[33M]. Never had a woman say yes when I asked her out. What am I doing wrong? (engagement, jealous)
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using many words where fewer would do, especially in a deliberate attempt to be vague or evasive; long-winded.
"he has a meandering, circumlocutory speaking style"
I love how the one woman told you to stop arguing devil's advocate all the time (I mean she dinged in right away with that one!) and your first reaction was to argue with her about it. Classic
OP based on that tidbit and the circumlocutory nature of your posts here, it sounds like a big part of what's putting women off you is just your verbosity. Maybe you don't know when to quit.
That's not usually something that can be "fixed," unfortunately. As you said, it's just who you are.
I agree that you might look in to an evaluation for aspergers, and I agree that you need to get out of your own head. And by that I mean forcing yourself to focus outwardly instead of spending SO much time and energy on YOU.
Don't listen to the bolded. You can absolutely fix it.
Are we talking just about the verbosity? If so, he just needs to be (much) more concise. That's a work in progress. It starts with being aware of the problem. Next he has to actively and mindfully work on saying less. This can absolutely be done with effort and practice.
Are we talking just about the verbosity? If so, he just needs to be (much) more concise. That's a work in progress. It starts with being aware of the problem. Next he has to actively and mindfully work on saying less. This can absolutely be done with effort and practice.
The thing is ... it's not as if he's JUST a motormouth or just isn't engaging the filter between his brain and his mouth.
The obsessive focus on self-improvement, the rumination, the inability to recognize social cues ... Many of his behaviors ARE reminiscent of someone on the autism spectrum ... high functioning, of course, but definitely as if something else is at work. If that is the case, it's not as easy to fix as just "mindfully saying less." His mind, how his brain works, is the issue.
The thing is ... it's not as if he's JUST a motormouth or just isn't engaging the filter between his brain and his mouth.
The obsessive focus on self-improvement, the rumination, the inability to recognize social cues ... Many of his behaviors ARE reminiscent of someone on the autism spectrum ... high functioning, of course, but definitely as if something else is at work. If that is the case, it's not as easy to fix as just "mindfully saying less." His mind, how his brain works, is the issue.
Is he having trouble with all interactions or just women? To me it sounded like he felt confident in regular interactions, it was just attractive women that threw him off.
In any case he should ask his therapist to evaluate him if he hasn’t been already.
I used to think that I might have a mild form of Asperger’s (that one’s out of vogue now, though). Never been formally tested or screened, just recognized some of the signs in myself—near-obsession with certain subjects, difficulty grasping social cues naturally, mild physical ticks based on sensory stimulation (I think I do a good job of keeping these to myself). I’ve only ever brought it up to one person, he said no way (he’d known someone once on the autism spectrum who did qualify for Asperger’s).
He’s picked up on it himself before.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Levels77
Is he having trouble with all interactions or just women? To me it sounded like he felt confident in regular interactions, it was just attractive women that threw him off.
In any case he should ask his therapist to evaluate him if he hasn’t been already.
Which is related to why I really disagree with dysgenic here:
Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic
3. You are severely decreasing your value by the amount of information that you are sharing about yourself. There is not enough mystery there. When your friend said you are dependable and loyal, those are admirable qualities. They may even help you keep a woman once you get one, but they will not help you get a woman. If you want to get a woman, get dates, get interest, etc...you have to compete . If you don't have more to offer than the other 4-5 guys that are competing with you, you will always come up short. One thing that concerns me about your situation is that you have a stable career. I say 'concerns' even though having a stable career is a good thing. So to be brutally honest, it's concerning because your stable career is a check mark in your favor. That means you are probably severely lacking in other areas, but you don't realize it. Which brings me to my next point....
4. Find a way to be more honest with yourself. How do you stack up in the following areas:
a- sense of humor
b- fun to be around
c- exciting
d- sex appeal
e- social skills
f- how interesting are you relative to other people?
g- misc skills- (do you excel at anything like athletics, music, politics, etc etc)
h- conversation
I- masculinity
Not that being self-aware is bad. But the general mindset I see promoted here doesn't seem very healthy.
In particular, I feel like having the mindset of "competing" suggests insecurity. Why do you need to spend your time comparing yourself to others?
With that said, I agree that a,e,g, and i are valuable. Within "masculinity" I'd emphasize assertiveness/decisiveness. The others, I would either call redundant or valuable with only some (as opposed to all) women.
But - I don't think you need to think about them by comparing yourself to others. It's more a question of whether you have them (or are working on them) or not.
You're basically pegged as a beta male provider clean up guy.
"Loyal and Dependable" - He doesn't make me excited in my loins so that's all he's got going for him.
"Good with kids" - Good companion for a single divorced mother
"You just haven't found the right person for you" - I don't know what other thing to say so I'm just going to say something to make you feel good.
The good news: 50% of your problem is simple. You need to lose weight.
The bad news: Losing weight is hard and from a 35 BMI it will take up all of your time, money and energy. You'll have to be 100% dedicated to it for the next 2 years.
Having said that, if you put in 1 year into dating vs 1 year into losing weight, the weight loss will grant you exponentially more results than getting good at talking to Women. In a loose comparison, for every 10 pounds you lose that's 100 less words you'll need to say and $100 less you'll have to spend to be successful.
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