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The only thing I like about The Dr. Phil show is when a nimwit is on the show trying to justify stupid behavior and Dr. Phil says "How's that workin' for ya'?"
Who can argue with that??
Oh I have so asked myself that a few times in the last week.
My week of being off and solo is almost over. The boys have next week off and I will be working at night to cover my contracts. I have caught a few episodes, But yeah doc phil is a nut. I think he has some great writers and a team of highly trained advisers. Cause some great stuff comes out of that program.
Oh I have so asked myself that a few times in the last week.
My week of being off and solo is almost over. The boys have next week off and I will be working at night to cover my contracts. I have caught a few episodes, But yeah doc phil is a nut. I think he has some great writers and a team of highly trained advisers. Cause some great stuff comes out of that program.
From the snippets I've caught he just seems to ham up his accent and demeanor, but then again he is a celebrity and not just another clinical psychologist sitting around in a Mr. Roger's cardigan sweater!
Dr. Drew seems more real to me...boy, I watched too much tv on bedrest!
Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew are cool, however, I don't really agree with much of what psychiatry does. Dr. Phil can be so rude sometimes though.
This is turning like the thread about Rush... I think the same about them as I do him, they are for intertainment.. And they do good at what they get paid for.
I am probably bring down the wrath of the female players here but there is a point of view that has been largely over looked.
Is there any way that her relentless arguing and holding onto this one instance is a window to what this guy was dealing with all along. The truth could be when the lawyer told him he would loose his kids, he stayed. She sounds like she has a good heart but she is so angry at her hubs for other issues. I really wish someone could help her be happy.
The poor guy has probably been through the ringer where leaving a pair of sox on the floor "near" the hamper was so disrespectful how could he consider treating her that way.......... IDK if it is true but she is very angry and has shown a propensity to ignore anything that doesn't fit "her" prospective.
~Ducking under massive shield from the set of 300~
So I drove him to it. It's all my fault.
That one ranks with "The devil made me do it". What's really sad is I'm the one he came down on for leaving sock close to the hamper. I've put up with years of nothing I do being good enough and now I'm blamed for his affair. You have no idea how far off base you are. I hate visiting his mom because he liked to tell her everything I did wrong and he kept a list. The only thing I was guilty of is not being his first wife. What he wanted was her with my morals. She couldn't stop sleeping around on him. He took her back time and time again and then finally gave up on her ever being faithful.
Maybe I can't get past this because it destroys what marriages are built on. Trust. Once that's gone, what do you have?
Take a hike.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-13-2009 at 04:11 PM..
Oh wow - I see this very differently. As far as I remember they were seperated because HE LEFT HER.
She may have pulled the trigger on filing for divorce too quickly, but under the circs I can't say I blame her.
This was his doing, not hers and him searching for people to hook up with as soon as he left is massively disrespectful.
The fact that he left her first may mean he wasn't cheating, but that's a technicality. When you treat people like this, you burn bridges as it sounds like he has with the op. Who wants to share their life with someone who could move out and on in just a matter of weeks?
Your post makes it sound like the OP is in the wrong and it's astounding to me that the person you feel sorry for is her husband!!
I DO think that couples can get over betrayals like this if they both really want to and the fundamentals of their relationship are strong enough. At this point only the OP can decide that. It's an awful position to be in and I hope you can find the strength to make a decision - one way or the other. Good luck!
Edited to add: It does seem clear that since making his decision to leave you, your husband has done everything in his power to make things right. I point this out, only to reiterate the point, that the ball is very much in your court. He was the one who put the train in motion which was entirely his fault, but the misery you (and probably he) are going through now, is of your own doing. When you made a decision to take him back, you had every right to expect to talk it through, have therapy, have him prove to you that he deserves your trust again. It sounds like he has done those things, so now it's really down to you. If you want to stay with him you will have no choice but to put this behind you. If you don't then the misery in your marriage will be as much your fault as his.
I don't mean to be harsh because I DO think he started all this and you asked for none of it, but it's just the reality of your current situation. I am wishing you all luck. Hugs.
You have the story correct. He left and I filed. I didn't have a choice. You see he decided that he shouldn't have to contribute to the household finaces because I out earned him but you can't just take 40% of your income away without some serious rearrangement of finances. I would have lost the house if I hadn't filed and forced him to contribute to paying the bills.
There was also the issue of his drinking heavily at the time which meant we needed restrictions on visitation. Without a court order, you cannot keep a parent from their child.
What bothers me is how fast he moved on. Like the 27 years we were togehther meant nothing. Even if we hadn't gotten back together, there'd still be a sting with that one. It really cuts to the bone when you think you matter and find out, with one gut punch that you don't.
I boldfaced the part of your post that really hits home. What I'm struggling with is knowing that, at any time, he could do it again. They say the first time doing something is the hardest. That it's easier to repeat once you've done it. I keep waiting to come home to "I'm leaving". I'm walking on eggshells in my own house and guarding my heart.
And thanks for your post. I do grow tired of the "I must have driven him to it" posts that cite my inability to get past his affair as proof that I'm unreasonable. Is it really reasonable to expect someone to get past an affair? Something was lost here. It's like a big black hole in our marriage and things keep falling in. It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. Yes we were separated but his affair, morally, ended the marriage. That's pretty serious stuff.
What scares me is that I only know one couple who did make it past his affair and she says the turning point was passing as many years after the affair as they'd been married before the affair. Once they'd made it that long, she said she felt she could relax. We were married 27 years. EEK.
FTR, while he does regret taking up with her, he does not view himself as having had an affair. In his mind, we were on a break so we were both free to sleep with anyone we wanted to. I can't wrap my mind around that. I didn't know it was possible to take a break from a committment you made. I figure this is just justication so he doesn't have to feel guilty.
The problem is he wants to just sweep this under the rug and make it go away while I need constant reminding that it's not going to happen again. He sees me as dweeling on this, and I am. It's hard not to when something wounds you to the core.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-13-2009 at 04:15 PM..
Well here I go again putting my two cents in.
I recommend you do leave him and let your child visit him as often as she likes. Everyone wilbe much happier because now theres no more fears and whatifs. Your husband just needs to move on like he did before. And you need to understand that it wasnt your fault he slept with another woman once he got the divorce papers. I mean, what if he had divorced you and married someone else soon after the divorce? Something tells me that perhaps he knew her even before he left you. If thats the case, then just let him go. He lied to you and thats just not what a healthy relationship needs.
Let me state for the record that I think there is no excuse for cheating. If there is a problem in the relationship then focus on that to try and fix it, or end the marriage cleanly and move on from there.
Having said that, going back to Lovesmountain's comment, it does seem a bit like the OP would rather be right than be happy, and I too wonder how long that has been going on in their relationship. I can imagine that would get very wearing on a partner after a while.
I too am going to jump into the water with a few of you. You said it so well. I watch the OP's posts and they strike me as the same always has to be right and will badger until someone says she is. I can't imagine living in the same house with that all the time.
Is it really reasonable to expect someone to get past an affair? Something was lost here. It's like a big black hole in our marriage and things keep falling in. It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. Yes we were separated but his affair, morally, ended the marriage. That's pretty serious stuff.
I think you have your answer right here. For you it is over and it is time to move on.
That one ranks with "The devil made me do it". What's really sad is I'm the one he came down on for leaving sock close to the hamper. I've put up with years of nothing I do being good enough and now I'm blamed for his affair. You have no idea how far off base you are. I hate visiting his mom because he liked to tell her everything I did wrong and he kept a list. The only thing I was guilty of is not being his first wife. What he wanted was her with my morals. She couldn't stop sleeping around on him. He took her back time and time again and then finally gave up on her ever being faithful.
Maybe I can't get past this because it destroys what marriages are built on. Trust. Once that's gone, what do you have?
Take a hike.
OMG again I am saying YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. I am saying oh to hell with it.
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I've put up with years of nothing I do being good enough and now I'm blamed for his affair. You have no idea how far off base you are. I hate visiting his mom because he liked to tell her everything I did wrong and he kept a list. The only thing I was guilty of is not being his first wife. What he wanted was her with my morals. She couldn't stop sleeping around on him. He took her back time and time again and then finally gave up on her ever being faithful. 
