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Hi everyone, I can't believe I'm writing this on such a public space but I just have to get this off my chest:
I'm 20 yrs old, in my 3rd year of college at an accredited university, & I am suffering from post-Valentine's Day blues...I haven't had a serious boyfriend but I have had dates, all of which have ended on a bittersweet note (most of the guys I have dated have just been "hookups" (ie-only physical if you know what I mean)...
Anyway, I think I'm a pretty nice girl...I don't drink, party, or smoke...I volunteer regularly at an abused children's shelter & am part of a co-ed service fraternity. Most of the guys I've dated have said that I'm "too innocent" and that they "don't want to corrupt me", my friends have said that I give off an innocent vibe too which boggles my mind because I don't see myself as innocent...I've only kissed one guy & we kind of fooled around but I ended it before we went "too far". I just feel like most guys just want to be w/ me for "physical" reasons only...
Long story short: are there any nice guys out there because I seriously feel like my time here at college is running short & there will be a limited pool of available bachelors left for me to choose from? I do want to get married & have a family but it seems like there aren't many guys willing to do that until much later & I'm aware that guys mature later than girls...
Can anyone give me some advice/encouragement? Thanks...
@ Fickle: My personality is pretty quiet, I am a reserved kind of girl...shy but not rude...I am also pretty soft-spoken & not a huge flirt...I guess that's part of the problem huh
Patience!!! You're only 20 years old!!! It may be that you are perceived as a high quality young woman and guys that aren't ready to get marry yet will avoid dating someone like you until later on in life. Don't try to rush into a serious romance and then marriage. Just enjoy life as a young adult and find yourself first. You also may be sending out "desperation vibes" and that is a turn off for men also. You do better to cherish and guard your independence, act as if you don't want a serious boyfriend. Let the guys do the chasing. They seem to want what they can't have or is a challenge for them. And stop with the casual hookups. Put all your energy into excelling at school.
Patience!!! You're only 20 years old!!! It may be that you are perceived as a high quality young woman and guys that aren't ready to get marry yet will avoid dating someone like you until later on in life. Don't try to rush into a serious romance and then marriage. Just enjoy life as a young adult and find yourself first. You also may be sending out "desperation vibes" and that is a turn off for men also. You do better to cherish and guard your independence, act as if you don't want a serious boyfriend. Let the guys do the chasing. They seem to want what they can't have or is a challenge for them. And stop with the casual hookups. Put all your energy into excelling at school.
What she said. You're doing far too well in life to worry about this, for your value is far beyond whomever you're with.
Personally, I don't think any woman should marry before age 27-28. So don't be in a rush and enjoy your life.
And stop with the casual hookups. Put all your energy into excelling at school.
She hasn't had any hookups, unless I read the o.p. wrong. She only got physical with one guy she dated and that didn't go all the way. This is not, IMO, a situation to admire. I admit that life is much more complex now than 200 years ago but the biology of humans has not gotten that message! Like it or not, 20 is actually very old to still be a virgin and the 20th Century model of marrying in ones twenties and starting families in ones thirties or even forties is having grave effects on our health as a society. The incidence of Autism is now 1 in 166!!! There are hundreds of group homes all across this country with adults in them that need diapers and cannot speak or help themselves and it is mainly because their mothers were over age when they were conceived. I am all for reasonable limits on behavior but lets not get too crazy and encourage ourselves to treat sexuality and romance as some kind of 'bad thing'. Way I see it, life is a meal. Just as you don't eat dinner by eating all your veggies then all your rice and then eat all the steak, I don't think it makes sense to live like some kind of monk until graduation and then go all out looking for a mate and then drop babies on them a year after getting hitched. Kids are a huge responsibility and doing it right means definitely putting 'things' on hold. I do believe many guys would handle family life better if the babies came along five years after getting together rather than nine months!! When you marry at 30 you really don't have all that much time to waste and there is pressure to rush into childrearing. We should get more of the physical stuff out of our systems when we are younger so we are ready to cut back a little when we finally settle down to family matters.
She hasn't had any hookups, unless I read the o.p. wrong. She only got physical with one guy she dated and that didn't go all the way. This is not, IMO, a situation to admire. I admit that life is much more complex now than 200 years ago but the biology of humans has not gotten that message! Like it or not, 20 is actually very old to still be a virgin and the 20th Century model of marrying in ones twenties and starting families in ones thirties or even forties is having grave effects on our health as a society. The incidence of Autism is now 1 in 166!!! There are hundreds of group homes all across this country with adults in them that need diapers and cannot speak or help themselves and it is mainly because their mothers were over age when they were conceived. I am all for reasonable limits on behavior but lets not get too crazy and encourage ourselves to treat sexuality and romance as some kind of 'bad thing'. Way I see it, life is a meal. Just as you don't eat dinner by eating all your veggies then all your rice and then eat all the steak, I don't think it makes sense to live like some kind of monk until graduation and then go all out looking for a mate and then drop babies on them a year after getting hitched. Kids are a huge responsibility and doing it right means definitely putting 'things' on hold. I do believe many guys would handle family life better if the babies came along five years after getting together rather than nine months!! When you marry at 30 you really don't have all that much time to waste and there is pressure to rush into childrearing. We should get more of the physical stuff out of our systems when we are younger so we are ready to cut back a little when we finally settle down to family matters.
H
Read again...she said, "most of the guys I have dated have just been "hookups" (ie-only physical if you know what I mean)..."
The human being is the only creature that matures sexually at age 10 or thereabouts and then spends another 10 or more sitting on it. Why are you all advising this girl to 'wait' or "finish your studies' or 'guys won't marry you if you give it up'. Is that still the point these days? Simply to 'get married'? You don't have to have an MBA to get hitched AFAIK. Women are waiting way too long these days to get to it and a lot of them are having to have expensive procedures to get pregnant because they are well into their thirties before they even start to try and are in their forties when they realize something is wrong. A lot of women are in this trap. And that doesn't even touch the issue of women (in particular) knowing nothing about sex until... ... never. They get dumped by guy after guy because after the initial attraction wears off there really isn't anything else holding him. It isn't because they are 'easy' that they don't have relationships that last, its because they lack 'skills'. Yep, its a minefield out there with STD's and game players etc. You have to use your head and stay safe. I'm not saying its easy but the days of sitting on it until Prince Charming marries you sight unseen and you both live happily ever after, never existed. Sleeping with a guy who doesn't want to marry you because you are both in school, or maybe because he doesn't even love you (yet) isn't the worst thing one could do. That isn't likely how it turned out for anyone giving out this advice yet some of us hold out the romantic hopes for others. "You do it the way I should have". I say, pick the nicest of the guys you are dating, or the hottest or whatever criteria you want to use and let him have it. I would give this advice to my own daughters. I am not being a hypocrite.
H
Crikey, this and your other post have me cringing. Here we obviously have a very intelligent young lady who's doing her own thing and not joining the herd and you're basically advocating that she just go out there and get laid for the heck of it and the experience. Crikey again and a double dose of yikes along with that - and a few yucks along the way!
Chanteuse - you have a long life ahead of you and your thoughts for the future are on the right track. Do what you're doing, concentrate on the important things ahead of you and always remember that you don't have to "go with the flow" or become a part of any "in" crowd EVER if it doesn't suit you. It's often crossed my mind that had forums such as these been around when I was your age (I'm old enough at least to be your grandmother!) I wouldn't have got into half the messes I landed in. Good luck to you. Cheers!
Location: Fort Bend County, TX/USA/Mississauga, ON/Canada
2,702 posts, read 6,031,091 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Read again...she said, "most of the guys I have dated have just been "hookups" (ie-only physical if you know what I mean)..."
I should probably clarify, I made a mistake in my original post & Leisesturm was right in that I haven't had any hookups except for one & that was the most recent guy I dated last fall. Technically, it wasn't a hookup because I didn't give him any. Most of the guys I've dated in the past have hinted at "hooking up" but it never got "physical" to say the least. That was my mistake, sorry for the confusion.
Anyway, so many responses. Thanks for the encouragement, it's good to know I'm not alone in my "corner of the sky", lol.
I should probably clarify, I made a mistake in my original post & Leisesturm was right in that I haven't had any hookups except for one & that was the most recent guy I dated last fall. Technically, it wasn't a hookup because I didn't give him any. Most of the guys I've dated in the past have hinted at "hooking up" but it never got "physical" to say the least. That was my mistake, sorry for the confusion.
Anyway, so many responses. Thanks for the encouragement, it's good to know I'm not alone in my "corner of the sky", lol.
Thanks for the clarification
You really aren't alone, and you are still SOOOOO young. Give yourself time, don't be in a rush for a relationship or you may force something that really isn't a good fit in the long run.
Location: Fort Bend County, TX/USA/Mississauga, ON/Canada
2,702 posts, read 6,031,091 times
Reputation: 2304
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Thanks for the clarification
You really aren't alone, and you are still SOOOOO young. Give yourself time, don't be in a rush for a relationship or you may force something that really isn't a good fit in the long run.
Thanks lovesMountains, it just seems like that I feel behind some of my peers in the "relationship" department...even though most of my friends are mostly single like me...but you're right I shouldn't rush it, a childhood friend of mine is in a convenient relationship w/ some guy who is just "average" in her eyes. I was watching the Tyra show (admittedly trashy, I know) & she was talking about how some shocking percent of black women haven't been married & I was like ...needless to say, I'm really afraid of becoming a statistic...
I do try & keep myself busy, I have a job on campus & I try to stay busy during the week/weekends so I don't have time to "think about it", at the same time I realize I have to put myself out there...
It's just every now & then when I feel this way. I guess yesterday I felt a need to gripe about it...
Thanks lovesMountains, it just seems like that I feel behind some of my peers in the "relationship" department...even though most of my friends are mostly single like me...but you're right I shouldn't rush it, a childhood friend of mine is in a convenient relationship w/ some guy who is just "average" in her eyes. I was watching the Tyra show (admittedly trashy, I know) & she was talking about how some shocking percent of black women haven't been married & I was like ...needless to say, I'm really afraid of becoming a statistic...
I do try & keep myself busy, I have a job on campus & I try to stay busy during the week/weekends so I don't have time to "think about it", at the same time I realize I have to put myself out there...
It's just every now & then when I feel this way. I guess yesterday I felt a need to gripe about it...
Let me tell you something...spend the time becoming the best YOU that you can be - well-read, well-rounded, involved in some volunteer effort, a woman who can trust her gut instincts and exude self-confidence, and men will be naturally drawn to you Men, not college boys, when the time is right.
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...needless to say, I'm really afraid of becoming a statistic...
