Transitioning from honeymoon phase to the less enchanted phase (mature, emotionally, conversations)
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A libertine boyfriend of mine a LONG time ago opined, "You never really know a woman until you've slept with her." I beg to differ, and remember a quote I saw about marriage and monogamy, "I'd rather be 100 men to one woman than the same man with 100 women."
One's number of partners doesn't necessarily have anything to do with one's skill in bed. Someone who has been with just a couple of people, but for many years each, has probably had to get inventive and creative to keep things interesting. On the other hand, someone with a lot of partners may have never learned how to read another person's responses. I once worked with a man who slept with quite a few women where I worked. I asked one of them what the fascination with him was, and she said she didn't know, either, because all he did was lay there expecting to be serviced and she was so turned off by it that she said she wasn't feeling well and left. Skill in bed comes from being observant and aware of the other person and how they are reacting to what you're doing.
I don't see where it is anyone's business how many people you've had sex with. The older you get, the less the number of relationships matters, too, in general. (Note how I separate the two.) It's almost like a traditional resume, where what you did 10 years ago isn't all that relevant, but if you have relationship-hopped in recent years, it may look like you don't know what you want, you leave at the first challenge, or you get fired a lot.
For me, sexual boredom sets in when there is no mystery left to the man and/or the entire relationship gets stuck in a rut. This is why boundaries, even in a long marriage, are so important. There is something to the saying that familiarity breeds contempt. That tends to happen when two people do not grow individually or they try to stifle one another's growth. You have probably heard people express feelings of being threatened when their partner develops new interests, tries new ways of doing things (including sex), or simply decides to get a makeover. I never understand that, myself. I love men who are adventuresome, creative, and interested in new things and personal growth. I may not always like something he tries, like I absolutely hated it when one clean-shaven partner got on the beard bandwagon, but the good thing was that because he liked changing things up, that only lasted for a few months. He was always trying new things and they usually worked out, but he also had a sense of humor when they didn't, like the time he went from blond to red. He knew as soon as he dried his hair that it was a mistake. He called me into the bathroom, held up the clipper, and said, "You want to do it, or should I?"
I completely agree with you. I also shook my head when in an earlier post, Moongirl said that inexperienced men are hesitant and need lots of coaching and don't know what to do...really? I mean, where do you find a man who has lived under a rock and has no idea how sex even works? Some guys I have been with who lacked practical, hands on experience, were at least well schooled in the THEORY of it!
What has made a partner good or bad in bed, in my opinion....
1. Sense of humor. Sometimes sex is awkward. Sex is supposed to be fun. I love a man who can laugh, and what is so much more common is the super serious "game face" thing... I prefer more expressive bedpartners. Too many men are also silent in bed, even if they will tell me that they don't want a woman who is...what's up with that? I mean, they want to know it feels good to me, it should come as no real surprise that I would enjoy knowing how good they are feeling, too?
2. Creativity. I have had a few who had moves, tricks, things they did that were frankly unique. They had the imagination to think of trying them in the first place, and not all guys do.
3. Attentiveness and a desire to please their partner. Obviously if a guy only cares about getting his, and the lady's enjoyment happens incidentally or not at all, then that won't be fantastic. And the better he is at reading cues, knowing when he's doing something just right, and knowing he should keep doing just that for a bit longer... Well. That's the good stuff, yeah?
4. Knowledge. I've known highly experienced men who never bothered to actually learn the anatomy, beyond "this is how babies are made." If that. There's a lot more to the lady business than "in." That's all I'll say about that.
5. (For me) The "Game" in good, giving, game...down to try something new. Willing to engage in a bit of adventure. Open minded.
And I have had a few partners who bragged about the extent of their experience, who were seriously disappointing in the act, and all I could think was, "I kinda hope that you're lying about your numbers, because if you're not, then you have surely let down a whole lot of women. No wonder you're still single. Clearly none of them wanted to buy, after the test drive."
I actually presume that this sort of thing can apply to women as lovers, as well. I have always heard more men say that "even bad sex is good" (as long as they find the woman attractive enough, I guess)...but I've certainly met men who disagreed. I think that a man is just as entitled to hope for an enjoyable experience. Whatever that may mean for him.
The inexperienced guys (not virgin just not a lot of experience) I was with were like almost afraid to touch me and thought they were going to break me or something. I had to take charge of the situation and they were kind of passive.
The guys with experience knew I wasn't going to break and they just took charge, were more dominant, had more stamina, knew more positions, were very comfortable, things flowed more with fewer awkward moments.
That said those guys often had the more jerky personalities, more narcissism, but I did appreciate how they would dominate and have confidence. These guys were usually hotter too, that's why they were able to get so much sex I guess, more in shape, so that was probably part of it.
We just have different personal experiences with it. If I love a guy I'd be happy with him even if he's a virgin though. A jerk that is good in bed but has few deeper qualities going for him is not going to be a good choice as a long term partner.
But I do see the point that if you are with one person for awhile you will have to learn some new tricks because you don't have the high of novelty to fall back on. With the experienced confident guys all I had to do was show up. They ran the show.
But say a longer relationship where you learn more subtle things about each other's responses and learn how to spice it up when the novelty wears off, that would be different.
I have realized I'm going to have to start looking for a different type of man if I want something long term now.
I had a date yesterday with someone new and he's a great example. He said he is looking for a serious relationship, he's not into playing the field and wants a cozy calm domestic situation. Divorced with no kids. Perfect!
He is the same age as the last guy but already I can see he's more mature and at a different place. The last guy is very much still wanting to sow his oats. I knew this all along but had some tiny hope he would change his mind.
So the new guy and I had a nice date, he brought me a rose, was a perfect gentleman, told me his intentions, there were no obvious deal breakers or red flags. Nothing but green flags! If I am ready now to build something long term and stable with someone, this is the kind of guy to look for.
So there I learned something. I am excited to see where things go with him.
I had a date yesterday with someone new and he's a great example. He said he is looking for a serious relationship, he's not into playing the field and wants a cozy calm domestic situation. Divorced with no kids. Perfect!
He is the same age as the last guy but already I can see he's more mature and at a different place. The last guy is very much still wanting to sow his oats. I knew this all along but had some tiny hope he would change his mind.
So the new guy and I had a nice date, he brought me a rose, was a perfect gentleman, told me his intentions, there were no obvious deal breakers or red flags. Nothing but green flags! If I am ready now to build something long term and stable with someone, this is the kind of guy to look for.
So there I learned something. I am excited to see where things go with him.
A libertine boyfriend of mine a LONG time ago opined, "You never really know a woman until you've slept with her." I beg to differ, and remember a quote I saw about marriage and monogamy, "I'd rather be 100 men to one woman than the same man with 100 women."
It was an opinion piece on monogamy years ago in Newsweek. A long time ago, and I always remember the wisdom in that statement.
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boy after all.
