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I do look back and see that I was overly excited and too needy with the first guy. I was so excited I went out with someone and it went okay and just got too excited about doing it again. I think I came off that way too. I did see that and I did not do that with the second guy at all. I think I've been pretty casual and chill with you second one. But he seems to not seem all that into talking making another date. It is what it is. I am learning this process all over again
About the relationship driven ones who liked to make last minute plans. I just can't fathom hearing from you at 2pm, for plans that evening. My day is pretty set at that point and I'm trying to work. I just get frustrated when guys spring that on me. I rarely ever will accept the plan. I don't like a guy to then think that she's just available last minute all the time and they end up using you as a doormat. That happened to me a lot in college and I hated it.
You know, I don't blame you for feeling that way about the latter. Last minute stuff can be fun, but with the caveat that there needs to be a definite invite to do something connected with the inviter--not just a "whazzup. Wanna hang?" The latter is pure laziness on a guy's part and tells me if that's the way a man treats a potential partner (or at least a potential friend), things are likely to only go downhill from there with him. That's a guy who deserves to be "next-ed."
For example, someone shooting me a text or email saying, "You still free on X day?" gets a hard pass as it reads like someone was going through their mental Rolodex to find someone to hang out with (and usually, this reads as a booty call to me, too).
On the other hand, if someone reaches out to me and says something along the lines, of "hey--I don't know if you're free on X day at X time and I know that it's kind of last minute, but I was thinking of you and wondered if you'd be interested in meeting up for a drink or coffee/going to a show or movie or bowling/catch dinner or lunch or just dessert," there's a good chance that I'll be game to adjust my schedule to make time to spend with that person.
Would the "last minute invite with actual plans" work for you, Mandi? (IMO, "hanging out" is *not* a plan--especially in the earliest stages of dating. Even when I was in college, guys would make real dates rather than this hanging out nonsense that seems to have become the norm. As a somewhat young adult, you should expect better than just "hanging out," too.)
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 02-01-2022 at 10:50 AM..
Are they springing a last minute plan on you on the weekend though? Just how set is your Saturday and Sunday in terms of "work"? I mean, if a guy who seemed relationship oriented texted or called and said "Hey, are you up for a drive in the country or a quick bite out?" and you weren't locked into anything, would you still say no? There's something to be said for being a bit spontaneous that doesn't mean you're a doormat. You're not in college anymore. If you want to go have fun at the last minute, you can without compromising your integrity. Just don't let it become a pattern. You're in charge, but you don't have to lock yourself into behavior routines dominated by your past.
One guy did it on a Thursday. We spoke about hanging out Thursday or Friday, earlier in the week, like Monday. Then he dropped off. No plan made, he was MIA. Then I get a message Thursday afternoon "are you still free today?"
I said that no, since I hadn't heard from him, I made other plans. And I was not free.
The other guy texted me on a Sunday around 2. Asking to hangout at 8pm. I didn't like the last minute and said so. 8 to me was a bit late for Sunday night. I work early the next morning.
You know, I don't blame you for feeling that way about the latter. Last minute stuff can be fun, but with the caveat that there needs to be a definite invite to do something connected with the inviter--not just a "whazzup. Wanna hang?" The latter is pure laziness on a guy's part and tells me if that's the way a man treats a potential partner (or at least a potential friend), things are likely to only go downhill from there with him. That's a guy who deserves to be "next-ed."
For example, someone shooting me a text or email saying, "You still free on X day?" gets a hard pass as it reads like someone was going through their mental Rolodex to find someone to hang out with (and usually, this reads as a booty call to me, too).
On the other hand, if someone reaches out to me and says something along the lines, of "hey--I don't know if you're free on X day at X time and I know that it's kind of last minute, but I was thinking of you and wondered if you'd be interested in meeting up for a drink or coffee/going to a show or movie or bowling/catch dinner or lunch or just dessert," there's a good chance that I'll be game to adjust my schedule to make time to spend with that person.
Would the "last minute invite with actual plans" work for you, Mandi?
Yes, the second scenario would be okay for me. I keep getting the first.
It seems to me if a guy doesn't show any interest but is quite willing to fondle and kiss and then doesn't show any interest but sets up the next date, he is only in the market for sex and isn't interested at all in any sort of relationship.
Not saying to not give him another chance, but be aware that just because he says he wants a relationship that doesn't mean he is looking for a relationship. He's most likely going to turn out to be a user. Have your radar turned on and fully tuned in.
Yes, the second scenario would be okay for me. I keep getting the first.
That's what I suspected, i.e., you'd be game under "actual plans that also show that he was thinking of me as a person" circumstances.
The first, lazy type deserves to be crossed off your mental list as that's not the sort of man that you're seeking to date or even become friends with if the romantic part is a no-go. No need to waste your time with them.
........ Why kiss me if you didn't like me?..........
You can't be serious about this. Some men will have sex with a fence post, or a sheep, or a comatose old lady in a nursing home. There was a bit on the news about the fire brigade having to rescue a guy who got his penis caught in a toaster.
Read this and understand it: Just because a man will have sex with you does not mean he likes you.
Now read it again and understand that is it 100% true. Just because a man will have sex with you does not mean he likes you.
Since you are religious, OP, go to church and then try some different churches, or at least a few different parishes. The congregation at each church is going to be different, so check out several different ones.
Also this: I hear young guys sometimes telling each other to not make contact for four days after a date so that they don't appear too eager. Myself, I feel that is dumb, but if the guys are telling each other that, don't be surprised if you don't hear from your date for four days.
You can't be serious about this. Some men will have sex with a fence post, or a sheep, or a comatose old lady in a nursing home. There was a bit on the news about the fire brigade having to rescue a guy who got his penis caught in a toaster.
Read this and understand it: Just because a man will have sex with you does not mean he likes you.
Now read it again and understand that is it 100% true. Just because a man will have sex with you does not mean he likes you.
Since you are religious, OP, go to church and then try some different churches, or at least a few different parishes. The congregation at each church is going to be different, so check out several different ones.
Also this: I hear young guys sometimes telling each other to not make contact for four days after a date so that they don't appear too eager. Myself, I feel that is dumb, but if the guys are telling each other that, don't be surprised if you don't hear from your date for four days.
I can't rep you again right now, but all of this is SO true. However, on the flip side, women can also play the game of not being available for a date immediately after the first one for fear of looking too eager, so some of that goes both ways.
You can't be serious about this. Some men will have sex with a fence post, or a sheep, or a comatose old lady in a nursing home. There was a bit on the news about the fire brigade having to rescue a guy who got his penis caught in a toaster.
Read this and understand it: Just because a man will have sex with you does not mean he likes you.
Now read it again and understand that is it 100% true. Just because a man will have sex with you does not mean he likes you.
Since you are religious, OP, go to church and then try some different churches, or at least a few different parishes. The congregation at each church is going to be different, so check out several different ones.
Also this: I hear young guys sometimes telling each other to not make contact for four days after a date so that they don't appear too eager. Myself, I feel that is dumb, but if the guys are telling each other that, don't be surprised if you don't hear from your date for four days.
This has a lot of truth to it.
Mandi, I think where you go off track on so many things is that you read too much into them. Just take events as they are and stop analyzing. You will never know another person's motivations until you know them very well, which means you can't know a stranger's motivations on a first date. Stop trying to control everything. Stop trying to have all the answers. Just enjoy the journey.
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