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OP, have you ever been screened for Autism Spectrum Disorder?
You seem to spend a lot of energy scientifically gathering evidence about human behavior and erroneously applying it to all scenarios. That's not how it works. Are you aware that everyone's thoughts, reactions, experiences, opinions, insights and ways of processing are vastly, VASTLY different?
when is the last time you threw a house party/hosted more than 10 people that aren't relatives over to the house?
if you talk like those pictures... it isnt because you talk a lot, but you sound boring... learn some social skills in how to talk with friends. the texts give the impression that you would treat everyone as your coworker, no one dates because they want to find a coworker, they date because the person can turn off their job personality once they leave the job. who wants to be married to their job, much less someone else's job?
autism is not an excuse anymore than being alcoholic. i know plenty of fun autistic people who do fine. wish people on here stopped using autism as the go to "illness" for the reason dating sucks
I don't have natural social skills. I've developed some for every-day friendly types of interactions. I've done that by studying, researching, observing, and practicing through trial and error. Romantic skills are even further behind because it's very rare for me to have an opportunity to practice them at all. For years all I had to base my observations on was: watching other guys have an easy time, and watching myself be miserably nervous and doubtful.
I didn't magically have social / romantic "skills" either. I developed them by talking to people, learning from mistakes, etc.
If I could give you one piece of advice (apart from looks) - it's to learn to be genuinely interested in whoever you're talking to. This applies in all relationships, platonic or otherwise.
When people feel like you really, truly, deeply care about them, what they have to say, etc - People will open up a lot and start talking about a myriad of different things.
But - and this is key - this isn't something you can fake.
I didn't magically have social / romantic "skills" either. I developed them by talking to people, learning from mistakes, etc.
If I could give you one piece of advice (apart from looks) - it's to learn to be genuinely interested in whoever you're talking to. This applies in all relationships, platonic or otherwise.
When people feel like you really, truly, deeply care about them, what they have to say, etc - People will open up a lot and start talking about a myriad of different things.
But - and this is key - this isn't something you can fake.
This. If you stop worrying about yourself and concentrate on the person you're talking to the whole dynamic changes.
You write too much. Females don't like that much emotion. Think about a female's ideal man. It would be a dude that just doesn't give a ****. Work on being that dude and you won't be able to brush them off you.
Never. Never thrown a party at all. Not much local social circle, too isolated.
This is where you need to start. It's a common denominator with a lot of the guys on this board who are unsuccessful with women--they're really unsuccessful with people in general. They're not out living lives that interest them. They're not having fun and meeting people. Living in your head and online doesn't necessarily translate to a successful social life.
This is where you need to start. It's a common denominator with a lot of the guys on this board who are unsuccessful with women--they're really unsuccessful with people in general. They're not out living lives that interest them. They're not having fun and meeting people. Living in your head and online doesn't necessarily translate to a successful social life.
I agree with the first part of your post. If you are part of a large social circle, the more likely it is you'll cross paths with people you're interested in, and people who are interested in you.
When I was in my mid 20s, two women friends and I almost became roommates. (yeah, while in the planning stages, we often made Three's Company jokes) They were much more social than I, (that's not hard to do) and if we had become roommates, I would have benefited from being part of their larger social circle, and I imagine my life would be very different now. But, one of the friends dropped out of the agreement, made a very large life change, and moved out west.
But I disagree with the second--and larger--part of your post. When the roommate plan fell through, I decided to put down roots in my current city, and am living the more solitary--but interesting to me--life, here. The stuff I enjoy doing simply doesn't put me in contact with lots of people.
So I read those text message exchanges. First of all, I wouldn't ask a female to give you the truth, I would ask a male. With women you have to watch what they do in order to understand what they want, not watch what they say they want. Do you have male friends? If not, that's a major red flag. Second, when you ask, keep in mind that most people are going to be uncomfortable giving you the true answer. Therefore, I would sit someone down face to face and say something like this: "Look, I'm 33 and have barely been on a date. I know there is a big big problem with me, but I don't know what it is. I really need to know. Please, please, please, please, just be brutally honest with me."
All that being said, here are my observations based on what I've seen on this thread:
1. When most people say they are 70 pounds overweight, it really means they are 100 pounds overweight. Is this you? Be totally honest with yourself. Either way, you are severely restricting your female options. I say this as someone currently trying to lose a lot weight myself. As you continue to lose weight you will naturally be more and more confident. I would also recommend lifting weights and getting toned, fit, and muscular. A fit, athletic build has been called the great equalizer if you may be lacking in other areas.
2. You may be lacking in masculinity and you may be exhibiting too much feminine behavior. Watch other men that do well with women. Watch their body language and the way they comport themselves. Cut down on the amount of words you use, be more concise.
3. You are severely decreasing your value by the amount of information that you are sharing about yourself. There is not enough mystery there. When your friend said you are dependable and loyal, those are admirable qualities. They may even help you keep a woman once you get one, but they will not help you get a woman. If you want to get a woman, get dates, get interest, etc...you have to compete . If you don't have more to offer than the other 4-5 guys that are competing with you, you will always come up short. One thing that concerns me about your situation is that you have a stable career. I say 'concerns' even though having a stable career is a good thing. So to be brutally honest, it's concerning because your stable career is a check mark in your favor. That means you are probably severely lacking in other areas, but you don't realize it. Which brings me to my next point....
4. Find a way to be more honest with yourself. How do you stack up in the following areas:
a- sense of humor
b- fun to be around
c- exciting
d- sex appeal
e- social skills
f- how interesting are you relative to other people?
g- misc skills- (do you excel at anything like athletics, music, politics, etc etc)
h- conversation
I- masculinity
There are more but you get the picture. You don't have to excel at everything but the whole package needs to be better than the men you are competing against. If the whole package is better than most of your competitors, you will get a ton of female attention and you will be beating women off with a stick; if the package is better than some, you will still get opportunities; but if the package is better than few or none, well... you will go nowhere with women.
Please understand, this is not a reflection of your value as a person or your value as a man. You sound like a very nice gentleman, and I think it's great that you are trying to improve your success with women. There are many men that are great human beings that struggle with women, and there are many men that are poor human beings but do great with woman. As mentioned in another post, you have plenty of time to change your situation, but it needs to start with you being honest with yourself.
I love how the one woman told you to stop arguing devil's advocate all the time (I mean she dinged in right away with that one!) and your first reaction was to argue with her about it. Classic
OP based on that tidbit and the circumlocutory nature of your posts here, it sounds like a big part of what's putting women off you is just your verbosity. Maybe you don't know when to quit.
That's not usually something that can be "fixed," unfortunately. As you said, it's just who you are.
I agree that you might look in to an evaluation for aspergers, and I agree that you need to get out of your own head. And by that I mean forcing yourself to focus outwardly instead of spending SO much time and energy on YOU.
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