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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 5 days ago)
35,620 posts, read 17,948,343 times
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OP - you have described having the attitude of "being able to take or leave a relationship". No one wants that kind of attitude in a partner, or even in a friend. That kind of indifference is extremely off-putting.
And secondly, don't choose a partner that doesn't share your interests and beliefs. If you have nothing in common, and you have to take on a whole other set of hobbies/recreational outlets, he's not for you. Find someone you can do stuff with, together, that you both enjoy.
When I was in my 20's and 30's I wanted a relationship. I simply wanted a balanced relationship. So I didn't start out "being able or wanting to take or leave a relationship." As for the present, I'm no longer in search of a partner. I'm not saying it will never happen. I've known people who found someone in their late 70's and became extremely happy.
Fortunately my husband preferred independent, capable women. I can't say that anyone I was ever involved with had a problem with it. It could be that I just never let the other sort in the door.
I have a friend that was forever getting involved with men that couldn't stand her being self confident and independent. I could never understand why she went for that type. She would try to be what they wanted, but she couldn't stay in the box . But it was more about her choices than men in general. We cannot stereotype all men. They are no more all the same than women are. They do not all want exactly the same thing in a woman anymore than we want in a man. Or in platonic friends.
True that. I think a lot of it also has to do with having a certain "type." Many years ago I was excoriated in the most vicious way on a message board when I dared to suggest that people have a type they prefer. I definitely have a type. It's not that I rejected those who didn't completely fit that type, but yes I did have a type. What I found was that most of the men who were attracted to me were not my type. I was theirs though! Frustrating.
I also think that some people are "meant" to be single if that's the correct word. There is no rhyme or reason why, no way to explain it. There are people who will remain single through no fault of their own, even if they really want a relationship. I see it all the time on this site. I think a fair amount of them will likely remain single but I can't say exactly which ones.
Yes there are guys looking for independent women, but dating is just more difficult the older you get and so it may not seem like that is true while you are going through the dating process.
When you were younger say high school and college. Most people in your relavant dating pool were single, had never been married and didn't have any kids. Most people were also in the same rough general station in life. Because everyeone was young, most people generally looked pretty good. Yes some people smoke and drank but often it had not yet turned into a problem. You also didn't have a clear idea of what did and did not make a good dating partner so there was just a lot larger share of the male dating pool that you were probably willing to consider as a boyfriend.
As you get older dting gets more complicated becaues first a pretty big share of the population in your 40's is either married or in some long term relationship. There is also an adverse selection process where the guys who have the most problems tend to keep getting thrown back into the dating pool. There is also just a lot more people with problems. In your 40's there are just a fair number of men with some sort of mental health, substance abuse problem. There is also a much larger variance in life outcomes. When I was single there were women who were running ultra marathons 50, 100 miles because a regular marathon wasn't enough of a challenge and there were women who after having kids and maybe starting menopause who were 50 or 100 pounds overweight too. Careerwise/financially there was this huge spread too, there were women who had Porsches and Landrovers and multiple homes and there were women working as greeters at Walmart. But within these groups there was large variances too, some of the women with the Porsches were running marathons and some were 100 lbs overweight and depending on where you are in that matrix, that can make it harder to find someone roughly in the same station in life as you are.
I will also so your dating criteria are probably a lot more exacting as you get older than when you were younger. When I was 19, I had no idea what a narcissist was nor why they might be a bad dating choice, as I got older, there were a lot more women where I knew real quick into the dating process that they were not the right person for me. Your ability to put up with bs has dropped and that also increases search costs.
So what I am getting at is that it is easy to confuse the added search costs of finding what you are looking for for the fact that there are no guys looking for independent women. I definitely was looking for someone who was smart and capable and competent when I was single, but dating as you get older just has a lot more search costs no matter who you are. There is also somewhat of a learning curve involved in dating. You may have to try a couple of different activities to find the right types of guys you are looking to meet, but that doesn't mean you should give up and say that it is futile either.
If you read up on the research on positive psychology, some of the happiest people are people embedded in healthy productive long term relationships. You definitely can find that. I did.
If you think about it Pathrunner, you aren't competing against all other women for all other men, you are competing against a small number of women for the small number of men that you are actually interested in, and so the question is to figure out what specific activities are going to self select for the types of guys you are actually interested in.
Now one other thing that I will add is that as we get older voting shifts rightward for everyone but single women. To the extent that you are looking for a guy who also may lean left, you may need to select activities and locations that are also going to select for those types of guys. So here I would say, maybe volunteer on a political campaign, or look for activities in the more urban areas of your region.
Absolutely right on. Thanks for writing what I was finding difficult to say. Especially this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by shelato
As you get older dating gets more complicated because first a pretty big share of the population in your 40's is either married or in some long term relationship. There is also an adverse selection process where the guys who have the most problems tend to keep getting thrown back into the dating pool. There is also just a lot more people with problems. In your 40's there are just a fair number of men with some sort of mental health, substance abuse problem. There is also a much larger variance in life outcomes.
What I have found is that some men think that even with all their problems they deserve to be in a relationship and do nothing to improve their attitude or their situation so that a healthy relationship is even possible.
This is a sensitive subject because it seems like I'm pointing fingers and opening myself to lash back but I've found over the years that a lot of women agree with this. And to be fair, there are a lot of women with huge issues too.
One of the key factors I look for is I want a woman that I can relate to, see as my equal, respect, can carry her own weight etc.
That's exactly what I mean. Men want women to carry their own weight. This has been going on for decades. But for Boomers, we were raised on the cusp, the transition from another way of viewing and approaching relationships and marriage.
As a woman gets older, she might perhaps be able to carry her own weight but often also needs someone to pick up the slack. Someone she cares about and gives a lot of herself to in other meaningful ways. Same goes for a man. He might need that extra income and that extra something that he cannot provide for himself (skills, etc.) Many seniors get into a domestic relationship not just for money but for the overall picture.
That's exactly what I mean. Men want women to carry their own weight. This has been going on for decades.
As I stated on another thread I am obsessive over my finances. I really don't want a dependent that will drag me down. She doesn't have to earn as much as I do but just enough to carry her expenses probably ~$30k or so.
As I stated on another thread I am obsessive over my finances. I really don't want a dependent that will drag me down. She doesn't have to earn as much as I do but just enough to carry her expenses probably ~$30k or so.
“I” “Me”
You’re not in a relationship are you?
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