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I was assuming the wife worked too. Back in the 1950s a man worked to support his family while the wife stayed home. Most retired women these days worked their entire lives AND took care of the house and probably the kids too.
Anyway, life with this man sounds awful. It sounds like there's something wrong with him.
Thank you for all the welcome and support.
Of course I worked as well, we could not have built a nice retirement without my pay check and also taking care of the home and kids so my husband was able to commute for an hour (his choice where we lived) and travel. We both worked equally hard. I also worked while he was in graduate school and supported both of us.
I am curious though in if other married men in this age group (77) feel like "augiedogie." does. Perhaps they can give me some insight on what is going on with my husband.
A friend is in the same position. We used to be good friends as couples but her husband has completely gone strange, so strange it is uncomfortable to meet any more as couples. The wife and I are still friends. It is the same thing, quirks that were just annoying have now become totally out of control. His business is not doing well and he is pretty much retired while she still works.
I have thought of counseling we tried once. The counselor cannot see why we just don't get a divorce. They told my friend that she just needs to do what is right for her and should make her decision. How helpful is that?
Has anyone tried counseling and resolved their difficulty?
If you had a rough marriage for 47 years you most likely will have a rough retirement.
You ignored the bad for 47 years and gave him lots of space. Now he's home every day.
I would also talk to your husband's primary doctor to help determine whether something else is going on, then try the counseling as others have wisely suggested.
On a personal level, I too fear not being able to meet the challenge to properly care for a diabled spouse if that time comes. The best way to meet fear is to grab it by the horns and plan fearlessly for the future. It may not happen that way, and he may be caring for you, so how would you like to be treated?
I also agree with others that some posters have a history of being down right rude so please ignor those posts.
Best of luck to you. We are all in this together.
thank you. i don't know how i can talk to his doctor without him being there. but that is a good idea. he likes her a lot and may be he should talk to her, he cannot be happy the way things are either. but i hate to bring it up because he will reject what i say outright.
Also bear in mind at age 77, he may be in early stage dementia. As a full time caregiver, I am witnessing a personality change in my companion. Wowza!
Also, my boss warned me that I had better have a damn good relationship when I retire. We chuckled over that, but it is so true, it is scary.
IMO, your hubby is not going to change at this stage in his life. Obviously, I don't know your husband, but human nature being what it is, makes me believe he is pretty much set in stone by age 77.
Your challenge is learn to communicate effectively and learn to get space from him when you need it. For example, just say you understand his position on (whatever) and say you don't care to discuss politics with him.
After this many years with the same guy and NOW you want out? Why don't you just make your own life, activities, hobbies and interests. Lots of people manage to get along with this kind of arrangement. And yes, I think its pretty nasty, after a guy has worked this many years to support his family that now his wife wants to dump him.
Could Augiedogie be the husband that the OP was talking about?
Your doctor shouldn't talk to you about him without him being there. I can't speak for you, but I would start by saying that the stress at home does reflect in his BP and other numbers she measures. She may have already picked up that something is going on. Some doctors, at least here in the Bay Area, have only 7 minutes for each patient so you might have to be the one who initiates the conversation. Open the door and see who walks through it.
Your husband may have a personality disorder or be in the early stages of dementia - try to get him to a doctor for a thorough checkup. Many physical conditions can impact mental state. That needs to be ruled out before thinking about counseling for him or you as a couple...if you want counseling for yourself, sure.
Also bear in mind at age 77, he may be in early stage dementia. As a full time caregiver, I am witnessing a personality change in my companion. Wowza!
Also, my boss warned me that I had better have a damn good relationship when I retire. We chuckled over that, but it is so true, it is scary.
IMO, your hubby is not going to change at this stage in his life. Obviously, I don't know your husband, but human nature being what it is, makes me believe he is pretty much set in stone by age 77.
Your challenge is learn to communicate effectively and learn to get space from him when you need it. For example, just say you understand his position on (whatever) and say you don't care to discuss politics with him.
You are very wise. If possible, line up interests that will give you room to breath & be yourself. My siter had to grit her teeth & just deal with it while her husband slipped into Alzheimer's. Finally it got to the point where he hd to go into a nursing home & finally died. Is it possible for you to brave it out? You hve to think of yourself & your future now.
I can only say that my husband has changed for the better and he is now 75 years old. He went through a very strange spell that reminds me a little bit of your husband. His temper went wild and it was as if he just couldn't stand anything.
A ride in the car with him was terrifying with him swearing at all the other drivers and yelling at me if I even so much as moved!
We did talk to his doctor and got him on some medication that did absolutely no good. Luckily I found a very good therapist for him and this guy more or less straightened him out. Turns out that he is furious (and rightfully so) about a mortgage scam that took the proceeds from the sale of his house back in the UK. Problem was that he was taking his anger out on ME.
Now that he understands that, he's a lot better. Also, I find that he perks right up when he is around people so I encourage him to get out and socialize. I'm not saying that he's perfect; he still has short relapses but then he remembers.
So people can change at any age as long as they are willing and able. If you can get to the bottom of what his problem is, you may stand a chance.
Your husband may not agree to counseling and he may not change for the better. But you could get counseling on your own. It could possibly help you deal with him in a way that would be less stressful for you.
I think your husband may be showing signs of dementia with the hoarding and arguing. Maybe you could make an appointment with his doctor and mention these things. If you don't want to do it in front of him, you could write the Dr. a brief note before his next appt and also explain that he denies a problem.
Best Wishes to you. And as others have said, please ignore the negative comments of some.
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We chuckled over that, but it is so true, it is scary.
Just a thought
