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Who has the time and also anything interesting to say to anyone in multiple calls per day, or to see someone every single day who you don’t live with. IMO, that sounds like shackles and co-dependency, not love/honeymoon stage.
Remember how you used to form relationships in your youth? well I feel just because I'm middle aged does not mean my ability to feel passion and love should lessen.
In my relationship we spend about 50% of our time together. We live 40 miles from each other and did when we met, and at that time we both had kids in school and that made separate places necessary. They really haven't been for almost a decade, but our relationship evolved with each of us having significant "me" time, and we'd both miss that I think.
We're a good match on most things and for my part I could live with my partner full time, and I think she could live with me. Our deal is working though and so neither of us is motivated to change it. I think she's being genuine when she says we sort of have the best of both worlds. Typical domesticity with regular breaks to recharge.
Who has the time and also anything interesting to say to anyone in multiple calls per day, or to see someone every single day who you don’t live with. IMO, that sounds like shackles and co-dependency, not love/honeymoon stage.
I agree. It also sounds controlling and mistrustful, like one has to know where their partner is and what their partner is doing at all times. It is also self-centric and narcissistic in its implied demand to always be forefront at the other person's mind: People have jobs, friends, pets, family, chores, hobbies, school, etc. In short, people have lives, and a relationship is part of a life, not a substitute for one.
I am wondering how people do it? I've never been able to stay once the honeymoon fades. I suppose that makes me immature and commitment adverse, and yeah, I own it. I am full of personality flaws and shortcomings so no need to tell me what I already know! (Though I am sure some posters will not resist doing that anyway.)
But how do you do it? When the sparkly starry eyes fade and you start noticing the warts, and the excitement of novelty is no longer there and its feeling predictable and routine.
my answer is going to be rather blunt and you already know the problem you described it in your OP.
The way you stay with somebody is you grow up and understand life isn't about excitement all the time.
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Do some people stay in that starry eyed honeymoon phase forever?
In your current marriage or relationship do you consider yourself still honeymooning?
Generally no. Got starry eyed honeymoon phase is called novelty. And in everything novelty wears off. Even if you were to have a new lover every couple of months the novelty of that will wear off.
Love changes it evolves into you grow. You give up those excitement starry eyed times for dependability and companionship those are really a more valuable thing and a person.
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If not how did you deal with the fading of the honeymoon without wanting to end the relationship and start over with someone new?
Because never reaching those new phases in relationships means you never get the benefit of them. And in general you're mostly alone.
Well I ended things with him because I realized he's just not that into me.
I was starting to want more and feeling unfulfilled. That said, who knows, if we had started spending more time together maybe I would have started noticing more flaws and gotten turned off. Its easy to keep the romance and passion alive when things are at a distance. From a distance its easy to keep the delusions and fantasies alive and not have to deal with the reality of having a real relationship with a real person, which is not always easy to do.
But regardless, he's just not that into me. I am not even sure if I am that into him because he hasn't let me get close enough to really find out.
That said I agree with everyone! A healthy mature relationship requires sticking it out even after the initial passion wanes.
Its something I have yet to experience. I suppose its a more cuddly cozy type of relationship. Maybe I will someday, or maybe just exist on a diet of short term highly sexual relationships. I don't sneeze at that though my reputation suffers a bit since its not what nice women do.
Question is do I really have to care about my reputation that much to completely alter my lifestyle choices?
Well I ended things with him because I realized he's just not that into me.
I was starting to want more and feeling unfulfilled. That said, who knows, if we had started spending more time together maybe I would have started noticing more flaws and gotten turned off. Its easy to keep the romance and passion alive when things are at a distance. From a distance its easy to keep the delusions and fantasies alive and not have to deal with the reality of having a real relationship with a real person, which is not always easy to do.
But regardless, he's just not that into me. I am not even sure if I am that into him because he hasn't let me get close enough to really find out.
That said I agree with everyone! A healthy mature relationship requires sticking it out even after the initial passion wanes.
Its something I have yet to experience. I suppose its a more cuddly cozy type of relationship. Maybe I will someday, or maybe just exist on a diet of short term highly sexual relationships. I don't sneeze at that though my reputation suffers a bit since its not what nice women do.
Question is do I really have to care about my reputation that much to completely alter my lifestyle choices?
/shrug
You're an ADULT. Know one knows about your private life unless you advertise it...so consider what that means. The 'friends' you tell don't accept you and look down on you? You over-share on social media and then regret it? You tell your family about casual acquaintances they have no business knowing about? You've allowed your work and personal spheres to collide?
Or are you projecting and you YOURSELF aren't entirely accepting of your relationships? Or is it that you LIKE the idea of being sexy and crazy and possibly shocking everyone else with your provocative self?
Lots of possibilities - or do you have another reason(s)?
You're an ADULT. Know one knows about your private life unless you advertise it...so consider what that means. The 'friends' you tell don't accept you and look down on you? You over-share on social media and then regret it? You tell your family about casual acquaintances they have no business knowing about? You've allowed your work and personal spheres to collide?
Or are you projecting and you YOURSELF aren't entirely accepting of your relationships? Or is it that you LIKE the idea of being sexy and crazy and possibly shocking everyone else with your provocative self?
Lots of possibilities - or do you have another reason(s)?
Well the neighbors would notice. If they start seeing different guys cars parked at my house. Its a small town and hard to have much privacy.
I don't use SM so that doesn't matter. But friends and family do talk. But my sister is the same way and she doesn't care about the "scandal." Our family is very much the religious and conservative types. We are not a wild family. So my sister and I are the "black sheep" I guess.
I don't like to shock people, no. But people do get curious about their friends' and relatives love lives.
The judgment has been an ongoing concern of mine. But you know what! Its MY life and I can choose to live it however I want, right?
Well the neighbors would notice. If they start seeing different guys cars parked at my house. Its a small town and hard to have much privacy.
I don't use SM so that doesn't matter. But friends and family do talk. But my sister is the same way and she doesn't care about the "scandal." Our family is very much the religious and conservative types. We are not a wild family. So my sister and I are the "black sheep" I guess.
I don't like to shock people, no. But people do get curious about their friends' and relatives love lives.
The judgment has been an ongoing concern of mine. But you know what! Its MY life and I can choose to live it however I want, right?
You certainly can!
I do agree with reneeh63 though about giving thought to whether you've got some internalized leanings to self-judgment. About basically...what you are worried about proving, to whom, and why?
And as someone who has engaged in relatively casual sex at times... While I scoff and dismiss all the moralistic "good girl/bad girl" nonsense, there are just some practical realities that we have got to be sensible about.
Dice rolls.
Every new guy is a stranger. You don't know if he could be a hazard to your health or safety. Obviously there is the sexual health dice roll, and I always used to think, "Well, it's great that my luck held out thus far, but can it really last forever?" For me, I had two significant periods of "promiscuity" in my life. My teen years were, in retrospect, far lower risk. Most of my partners were other high school kids and had little or no prior sexual experience. My odds were better. But the year between breaking up with my ex and becoming exclusive with my (present) husband, I was of course dating adults, and just the basic math of it meant that they usually had more prior experience, higher odds of carrying and giving me an STI. Of course, we do what we can to be as safe as we can, but.... There was always that somewhere in the back of my mind, you know?
But more to the point, and that obvious reality aside, you already have experience with a stalker. And the other possible concerns that exist are all sorts of different kinds of abuse...physical, mental, emotional, financial. And every new partner...get out the dice and roll 'em. Hope you come up lucky.
I was never concerned about my reputation. I always felt like, if people don't like how I live my life, they can kick rocks. I still feel that way about a lot of things and I'm sure that I always will. But there IS a piece there that's just... Practicality, you know? I think that choosing to settle in, be monogamous again, get remarried... OK this is not WHY I did that, but I have comfort in that choice, knowing that because of dice roll reasons, it is safer for me. You know?
Look, I don't view people I talk to on the internet as abstract non-persons that I just don't care about at all. We have talked quite a bit for quite a while around here. I care enough to hope for you to be safe, so it is in that spirit that I'm like.... I support you in trying to find your way to happiness, whatever it looks like, but like, try not to die, mmkay?
When you describe a series of different men's cars visiting your home, I worry more about that, than I do what your gossipy small town neighbors might have to say about it.
I do agree with reneeh63 though about giving thought to whether you've got some internalized leanings to self-judgment. About basically...what you are worried about proving, to whom, and why?
And as someone who has engaged in relatively casual sex at times... While I scoff and dismiss all the moralistic "good girl/bad girl" nonsense, there are just some practical realities that we have got to be sensible about.
I will give it some thought. I think a big part of it is that I have internalized a bit the cultural messages we put out there about promiscuous women (and to some people that might be a woman who has had 5 partners) and the awful words and shaming done to them and about them.
I worry how guys are judging me probably more than my friends and family. Like I went 6 or 7 years without sex before the last guy, and I told him that, but he still asked me stuff about my past (they almost always do) and I tried to keep it tame but I am pretty sure he concluded I was not a nice girl and maybe that's why he didn't want to pursue me seriously.
Maybe not every guy would be so judgmental though. I'd rather not lie but if I refuse to answer, well they will probably assume the worst anyway.
Quote:
Dice rolls.
Every new guy is a stranger. You don't know if he could be a hazard to your health or safety. Obviously there is the sexual health dice roll, and I always used to think, "Well, it's great that my luck held out thus far, but can it really last forever?" For me, I had two significant periods of "promiscuity" in my life. My teen years were, in retrospect, far lower risk. Most of my partners were other high school kids and had little or no prior sexual experience. My odds were better. But the year between breaking up with my ex and becoming exclusive with my (present) husband, I was of course dating adults, and just the basic math of it meant that they usually had more prior experience, higher odds of carrying and giving me an STI. Of course, we do what we can to be as safe as we can, but.... There was always that somewhere in the back of my mind, you know?
But more to the point, and that obvious reality aside, you already have experience with a stalker. And the other possible concerns that exist are all sorts of different kinds of abuse...physical, mental, emotional, financial. And every new partner...get out the dice and roll 'em. Hope you come up lucky.
I was never concerned about my reputation. I always felt like, if people don't like how I live my life, they can kick rocks. I still feel that way about a lot of things and I'm sure that I always will. But there IS a piece there that's just... Practicality, you know? I think that choosing to settle in, be monogamous again, get remarried... OK this is not WHY I did that, but I have comfort in that choice, knowing that because of dice roll reasons, it is safer for me. You know?
Look, I don't view people I talk to on the internet as abstract non-persons that I just don't care about at all. We have talked quite a bit for quite a while around here. I care enough to hope for you to be safe, so it is in that spirit that I'm like.... I support you in trying to find your way to happiness, whatever it looks like, but like, try not to die, mmkay?
When you describe a series of different men's cars visiting your home, I worry more about that, than I do what your gossipy small town neighbors might have to say about it.
Oh gosh no! I don't mean I'm going to have random guys over all the time.
But so far my neighbors have seen only the one guy over. If I start seeing someone else and get to where I trust him enough to have him over, they will start seeing a new car. That in itself might look "loose." I don't see any of my other neighbors doing that, even the other young single woman that lives across the street.
I agree safety is definitely a concern. I used to be really laissez about it in the past. I would have guys over all the time, when I lived in a different place, years ago. I wasn't having sex with them! Just having them over to hang out. But that was a risk and I am just lucky nothing bad ever came of it. I am much more cautious these days.
But thank you for your concern! Definitely! I have learned my lessons!
I will think about the reputation stuff. Its sucks women are so harshly judged for serial monogamy. I have a feeling its just the way I will always do things because if I haven't broken out of by now, I probably never will. I just fit that lifestyle better over lifetime monogamy. I don't like to be locked into things.
A lot to think about!
This has been a very helpful thread to me!
Thank you very much to everyone for the insightful posts!
Remember how you used to form relationships in your youth? well I feel just because I'm middle aged does not mean my ability to feel passion and love should lessen.
Yep, and they were all unstable roller coaster rides.
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