Question for Guys - Rape (how to, man, American, personality)
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You've had this conversation with every man you know? Even if you did, and they all claimed not to have a problem with it, some are lying to you.
No, I have not. But I have had enough discussions in various areas to know that they are not the type would see her as rubbish over something she did not cause or have any control over.
Have YOU had this conversation with every man I know?
I still wouldn't have discussed it with you. And my opinion isn't merely academic. But I'm different than many people; I am not a believer of today's society in which dirty laundry is run up the local flag pole.
I agree as well. I would never disclose something like that on a date or even if it was a close relationship. Having worked with abuse victims, very few men can handle the burden, and even women friends will treat you differently once they know something like that. So I don't think there is any social, emotional, or mental worth disclosing and discussing something that is so personal and private. That is what therapy with privacy laws-- fully enfoced naturally--are for.
Suppose a man has been dating a woman for a while and tells her "you know I got beat up once real bad", she says "were you drunk", no, "did they grab you from behind , sucker punch you, or was it more than one guy"... "no it was a fair fight I got the crap beat out of me though"
so maybe she thinks he's not as macho and masculine as I thought
Is it unreasonable for her to rethink her relationship with guy who got beat up or should she take the high road and assume it is not uncommon for a guy to get over powered and lose fight.
I think its the same thing , it deals with her image of a mans masculinity and his ability to protect her. maybe he is damaged goods?
If you found out that the woman you are dating was gang raped when she was younger, would it change your feelings towards her. I know a lot of guys say it doesn't matter but deep down, I think it does matter to most men.
No.
What I would do, however, is to get to know her very well, and this would mean that I would absolutely need to know how far she's come from that ordeal.
I have known women who were:
- raped
- sexually molested
- physically beaten and verbally abused (in short, battered women)
and as of this very moment, I can say that ONLY ONE of them had truly overcome what they had faced as young girls when I knew them. The one who stands out right now stands out in large part because when I first met her (early 1990s) she was always a cheerful, happy, and optimistic person. She was (and still is) the type of person that no one would ever imagine to have experienced such trauma. She didn't bury the scars - she dealt with them somehow and overcame them.
I cannot for a moment dare to imagine the pain, shame, anger, fear, embarrassment, humiliation, and sense of powerlessness and vulnerability a woman is forced to face if she is raped. And as bad as this is, it's probably even worse if it happens when a woman is a child or a very young girl because the vulnerability is even greater, and childhood memories can be extremely painful as well as difficult to overcome. In fact, I'd say all of us have had something from childhood, whether happy or hurtful, that we still remember extremely well.
One young woman I know, who is in her early 20s and is extremely attractive, was sexually molested. She still struggles w/ her self-image and is very insecure. Based on her looks alone she is the last woman I would ever imagine to bear insecurities on her looks. But she does. And I dare say that a reason she's been with more guys than she'd like to admit was that her earlier experience warped her understanding of healthy male affection, and she also didn't learn that she had the right to say "no" when she could have.
Another woman who is now in her late 30s was extremely angry when I met her, also in the early 1990s. She was very tough externally and very cold and there was a switch-like self-defense mechanism in her personality. She was aggressively assertive and despite being petite, she had no fear to fight any men. Now she's a mother and last I heard, she was doing well. But back in college, she still bore the scars of her earlier ordeal: she'd been repeatedly raped when she was a young child.
Still another woman, today in her early 30s, once had an extremely abusive boyfriend. I do not know whether this woman also faced rape or molestation as a child, but I do know that this woman, while very attractive and apparently stable as an adult, has some issues. I myself once wanted to ask her out, but a female acquaintance who knows her well advised me not to do so because she is "complex" and I knew right then that these complexities stemmed from emotional abuse she had borne thanks to her ex-boyfriend. This woman, in fact, openly said within earshot that she still, to this day, struggles w/ "fear of men."
So, no, I would not hesitate dating a victim of rape, even of gang rape. I'd do all I could to embrace her and to help her overcome, whether it meant listening, providing a shoulder for her to cry on, or to help her overcome any hesitations she may have to seek professional counseling if it were needed. But if she struggled with it to the point it interfered in our relationship, I'd struggle with it. And I'd have to be careful not to burn in rage and fury because if I were to ever find even one of them perpetrators, I'd be tempted to kill him with my bare hands.
Rapists: cowards who deserve to be sentenced to death.
I would never disclose something like that on a date or even if it was a close relationship. Having worked with abuse victims, very few men can handle the burden, and even women friends will treat you differently once they know something like that. So I don't think there is any social, emotional, or mental worth disclosing and discussing something that is so personal and private. That is what therapy with privacy laws-- fully enfoced naturally--are for.
I agree. I would think that rape is such an intensely private matter that you don't disclose it to anyone (except, perhaps the police and a therapist) -- not even to a husband. Americans have the most absurd tendency to talk things to death; and the idea that the best way to deal with something as traumatic as rape is to disclose it to everyone who is close to you and maybe a few people who aren't. I don't see any value in that. It's not just that people will treat you differently -- but you also end up repeating the story over and over, answering the same stupid questions, receiving the same stupid pity, etc. I am convinced -- though I am in a minority in this society -- that the best way to overcome something like this IS to bottle it up and lock it away. From everyone.
If you found out that the woman you are dating was gang raped when she was younger, would it change your feelings towards her. I know a lot of guys say it doesn't matter but deep down, I think it does matter to most men.
I dated a girl for 3 years. She told me that she had been raped about 1 year into it.
A person is the sum of the events that have happened to them so I can't say that it didn't change the way that I felt about her at all. It helped me to understand a lot of things about her that I couldn't understand otherwise.
Other than that I can't add anything that Sprawling didn't already state very emphatically.
I would want my significant other to know something like that. To hide it would be like me hiding a part of me that he should accept. If he doesn't accept a part of me, I would know he is not the right man for me. And that's not really a loss. Because it would give me the chance to find the right man for me. Hiding it, would just make it seem like I am not good enough for him. Like I am beneath him in some way. So, hell yeah I would tell him everything, if the problem existed. He would have to take me as I am with all my past and abuse, or he can just go scr*w himself.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MontanaGuy
The question sort of sounds like a woman is damaged goods if she suffered the misfortune to have been raped which also seems to penalize her for a crime in which she was the victim. I'm not quite sure what the OP is really getting at. As far as I'm concerned it wouldn't be an issue for me at all and I would be interested in the qualities that might make us compatible as a couple as opposed to any crimes that had been committed against her in the past.
The damage, I would think, would be more up in the head than anywhere else. I'm thinking emotional baggage. It wouldn't stop me, but I've met some women who have after they've been raped are like a completely different person; it's like it gives them an excuse to hold a grudge against the world. If she could at least get on with her life than I don't see a problem with it.
I would want my significant other to know something like that. To hide it would be like me hiding a part of me that he should accept. If he doesn't accept a part of me, I would know he is not the right man for me. And that's not really a loss. Because it would give me the chance to find the right man for me. Hiding it, would just make it seem like I am not good enough for him. Like I am beneath him in some way. So, hell yeah I would tell him everything, if the problem existed. He would have to take me as I am with all my past and abuse, or he can just go scr*w himself.
I like this ^
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