First Date Frustration (young, sex, romantic, casual)
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So tough when these guys just drop off and don't even get to know you. It's so hurtful. Like why aren't I worth time and love?
I know. If it makes you feel any better - it happens to everyone. Don't forget, a lot of these people who are online are not actually single, or just became single but are not ready to date yet, are scared to meet anyone, don't want to get out of their comfort zone, are i diots, are scammers, liars, drug addicts, losers, broke, fake, married, freaks, idiots, insecure, or just total aholes. None of this has anything to do with you.
I have long since given up trying to figure out Other People's motivations, and I could be wrong, but if I could convey one thing to Mandi about this, it's that you have to give any relationship -- not just intimate or prospectively intimate ones -- space and time. Let them evolve organically and don't try to force them. No law says you have to be texting 3 times a day from the get go or it's not True Love. Imagine what dating was like before smart phones. No one reasonably expected the land line to start bringing off the hook the morning after the first date. Literally no one. You must remember you are of a generation that expects the instant dopamine hit of constant "likes" on social media and texts, and relationships just don't work like that organically. This is a phenomenon that has been superimposed on them by an invention that hit the market literally just 14 or so years ago.
Maybe this guy was Not Mr. Right anyway, but it is possible in some alternative universe that if you hadn't been so desperate for reassurance of this guy's interest, that it would have gradually built up over several weeks. It is possible that at least part of the reason for his hesitancy and eventual ghosting was that you seemed clingy / needy. Most guys tend to shy from this instinctively.
I say this because the initial post was pretty desperate ... why hasn't he responded ... he loves me ... he loves me not. Whether that was significantly in play this particular time or not, I'd work on that if I were you. It's not a good look and doesn't attract the best guys. I know you said that to US, not HIM, but these things telegraph and leak around the edges pretty readily. Trust me, he saw it in your eyes, in the rush to physical intimacy, in the tone of your subsequent calls.
It's hard. A few guys on there were looking for very serious relationships, but I didn't like how intense they were. They would text me in the afternoon, to make plans within a couple hours.
I hate last minute plans, I like planning ahead of time. I turned them down saying that I'd like to know ahead of time. I had two guys do it again. I again let them know I was too busy and needed to plan a day or two ahead. One guy didn't text me for a few days, then randomly One afternoon was like "so you free today still."
Like no, I'm not free. I hate last minute plans asI had said. Another messaged me on a Sunday, it was late in the afternoon, suggesting we make plans that night at 9. I work Monday. 9 on a Sunday is too late.
It's hard. A few guys on there were looking for very serious relationships, but I didn't like how intense they were. They would text me in the afternoon, to make plans within a couple hours.
I hate last minute plans, I like planning ahead of time. I turned them down saying that I'd like to know ahead of time. I had two guys do it again. I again let them know I was too busy and needed to plan a day or two ahead. One guy didn't text me for a few days, then randomly One afternoon was like "so you free today still."
Like no, I'm not free. I hate last minute plans asI had said. Another messaged me on a Sunday, it was late in the afternoon, suggesting we make plans that night at 9. I work Monday. 9 on a Sunday is too late.
Yes it was probably a little sexist of me not to mention it cuts both ways. It's easy to see in others, harder to see in ourselves. Just consider trying the shoe on to see if it fits. I was just going by that first post. If you have to will a guy to be sufficiently into you, he probably isn't. And it's okay. On to the next. Picking a life partner is one of those things in life that is worth being meticulous and thorough about. Time is your friend.
It's hard. A few guys on there were looking for very serious relationships, but I didn't like how intense they were. They would text me in the afternoon, to make plans within a couple hours.
I hate last minute plans, I like planning ahead of time. I turned them down saying that I'd like to know ahead of time. I had two guys do it again. I again let them know I was too busy and needed to plan a day or two ahead. One guy didn't text me for a few days, then randomly One afternoon was like "so you free today still."
Like no, I'm not free. I hate last minute plans asI had said. Another messaged me on a Sunday, it was late in the afternoon, suggesting we make plans that night at 9. I work Monday. 9 on a Sunday is too late.
You do know that when you eventually get into a relationship that you won't be able to control all the aspects? You might try to, but if you do it will be a very short relationship. Maybe you could try and be a little more spontaneous about your dating schedule? One of those guys looking for "very serious relationships" could have been perfect for you, but you'll never know now.
Everybody's using this phrase, "evolve organically". In other words, for Mandi's sake, I think it's true to say it's NOT evolving organically here, and call it a day. I didn't have to wait for one guy to call me. He called me the very next day after the date and he called me EVERY DAY just about (except when he was sick in bed). Another guy I dated was calling me every day too.
Mandi, don't give this guy a pass and say, "Oh, it's gotta evolve organically." Screw that. Most men who want a woman will go after her right away. So how many DAYS or WEEKS has it been now, that this guy hasn't called or texted?
Just move on. Block him and move on. He's not hot over you, screw it.
If me and a man met in a certain setting, such as work or at the gym, I would expect the relationship not to take off immediately. I would expect some "evolving organically" to take place. But if I meet someone online, they already have your background and picture, and if you go on a date, he should already pretty much know whether he wants to date you again or not. If he's on the fence, that shouldn't be good enough for you. At least it wouldn't be good enough for me.
You do know that when you eventually get into a relationship that you won't be able to control all the aspects? You might try to, but if you do it will be a very short relationship. Maybe you could try and be a little more spontaneous about your dating schedule? One of those guys looking for "very serious relationships" could have been perfect for you, but you'll never know now.
What we are observing are the subtle ways as to why certain people remain single longer. I remember talking with an older guy in his 40s and 50s about being single when I was. He told me about the time it takes. Their lives are more complicated and in 1 month, one might squeeze in 2 dates. Its not like in college where one can casually spend 30 hours with someone in a week,
There is small irony here. She does not like last minute plans because its intrusive , but she , and others, have rationalized the need for some guy to text in 2 days. If a relationship meant I had to text everyday, I would not be in it. Its only purpose to me is to make arrangements.
I do look back and see that I was overly excited and too needy with the first guy. I was so excited I went out with someone and it went okay and just got too excited about doing it again. I think I came off that way too. I did see that and I did not do that with the second guy at all. I think I've been pretty casual and chill with you second one. But he seems to not seem all that into talking making another date. It is what it is. I am learning this process all over again
About the relationship driven ones who liked to make last minute plans. I just can't fathom hearing from you at 2pm, for plans that evening. My day is pretty set at that point and I'm trying to work. I just get frustrated when guys spring that on me. I rarely ever will accept the plan. I don't like a guy to then think that she's just available last minute all the time and they end up using you as a doormat. That happened to me a lot in college and I hated it.
I do look back and see that I was overly excited and too needy with the first guy. I was so excited I went out with someone and it went okay and just got too excited about doing it again. I think I came off that way too. I did see that and I did not do that with the second guy at all. I think I've been pretty casual and chill with you second one. But he seems to not seem all that into talking making another date. It is what it is. I am learning this process all over again
About the relationship driven ones who liked to make last minute plans. I just can't fathom hearing from you at 2pm, for plans that evening. My day is pretty set at that point and I'm trying to work. I just get frustrated when guys spring that on me. I rarely ever will accept the plan. I don't like a guy to then think that she's just available last minute all the time and they end up using you as a doormat. That happened to me a lot in college and I hated it.
Are they springing a last minute plan on you on the weekend though? Just how set is your Saturday and Sunday in terms of "work"? I mean, if a guy who seemed relationship oriented texted or called and said "Hey, are you up for a drive in the country or a quick bite out?" and you weren't locked into anything, would you still say no? There's something to be said for being a bit spontaneous that doesn't mean you're a doormat. You're not in college anymore. If you want to go have fun at the last minute, you can without compromising your integrity. Just don't let it become a pattern. You're in charge, but you don't have to lock yourself into behavior routines dominated by your past.
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