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And what is the leading cause of divorce? "I just didn't enjoy sex with them anymore - so I went elsewhere".
No, you never really did enjoy sex with them because you lacked the necessary compatibility.
I don’t disagree with your other points, but I think this misses the mark. Among other things, there are plenty of people (cishet men in particular) who have sexual compatibility with their partners when they’re both young but lose attraction for their partners as they age because they still desire a youthful sexual companion.
I do not condone this shallow and hypocritical mindset. I also don’t understand it beyond unfettered lust. I’m a cishet man in my mid-thirties, and if my marriage fell apart tomorrow, I couldn’t imagine dating a woman in her late teens or early twenties. I just wouldn’t have the patience.
I don’t disagree with your other points, but I think this misses the mark. Among other things, there are plenty of people (cishet men in particular) who have sexual compatibility with their partners when they’re both young but lose attraction for their partners as they age because they still desire a youthful sexual companion.
I do not condone this shallow and hypocritical mindset. I also don’t understand it beyond unfettered lust. I’m a cishet man in my mid-thirties, and if my marriage fell apart tomorrow, I couldn’t imagine dating a woman in her late teens or early twenties. I just wouldn’t have the patience.
Come to think of it...
I can't recall a single time when anyone who had sex with someone ONCE that said that they didn't have sex with them again because of "sexual incompatibility."
I'm sure there are a few out there, but that's just it...there are few.
I can't recall a single time when anyone who had sex with someone ONCE that said that they didn't have sex with them again because of "sexual incompatibility."
I'm sure there are a few out there, but that's just it...there are few.
This first begs the question of how often are you discussing sex in general?
That said, I do think most people of matching orientations are broadly sexually compatible and, to the extent there may not be a perfect initial match, this can be resolved with minor tweaks through open and honest communication.
But there definitely are people who are simply incompatible from a sexual perspective. And when that falls flat, it falls flat hard.
You are denying science. First, addictions are not 'personal choices'. And the 'desire to please', while a sweet, romantic notion, denies the reality that sexual compatibility IS complicated. It occurs deep inside the brain, where unconscious calculations are made. Often, we are not even aware of those calculations. Smell, taste, how they touch you, how you respond to that touch - and what is it about them that MAKES you want to please them...
Most of us know that woman who ends up with a man that abuses her, either physically or emotionally. We call her out on it, and her response is always - "I know, but there's just something about him..."
That 'something' is typically the fact that her father abused her as a child, and children will crave whatever type of 'love' they think they are worth. So if she manages to end that relationship, we see her months later and there she is - with another man that abuses her. The subconscious mind is not something to screw around with. And that's where sexual compatibility resides - not in some simplistic desire to please someone. You're either attracted to them on all the necessary levels to sustain a marriage or you are not. Denying the critical role of sex is just a formula for failure. And what is the leading cause of divorce? "I just didn't enjoy sex with them anymore - so I went elsewhere".
No, you never really did enjoy sex with them because you lacked the necessary compatibility.
Addiction is not a personal choice as the habit is often formed due to dependence, sickness, mental health issues. But to stay addicted when recovery options are available is a choice. Addiction to sex, i have no idea. As long as one does not try to rape anyone, keep it. No addiction is good for a marriage.
Sexual expression is natural and so is the desire to please. One can complicate everything, and that too is a choice.
There are many things about us, the world, about spirituality that we do not know. We have the capacity to deal with what we may not fully understand in healthy way or unhealthy ways.
An abuser is not the one from whom one seeks sexual compatibility with. If so that person needs help, not sex.
Sex is not the leading cause of divorce. Failure of human relationship is, the absence of desire to please is. That cannot be solved with great sex.
I don’t disagree with your other points, but I think this misses the mark. Among other things, there are plenty of people (cishet men in particular) who have sexual compatibility with their partners when they’re both young but lose attraction for their partners as they age because they still desire a youthful sexual companion.
I do not condone this shallow and hypocritical mindset. I also don’t understand it beyond unfettered lust. I’m a cishet man in my mid-thirties, and if my marriage fell apart tomorrow, I couldn’t imagine dating a woman in her late teens or early twenties. I just wouldn’t have the patience.
Most humans see a reduction in their sexual attraction as they age. It's not a reason to avoid seeking the same high level of compatibility in their sexuality as they do in the other pillars of a relationship - Trust, Spirituality, Worldview, concepts of child rearing, finances, etc.
And lust is a very positive trait in a relationship. It can facilitate the bonding process, and enhance communication. If you know a lot of people that cast their partner aside for someone younger, you should probably seek to improve the maturity of your peer group. The loss of sexual attraction as people get older typically is mitigated by the increased bonding experienced in the other facets of the relationship.
I can't recall a single time when anyone who had sex with someone ONCE that said that they didn't have sex with them again because of "sexual incompatibility."
I'm sure there are a few out there, but that's just it...there are few.
You probably do not have much formal experience in human sexuality. I spent a decade of my life as a sex educator, which involved relationship counseling as well as working as an STD Investigator and I can assure that people that have had one time sex are legion.
You probably do not have much formal experience in human sexuality.
Read what I wrote again....
Quote:
I spent a decade of my life as a sex educator, which involved relationship counseling as well as working as an STD Investigator and I can assure that people that have had one time sex are legion.
Addiction is not a personal choice as the habit is often formed due to dependence, sickness, mental health issues. But to stay addicted when recovery options are available is a choice. Addiction to sex, i have no idea. As long as one does not try to rape anyone, keep it. No addiction is good for a marriage.
Sexual expression is natural and so is the desire to please. One can complicate everything, and that too is a choice.
There are many things about us, the world, about spirituality that we do not know. We have the capacity to deal with what we may not fully understand in healthy way or unhealthy ways.
An abuser is not the one from whom one seeks sexual compatibility with. If so that person needs help, not sex.
Sex is not the leading cause of divorce. Failure of human relationship is, the absence of desire to please is. That cannot be solved with great sex.
I haven't seen anyone even imply that sex is the leading cause of divorce. But it's naïve not to recognize the correlation between a bad sexual relationship and divorce. As mentioned elsewhere, I have an actual formal education in human sexuality and relationship counseling. The data is clear that infidelity is always one of the 3 main causes of divorce. And while it is sometimes the case that the infidelity was not a function of sexual incompatibility - it is very much often the case.
It still reads to me - although the sentence structure is awkward - that you don't know anyone that had sex with a person one time, and then never had sex with them again because of incompatibility.
I haven't seen anyone even imply that sex is the leading cause of divorce. But it's naïve not to recognize the correlation between a bad sexual relationship and divorce. As mentioned elsewhere, I have an actual formal education in human sexuality and relationship counseling. The data is clear that infidelity is always one of the 3 main causes of divorce. And while it is sometimes the case that the infidelity was not a function of sexual incompatibility - it is very much often the case.
No one did other than you. Words are cast in stone on the internet.
Quote:
And what is the leading cause of divorce? "I just didn't enjoy sex with them anymore - so I went elsewhere".
Your exact words quoted back to you. You are welcome.
Correlation is not causation. Sex is not the leading cause. Relationship failure is, for whatever reason. Repeating sex is does not make it true.
Infidelity is a failure of character, a leading cause of failure of relationship. Not just in marriage, in any relationship lack of character will lead to failure. Dismissal in jobs.
Last edited by cb2008; 03-16-2023 at 05:30 AM..
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Read what I wrote again.... 
