Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I don't know. I don't see people posting here about how they got past a partners affair as I had hoped. Just a bunch who want to blame me because my inability to get past the affair MUST be proof of how hard it is to live with me.
I think my youngest daughter said it best. About three days after her father left, she asked me why. When I tried to explain that he was unhappy, she cut me off and corrected "no, why did he leave you, it should have been you leaving him". What puzzled her is that she saw me as the one with reason to leave not him.
If your hubby is a drunk, kick him out. Like I said...you need to get strong. Why would you put up with drunken behaviors? What if he decides to start tweeking? Will you stick around for that?
I have actually been married twice. The first one turned out to be a drunk. I was young and stupid. I kicked him out. He used to come over and whine at my window at 3:00 in the morning, begging me to take him back. But the bottle was more important, so....he was gone. Too bad...so sad. I got over it.
My second marriage is illustrated in my previous post. Thirteen years. Whatever. I'm happy. I got over it. I don't lose any sleep about either of them. And I wasn't looking for a man when my real man found me.
Guess what? I made many mistakes in both marriages. It wasn't entirely the guys' faults. I can be a stuborn b*tch. I have taken these lessons, learned from them and now I really know how to treat a man and, lo and behold, he thrives and reciprocates. I cook for him, compliment him, tell him he's my hero, scratch his back, remind him how handsome he is and cooperate in his plans, plans that will ultimately benefit the both of us. I'm always available for him. In return he is a hard worker, excellent provider, gentle lover and so masculine!
People rarely change. You won't. He won't. You need to be figuring out how to do damage control on your kids, so they don't repeat your mistakes.
You know, I read your initial posting and I actuallyfelt bad for you. I still do, but it has evolved into other reasoning. I am not saying I wish any of this for you. I absolutely do not. But I can see that you are destined for disappointment if you continue looking down your nose at the rest of the world. It gets old.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
What bothers me is how fast he moved on. Like the 27 years we were togehther meant nothing.
I can understand that feeling, but 27 years is a long time for you to presume it meant nothing to him. And if you really feel that is the truth, what makes you think you matter to him now?
Quote:
I do grow tired of the "I must have driven him to it" posts that cite my inability to get past his affair as proof that I'm unreasonable.
In other posts you have done this very thing, over and over, twisting others' words and their situations into a platform to preach and condemn. I didn't see anyone say it was your fault, that you asked for it or that you drove him to it. You accused lovesMountains of saying it was okay for him to do what he did, you put words into other people's mouths all the time. There is plenty of proof of how unreasonable you are on this forum. So it is not unreasonable for anyone to wonder if you do the same in your marriage. What is meant by that is, like someone else already told you, that it takes TWO to break down a marriage and your behavior would be a huge contributor. It also takes two to make it work, and that means you need to pay attention to his reasoning and his feelings, even if they are wrong. Because like it or not, it is his reality and what he acted upon.
Quote:
Is it really reasonable to expect someone to get past an affair? Something was lost here. It's like a big black hole in our marriage and things keep falling in. It doesn't go away. It doesn't get better. Yes we were separated but his affair, morally, ended the marriage. That's pretty serious stuff.
No, it is not reasonable to expect anyone to get past an affair. But there are no clear answers to that, and you should know that. You get past it in your own time.
But based on your other postings in another thread, that I found several contradictions in, leave before you cheat. Well, he left. Now, its an issue of how long it took before he bedded someone else. But it wasn't the gal he slept with 6 weeks AFTER he left that did your marriage in. I'm not discounting how you feel about that, but the "affair" that wasn't isn't really what's important, is it? What prompted him to leave in the first place?
Quote:
FTR, while he does regret taking up with her, he does not view himself as having had an affair. In his mind, we were on a break so we were both free to sleep with anyone we wanted to. I can't wrap my mind around that. I didn't know it was possible to take a break from a committment you made. I figure this is just justication so he doesn't have to feel guilty.
It may be his justification, but he left before he cheated. This is what you crucified Boney for in his thread about cheating on his wife. It's not good enough is it?
Regardless of the children, the financials, saving the house, a divorce is a divorce. It is a declaration that the marriage has ended. So, he does have the right to see someone else if he chooses to. Does that mean you are replacable? Not necessarily, but it means you and your hubby were over. Moving on so soon may not be nice, it may not be pretty, but there is a reason for that. Right or wrong, he felt he was ready to. And you should examine why he was ready as well. It may have been rebound, it may have been something else.
Quote:
The problem is he wants to just sweep this under the rug and make it go away while I need constant reminding that it's not going to happen again. He sees me as dweeling on this, and I am. It's hard not to when something wounds you to the core.
You have a right to be upset, it is what you feel and you are entitled to that. But it doesn't look like he stands a chance with you thinking and feeling for him. Doesn't matter what he says, you are going to maintain what YOU feel and think is the case.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyworld
I too am going to jump into the water with a few of you. You said it so well. I watch the OP's posts and they strike me as the same always has to be right and will badger until someone says she is. I can't imagine living in the same house with that all the time.
I noticed this and remembered something you said in another thread, but I wanted to be sure before I brought it to your attention:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
I think my youngest daughter said it best. About three days after her father left, she asked me why. When I tried to explain that he was unhappy, she cut me off and corrected "no, why did he leave you, it should have been you leaving him". What puzzled her is that she saw me as the one with reason to leave not him.
And this is what you wrote on Boney's thread.
Quote:
BTDT BTW, my daughter blamed me for her father and I nearly getting divorced. It took a few thousand dollars worth of relationship couseling to work through that one and we're not 100% yet. I just pray she doesn't blame herself for any wrong actions her husband takes (praying he doesn't)........It helps that her father has accepted the blame but she does not like seeing any flaw in her father. She looks up to him so it's hard to accept that he's done things he's not proud of without looking to blame someone else for doing them. I have a deep respect for him for accepting the blame as he has. He could have, easily, done what so many men do in this situation and excused his actions by blaming me. I have to give him credit for that. Since we reconciled, any time our daugher has tried to say it was my fault, he's cut her off at the pass and reminded her that he made his own decisions and that I had nothing to do with them.
Aside from all the credit you have given him, do you have two daughters who feel differently about this situation?
Ivory it is not your fault, as adults must take responsibility for their own actions. I would not wish a divorce on my worst enemy.....let alone a child. I didn't know the whole story before i posted my response, however i would rather be alone than unhappy.....life is too short. I find it strange that he would decide to introduce the kids to a woman he suppose to have only known for six weeks.....how long did he really know this woman? He must have had some kind of plans for her.....he wanted his kids to meet her. I'm not trying to get in your business, but i must say there is a lot of unanswered questions in the situation. Everyone can point fingers here saying this person is wrong...that person is wrong...in the end it's all up to you. Pray about it and move forward.
If your hubby is a drunk, kick him out. Like I said...you need to get strong. Why would you put up with drunken behaviors? What if he decides to start tweeking? Will you stick around for that?
I have actually been married twice. The first one turned out to be a drunk. I was young and stupid. I kicked him out. He used to come over and whine at my window at 3:00 in the morning, begging me to take him back. But the bottle was more important, so....he was gone. Too bad...so sad. I got over it.
My second marriage is illustrated in my previous post. Thirteen years. Whatever. I'm happy. I got over it. I don't lose any sleep about either of them. And I wasn't looking for a man when my real man found me.
Guess what? I made many mistakes in both marriages. It wasn't entirely the guys' faults. I can be a stuborn b*tch. I have taken these lessons, learned from them and now I really know how to treat a man and, lo and behold, he thrives and reciprocates. I cook for him, compliment him, tell him he's my hero, scratch his back, remind him how handsome he is and cooperate in his plans, plans that will ultimately benefit the both of us. I'm always available for him. In return he is a hard worker, excellent provider, gentle lover and so masculine!
People rarely change. You won't. He won't. You need to be figuring out how to do damage control on your kids, so they don't repeat your mistakes.
So what would you have done if your ex had stopped drinking in an attempt to win his family back and then after several months of not drinking at all started having 3 or 4 drinks a month? Would you still call him a drunk? While I do not like that he drinks at all these days, he has managed to control it. Part of me thinks I should have kicked him out the first time he had one and part of me thinks this is his demon to slay and he has to slay it his way. I just don't like his way. He does know that if the drinking ever becomes a problem to me, in my view, again I will be gone. He also knows that if that happens, he will have proven to the court that he cannot control his drinking and he will lose the kids.
BTW, drinking is so accepted by society that it's hard to prove that a parent's drinking is harmful unless they're a falling down drunk. My husband was/is what they call a functional alcoholic. They keep it under control enough to hold down jobs and appear respectable. At the end of the day, he'd crawl into a six pack (he drank 4-6 beers a day), which impaired his judgement. The counselor says that emotional development arrests at the point in time drinking starts. My husband took his first drink at the ripe old age of 9
You know what my biggest fear was when we got back together? That he'd control the drinking long enough to get custody of the kids (he'd get joint custody) and then start drinking again and they'd have to deal with him on their own when I wasn't there.
Sometimes I don't know what to think about the drinking. Is the fact he has controlled it this long proof that he never was an alcoholic (his stance - he says he just drank too much ) or does it mean he cares about his family enough to control it in spite of being an alcoholic (three counselors have said he is one).
OMG and we are still arguing with people and picking at every word. Enough already!
You asked opinions everyone gave them and yet you can't be satisfied. You type argue with everyone what a waste of time.
Get off the pity potty and go find a nice life for yourself and go back to counseling as you cannot get past anything.. I think no matter what he does to make it right it will never be enough. I think you will make him pay for his mistakes for the rest of his life.
OMG and we are still arguing with people and picking at every word. Enough already!
You asked opinions everyone gave them and yet you can't be satisfied. You type argue with everyone what a waste of time.
Get off the pity potty and go find a nice life for yourself and go back to counseling as you cannot get past anything.. I think no matter what he does to make it right it will never be enough. I think you will make him pay for his mistakes for the rest of his life.
Good Luck with that!
What I asked is whether or not you can get past a spouse cheating. So far, if anyone has posted that they did get past an affair, I missed that post. I don't see anyone posting that affairs can be gotten past. Only examples of how they ended marriages. That is telling.
I didn't ask whose fault it is but I'm being told it's mine. Go figure.
I can understand that feeling, but 27 years is a long time for you to presume it meant nothing to him. And if you really feel that is the truth, what makes you think you matter to him now?
No, it is not reasonable to expect anyone to get past an affair. But there are no clear answers to that, and you should know that. You get past it in your own time.
But based on your other postings in another thread, that I found several contradictions in, leave before you cheat. Well, he left. Now, its an issue of how long it took before he bedded someone else. But it wasn't the gal he slept with 6 weeks AFTER he left that did your marriage in. I'm not discounting how you feel about that, but the "affair" that wasn't isn't really what's important, is it? What prompted him to leave in the first place?
It may be his justification, but he left before he cheated. This is what you crucified Boney for in his thread about cheating on his wife. It's not good enough is it?
Regardless of the children, the financials, saving the house, a divorce is a divorce. It is a declaration that the marriage has ended. So, he does have the right to see someone else if he chooses to. Does that mean you are replacable? Not necessarily, but it means you and your hubby were over. Moving on so soon may not be nice, it may not be pretty, but there is a reason for that. Right or wrong, he felt he was ready to. And you should examine why he was ready as well. It may have been rebound, it may have been something else.
You have a right to be upset, it is what you feel and you are entitled to that. But it doesn't look like he stands a chance with you thinking and feeling for him. Doesn't matter what he says, you are going to maintain what YOU feel and think is the case.
Water volleyball, anyone?
Leave before you cheat means to end the relationship properly first. However, it's still cheating. Just more honest to do it after you end one relationship. However, what you don't do is go back. You can't decide to leave, temporarily, so you can have an affair and then want things back the way they were. It's not going to happen.
Leaving first does not justify an affair. It's just more honest to leave first. It is just as dishonest to leave, temporarily, and then go back. Obviously, your intent was to free yourself up to have the affair and then resume your marriage. Is is possible to take a break from your committment to your marriage and resume it? Does being on a break make an affair ok? Can you really take a vacation from your marriage, play single for a while and go back to your marriage?
As to the part of your post I boldfaced, you summed up the problem nicely. Obviously, the answer is, I don't. That is the problem.
As to divorce ending a marriage, yes it does but we were never divorced. We never got to the first court hearing. All the court did was make him pay his share of the bills and grant me temporary custody. Divorce, when final, ends a marriage. Filing for divorce may or may not result in the end of a marriage. Surprisingly, many divorces don't go through. According to my husband's lawyer, about 25% of her clients reconcile before the divorce is final. So, while divorce does end a marriage, filing for one doesn't. You're still married until the divorce is final. Moving on before that works out ok as long as you don't try to go back. Then it becomes a problem to be dealt with because it becomes cheating. Technically, it's cheating even if you do get divorced but you don't have to worry about whether or not your partner can get past it if you end up divorced.
If we had not reconciled, I would have simply taken how fast he moved on as proof he never cared and once he'd moved on, I would have considered myself free to do the same. Though I wouldn't have until the divorce was finalized for both moral and legal reasons. My lawyer said the court doesn't look kindly on moms who date during their divorces, not that I wanted to because I didn't want to.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Simple as that!
Ivory it is not your fault, as adults must take responsibility for their own actions. I would not wish a divorce on my worst enemy.....let alone a child. I didn't know the whole story before i posted my response, however i would rather be alone than unhappy.....life is too short. I find it strange that he would decide to introduce the kids to a woman he suppose to have only known for six weeks.....how long did he really know this woman? He must have had some kind of plans for her.....he wanted his kids to meet her. I'm not trying to get in your business, but i must say there is a lot of unanswered questions in the situation. Everyone can point fingers here saying this person is wrong...that person is wrong...in the end it's all up to you. Pray about it and move forward.
