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As I stated on another thread I am obsessive over my finances. I really don't want a dependent that will drag me down. She doesn't have to earn as much as I do but just enough to carry her expenses probably ~$30k or so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1200RT
“I” “Me”
You’re not in a relationship are you?
Not everyone has the same idea about marriage, but the cultural thing is to take someone on for better or worse. It kind of sounds like if your partner couldn't pull her own weight for some reason (especially a good one) you'd bail on it. Maybe stay single?! There are no guarantees in life.
Well, so far no man in this thread has said he is not attracted to "independent" women.
I'm not sure that's entirely true. I was upfront that I feel there is some dependency needed for a real relationship.
But - the definition of "independent" is incredibly important to this discussion. If the definition is - "capable" - I absolutely agree that is an important trait. If the definition is 'independent' (as in operating as one), I don't find that desirable.
A healthy relationship is a team, where both parties must work together toward common goals. On a team (sports, military, professional), many people can be working independently on a project or goal, with a similar outcome in mind. There often needs to be give and take, where the outcome is more important than the individual.
I'm afraid that many people in this thread are on the "independent/operating as one" side of the spectrum, and wondering why their relationships have strain.
Edit - for what its worth, my wife (who doesn't work outside of the home), is extremely independent, caring for not only our two boys, dogs, but personal travel plans (which are logistically heavy), our homes, social calendars, holiday events, etc (i can go on). But these are common goals, not individual ones. Capable, not "independent".
Independent is fine. The problem is the word “independent” is often used as a euphemism for “aloof and unable to commit” or “has a giant wall up that would make Trump jealous”.
And if that’s who they are, that’s their right, but most people don’t want that in a partner, assuming they’re actually looking for a long-term relationship. A fling or FWB on the other hand, that might be fine
I've heard different opinions in conversation with different men. I got the feeling that independent women are liked only by men who are inactive, lazy and indifferent. But smart, active, self-sufficient men are very alarmed by independent women. They fear the unpredictability of independent women. And as they say, they cannot feel even a minimum of their dominance in relationships and in everyday life in general.
I'm actually very domesticated except I prefer to clean and garden. In my major relationships (one marriage and a couple committed) the guy liked to cook I've always been a happy homebody when I'm not gallivanting around with the dogs traveling and living in different places.
When I was younger, I finally got away from my parents in my junior year of college. That's when I began the journey of being independent. It took a few years to really get there, but by about age 24 I moved to San Francisco, had great paying jobs and lived in a spiritual community (cheap rent, shared chores, like minded people). Guys would be interested but then they would see that I'm very independent and not co-dependent or clingy. I had a lot of interests and still do. I was immersed in those. Guys would move on. I didn't really care.
Along about age 28 I started thinking I wanted to be a mother. Yes, I did want to be married but more importantly I wanted to be a mother. I became co-dependent with an abusive, unloving husband.
Fast forward years later I was single again and I went back to my independent ways. Again, guys would get the impression I could take or leave a relationship. I just have my own interests, and every time I would get involved with a guy, I'd have to capitulate to his interests, his hobbies, his lifestyle. It never appealed to me. I've seen too many women give up their lives and become immersed in their relationship. Not a great thing.
I don't think guys really like a woman that is quite so independent. Maybe "inter"dependent but not too independent. They like women who are a bit more dependent.
I saw some advice on other threads about finding your joy, following your interests. The thing is, you can't do it too much or you won't be that good a candidate for a committed relationship unless the guy is a lot like you are and is in sync with your needs, meaning, he operates the same way you do and respects your need to maintain your interests, hobbies and lifestyle.
Since dating without a contract (marriage) is a bad deal for a woman (man can move on whenever he wants) independent women have become targets for men who spin plates. Since the goal of every man is the bedroom, a woman who does not care so much about your time or resources is a godsend. For a man of value having an independent gf means that he will have the time and opp to see other women. I would say most top shelf men want a woman who puts his leadership first.
There's always some that genuinely do, but many don't (even if they may like they do).
But for the men who don't, it's because they like being in control, ruling the roost, picking a softie or dizto airhead or whoever lady to date & marry, so they can have complete control...the narcissitic loser, weak pigs! (Wish I could say a stronger word.) They pretend to be all macho, but are really intimidated by a strong, smart, can stand-alone lady, who shows that she takes no BS from anyone who can honestly run circles around them. So many of those types of women are the single ones. Men don't know what to do w/ them.
A genuinely good, loving, supportive man wouldn't care if their lady's independent, smarter than them, makes more $ than them, etc. They'd love their lady deeply for who they are!
I've never been w/ some controlling, pitiful, abusive excuse for a guy jsut to have someone. I'll say gladly alone first! I know I'm never going to dumb myself down or be some no-backbone ninny if that's the only way to get a man. Hell NO!
As I recently said in another thread, I think ANY woman these days no matter their age SHOULD have the mentality that they wil be content in life whether they have a man or not. I can't stand these men who think women need their arses just like I can't stand it when women who think they need a man to be fulfilled, happy, feel complete, etc.
Yup! I'd sign up to come home to my wife who runs circles around me. Yep. Sounds awesome. Where do I sign up for this feminization???? And I'm SURE that woman would LOVE to be the alpha in the relationship. I'm sure she would be happy in public with her peers with her stumbling bumbling not up to par man. Sheesh.
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