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i know 2 guys that were and 1 young woman. I heard very little of what happened. One of the guys life is messed up pretty bad and the other leads a normal life. The young woman has guy issues
Ok, I have a question.... I just started a relationship with a guy who was molested as a child. Haven't gotten all the details yet but I'm letting him tell me in his own time.
Now I've been through a lot of physical abuse as a child but any advice on how to get him to open up. (Im NOT running for the hills seeing as I've had just as much if not worse past experiences and hes embraced me).
I Suggest therapy if its serious. I have dated someone going on sixteen years and wasn't aware (actually was told) until the 11th year that she had been molested by her grandfather. I could tell that she had serious issues by her anger, hot/cold moodswings daily, very cold at times for no reason and then wanting to have sex to make-up but never wanted to kiss, bouts of depression, negativity, not getting along well with others at work and especially my family, always putting up walls and giving the its over and then wanting to make-up and apologizing as if it never happened, verbally abusive when angry, and promiscuous starting at 14 which I feel was due to the abuse. The post earlier on getting help yourself I think is accurate in a way because I myself have a caregiving nature when it comes to people especially when its someone I love and just the average joe that walks into a relationship with someone that has been abused isn't gonna be able to help them, understand them and be able to have a successful relationship with that person without the proper knowledge. I was dumb founded as to how often molestation occurs and its effects so when I encountered problems in our relationship on a regular basis I didn't know what to think, I wondered if it was me because I hadn't dated alot. Then I met her mother who warns me that her daughter can be a real bi--- but didnt't tell me while she and her husband partied they left there daughter with a child molestor and never got her any help and never turned the man in for doing it.(I guess because they were related they just thought it would be better to pretend it never happened? Who knows!)
If you go into the situation with the attitude of tell me whats wrong? why are you so angry? or why don't you like to kiss? why are you so mean and then want to have sex to make up? lets talk about it I want to understand, to help us, it wont work and is not enough. It's not up to you to bring it up and it's not up to you to get this person help if they wont do it themselves. I learned this the hard way. It's not a cold or a bruise! Trying to treat it that way will destroy you because your unconditional love for the person will have you never giving up but if they don't want help and can't see any fault in there ways in the relationship you only stand to lose emotionally, mentally, and physically. I found myself trying too hard! I'm reading books, I'm talking to people, reading sites like this one and going to therapy and learning but she refuses to stay involved with getting help which was another behavior that I have noticed. "I'm going to go to therapy" and will even go for a month or so then stops cold turkey and its back to the same thing. Going to therapy (not to see why you attract these types of people is pointless! Thats not the issue) but to learn how to communicate with the person, how to listen, how to be helpful, how to diffuse negative situations in a positive way is beneficial in a relationship with an abused person or someone not abused and if were all honest unless we were raised by christian-psychologist none of us has really ever learned these things. If you just expect to get by or to jus wing it you will be suprised. I have again learned this the hard way and have been involved with someone and had 3 kids with them in 15 years that I have REALLY NEVER known because of her abuse and her determination to not deal with it and hide it, but also I have learned in therapy how to recogize, communicate, and when to know its too much for me and that a professional is needed. Trying to be the therapist and the boyfriend/husband/wife will drain you emotionally and destroy your relationship. Sorry for the long winded statement, just have many years of experience trying to understand and learn. My main bit of advice is if the relationship is worth it to both of you seek professional therapy individually and as a couple. If you see it is not for you then go your separate ways because it is not for everybody and if you do not know what your doing it will just make things worse for the both of you.
And by the way, when I met this women when we were 18, I was in college and she was hanging out with her girlfriends. She was very confident, attractive(hot), outgoing, she was a hard worker(had two jobs) had many friends male and female, though she tells me alot of them were fake relationships now that were older. Today about 16 years later she is still confident, has few close friends, has very little communication with her parents, still exhibits 99% of the same behaviors other than the promiscuity(that I know of) is successful in her job but has daily complaints and deep anger toward all male authority figures and clashes with many of the women. Still refuses to get therapy consistantly. As a parent she is very laxed with the children and gets very little respect from them. I feel that she wanted to have kids to have a friend and to get that feeling of unconditional love from a child that she missed as a child. The bad part is that we had all boys. So all retionships are still strained in our household 16 years later. Hope this is helpful. Educate yourself on relationships, communication, and even behavioral disorders and causes then be thorough and work slow in relationships with anyone and you will be able to see a red flag early enough and be able to make an informed decision as to if that someone is for you. Lots and Lots of books!
Hey all, had an experience directly related to this topic. I was eighteen (this started like June 2010) and found myself becoming attracted to this 32-year old woman I had known for a couple of years (I'm a girl too). She had lived with one of my friends from high school, and over the years we all had become pretty close. I knew she was just recently out of an abusive relationship. She had had horrible things done to her in the past (incest, by fathers and brothers. assaulted by numerous strangers) things like that. I dont know what happened but one day i was very upset and crying and she comforted me. I had never been comforted by anyone before in my life, so this was a shocker. Over the next three weeks, we started to talk more and despite her horrific past, she connected on a level with me that seemeed normal. I dont know what happened, but we ended up sleeping together. I was shocked, and very wary because I knew of her past but it was pretty wonderful and she didn't seem uncomfortable with it. We started dating and started lying to the mutual friend we both shared, knowing she would get mad. Everytime we had sex, I told her a million times she didnt have to do anything she didn't want to do, and she would coyly respond that she REALLY wanted to, yadda yaddayadda. Most of the time I was receiving, if that makes sense. Towards the end, I could feel her pulling away from me. I called her one day to ask if she truly wanted to be with me, and she said yes and she would try harder or whatever. Not three days later, the mutual friend confronted her and she told her that she was only with me because she was afraid to say no and that sometimes she only slept with me because she was afraid to say no. Hurt and enraged I told my friend the truth of how involved we really were. This ended in a confrontation with all three of us, where this woman told me she wanted to be with me in front of the friend, acted against it after a conversation with the friend, and wouldn't hug me when I came into her room bawling asking for one. I tried to take pills the next day, saw the error of my ways and called the poison control center, got to a hospital and got fixed. She wasn't supposed to find out about this, I didn't do it out of manipulation, it was a really stupid choice I fixed immediately....but my friend told her about what happened; probably to tear us apart. She stonewalled me for a week, then called me to talk finally and she lied to my face, saying she never told my friend and that my friend had misrepresented things...even though she admitted to telling her the week beforehand. She broke up with me, which was fine. She said she wanted to talk more so we could save the friendship. Then she just kept ignoring me, invited me over to her house (and the friend moved in with her) and said things like "I'll still call you when I need help.." I blew up at her over text a couple days later and then left it alone, although I felt horrible. Two days after that, one of my friends committed suicide, I tried to contact her, which was a mistake. She read my text messages aloud to my friends, who then ridiculed me for trying to contact her. Its all fizzled out now, and she says I can still come over if I act like nothings wrong. I tried that, it hurts like hell. She never gave me any closure, any explanation, and seemed more concerned about not being looked upon as a "child molester" or a liar than she was about my feelings. she turned the love I had for her into a weapon for her artillery. she knew how to act like she loved but never got it so she could never give it. wish I would've stayed away.
Dated a rape victim. She told me in detail what happened. The relationship did not work out and end very badly between us. She was not emotionally or mentally well. She thinks she is, but she isn't. Her behavior was erratic and bewildering. One minute we were hot and heavy, the next minute, no longer interested. The next minute, crying. It was an emotional roller coaster. I tried to offer friendship, but, she did not want it. I am still concerned with her emotional and mentally. I pray for her, but her life is a mess. It's like watching a train wreck happening and you cannot do anything about it.
I was with a woman who was abused by her uncle early on. I didn't find out until she told me much later. I dated her for almost two years and noticed many things during our time together. She was always very emotional, but I always thought it was part of her personality. On several occasions she would cry after sex and I would never know why because she would never discuss the reasons or try to talk about it.
After I found out, I was very supportive and tried to talk her into getting some therapy, but she always refused and felt that she was fine. I was much more understanding when we were intimate and took things much more slow, but towards the end, it was never about the intimacy, but more about her bouts with depression and mood swings over reasons I could not control. As much as I tried to help her heal and take things easy, I realized that she really needed therapy and that there was only so much I could do to help. It is very difficult to convince someone to go through therapy and it takes years, if not decades to heal.
Hey all, had an experience directly related to this topic. I was eighteen (this started like June 2010) and found myself becoming attracted to this 32-year old woman I had known for a couple of years (I'm a girl too). She had lived with one of my friends from high school, and over the years we all had become pretty close. I knew she was just recently out of an abusive relationship. She had had horrible things done to her in the past (incest, by fathers and brothers. assaulted by numerous strangers) things like that. I dont know what happened but one day i was very upset and crying and she comforted me. I had never been comforted by anyone before in my life, so this was a shocker. Over the next three weeks, we started to talk more and despite her horrific past, she connected on a level with me that seemeed normal. I dont know what happened, but we ended up sleeping together. I was shocked, and very wary because I knew of her past but it was pretty wonderful and she didn't seem uncomfortable with it. We started dating and started lying to the mutual friend we both shared, knowing she would get mad. Everytime we had sex, I told her a million times she didnt have to do anything she didn't want to do, and she would coyly respond that she REALLY wanted to, yadda yaddayadda. Most of the time I was receiving, if that makes sense. Towards the end, I could feel her pulling away from me. I called her one day to ask if she truly wanted to be with me, and she said yes and she would try harder or whatever. Not three days later, the mutual friend confronted her and she told her that she was only with me because she was afraid to say no and that sometimes she only slept with me because she was afraid to say no. Hurt and enraged I told my friend the truth of how involved we really were. This ended in a confrontation with all three of us, where this woman told me she wanted to be with me in front of the friend, acted against it after a conversation with the friend, and wouldn't hug me when I came into her room bawling asking for one. I tried to take pills the next day, saw the error of my ways and called the poison control center, got to a hospital and got fixed. She wasn't supposed to find out about this, I didn't do it out of manipulation, it was a really stupid choice I fixed immediately....but my friend told her about what happened; probably to tear us apart. She stonewalled me for a week, then called me to talk finally and she lied to my face, saying she never told my friend and that my friend had misrepresented things...even though she admitted to telling her the week beforehand. She broke up with me, which was fine. She said she wanted to talk more so we could save the friendship. Then she just kept ignoring me, invited me over to her house (and the friend moved in with her) and said things like "I'll still call you when I need help.." I blew up at her over text a couple days later and then left it alone, although I felt horrible. Two days after that, one of my friends committed suicide, I tried to contact her, which was a mistake. She read my text messages aloud to my friends, who then ridiculed me for trying to contact her. Its all fizzled out now, and she says I can still come over if I act like nothings wrong. I tried that, it hurts like hell. She never gave me any closure, any explanation, and seemed more concerned about not being looked upon as a "child molester" or a liar than she was about my feelings. she turned the love I had for her into a weapon for her artillery. she knew how to act like she loved but never got it so she could never give it. wish I would've stayed away.
I really thought this was gonna be one of those stories where all 3 of you got together.
Then there was a switch. Your friend committed suicide and you tried to contact her?
I don't know if this is a lack of good writing skills, the lack of paragraphs or me just drinking too much coffee this morning but I ain't getn it....
I dated a girl who I suspect was abused as a child. She never said it outright, but she dropped certain hints. Obviously, it's a difficult subject to talk about which is why I never brought it up. I do know that it was a big reason why she had a falling out with her mother. She holds her mother partly responsible for what happened, I think because she protected the abuser who may have been a friend or one-time husband.
As for the girl, learning that she may have been abused helped explain some of her behavior. She had a history of failed relationships including a very short marriage. By her own admission, she was to blame. She could be very open about most things, except for her feelings. And while she had a healthy appetite for sex, it was emotionally distant. Perhaps being abused caused her to learn how to separate emotion from sex. It may have also made her afraid of letting people get too close. That would explain why none of her relationships lasted. She was definitely that way with me, alternating between wanting someone in her life, but then pushing them away when they got too close.
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