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So some of you may remember me asking right after Xmas what I should do with the gifts my bf bought me for Xmas since I was breaking up with him. He had lied about a present, but it wasn't the first time he had lied to me, he had done so many times, and that was the last straw.
Well, I broke up with him. Of course, I heard how he will never lie to me again, please give him another chance, etc. I contacted his ex wife, and long story short, she filled me in on many more lies he has told me. Almost everything he told me about his life was a lie (how long he'd been in Marines, who cheated on whom during marriage, when they separated, how much money he makes, and the list goes on). Plus, he had cheated on me with her about 2 months into our relationship. But, to be fair, I actually had sex with my ex husband less than two weeks after I met him.
I confronted him with the new lies and the cheating. He tried to lie at first, but finally admitted to them, after I refused to believe him. I decided we could be friends, but that was it for now because I don't know that I can forgive him for all the lies, nor ever trust him again.
Of course, he still was there all the time, texting or calling all the time, not wanting me to go out with other men, always talking about how he'll never lie to me again, how he wants another chance, how we could have a great future together if we could start over, etc.
I've realized he manipulates conversations so that I just don't know what to say, then he thinks whatever he has said is true. Such as, he'll say, I think things are going to be just fine with us. Don't you think so? Sometimes I'd answer I don't know, and others I'd just look at him in disbelief.
Anyway, fast forward to a week ago. I had never gotten my apt key back from him, and my bf Julie lives in same apt complex as I. She called to tell me he was in my apt. He knew I was taking another friend to the store before I picked up my son from school, so he knew I wasn't home. I was near the apts at that moment though, so I swung in, to make sure that really was his truck (another time Julie said he was here, he denied it saying it wasn't his truck, turned out he had been here, another long story). It was his truck, parked where it was semi-hidden, and he was not in it. Again, long story short, he was in my apt, I believe snooping in my computer to see who I was talking to, but he lied and said he wasn't even in my apt. When I told him I saw him walk out of it, he confessed and made up a story about him being there to leave me a note, but had to get a pen out of my apt.
So now you've got him lying to me again. And the same thing happened as right after Xmas. I swear I'll never lie to you again, please let me prove it to you, etc. He can look you right in the eye, turn on his charm, and try to make you believe him. Obviously, I don't believe him.
But, the nice person in me says I'll still be his friend, but that's all. But nothing changes. It's still him pressuring me, wanting to see me daily, constant texts, having to talk to me on phone before I go to sleep, wanting to spend Fri and Sat nights with me, telling me how we should just focus on each other (instead of me dating others), etc.
Today I just pretty much lost it. I told him I wanted no contact from him for one week. I need the time to think, and decide what to do. I had asked him last weekend to let me have time to myself, but he ended up coming over Fri afternoon, Sat afternoon, and Sun evening. So this time I said no contact at all, til next Wed.
Ok, so why have I put up with all this? Because he does have a good side to him. He is sweet. He adores my daughter, and she him. He'd do anything for me. He can be fun to be around, and we love to go dancing together (which he's teaching me). He literally would give me the shirt off his back. He's definitely a giver, ie, massages, lunches, cooks me dinner, pays to have my nails done because he likes them, etc. When he's not lying or cheating (which is big, I know!), he treats me better than a lot of men I've dated.
I think he has a problem with lying, and I think he's, I don't want to say obsessed, but my gf's say so. I feel claustrophobic. If he would just back off, give me space, and chill, I'd love to continue being his friend. I just don't know that he can handle that.
So...I have this next week to decide what to do. Let's hear it. What do ya'll think?
Let me just add this: I have broken up with him. I said I'd be his friend, but he's having a hard time with that. What I'm asking is, do you think there is any hope of remaining friends with him, or should I just break all contact with him completely? Is there any hope for him being able to just be my friend? (I know the majority is no so far).
Last edited by mzjamiedawn; 01-13-2010 at 06:14 PM..
So some of you may remember me asking right after Xmas what I should do with the gifts ....
Well, I broke up with him....
I had never gotten my apt key back from him....
Today I just pretty much lost it. I told him I wanted no contact from him for one week.
Ok, so why have I put up with all this? Because he does have a good side to him. He is sweet. He adores my daughter, and she him. He'd do anything for me. He can be fun to be around, and we love to go dancing together (which he's teaching me). He literally would give me the shirt off his back. He's definitely a giver, ie, massages, lunches, cooks me dinner, pays to have my nails done because he likes them, etc. When he's not lying or cheating (which is big, I know!), he treats me better than a lot of men I've dated.
I think he has a problem with lying, and I think he's, I don't want to say obsessed, but my gf's say so. I feel claustrophobic. If he would just back off, give me space, and chill, I'd love to continue being his friend. I just don't know that he can handle that.
So...I have this next week to decide what to do. Let's hear it. What do ya'll think?
What on earth makes you think that he will give you the space you are asking for? He didn't last week - and you permitted it.
I am hearing lots of warnings in what you have written. His possessiveness, smothering, refusal to return the key, refusal to give you space, checking up on you, and even his "charming and sweet" side. I think he's completely and totally obsessed and not in a harmless way. My belief is that if you continue to allow him into your life in any way, his real side will push through -- it's only a matter of time. I think at the least, he could turn into a stalker. AT THE LEAST - note that I repeated that.
1. Get the key back from him ASAP, without additional warning. If he gives you any kind of stall, then get your locks changed. In fact, I'd ask the LL to let you do that - explain the situation if you have to.
2. AFTER you have new locks (just has to be the key part, not the entire thing), then tell him NO MORE. Break it off with him.
I think you will find out that he will NOT give you the one week with zero contact and I believe that the more you do not have contact with him, the more he will be in your apt and follow you from work to home to picking up daughter, etc. In fact, I would bet that he already does do that.
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, The World!
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I think you need to explore, perhaps with the help of a therapist, why you would stay in a relationship with a man such as the one you have described. He is a liar, manipulator and cheat. I would not be surprised to learn upon further investigation that he has a personality disorder. He seems to share some of the more benign traits of a sociopath. But as I mentioned, the real issue is about you, not him. Surely if you were advising a friend who described such a person you would tell them to run? Run faster. Do not stop.
Perhaps you are drawn to the drama and uncertainty. Certainly men like your friend have their superficial charm but they are unable to provide the building blocks upon which a long term relationship is based. I don't know about your background and the types of adult intimate relationships you have had in the past, but it sounds like you are obsessive and needy and your own psychological issues and damage are clouding the evidence staring you in the face.
Most people consider 'trust' to be one of the essential features of a relationship. They also would also mention 'honesty' and 'communication'. If a person does not tell the truth, unless they are backed into a corner and have no have other option, then there is something seriously wrong. What do you consider to be the important qualities you look for in a partner? Just for the record, dancing, cooked meals and massages are secondary benefits. Most people want and expect their icing to arrive on top of a cake.
It is time to cut this person off. If not for your own sake then for the sake of your child. What are you teaching her in the long run about what women must compromise in exchange for a relationship? As you yourself have stated, you are unable to keep him in your life as a friend because your feelings (which are not healthy) want more from him and therefore allow yourself to get sucked back into the relationship.
Seek help for yourself. Until you have developed insight and the skills to protect yourself from unhealthy men, you should stay single.
Last edited by Lost&Found; 01-13-2010 at 05:35 PM..
Reason: spelling mistakes
I would type out a long reply, but Annie said it for me. (I agree with L&F too.)
You said a few times that you want to be "friends," but why do you want to be his friend? You also said you don't trust him. Why do you want a friend you can't trust? Are you just trying to be nice, or is it about the massages and the nails ... why do you want to be his friend? Friends don't lie and cheat and snoop.
Come right out and tell him to back off! Tell him that you need some space, but before you do, you also need to tell him that in order for the two of you to carry on ANY kind of relationship, he`s gonna have to stop the lying! Let him know that you are onto him, and his doings, and you are tired of it! Explain to him that you will no longer put up with this crap.
What on earth makes you think that he will give you the space you are asking for? He didn't last week - and you permitted it.
I am hearing lots of warnings in what you have written. His possessiveness, smothering, refusal to return the key, refusal to give you space, checking up on you, and even his "charming and sweet" side. I think he's completely and totally obsessed and not in a harmless way. My belief is that if you continue to allow him into your life in any way, his real side will push through -- it's only a matter of time. I think at the least, he could turn into a stalker. AT THE LEAST - note that I repeated that.
1. Get the key back from him ASAP, without additional warning. If he gives you any kind of stall, then get your locks changed. In fact, I'd ask the LL to let you do that - explain the situation if you have to.
2. AFTER you have new locks (just has to be the key part, not the entire thing), then tell him NO MORE. Break it off with him.
I think you will find out that he will NOT give you the one week with zero contact and I believe that the more you do not have contact with him, the more he will be in your apt and follow you from work to home to picking up daughter, etc. In fact, I would bet that he already does do that.
I wish you luck.
I got the key back from him the day he was in my apt without my permission. It's not that he refused to give it to me, I just didn't think to ask for it back.
You're probably right about not giving me the week, esp when I did permit him to come over during the weekend that he wasn't supposed to. That was my fault.
I think you need to explore, perhaps with the help of a therapist, why you would stay in a relationship with a man such as the one you have described. He is a liar, manipulator and cheat. I would not be surprised to learn upon further investigation that he has a personality disorder. He seems to share some of the more benign traits of a sociopath. But as I mentioned, the real issue is about you, not him. Surely if you were advising a friend who described such a person you would tell them to run? Run faster. Do not stop.
I didn't stay in the relationship with him when I found out about his lies. Yes, if a friend told me these things, I'd say stay away from him.
Quote:
Perhaps you are drawn to the drama and uncertainty. Certainly men like your friend have their superficial charm but they are unable to provide the building blocks upon which a long term relationship is based. I don't know about your background and the types of adult intimate relationships you have had in the past, but it sounds like you are obsessive and needy and your own psychological issues and damage are clouding the evidence staring you in the face.
I'm definitely not drawn to drama, as I get enough of that from my friend Julie and it drives me nuts. I was married for 18 years, sowed some wild oats for a couple years, then in a relationship for a year, alone for a while while pregnant and after having baby, then another for 8 months, and then him.
I'd disagree that I'm obsessive, needy maybe, as I'd rather be with a man than alone.
Quote:
Most people consider 'trust' to be one of the essential features of a relationship. They also would also mention 'honesty' and 'communication'. If a person does not tell the truth, unless they are backed into a corner and have no have other option, then there is something seriously wrong. What do you consider to be the important qualities you look for in a partner? Just for the record, dancing, cooked meals and massages are secondary benefits. Most people want and expect their icing to arrive on top of a cake.
It is time to cut this person off. If not for your own sake then for the sake of your child. What are you teaching her in the long run about what women must compromise in exchange for a relationship? As you yourself have stated, you are unable to keep him in your life as a friend because your feelings (which are not healthy) want more from him and therefore allow yourself to get sucked back into the relationship.
Seek help for yourself. Until you have developed insight and the skills to protect yourself from unhealthy men, you should stay single.
You're absolutely right concerning trust. I don't see that I've said I want more from him. I have said I want to remain his friend. He wants more from me.
I would type out a long reply, but Annie said it for me. (I agree with L&F too.)
You said a few times that you want to be "friends," but why do you want to be his friend? You also said you don't trust him. Why do you want a friend you can't trust? Are you just trying to be nice, or is it about the massages and the nails ... why do you want to be his friend? Friends don't lie and cheat and snoop.
I think it's both. I think I'm too nice, and I do like the massages and the nails, and the dancing, and the game nights, etc. But you are right, friends don't lie, cheat, and snoop.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313
Come right out and tell him to back off! Tell him that you need some space, but before you do, you also need to tell him that in order for the two of you to carry on ANY kind of relationship, he`s gonna have to stop the lying! Let him know that you are onto him, and his doings, and you are tired of it! Explain to him that you will no longer put up with this crap.
I've told him many times. Told him I need space, and he has to stop lying. He knows everything I know about him. I've given him two chances now, and I'm just tired.
I really don't want to hurt him, which is why I hoped we could remain friends. I was falling in love with him before all of the lies started. But now I know I can never trust him enough to have a romantic relationship with him, and it's looking like we can't even be friends either.
Not only is he a stalker, he is pathological liar and perhaps even a sociopath.
For the sake of your children (since you don't have enough respect for yourself ) cease all contact with him.
No, not even friends, do not be his friend, he is not friend material. You have managed to live your life without him before. Get a grip on yourself and move on.
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