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Old people have been made fun of for as long as I can remember. Most of it reflects changing lifestyles, and I don't speak of the " kids" as having anything to do with it. The bulk of us Seniors make their own bed to lay in, don't blame the kids. Remember, we are the same people OUR parents warned US about so long ago ! I say that a lot of aging, blue hairs, become stuck in a time warp , eat supper at 5:00 in the afternoon and still wear double nit cloths, white belts and white socks ( with shorts too ugh! ). They spending most of their day complaining about all the aches and pains, as if those are a result of razing these ungrateful kids, who engage in palming off the grand kids to grand pa and grand ma as glorified baby sitters who are always there , have nothing important to do . All they talk about is the " good old days" , they fall down a lot, can't contribute to any conversation because of hearing problems, and demand they keep driving that old giant Caddy with all the scraped, dented fenders from hitting the sides of the narrow garage, that should have been replaced long ago.
Wow, your perceptions of people older than you, is at least 20- 30 years out of date. I'd be glad to debate you, but that would begin high jacking the OP's original thread, there better places on City Data for that debate. You make no arguable points for or against estrangement, especially when you use 30 year old stereotypical insults.
Wow, your perceptions of people older than you, is at least 20- 30 years out of date. I'd be glad to debate you, but that would begin high jacking the OP's original thread, there better places on City Data for that debate. You make no arguable points for or against estrangement, especially when you use 30 year old stereotypical insults.
There is no debate, I am reflecting thoughts I saw and had personal experience with myself. At 73 I am now one of those people who changed after retirement.. I remember not giving due respect to my elders, now for most of us the chickens have come to roost, we are the people WE talked about 30 years ago. It has everything to do with the topic and how seniors can get along with their offspring.
Estrangement is too complicated and too painful to be reduced to some kumbaya-type sound bite.
The title of this thread is "Retirees who are estranged from their adult children."
It's not about "beautiful love" or "non-beautiful love." It's about OLDER FOLKS WHO LOVED THEIR CHILDREN UNCONDITIONALLY FOR A LIFETIME, and in return, they were abandoned and/or abused by those children.
Estrangement by an adult child is one of the most painful experiences we'll know in this human experience. There's nothing simple or easy about it.
A story to make a point...
The most beautiful love I've experienced from another person came from my maternal grandmother. When I became a teenager, I can't rightly recall how I learned but I learned that my grandfather, her husband, had been unfaithful. So I simply asked her about it. She acknowledged that that was true, and it was very obvious that decades later the pain she felt was still very real and deep. So I asked my grandfather if it was true, and he too acknowledged it and tried brushing it away. I insisted that he had to apologize to my grandmother. It took years before he finally did. Now, an important point. My grandparents always ALWAYS A.L.W.A.Y.S. for as long as I knew them, they bickered and quarreled. In time I came to understand and believe that it was due to my grandmother's pain for her husband's unfaithfulness.
The years passed, my grandfather continued to drag his feet about apologizing to my grandmother for his sexual infidelity, and I continued to pester him. The time came when my grandmother had a stroke, was left paralyzed on either her left or her right side, I don't rightly recall, and during those first few days afterward while being treated in the hospital, the doctors informed our family that my grandmother would require a feeding tube or she would starve to death, but they couldn't put one in without permission from "the family." The family decided to leave the decision to my grandmother, she chose not to have it because she preferred to die with dignity, and we all agreed to support her. At the last moment, my grandfather unbeknownst to anyone authorized a feeding tube.
And so my grandmother lived for a number of years after being half paralyzed, and all the difficulties and indignities that caused. And after many years, my continual pestering of my grandfather to apologize to my beautiful grandmother for his unfaithfulness paid off, and he did so. I was there, I witnessed it. And my beautiful grandmother died shortly thereafter. My grandfather lived a number of years beyond her death, and he would have moments of spontaneously bursting out into tears and carrying on about what a wonderful life they had had together. And it was all a fraud, because all I had ever seen them do was quarrel.
The point being that memory can be damn selective. And what one insists is so may or may not actually be so.
LOVING THEM UNCONDITIONALLY FOR A LIFETIME is hard for me to believe as the source of estrangement. But that's just me.
I've shared what was on my heart and my own experience(s). As has been said above, good luck.
One more thing that I wish I didn't have to say, but may actually be of value to some...
My parent's love drove me to suicide. Only a miracle saved my life.
Estrangement. What a sweet and delightful experience. So for those of you suffering from estrangement, perhaps that burden is still significantly lighter than suicide.
There is no debate, I am reflecting thoughts I saw and had personal experience with myself. At 73 I am now one of those people who changed after retirement.. I remember not giving due respect to my elders, now for most of us the chickens have come to roost, we are the people WE talked about 30 years ago. It has everything to do with the topic and how seniors can get along with their offspring.
How did you change? By being one of those stereotypes that you remember? That's not a destiny, thats a choice, I've known relatively old 60 year olds and spritely and young 80 year olds. How that change effects your relationship with children or other family members probably has far less to do with age or what you eat, or wear, or the time you go to bed, and more to do with complicated family dynamics.
How did you change? By being one of those stereotypes that you remember? That's not a destiny, thats a choice, I've known relatively old 60 year olds and spritely and young 80 year olds. How that change effects your relationship with children or other family members probably has far less to do with age or what you eat, or wear, or the time you go to bed, and more to do with complicated family dynamics.
Specifically I recall when I was 40 and living in Florida. I do remember complaints about old people, I wanted to be around folks my own age . Thats where the great divide comes in and how it can effect a relationship . It's not the only factor, I never said it was.
One more thing that I wish I didn't have to say, but may actually be of value to some...
My parent's love drove me to suicide. Only a miracle saved my life.
Estrangement. What a sweet and delightful experience. So for those of you suffering from estrangement, perhaps that burden is still significantly lighter than suicide.
No one's love can drive a person to suicide. What a contrived excuse for walking away. Suicide is an attention-getting coward's message, it says 'I'll Show You' but hey! You lived but found another way to hurt your parents. Good for you!
No one's love can drive a person to suicide. What a contrived excuse for walking away. Suicide is an attention-getting coward's message, it says 'I'll Show You' but hey! You lived but found another way to hurt your parents. Good for you!
Not always so, it can be a call for help. That's the problem , no one cares, people feel lost, and just give up. It does not have to be, if more people cared and there was someplace they can go for help
The most beautiful love I've experienced from another person came from my maternal grandmother. When I became a teenager, I can't rightly recall how I learned but I learned that my grandfather, her husband, had been unfaithful. So I simply asked her about it. She acknowledged that that was true, and it was very obvious that decades later the pain she felt was still very real and deep. So I asked my grandfather if it was true, and he too acknowledged it and tried brushing it away. I insisted that he had to apologize to my grandmother. It took years before he finally did. Now, an important point. My grandparents always ALWAYS A.L.W.A.Y.S. for as long as I knew them, they bickered and quarreled. In time I came to understand and believe that it was due to my grandmother's pain for her husband's unfaithfulness.
The years passed, my grandfather continued to drag his feet about apologizing to my grandmother for his sexual infidelity, and I continued to pester him. The time came when my grandmother had a stroke, was left paralyzed on either her left or her right side, I don't rightly recall, and during those first few days afterward while being treated in the hospital, the doctors informed our family that my grandmother would require a feeding tube or she would starve to death, but they couldn't put one in without permission from "the family." The family decided to leave the decision to my grandmother, she chose not to have it because she preferred to die with dignity, and we all agreed to support her. At the last moment, my grandfather unbeknownst to anyone authorized a feeding tube.
And so my grandmother lived for a number of years after being half paralyzed, and all the difficulties and indignities that caused. And after many years, my continual pestering of my grandfather to apologize to my beautiful grandmother for his unfaithfulness paid off, and he did so. I was there, I witnessed it. And my beautiful grandmother died shortly thereafter. My grandfather lived a number of years beyond her death, and he would have moments of spontaneously bursting out into tears and carrying on about what a wonderful life they had had together. And it was all a fraud, because all I had ever seen them do was quarrel.
The point being that memory can be damn selective. And what one insists is so may or may not actually be so.
LOVING THEM UNCONDITIONALLY FOR A LIFETIME is hard for me to believe as the source of estrangement. But that's just me.
I've shared what was on my heart and my own experience(s). As has been said above, good luck.
I just want to mention that your grandparents might have had a happier marriage than you thought, especially if you weren't with them all the time. And, your grandfather might have been missing the bickering they did. It might have been the way they communicated.
There are always multiple sides to every story.
That your parents' love was a terrible burden to you is very sad. I am glad you did not kill yourself. It would have been a terrible waste. I trust that you decided to break the cycle of terrible parenting in your own life.
I don't think most of the posters in this thread feel that loving their kids unconditionally is what drove them apart. At least some of the posters wonder what went wrong, and others blame themselves. But many of the posters here have stated that they continue to love their children unconditionally, in spite of estrangement.
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