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Mom and dad were married 47 years and after we all left home they spent some time apart, dad would stay in the cabin. When they were old they shared a house but not rooms, he had a bedroom and family room, she had the rest of the house, he had his own half bath in the family room. When he watched tv holding the remote changing channels all the time she would go to the living room and watch her own tv. She was a lot younger so traveled alone when he didn't want to go. Men can be irritating but there are ways to cope, separate might be a good way but you can semi separate with a summer place without giving up your home, marriage and tax status.
This is interesting to me. how was your mother's emotional health living this way, a rather solitary life?
This is how we share the space in out house now. We still share a bedroom, he has his own room with TV, laptop, phone. I don't have a room of my own but since he spends a lot of time in his, with the door closed, it feels like i have the rest of the house to myself, and my own bathroom which I love!
But still we interact and it is very unpleasant 90% of the time and it is very disheartening. We don't smile at each other, hold hands, hug, wish each other when we see or say good bye when we leave. I would do these things regardless of what he does or not, but it is always only a response from him. It is like he has forgotten how to do these things.
Have you read 'Boundaries?', fairly dated issue (Free on Paperbackbookswap), but you need to understand / establish / exercise your personal boundaries. (Easier for a bull than a lamb, but both need them).
Can you explain your question?
I have not read the book but yes I need to learn to set boundaries, and not sure how. I will look for it.
If you had a rough marriage for 47 years you most likely will have a rough retirement.
You ignored the bad for 47 years and gave him lots of space. Now he's home every day.
^It's this. YOU taught him how to treat you for 47 years. Now, after all this time, you have false expectations that he will suddenly become someone different at age 77.
You can try counseling, but at 77, he is who he is. He may try changing, but it's not guaranteed. You are trying to suddenly change the rules of a 47 year relationship.
You either have learn to accept the relationship YOU created (by not speaking up sooner) or you have the option of leaving. *shrug*
Last edited by charlygal; 07-26-2015 at 12:32 PM..
This may sound a bit cold to some, but think about it, please.
After living that way for 47 years, now writing to say how miserable she is but apparently not doing anything to correct or change life, I don't really think this woman wants anything more than ears to listen, people trying to help her. With no intention of follow-through.
IMHO, if this woman really was miserable for all those years, she likes it. I don't buy the sudden need to make a change. And, as far as her husband needing counseling, I think she should be the first in line to get it.
^It's this. YOU taught him how to treat you for 47 years. Now, after all his time, you have false expectations that he will suddenly become someone different at age 77.
You can try counseling, but at 77, he is who he is. He may try changing, but it's not guaranteed. You are trying to suddenly change the rules of a 47 year relationship.
You either have learn to accept the relationship YOU created (by not speaking up sooner) or you have the option of leaving. *shrug*
This may sound a bit cold to some, but think about it, please.
After living that way for 47 years, now writing to say how miserable she is but apparently not doing anything to correct or change life, I don't really think this woman wants anything more than ears to listen, people trying to help her. With no intention of follow-through.
IMHO, if this woman really was miserable for all those years, she likes it. I don't buy the sudden need to make a change. And, as far as her husband needing counseling, I think she should be the first in line to get it.
As someone who provides legal advice to elderly women in the OPs position (it is not as uncommon as some believe) I can say without a doubt that the highlighted statement above is false.
As someone who provides legal advice to elderly women in the OPs position (it is not as uncommon as some believe) I can say without a doubt that the highlighted statement above is false.
It not only sounds a bit cold, it is cold.
I think she probably means "addicted," that's my take.
As someone who provides legal advice to elderly women in the OPs position (it is not as uncommon as some believe) I can say without a doubt that the highlighted statement above is false.
It not only sounds a bit cold, it is cold.
Other than your legal experience, what is your personal experience?
Professional people such as yourself tend to have a narrow outlook because they only know what their clients tell them. Ever talk to people who either don't want a legal expert or can't afford one?
If I am cold, it is only due to people like you who think they are experts on the situation.
My mother stayed with my father for over 30 years even tho at times he would go after her to kill her. So why didn't she leave him? Why did she stay? Love. Whether or not you believe this is immaterial to me. I was there, as were my sisters.
Love is a big reason why some people stay in a terrible marriage.
Last edited by NYgal1542; 07-26-2015 at 12:49 PM..
Honestly, after reading your story, I truly don't believe that any counseling could possibly help your situation. Not only is your husband too old to change - why bother? You married the wrong guy, plain and simple. You stated that you've been unhappy for a very long time - long before retirement years and that he doesn't have a clue how to be a husband, partner, friend or lover. What are you holding onto? Money? Appearances? Adult children's false image of Mom and Dad?
I, personally, know 3 women who left long-standing marriages within the last 5 years. Like you, they were at whit's end and exhausted from all the frustration and unhappiness. Guess what? They're poorer, to be sure; gave up their homes; live alone AND - they are all very happy, peaceful, and tremendously relieved. They have flourishing social lives and 2 of them have even found nice boyfriends who respect them, take them to dinner, and provide the type of companionship they were craving in their dead marriages.
If you don't want the hassle of a divorce, I'd still look into a legal separation to protect your assets. If he's a big baby about everything else - he's bound to be a jerk about your share of the gold.
I really do wish you the best and I hope you don't choose to squander the years you have left on a toxic marriage far past its expiration date.
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