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Sorry to hear of your pain. I will pray for you.
I don't know how to even bring this up but your post is really odd to me. These are just hypothetical questions to consider, you owe me nothing of course. But if you and your child are not getting along, why invite her to lunch so you can discuss any money you might or do, want to give her after your death? Why would anyone, even in the best of situations, put their child in such a pedicament? Is it a trick to see if she will suddenly be nice to you then you can blame her for only being nice to you to get money?? Because this is BIZARRE and really mean to do to someone. Obviously if she suddenly was nice to you, it would be weird and even weirder you set up such a scenario. I mean talk about methodical. You don't think she sees the double edged sword here?
I am struggling to find any reason why you do not act like a normal person and just will your $$ to your daughter because you care. Try simply doing what 90% of the world does with their kids. Simply will your money to your kids without their input. Give that gift.
I told my son we were going to give him 50K towards buying a home. We've had a rocky relationship lately also.... but no way would I put him on the hot seat mentioning my will and "discussing it with him" asking him out to lunch. ESPECIALLY If I felt as you do, that I'd likely get kicked in the teeth normally so why the manipulation?? We both know if he is nice to me after treating me like dirt then that would be weird eh?? I mean this is BIZARRE.
Whatever you do, just act like a normal person. Normal people just will money to their children. Don't make a thing of it. It is what all half way decent parents do. Just do it. You are nothing special for doing it and neither am I. Just leave your child money BECAUSE you love them. No need to even mention it but if you must, just send a postcard letting her know you will be leaving her money and expect nothing in return. And tell her will never mention it again. Let her know you are praying for your grandson and the entire family. Just my humble opinion if you want to turn things around. No matter what, I wish you the best and am sorry things are not good right now. I apologize if it comes off as harsh, I have not read any of your posts that I can recall.
Nancy, I do not owe you an explanation but I felt I would sit down and reply to you. I can assure you I am very normal. I have some "things" that I would like to leave to my daughter. I wanted to talk to her about this. I also wanted to let her know what we were doing. You see, I have a brother who married a horrible woman. This horrible woman took advantage of our mother after our mother had her 2nd leg amputated. Our mother was on a lot of Morphine when she was discharged from hospital. This HORRIBLE sister-in-law brought in another attorney and got our mother to change her WILL. Everything was left to this HORRIBLE woman and my brother. My brother is a spineless person who has no backbone. He went along with everything. When our MOM died - her ORIGINAL attorney told my oldest sister to bring the deed to the house to his office so we could go over the WILL. My other sister had to leave California to go back home so we thought we would do everything while she was still in California. Low and behold, we discovered what happened. It was a COMPLETE shock to us. 5 siblings and all of a sudden Mom disinherits 4 of us but leaves the estate to this HORRIBLE person and my brother.
I knew how I felt after all of this and it was NOT about money. We knew how our mother felt about all of us (she loved all of us) but it was still painful. Prior to this NEW attorney, the house was to be sold and split between all of us. This is the way it always was. I took care of both my parents when they got ill. My two sisters lived too far away but I always kept them abreast. This ROTTEN HORRIBLE person took advantage of our mother. Me, being the person that I am - Honesty-Integrity all matter to me. I believe in being open and honest with my daughter. She is horrible to me BUT she is still my daughter. I love her but I do not like her today. I did not want to leave this world and leaver her to think I did not love her. We are NOT leaving a lot to her because of her disrespect for me. I do have a few things I want her to have. I was HOPING she would want to meet for lunch and of course I got slapped in the face. Again, she will get some things but will have NO part in anything else. Any other monies will go to charity.
I spent my entire life protecting my daughter. Her real father spent his adult life in prison for assault with a weapon. Two prison terms - the man was a mess. We were young. I left him after 3 yrs of serious PHYSICAL abuse. I suffer from PTSD. My life centered around my daughter and making sure she was well cared for and loved. She knows how to manipulate me unfortunately. Even though my first marriage was a disaster - my daughter wasn't. She will always be the best thing that happened for me. My daughter is mentally sick and is dealing with a lot-this I understand. I dream of the day I get a call from her asking me to lunch because she loves me. It's so complicated.
I know I put myself out there on this forum but to judge me is over the top without KNOWING all the particulars and trust me there are many. So there you have it Nancy Drew. No, I will not leave my daughter money. We have given and given over the years. We have gone into debt before because we gave a lot. I have stepped back and quit reaching out to my daughter. She knows our number and where we live. NO parent deserves to be treated with disrespect. There comes a time when adult children need to accept responsibilities for their bad behavior and bad choices in life.
Last edited by CaliforniaGal; 02-21-2017 at 11:39 AM..
Reason: Needed to amend...
And to the above I would like to add ..... that starting with my generations we have taken on the belief that everything is the fault of the parents. My siblings continue to blame my mother for things.
Can it really be always the fault of the parent? This sounds unreasonable. People come with flaws ... parents and their offspring. Serial killers can come from loving and nurturing families.
No. It is my sister and I will add that my daughter was never close to my sister although she was in her life to some degree.
I understand that not everyone will see this as a disloyal act. I do.
It's a tough call, old woman and can be a precarious balancing act. I was severely and relentlessly estranged from my three daughters by their mother when she left me, partially for another, and consequently I divorced her. Regardless, I always encouraged all my children, all adults now and for many years. to have relationships with her. Ultimately only one really did but at no time did I consider that a disloyal act. They're family and that takes precedence.
You don't have to like what your sister did, can despise it and her in fact but she is your daughter's aunt after all, for good or for ill.
A few posts were deleted. Reminder: Most people in this thread are in emotional pain. Please keep that in mind and do not judge or harshly criticize them.
California gal, I think you are doing the correct thing in asking your daughter to lunch.
I haven't posted in this thread for a long time. My son died a year ago January. He was bipolar & threatened my whole family so I chose not to let him know when I moved.
Did I make the right decision? I'll never know. But I do wish I had that one last lunch together.
It's a tough call, old woman and can be a precarious balancing act. I was severely and relentlessly estranged from my three daughters by their mother when she left me, partially for another, and consequently I divorced her. Regardless, I always encouraged all my children, all adults now and for many years. to have relationships with her. Ultimately only one really did but at no time did I consider that a disloyal act. They're family and that takes precedence.
You don't have to like what your sister did, can despise it and her in fact but she is your daughter's aunt after all, for good or for ill.
This is where my dander stands straight up. I can feel the strong emotion you evoke when I read your words and I wonder about it. I have examined it adnauseam. I do see your point although it is not the same as a person's parent .... at all. AND just because she is related does not mean she has to be in anyone's life. You don't pick your family.
My daughter never even liked my sister, she admitted this to me several years ago before things went south between my sister and me. Every time I think of my daughter sitting amicably somewhere and chatting with my sister it evokes a very strong negative emotion in me.
What do I do with that emotion? Hide it? Pretend it's not there? Repress it? I can't look at my daughter and feel valued when I know that she refuses to make this sacrifice for our relationship. I'm just not worth it.
I have tried and tried to overcome this feeling and this belief, but to no avail.
This, of course, is not the only thing between us. But, it is one thing.
This is where my dander stands straight up. I can feel the strong emotion you evoke when I read your words and I wonder about it. I have examined it adnauseam. I do see your point although it is not the same as a person's parent .... at all. AND just because she is related does not mean she has to be in anyone's life. You don't pick your family.
My daughter never even liked my sister, she admitted this to me several years ago before things went south between my sister and me. Every time I think of my daughter sitting amicably somewhere and chatting with my sister it evokes a very strong negative emotion in me.
What do I do with that emotion? Hide it? Pretend it's not there? Repress it? I can't look at my daughter and feel valued when I know that she refuses to make this sacrifice for our relationship. I'm just not worth it.
I have tried and tried to overcome this feeling and this belief, but to no avail.
This, of course, is not the only thing between us. But, it is one thing.
Yes, the emotions are strong about the 10+ years of alienation on the very rare occasions I feel compelled to invoke them to try to help others in that situation. There's no other reason to do so as my relationships with my daughters have normalized over the years. There are still some deficits on their parts but not mine. They're my children and I've always loved them. I can do no more than that.
What I bolded above resonates and I've posted about it somewhere in the past as related to my oldest daughter. At one time when the ex and I were divorced but full settlement had not yet occurred due to her recalcitrance to make some major decisions - I had already bifurcated the issues of divorce and settlement - I "forced" her to take me back to family court by withholding some support payments. I knew her greed and belief that my only value in life was financial would do the trick. My oldest daughter actually helped have me served then stood with her mother when we were in court. My ploy had worked and I finally won the final settlement I sought.
As for my daughter, in addition to her loyalty for her mother at my expense, literally and figuratively, she decided I shouldn't have been married to anyone but her mother, if at all, and expressed deep dislike for my wife, doing her best to try to come between us. I put an end to that quickly and effectively when she made the mistake of telling me that I should side with her against my wife because she was my daughter. My response was, "You I had. Her I chose!" That was the end of that discussion and the end of our relationship for several years.
From reading your several posts I sense that you're upset, angered and embittered by the issue at hand and perhaps some others. I don't blame you. Some things related to interpersonal relationships and life can be overwhelming, leaving our emotions raw and bleeding. I really hope you can get past these things. There's something to be said with being at peace with yourself and your life; past, present and the foreseeable future. Comfort and contentment have a lot to be said for them and are my hope for you.
Curmudgeon .... I am angered and upset only when I think about certain things. Most of the time I am comfortable and content, although I am prone to boredom, but that's another thread (something to do with lower numbers of dopamine receptors). And I probably am more cynical than bitter, but also another thread.
I go back and forth about this in my head, but maybe you can add your thoughts? I have not given up on a relationship with my daughter or even my sister, for that matter. There are many scenarios in which I do not think it is appropriate to 'take sides'. Yours sounds like one of them.
However, to purposefully renew a relationship after several years simply because you want to and feel that no one should have any say in who you have relationships with? That does not seem reasonable to me. If someone had hurt my daughter deeply, and this actually did happen (it was my mother), then there would be no question in my mind about how to proceed. I don't expect everyone to do everything the way I would do it, but this seems quite self serving to me.
Adult children do not do everything right and I don't believe that the parent must always make the effort and sacrifice. Either I am a person of value or I am not. My daughter has never questioned whether I value her, she takes it for granted. She is not a child, but a fully grown 31 year old woman. And, as such, our relationship must move forward as two adult women who love, accept, respect, and need one another.
When my children were children I knew that it was pretty much a one way relationship. All give with very little take. But that changed the day they each reached adulthood.
And to the above I would like to add ..... that starting with my generations we have taken on the belief that everything is the fault of the parents. My siblings continue to blame my mother for things.
Can it really be always the fault of the parent? This sounds unreasonable. People come with flaws ... parents and their offspring. Serial killers can come from loving and nurturing families.
It can be no one's fault. It can be life events. We were tight with our son for 40 years until he divorced then remarried someone who was all about herself and her family. In fact, they married with just her family in attendance. This caused a 3 year estrangement but we are good now and back on track. She's makes it clear that she has no time to give us so we chug along, us, our son and the grandkids. It's just what we were dealt.
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