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One more thing I should share, and I may be off-base on it, tell me what you think (and I'm liable to take some flak for it).
I do have one hang-up when it comes to selectiveness, and that's dating a single mother. I don't have anything against single mothers, I know many that are great people and parents, I've had friends and family marry single parents and have successful marriages.
For me, though, for now, I'm not looking to suddenly have kids, and I'd really like to experience a relationship in which we can make each other the priority in each other's lives. Where we can pick up and go do something impulsive on a weekend without going through too much trouble. Where I can surprise her with an unexpected date night. I'm wanting to make a woman the focus of my life for a while ("for a while" meaning that I know once a partnership is established there can be other priorities...life, kids, supporting each other's ambitions, etc.), and I'd like to be the focus of her life for a while.
For a single mother the biggest priority in her life should be raising her children; in fact, I would think lesser of a woman who started distancing herself from her kids because of me (I know some deadbeats, too, all male though). I'm not completely ruling out single mothers if the person is right, but it's not a group that I am actively looking at and pursuing. I know it's hurting my field of dating prospects because a great many single women in my area (in fact, most single women in my area) are parents.
Am I off-base or being unrealistic?
I would say you are being *realistic*, not unrealistic. In rural areas sometimes you find a lot of single moms. But look at it this way - the vast majority of women in your county, for example, are not people you could or would want to date - too young, too old, married, whatever. OLD is your friend - put out there, what you are looking for, and what you are bringing to the table.
OP, you go in caring too much. For example, I am CFBC. When I was dating, I knew the chances of finding a gal who was also CFBC was about 20%. So my initial approach, if you would even call it an approach, was to find out if *I* was going to be interested in her beyond physical appearance. I am not Joe Average, I share little DNA with such. The vast majority of women out there are not compatible. The approach should be cat-like, not happy puppy like. You are not offering yourself up without conditions. There are plenty of conditions.
If you lost 70 lbs, you were way overweight. You need to keep on hitting the gym until you move from OK, on into becoming a very fit specimen. You may have a hard time finding a good dojo, but, martial arts are wonderful for not only conditioning, but also coordination, and self-confidence. As you get into better shape, your self-confidence will also improve. Even if the local women don't appreciate your better physical condition, it will help you in all sorts of ways. Remember their failure to recognize your worth, does not reduce your intrinsic value. When you are in good enough shape, (you will know, when this is) consider yourself a new man who just fell from space. The previous you, that guy who never heard a "yes", is history. He was mercifully schlepped into a UFO, and flown away to a distant galaxy. Like a retired Legionnaire, you have no past.
What about your job? It's hard to have confidence if you are broke and expect to be laid off. This part is long-term.
Maybe work on improving your wardrobe? Hair, how's your hair and haircut? Do you have the kind of face that works better with some facial hair?
As far as not letting on that you are interested in a gal - that can be made to work. Try to find out via indirect inquiry if she's available, and if she might be interested in a guy like you. "Pre-qualify your prospects" so to speak.
All my ideas are long-term and will result in a "better you" regardless of what the ladies may think.
I was obese. Now I'm way overweight. Dropping fast, though. Down 95 pounds now. I am determined to get that under control. I've got goals, a plan, and a personal trainer. I am going to get in shape.
Job, fine. Steady, secure, pays pretty decently. I enjoy it, which is the best part.
Wardrobe, weak point. I have no sense of fashion and it's difficult to get someone's help when shopping. Shopping is an event in and of itself due to the distance I am from places to shop, much less set it up to have someone who has style there to guide me. Most of the time I order clothes online.
Hair, thinning. Actually it was thinning more like ten years ago. Safe to say "balding" now. Male pattern baldness. Receding hairline, crown is very bare. I'm really not sure what to do with it.
My face definitely works better with facial hair. My cheeks are permanently discolored by a skin condition...in school I used to get made fun of for it, I'm still self-conscious about it if someone brings it up. I've got a close-cropped, neatly trimmed, full jaw beard that takes a little of the focus away from the discoloration.
Quote:
Originally Posted by M3 Mitch
I would say you are being *realistic*, not unrealistic. In rural areas sometimes you find a lot of single moms. But look at it this way - the vast majority of women in your county, for example, are not people you could or would want to date - too young, too old, married, whatever. OLD is your friend - put out there, what you are looking for, and what you are bringing to the table.
Online dating's a route I'll probably try at some point, but the drift I've gotten is that it's a complete meat market, high M:F ratio. I'm not a very photogenic person and my online persona leaves a lot to be desired. I've also got good reasons to be wary of free dating sites. Premium sites would probably be the way I'd go, but I'm not keen on spending $50 a month to stare at an empty inbox.
Ive seen this uber beta behavior before on other relationship forums. Men that have a certain thinking that they wont let go, and wont listen to simple advise that is completely different than what their ideas are about women. Whats worse, talking to men that cant tell you what they are doing wrong, because they dont understand what it is when you ask them about it. They just want to stay comfortable in a world where they arent trying anything different.
Do share. What thinking?
My life is unrecognizable from what it was a year ago. If that's not "trying anything different" I don't know what is. I've got a book sitting three feet away from me (haven't had time to start it, yet) that was suggested on here. I want to fix me. It's why I'm here.
This isn't an exhibit; you can interact with the animals. If you've got suggestions, please say them.
Online dating's a route I'll probably try at some point, but the drift I've gotten is that it's a complete meat market, high M:F ratio. I'm not a very photogenic person and my online persona leaves a lot to be desired. I've also got good reasons to be wary of free dating sites. Premium sites would probably be the way I'd go, but I'm not keen on spending $50 a month to stare at an empty inbox.
That's not what meat market means. Meat market means a place where people are looking to get physically intimate quickly -- which is exactly what you need. Who cares about the ratio? Look at it this way, online dating would allow you to compete without the anxiety-inducing "feeling that you have to compete" that guys sometimes get by being in a club/bar.
Also, no, you do not have good reasons to be wary of free dating sites. Like anything else worth doing, exercise good judgment and have fun. The quality of your matches isn't going to be real great given that you're in a rural area but, if I may be honest, you're kind of starting from the bottom anyway.
Oh, for the hair: buzz it, especially if you're big, have a beard, and live in a rural area.
I was obese. Now I'm way overweight. Dropping fast, though. Down 95 pounds now. I am determined to get that under control. I've got goals, a plan, and a personal trainer. I am going to get in shape.
That's super impressive, OP! Great job on those 95 GONE lbs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
Wardrobe, weak point. I have no sense of fashion and it's difficult to get someone's help when shopping. Shopping is an event in and of itself due to the distance I am from places to shop, much less set it up to have someone who has style there to guide me. Most of the time I order clothes online.
Who do you know or see regularly who dresses well? (Talking about men). What do they wear? Try choosing clothes which are similar. Make sure everything you wear fits you well. Pay for alterations if necessary.
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
I
Hair, thinning. Actually it was thinning more like ten years ago. Safe to say "balding" now. Male pattern baldness. Receding hairline, crown is very bare. I'm really not sure what to do with it.
Shave it. Bald is more attractive than a bald spot.
Also, do you know which colors look best on you? Everyone has colors which flatter them and colors which don't. Stick with colors which flatter you, especially for your shirts. Google things like "color pallette for my skin tone" "what is my skin tone" "my best colors" etc.
How about cologne/after shave? Do you regularly wear something which smells nice? Yes, smelling nice is kind of a turn-on for lots of women.
My life is unrecognizable from what it was a year ago. If that's not "trying anything different" I don't know what is. I've got a book sitting three feet away from me (haven't had time to start it, yet) that was suggested on here. I want to fix me. It's why I'm here.
This isn't an exhibit; you can interact with the animals. If you've got suggestions, please say them.
I actually did give suggestions in your other thread about this, and you didnt seem to notice. I suggest you go back and check that out.
Ill add this,
Youre doing well with your progress, but it looks like you have quite a ways to go. Be careful if you are trying to chat up women that are well done up, they want a guy to match. If youre not well done up, they will walk away quick. They want to be able to brag to their friends that they are talking to a guy that has it all together.
What have you done about the skin condition on your face?
If you are chubby, are you chatting up chubby women? Because there wont be many women in shape that would be interested in someone thats out of shape. Dont let people lie to you, looks always matter. Its just to what degree. Alot of people are the same, few are different that will give someone a chance that isnt generally attractive.
Whats your weight to height ratio?
Are you making sure your general hygene is good when talking to people? If you smell, people wont tell you. people suck like that.
Clothes wise, thats easy, just go to the mall and see whats on the mannequins. Buy clothes as close to the style as will look good on you.
Take it from someone who also had to start from scratch when learning to be better socially and romantically.
i actually did give suggestions in your other thread about this, and you didnt seem to notice. I suggest you go back and check that out.
Ill add this,
youre doing well with your progress, but it looks like you have quite a ways to go. Be careful if you are trying to chat up women that are well done up, they want a guy to match. If youre not well done up, they will walk away quick. They want to be able to brag to their friends that they are talking to a guy that has it all together.
What have you done about the skin condition on your face?
If you are chubby, are you chatting up chubby women? Because there wont be many women in shape that would be interested in someone thats out of shape. dont let people lie to you, looks always matter. Its just to what degree. Alot of people are the same, few are different that will give someone a chance that isnt generally attractive.
Whats your weight to height ratio?
Are you making sure your general hygene is good when talking to people? If you smell, people wont tell you. People suck like that.
Clothes wise, thats easy, just go to the mall and see whats on the mannequins. Buy clothes as close to the style as will look good on you.
Take it from someone who also had to start from scratch when learning to be better socially and romantically.
i wonder if he really had no one at all... the most likely case is the women interested in him, he blew off... just like the women who he asks out blow him off
people tend to think they have no options because they overlook the options they dont like... kind of like the people who say there are no jobs, they mean there are no jobs they want to do
Who do you know or see regularly who dresses well? (Talking about men). What do they wear? Try choosing clothes which are similar. Make sure everything you wear fits you well. Pay for alterations if necessary.
No one, really. The only male fashion that really catches my eye and makes me think "Wow, that looks good" is suits. Everything else...no idea if it looks good or not.
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