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What does the bolded mean to you? Mikala's husband is the husband.
Yep. DH is a very strong man, with a lot of competencies. My strengths in no way make him feel less of a man or husband. But he does have a very strong personality, so he likes a spouse that is the same.
To each their own.
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Absolutely. My wife has brains, guts, a fantastic sense of humor, and an amazing set of talents. She kicks total and complete ass as a CFO of a good-sized company in a male-dominated profession. She is my equal in a host of ways--and better than me in many more. It absolutely astonishes me every day of my life that she chose me. Together, we have built a life and raised three awesome kids. The fact that she's hotter than flowing lava is gravy.
I had an awesome assistant for years. Lovely, smart, and a joy to work with. But I always got the sense that she wasn't living the life she wanted. We became very good friends over time. While I never, ever pried into her marriage, we would occasionally on road trips talk about our respective lives.
One time she asked me out of the blue, "So in your household, who handles the money?" To that I joke, "Well, my wife has a degree in finance, her CPA, and she runs the finances for a large real estate REIT. Meanwhile, I have an English degree and think that, if you have a cash register, I should give you money. Why?"
She simply says, "My husband does all that because he thinks being a Christian means being in a husband-led marriage." To that I reply, "Well, we're Episcopalian. I think we qualify as Christian and, no, we wouldn't agree with that at all." And then I touched briefly upon how we discuss major decisions. "Yeah, doesn't work that way in our house." Then we moved off the subject.
She passed away several years ago, but I often think of that conversation. If you marry a woman, if you love a woman, then you marry her hopes and aspirations, just the way she has married yours. Not allowing her to grow, to be her own person, is tantamount to putting her in a cage. And that's not love at all.
While I have a host of reasons to dislike my father-in-law, who is just a prick, the Numero Uno reason is this: He thinks women shouldn't work outside the home. Literally every time we go visit, he talks about how--in his day--women were fired from his company when they got married, as if that's the way it should be. If one of his three sons farts in middle C at the dinner table, he's ready to ladle on the praise. But his daughter who outstripped all of them in terms of accomplishments? Not a freaking word.
If you're a guy, let me tell you. There is nothing better than being married to a woman who is confident in her opinions and her intellect. It doesn't mean you're henpecked or giving up a damned bit of who you are. It means that you have an equal partner in a marriage who brings her own gifts and qualities that make the marriage even better. If you're so insecure that you can't handle that, then maybe you shouldn't be married at all.
So, OP, this long-winded answer is my way of saying to keep looking and don't give up hope. If you are the person you say you are, then there's a guy who will be confident enough to be with you.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 11-06-2022 at 06:11 AM..
There's independent and then there's detached or emotionally unavailable.
Nothing wrong with any of them but the last two will rarely lead to relationships, not just romantic but friendships as well.
Generally a person who can make and keep longtime friends has the skill set to do the same romantically.
People can have their own interests but an emotional connection is necessary for something more to happen.
Staying single is perfectly fine, bachelorhood and spinsterhood were perfectly respectable choices until the sex-crazed 20th C. made people feel like oddities if they didn't couple up by thirty.
Most people, men and women, want to be in a relationship with someone who's emotionally engaged, loving, kind and doesn't treat them like they're an annoyance to be around.
A disinterested and uninvolved family of origin is a LOT better than the overbearing types! Don't knock "disinterested and uninvolved" in-laws! A lot of people might agree that that's the type of parents-in-law to have.
And who cares what nationality the ex is? Potential suitors aren't trying to date the ex. Unless he's the jealous type who would deliberately cause problems, who he is, is irrelevant.
These aren't obstacles, OP. It's just hard to find a good match in general. There are plenty of women who aren't single moms at 40 and who aren't struggling, who men aren't interested in either.
Back when I was newly single middle-eastern people were seen differently than they are today. it was 35 years ago. The look on faces when I would mention that said it all.
I agree it's hard to find a good match in general.
There's independent and then there's detached or emotionally unavailable.
Nothing wrong with any of them but the last two will rarely lead to relationships, not just romantic but friendships as well.
Generally a person who can make and keep longtime friends has the skill set to do the same romantically.
People can have their own interests but an emotional connection is necessary for something more to happen.
Staying single is perfectly fine, bachelorhood and spinsterhood were perfectly respectable choices until the sex-crazed 20th C. made people feel like oddities if they didn't couple up by thirty.
Most people, men and women, want to be in a relationship with someone who's emotionally engaged, loving, kind and doesn't treat them like they're an annoyance to be around.
It's basic human nature, not really a mystery.
Right. I've never been detached or emotionally unavailable. Just as interested in my own life as I am in the other person's life. That's only natural. Obviously as time goes on people blend their lives. There were ways that worked even with my ex (for example, getting a ton of work done on Saturday mornings so that the rest of the weekend is spent enjoying the children).
One would think it wouldn't be that difficult to find some like the bolded text above, but it is. Most people have baggage, and it's up to them to do something about that. It's not for the other person to take on someone else's problems. Most of the men I met or dated had some kind of substance abuse problem, gambling, addiction to porn, video game, etc.
I'm sure someone will come on and blame me for not finding someone! They wouldn't be the first. Women who have been there know better.
When I was much younger I used to wonder why even happily married women would state firmly that they'd never get remarried if they divorced or became a widow. They didn't want that life anymore. I can understand that, but they don't realize how difficult it can be (not is) to be single either. The grass is always greener.
I am an independent woman. Here are random thoughts/comments from a 60something:
-Saw a study couple years ago that found taking the Pill caused distortion of women's perception of which men they found desirable and compatible. Meaning some women ended up married to the wrong guy because they only found out they didn't like them after they got married, stopped taking the Pill and had kids. I couldn't take the Pill, it caused major medical problems for me so I dodged this if it is true.
-The more "requirements" a person has to finding their partner the smaller the pool of their possibilities becomes. If you are young and above average in looks you have your pick unless you have so many requirements your pool is reduced to people you do not want and do not want you.
-Yes some men do like independent women but IMO most men in our paternalist society like being #1 in the relationship, it feels natural to them because it's all around, everywhere. The men I've met who are comfortable with women being independent/equal have strong females in their own family so they feel fine with a partner like that.
-Having a common goal seems to me the biggest predictor of whether a couple will be successful together. For many it's the goal of having a family. Up until the death of Roe V. Wade women had more choice in choosing their mate, being able to try him out IOW. That is much riskier for the female now.
-Independent women (IW) are all after the same men to some extent. There are fewer of these men than other men. IW cannot expect to find these men easily and they may have some flaws, just as the IW may have some flaws.
I got married late in life. Others in my family got married at 18. We are all still married. No conclusions can be drawn.
I am an independent woman. Here are random thoughts/comments from a 60something:
-Saw a study couple years ago that found taking the Pill caused distortion of women's perception of which men they found desirable and compatible. Meaning some women ended up married to the wrong guy because they only found out they didn't like them after they got married, stopped taking the Pill and had kids. I couldn't take the Pill, it caused major medical problems for me so I dodged this if it is true.
-The more "requirements" a person has to finding their partner the smaller the pool of their possibilities becomes. If you are young and above average in looks you have your pick unless you have so many requirements your pool is reduced to people you do not want and do not want you.
-Yes some men do like independent women but IMO most men in our paternalist society like being #1 in the relationship, it feels natural to them because it's all around, everywhere. The men I've met who are comfortable with women being independent/equal have strong females in their own family so they feel fine with a partner like that.
-Having a common goal seems to me the biggest predictor of whether a couple will be successful together. For many it's the goal of having a family. Up until the death of Roe V. Wade women had more choice in choosing their mate, being able to try him out IOW. That is much riskier for the female now.
-Independent women (IW) are all after the same men to some extent. There are fewer of these men than other men. IW cannot expect to find these men easily and they may have some flaws, just as the IW may have some flaws.
I got married late in life. Others in my family got married at 18. We are all still married. No conclusions can be drawn.
To me, this is the salient point. If you asked frequent posters on this forum to draw a Venn diagram of their Must Haves linking all the circles, the intersection would contain maybe a handful of people.
I was kind of guilty of that in my early dating life. As it turns out, I was basically dating the same kind of woman over and over again. Artsy, neurotic, and just a nightmare to be in a relationship with.
Meanwhile, except for the part about being intelligent, my future wife fit absolutely none of my preconceived notions of what I saw as an ideal partner. But when we met...badabing.
Instead, boil your needs in a relationship down to its fundamentals: Trust, chemistry, and values. And trust is the absolutely non-negotiable asset.
I think you're better of single. I also think you know this and are mostly OK with it, so other than bashing men I'm not sure what the point of this thread is.
I think you're better of single. I also think you know this and are mostly OK with it, so other than bashing men I'm not sure what the point of this thread is.
I don't think she's bashing men. She just doesn't want a guy who feels the need to control her. Men who don't want an independent woman in their lives likely have balls the size of English peas.
Back when I was newly single middle-eastern people were seen differently than they are today. it was 35 years ago. The look on faces when I would mention that said it all.
Why would you even mention it though? No one I've ever dated showed the slightest interest in my ex husband.
I wonder what message you were trying to convey with that info.
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