Men and Women retiring alone to a new city/state -- where will you go and why? (divorce, moving)

[RiverBird]

Originally Posted by artangel

Does anyone else ever feel that way? Like no matter how hard you try you just aren't ever gonna make it happen? Well.......I haven't exhausted all possibilities yet. I have more avenues to look into. I've hid under the covers for a few days---time now to start trying again! And once in a great while I may allow myself to think wistfully of feeling "safe" because someone loves me and "has my back". Just as long as I don't actually expect that wish to come true.............

Thanks for allowing me to sound off. I'm glad i found this place of respite, of encouragement, and of understanding.........of "sisterhood" at it's best! Thank you all.

You must've written this for me. I've been trying to make a change for over 5 years. It was complicated by a health problem (vascular) getting worse each year, something totally unexpected b/c I take excellent care of myself with only the best whole foods and supplements (top of my budget), etc. I would love to live a more rugged life somewhere but I feel I need to stay closer to two of my kids who are here. Plus, in reality I don't really have the means to risk moving somewhere where I may have to move back from due to health, aging, or loneliness. So I've stayed where I am, marvelling at the wonderful stories on this thread. I do not feel brave, I feel like a wus for not following through on all my relocation investigations. I feel so fed up at times I too want to throw in the towel. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and wonder who I am and where I'm going....all while getting older. I am grateful to be an artist and writer otherwise I'd feel, even with my cherished kids (too busy for me, by the way) totally useless! Finding meaning each day in older years does not come so naturally to some, and it could be b/c these people me included think too much and need to lighten up...

[Umbria]

Latashia - I really recommend reading a book by Dr Daniel Amen - "Change Your Brain, Change Your Body". I liked it so much that after I returned it to the library, I ordered my own copy from Amazon (only about $12 -$13).

He discusses what supplemets one should take to improve their brain which will make you feel better overall, weight loss, and also what a brain looks like (same person) that has a lot stress and negative thoughts versus one that does not. He also discusses how all these "bad" things we do to our brains can lead to dementia and alzheimers.

I wanted my own copy because I think it's something you want to read and reread as a reminder.

His web site : wwwAmenClinics.com has great articles as well. He's been on our PBS station - cute guy! Love someone with a sense of humor

I finally ordered a new vacuum (a Dyson Animal Ball!!!!) and am a vacuuming fool - even the dogs run when they see me Great investment.

Cheer up!! Get that book!!!!!!!

[Wisteria]

Umbria -- great post -- thanks!

For me, one thing I am doing – and I never thought I would – is to rid myself of toxic relationships/friendships. As a natural-born caretaker, I did take on too many problems of others – only later in life did I realize the damage it did to me, not them…..

I spoke with an old friend from high school the other night, and we had grown apart then merged again, but speaking with her, I realized that she just is not an aware person. I felt like I was back in eleventh grade again! As the conversation got stranger, I just, in my head, said, "Well, now I see why I cannot be close to her again – she has never matured." It was an interesting recognition.

So, in addition to finding new people to hang out with, I am also purging toxic relationships. As I age, I realize it is not worth it to be around people who are destructive to you (that includes some family).

I am focusing on getting my house in order, and then I will get a good drawing table for art, and start making my own art, rather than teaching it (which I did for 30 years). This time, I will be taking classes instead of teaching them. I always noticed that in my art classes (which were predominately older women students) that many would be exchanging phone numbers and meeting for dinner before or coffee afterwards. Because I was the teacher, I had this invisible barrier to me, plus I couldn't interact on a friendship basis while teaching. So, I am retiring from teaching art, and will start doing my own art.

I also hope to get back into writing – I do have a book which I want to pull together (non-fiction), and we'll see how that goes – that's a bit more ambitious than artwork, so I'm not sure what to expect.

I also plan to take more "fun" classes. I have registered at the local community college for a Spanish class (I need some brushing up, for sure) this fall semester, but I am rethinking that and might just drop it and add something a little more "fun" for me. If I do go back to Spain with my daughter, she is already bilingual, so I'll let her be my translator!!

I do think that this is a time to rearrange our thinking, to accept that aging is another process of life, and that we sometimes need to get rid of some things to make room for others. Although I am highly sensitive, I also am very logical – a weird combination.

I'm not keen on aging, but it is what it is….as my dad would say, "It's better than the alternative!" True!

My opinion is that we may need to adjust not only our lifestyles, but, as Latashia (and Umbria) said, our thinking patterns. Here's to new beginnings!!

[RiverBird]

Originally Posted by Wisteria

Umbria -- great post -- thanks!

For me, one thing I am doing – and I never thought I would – is to rid myself of toxic relationships/friendships. As a natural-born caretaker, I did take on too many problems of others – only later in life did I realize the damage it did to me, not them…..

Yes, Umbria, thanks for the book. I take an array of great supplements for the brain, and generally keep myself busy with art, design and writing for as long as I can sit. I'm generally upbeat,but did want to let ArtsAngel know that she is not alone when she feels despair sometimes. When I as in the workforce for over 40 yrs and taking care of a large family at the same time, I never had time to think. It was do, do, do, and do some more. At forced retirement it has been a shock--where is everyone in my life who needed me, including my (late) mother who made everyone miserable but who I actually miss more and more???? It was the caretaking gene at work all those years. Now, just me...and some kids too busy to see me much. No matter how many supplements you take, they don't cure a good dose of loneliness!

Now Wisteria, as for toxic relationships...you've hit a nerve there. I have a smaller group of friends now that I'm retired, but two of these relationships are draining (they are completely self-centered persons). I find myself reluctant to let go completely...don't want to paint myself into a corner! But I know these two so called friendships are farces, I give soooooo much more than I receive. Is it better to be a bit more "alone" and to drop false friends? I know this is the subject of another thread, but maybe we could stretch this one enough that it relates to "women retiring alone"!

[Umbria]

Wisteria - I also have slowly been ridding myself of toxic people over the last 5 or so years. It was quite by chance that one day I started not picking up calls from some of these people and wouldn't you know, I started feeling better and better. Then I'd get weak and answer the phone and be right back where I was.

I really think my guardian angel was watching over me because I had a dream one night and to sum it up: You idiot, when are you going to finally get it? If you feel better and better the longer you have no communication with these people (some family, some old friends), why don't you just stop ALL communication with them????? Time to take out the trash. I did and I don't regret it. They didn't like it at all - it had become their only source of entertainment (sick). They retaliated in many different ways and the more they did, the more I ignored them. They finally got the picture (I think).

Sounds like you have a great plan! I wondered about your art teaching - whether you were still doing it.

I agree - here's to new beginnings!http://bestsmileys.com/dancing/14.gif (broken link)

[Wisteria]

Latashia: Now Wisteria, as for toxic relationships...you've hit a nerve there. I have a smaller group of friends now that I'm retired, but two of these relationships are draining (they are completely self-centered persons). I find myself reluctant to let go completely...don't want to paint myself into a corner! But I know these two so called friendships are farces, I give soooooo much more than I receive. Is it better to be a bit more "alone" and to drop false friends? I know this is the subject of another thread, but maybe we could stretch this one enough that it relates to "women retiring alone"!

Of course it relates to retiring alone! Part of the process is who becomes a friend? With whom do you hang out?? "False friends," I know too well. YES, drop them – and then take a class or volunteer for free someplace. What you're describing is "enabling," and that is feeding into those false friendships. Once you let go of them, you'll find more time on your hands, and as long as you stay away, then you will begin to fill that time with other people -- better people.

This doesn't mean we don't help a friend out or anything, but what it does mean is that we expect to get something back, too. That is what is important. I am tired of being the one who "does" the work, and someone else benefits. You shouldn't be afraid to let go. Umbria makes very good points – she felt better. That's your gauge. As she said, some may fight back – but so what? There is just no point in wasting what you have left of life trying to either fight with someone or being totally drained or even abused by them. This is the end game – it is time to see things differently. I only wish I had seen it differently decades ago!!

Umbria: I really think my guardian angel was watching over me because I had a dream one night and to sum it up: You idiot, when are you going to finally get it? If you feel better and better the longer you have no communication with these people (some family, some old friends), why don't you just stop ALL communication with them????? Time to take out the trash. I did and I don't regret it. They didn't like it at all - it had become their only source of entertainment (sick). They retaliated in many different ways and the more they did, the more I ignored them. They finally got the picture (I think).

I wondered about your art teaching - whether you were still doing it.

I have been asked to continue teaching – I haven't formally told them I won't – there's an option for me to do it in the Spring again, but I'm not sure I will. It's not worth the money, and I've taught well over 2,000 people how to do this and I think it's time to let go. I have fun once I'm there, but I'm at a point where I need some "me" time. And that means letting someone else be the teacher and I get to be the student and mingle in the class!

I know I served many people well, and I'm proud of it….but I could teach until I dropped dead, and, frankly, I want some time for myself. In a way I will miss it, but on the other hand it opens up more time frames for me, and it's just time to move on. I remember a watercolor teacher to whom I used to refer students, and one day she said that she was "tired of teaching," and quit -- I couldn't understand it. Now that I look back, I realize she was the age I am now! Now it makes sense to me. I'm more tired, I see that it could go on forever, but I'm not getting the joy out of it that I used to, and I get no benefits because it's not a full-time job. It's just time.

Umbria, it's interesting how our dreams can give us that final shove! You had the strength to get rid of the trash, and now you have a clean house – especially with that new Dyson vacuum!!

[Windwalker2]

I came to the conclusion that I would not be able to sell my house now, for anything near what it cost to build, which I needed to get to build another one in Colorado where I wanted to move. I have special needs due to my chemical injury disability and am unlikely to ever find an existing house I can live in.

Given that I'm already in my mid-sixties, and the housing market here looks very grim, I'm not sure I will ever be able to relocate to another state. The best I can hope for might be to move closer to services here.

For a while, I felt really down about this, after spending so much time figuring out where to move, looking at land, etc. Everything got worse when a dog I was really close to died suddenly in March.

However, after grieving all of this for several months, I finally decided I needed to find a way to make living here work better for me. Most likely I'll get a puppy in the winter and we will do some kind of dog sport together. That will be a way to make new friends, and I will have something fun to do.

I can't say I've totally given up on moving. Maybe one day it will happen. In the meantime, I'm working on re-creating my life here.

[Umbria]

This is from Elston of the Open House fourm. Just had to share it here (I'm sure it must have something to do with this thread):

Tired Dog
Elston
"An older, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The homeowner could tell from the dog's collar and well fed belly that he had a home.

The dog calmly approached the man, who gave him a few pats on the head. The dog followed the man into the house, down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later he went to the door and the man let him out.

The next day the dog returned, greeted the man, resumed his position in the hall, and slept an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious the man pinned a note to the dog's collar. "I'd like to find out who the owner of this wonderful dog is. Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar.............."He lives in a home with six children, two under the age of three--he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come tomorrow?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You all really should join that thread - lots of good, fun people. You'd be most welcome!!

[TRosa]

I don't have much to add at the moment, just that you all continue to enforce my good thoughts and great wishes for you all to find happiness; be it in a new location or in the place you already call home. Not everyone has to change locations to not be stagnant.

For those that wondered if I'd gone off the deep end with the earlier post; it was just a response to some nameless person that decided to reprimand me for my usage of Cali instead of CA for California. Telling me Cali was a city in Columbia, so I should stick with using CA if I must use an abreviated version. I have nothing but warm fuzzy wishes for that person. Thank, you for edumacating me.

OK, back to being a grown up. I am happy everyone continues to share their stories, I think we all learn so much from the exchanges.

[Windwalker2]

I'm curious as to what the adventuresome women on this forum consider to be the cutoff age for a major move to a new place?

I have asked some friends about this, mostly in their 60's, and many feel it's already too late, that they are too settled and comfortable where they are.

When I say I was thinking about 70 for me, they can't believe I would even consider doing it then. Actually, I think maybe even older than 70 would be OK, as long as I am healthy enough to make the move and then have energy enough to find new friends.