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I would say you are being *realistic*, not unrealistic. In rural areas sometimes you find a lot of single moms. But look at it this way - the vast majority of women in your county, for example, are not people you could or would want to date - too young, too old, married, whatever. OLD is your friend - put out there, what you are looking for, and what you are bringing to the table.
One disclaimer the OP should be warned about with OLD is that it’s very common for women he’s messaging with to ghost him or completely disappear. I know this from my very brief experience with it and others I know. I even remember girls messaging me first, then ghosting after a few messages exchanged. This shouldn’t discourage him. I’m just pointing this out so that he doesn’t give up and pack it in after talking with a few women before he meets any in person.
I’m the opposite of the OP and probably many others. I work a lot better in person and when meeting women in person. I have a much better shot in keeping a woman interested in person than over messages online. I’m very charismatic in person, but very bland when it comes to sending messages back and forth with someone I never met before. It’s much easier for me to showcase myself in person. It wasn’t always like this for me, not until I turned 30. I’ll go out places and women have approached me. Not saying in random places, but I’ve went to bars and with friends and have gotten hit on by girls there and dates with them before. I don’t drink, but I’ve went to the bar with friends just to hang out and sometimes act as a designated driver. I can talk to anybody, anywhere. My social skills greatly improved in my 30’s. It was a dramatic turnaround.
Online dating, yeah, I’ve heard that’s an issue and I’ve already seen it in the bit of dabbling I’ve done so far. I know it’s common behavior so I’m trying not to take it personally. Trying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by deepsix
I love how Arms' RL friend pointed out the same thing
I’d like to say I don’t talk like I write. Really I write more like I think...actually used to write essays competitively in high school and do pretty well. But when I find a topic that I’m really interested in and passionate about I’ll tend to go on at length about it (hello).
In the past in conversations I’ve tended to be pretty quiet unless one of these subjects came up...then I wouldn’t shut up about it. Learning how to control that (editing my thoughts) has been something I’ve tried to work on this year. You guys here, though, are seeing as much of my psyche as I’ve ever shown anyone. I want to fix me.
I used to think that I might have a mild form of Asperger’s (that one’s out of vogue now, though). Never been formally tested or screened, just recognized some of the signs in myself—near-obsession with certain subjects, difficulty grasping social cues naturally, mild physical ticks based on sensory stimulation (I think I do a good job of keeping these to myself). I’ve only ever brought it up to one person, he said no way (he’d known someone once on the autism spectrum who did qualify for Asperger’s).
I looked back, I remember reading it now. Predicating on self-confidence. That's something that I have to fake. I don't feel it. Not much to do but keep working on myself and hoping I break through it.
You shouldnt have to fake confidence. If youre lacking confidence, youre still thinking of a result in talking to women which you shouldnt be. All the pressure should be off if you are talking just for the sake of seeing if someone is interesting.
I read your two texts with the married women, and those are two people that from what I see arent helping you, they basically gave you nothing of honesty except for the literal. They come off to me as two women trying to avoid saying anything to hurt your feelings so THEY dont feel guilty. You cant always break through that, they just wont be honest to you.
But one thing one of them brought up, is that since you know it all, you should seek knowledge from people you talk to as well as give a little. Youre not having a conversation if youre prattling on about what you know, but I think you already know this.
Im also curious about how you are literal all the time.
BTW you dont always have to read signs from women. If they ask questions about you it means you might have sparked their curiosity. All you have to do is be interesting.
You shouldnt have to fake confidence. If youre lacking confidence, youre still thinking of a result in talking to women which you shouldnt be. All the pressure should be off if you are talking just for the sake of seeing if someone is interesting.
I read your two texts with the married women, and those are two people that from what I see arent helping you, they basically gave you nothing of honesty except for the literal. They come off to me as two women trying to avoid saying anything to hurt your feelings so THEY dont feel guilty. You cant always break through that, they just wont be honest to you.
But one thing one of them brought up, is that since you know it all, you should seek knowledge from people you talk to as well as give a little. Youre not having a conversation if youre prattling on about what you know, but I think you already know this.
Im also curious about how you are literal all the time.
BTW you dont always have to read signs from women. If they ask questions about you it means you might have sparked their curiosity. All you have to do is be interesting.
Literal: actually there’s an example in this very thread:
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
Quote:
Originally Posted by picardlx
Put up an OLD account accurately describing yourself and let them ask you.
You won't get a flood of options. But at least the women who reach out will have already discounted your introversion and shyness.
You're going to have to spell that one out for me, I'm afraid I don't understand it.
I'm assuming it has something to do with online dating; never done it before, so there are no "old" accounts.
Idioms sometimes throw me. I have to think through them before I get the correct context. I suppose it can make me look dumb, sarcastic, or pedantic. Me: “He paid for that house with CASH?” (thinking piles of dollar bills). “Yeah, he cut a check for the full price, no mortgage.” “...Oh.” (That exchange actually happened once.)
Another example: I was a late teenager before I realized the thing on Superman’s chest was an S. I knew Superman was an alien, so I figured the design was an alien symbols. What I saw was a yellow alien pattern on a red background. (And I’m a comic book fan...had a poster of Superman on my wall growing up, so it wasn’t from lack of exposure.)
Signals...no, I really can’t read signals. The first time I asked a girl out was after she had sat next to me for two hours at an event making lots of physical contact with me...touching me lightly when making conversation, letting her foot rub up against my leg repeatedly (like bouncing her foot up and down and rubbing it against my leg), letting her hand graze my thigh when repositioning herself, adjusting stuff on my jacket and tie, things like that. I fell hard. Got rejected hard.
People in high school, some certain guys especially, used to mess with me, see if they could get me to physically react and get mad. Hugging me, trying to kiss my cheeks, get into my personal bubble, touch my butt, stuff like that. I hated it, but I was big and slow and couldn’t catch them when I tried to get them to stop. After the girl rejected me, I always assumed that she was either doing the same thing or trying out some of her newly developed feminine wiles on an easy, harmless target. After that incident I assumed that girls who made physical contact with me (and there were two) were trying to get the same rise out of me. I didn’t tell another girl that I liked her and wanted to go out with her for another four years. Looking back on those four years now I realize that I missed some clear signals from girls that I thought were being nice or trying to mess with me.
Even now I have a hard time with it...is she being nice, or is she interested. I’ve read articles and watched videos on what to look for but I still get it wrong (or screw up my chances in other ways).
For the others, the ones giving me feedback...I don’t lay out all of my fears and insecurities like I am here. I’ve gotten very good over the years at faking normalcy in casual situations, very good at hiding my true thoughts and feelings. If you knew me in real life you probably wouldn’t think anything was wrong, like them, except that I’m overweight and trying to overcome being a dull conversationalist. When I’m trying to establish a romantic connection with a woman it all comes roaring to the forefront. They haven’t seen me do that, so they could be being genuine.
You asked me to elaborate on lack of self awareness.
Now look at your last paragraph from post 115, thats what im talking about.
There is nothing wrong with you in the sense that you may not have any major character defects...but your lack of success with women shows there is def something 'wrong' (as in, holding you back). And anyone that is close to you knows it- even if they wont tell you.
So you first have to be honest that there is a problem- or maybe even several problems. And trust me, these are not small things otherwise you woukd have had different outcomes by now.
The good news is that you have plenty of time to fix your issues.
Literal: actually there’s an example in this very thread:
Idioms sometimes throw me. I have to think through them before I get the correct context. I suppose it can make me look dumb, sarcastic, or pedantic. Me: “He paid for that house with CASH?” (thinking piles of dollar bills). “Yeah, he cut a check for the full price, no mortgage.” “...Oh.” (That exchange actually happened once.)
Another example: I was a late teenager before I realized the thing on Superman’s chest was an S. I knew Superman was an alien, so I figured the design was an alien symbols. What I saw was a yellow alien pattern on a red background. (And I’m a comic book fan...had a poster of Superman on my wall growing up, so it wasn’t from lack of exposure.)
Signals...no, I really can’t read signals. The first time I asked a girl out was after she had sat next to me for two hours at an event making lots of physical contact with me...touching me lightly when making conversation, letting her foot rub up against my leg repeatedly (like bouncing her foot up and down and rubbing it against my leg), letting her hand graze my thigh when repositioning herself, adjusting stuff on my jacket and tie, things like that. I fell hard. Got rejected hard.
People in high school, some certain guys especially, used to mess with me, see if they could get me to physically react and get mad. Hugging me, trying to kiss my cheeks, get into my personal bubble, touch my butt, stuff like that. I hated it, but I was big and slow and couldn’t catch them when I tried to get them to stop. After the girl rejected me, I always assumed that she was either doing the same thing or trying out some of her newly developed feminine wiles on an easy, harmless target. After that incident I assumed that girls who made physical contact with me (and there were two) were trying to get the same rise out of me. I didn’t tell another girl that I liked her and wanted to go out with her for another four years. Looking back on those four years now I realize that I missed some clear signals from girls that I thought were being nice or trying to mess with me.
Even now I have a hard time with it...is she being nice, or is she interested. I’ve read articles and watched videos on what to look for but I still get it wrong (or screw up my chances in other ways).
For the others, the ones giving me feedback...I don’t lay out all of my fears and insecurities like I am here. I’ve gotten very good over the years at faking normalcy in casual situations, very good at hiding my true thoughts and feelings. If you knew me in real life you probably wouldn’t think anything was wrong, like them, except that I’m overweight and trying to overcome being a dull conversationalist. When I’m trying to establish a romantic connection with a woman it all comes roaring to the forefront. They haven’t seen me do that, so they could be being genuine.
OP, have you ever been screened for Autism Spectrum Disorder?
You seem to spend a lot of energy scientifically gathering evidence about human behavior and erroneously applying it to all scenarios. That's not how it works. Are you aware that everyone's thoughts, reactions, experiences, opinions, insights and ways of processing are vastly, VASTLY different?
Literal: actually there’s an example in this very thread:
Idioms sometimes throw me. I have to think through them before I get the correct context. I suppose it can make me look dumb, sarcastic, or pedantic. Me: “He paid for that house with CASH?” (thinking piles of dollar bills). “Yeah, he cut a check for the full price, no mortgage.” “...Oh.” (That exchange actually happened once.)
Another example: I was a late teenager before I realized the thing on Superman’s chest was an S. I knew Superman was an alien, so I figured the design was an alien symbols. What I saw was a yellow alien pattern on a red background. (And I’m a comic book fan...had a poster of Superman on my wall growing up, so it wasn’t from lack of exposure.)
Signals...no, I really can’t read signals. The first time I asked a girl out was after she had sat next to me for two hours at an event making lots of physical contact with me...touching me lightly when making conversation, letting her foot rub up against my leg repeatedly (like bouncing her foot up and down and rubbing it against my leg), letting her hand graze my thigh when repositioning herself, adjusting stuff on my jacket and tie, things like that. I fell hard. Got rejected hard.
People in high school, some certain guys especially, used to mess with me, see if they could get me to physically react and get mad. Hugging me, trying to kiss my cheeks, get into my personal bubble, touch my butt, stuff like that. I hated it, but I was big and slow and couldn’t catch them when I tried to get them to stop. After the girl rejected me, I always assumed that she was either doing the same thing or trying out some of her newly developed feminine wiles on an easy, harmless target. After that incident I assumed that girls who made physical contact with me (and there were two) were trying to get the same rise out of me. I didn’t tell another girl that I liked her and wanted to go out with her for another four years. Looking back on those four years now I realize that I missed some clear signals from girls that I thought were being nice or trying to mess with me.
Even now I have a hard time with it...is she being nice, or is she interested. I’ve read articles and watched videos on what to look for but I still get it wrong (or screw up my chances in other ways).
For the others, the ones giving me feedback...I don’t lay out all of my fears and insecurities like I am here. I’ve gotten very good over the years at faking normalcy in casual situations, very good at hiding my true thoughts and feelings. If you knew me in real life you probably wouldn’t think anything was wrong, like them, except that I’m overweight and trying to overcome being a dull conversationalist. When I’m trying to establish a romantic connection with a woman it all comes roaring to the forefront. They haven’t seen me do that, so they could be being genuine.
It sounds like alot of your literal tendencies are just lack of knowledge. If you heard the phrase "paid for the house with cash" and ask the same question again, then thats something else entirely.
BTW the easy way to tell if a young lady is practicing her feminine wiles on you is if she asks anything about who you are. I so, she could be into you, if not, be suspicious of a game and proceed thinking shes practicing on you.
You asked me to elaborate on lack of self awareness.
Now look at your last paragraph from post 115, thats what im talking about.
There is nothing wrong with you in the sense that you may not have any major character defects...but your lack of success with women shows there is def something 'wrong' (as in, holding you back). And anyone that is close to you knows it- even if they wont tell you.
So you first have to be honest that there is a problem- or maybe even several problems. And trust me, these are not small things otherwise you woukd have had different outcomes by now.
The good news is that you have plenty of time to fix your issues.
Maybe he’s just approaching women who don’t find him physically attractive enough.
Maybe he’s just approaching women who don’t find him physically attractive enough.
Well, maybe, but the fact that women haven't approached him is a big red flag. By that age and with a good job, he should be generating a lot of interest- even being overweight.
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