that sex is something women do for men is a whole other bag of d**** that needs to be thoroughly sorted out.
Now your stance is first your business and needs no endorsement from me, but it sounds like a really good approach. I'm guessing that when you're ready, though, you're beyond fearing that the guy will look at you differently if you two have sex, and if he did, you'd feel well rid of him.
It's all hypothetical now, since things are going very well with my SO and with any luck, he's my last sex partner. It didn't take that long to feel right about him, because his honesty and transparency was apparent from day one.
Sure but even saying all that most people have a short list(hopefully a short list!) of people who they were so hot for that they just had to have them right there and then in spite of all that. If one of those people turns out to be the person you end up with for the long haul then you'll be better off. And if you end up with someone who is not on that short list, that short list will always be in the back of your mind, haunting your bedroom, even if just subconsciously.
Of course some people are just like that with anyone they are attracted to, but they probably aren't going to make great long term partners anyway.
Oh PFFFT!
I think it's safe to say most of us have had more than one sexual partner. I also think it's hyperbole to say those people haunt the bedroom.
When I'm 'with' my husband, I'm pretty focused and in the moment with HIM. Not people I've had sex with in the past.
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