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Your doctor shouldn't talk to you about him without him being there. I can't speak for you, but I would start by saying that the stress at home does reflect in his BP and other numbers she measures. She may have already picked up that something is going on. Some doctors, at least here in the Bay Area, have only 7 minutes for each patient so you might have to be the one who initiates the conversation. Open the door and see who walks through it.
A physician cannot talk about a patient's condition without the patient being there, or giving written permission, according to HIPAA laws. I don't see how that could be productive at any rate. The person in question has to want to change for the better. Is she supposed to come home and say "I've talked with your doctor and s/he says...." Even a mild-mannered person might hit the roof.
JMHO---- After reading through some of the posts it sounds like a lot of them are more or less putting more burden on the OP. She is already dealing with a very heavy problem. She needs to learn she does not have to do it alone. And she cannot fix it.
Why is it people think the woman (any woman) has to deal with a husband who is abusive and not think about her own health (mental and physical). As I said before there are many forms of abuse. Mental and emotional are two of them and they have a heavy impact on the one receiving the abuse. Would you be telling her to keep letting her husband beat her until he stopped?
After all the years of her husband's behavior OP doesn't know who the heck she is anymore or that she has rights. Right to a safe, happy, peaceful life.
Her husband needs help, too, but don't lay that on her.
I firmly believe that continual stress adversely affects our immune systems and this is a major cause of illness/disease. No one should put up with constant stress and/or negativity. You have one life - no do overs. He either needs to get help and change or you owe it to yourself to get out - your life could depend on it.
A doctor may not be able to talk to you about the patient, but you can talk to the doctor! You can give info to doc, but he can't give the info to you without consent of the patient. You can tell the doctor what you are seeing and ask him/her to evaluate your husband at his next visit. I would do this as close as possible to the actual time of husband's next appt so the doctor doesn't have time to forget the discussion. The doctor may recognize, from your description of these mental changes, the symptoms of a larger problem and then can evaluate him and do the appropriate tests. To me it sounds like the onset of some form of dementia or personality disorder.
This doesn't have to end in divorce for you to be happy. It just may be that you will have to spend more time on your own doing your own thing (p/t job, hobbies, friends) or traveling without him if that is the only way you can do it tolerably. You need an outlet for your own needs and to feel good about yourself. And you need respite from him. I agree that you should be involving your adult kids and enlisting their help if possible. I know you are not that thrilled with counselors, but a support group might be an avenue to vent your frustrations and receive support and helpful advice from others going through similar situations. Check with your local senior center or ask your doctor for referrals.
I firmly believe that continual stress adversely affects our immune systems and this is a major cause of illness/disease. No one should put up with constant stress and/or negativity. You have one life - no do overs. He either needs to get help and change or you owe it to yourself to get out - your life could depend on it.
This is it in a nutshell. No one should "fix" a spouse or go to the spouse's doctor, etc for "help." In a 5-min visit what kind of help would a doc offer other than for the OP to get counseling for herself?
On the board of dir's of an organization I freelance for is a woman, age 70+, whom I always imagined was stable in her home life and happily married. I phoned her last week to find out what she wants me to do next and she said she was just moving into an apt up the street from her home of 40+ years (a very small rural town). She said she was splitting from her husband and it sounded like she'd really had it. Fortunately she's fit and spry and has no qualms about leaving a longterm marriage at her age. I say go for the split, even if it's a "separation" at first and not a divorce. That is, assuming there is the financial angle there to do it. There's so much life left after age 60 even 70. And as you say, Umbria, one's life may depend on it.
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I am curious though in if other married men in this age group (77) feel like "augiedogie." does. Perhaps they can give me some insight on what is going on with my husband.
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Not like "augiedogie". That was just a cheap shot and totally uncalled-for.
My DH very well might feel like the OP, though I hope not.
If I were a younger person, I'd almost certainly have been diagnosed as being somewhere on the autism/Aspberger's spectrum. DH tolerates my oddities, though, and we mostly get along quite well, with occasional spats which are usually about either he or I being annoying and inadvertently pushing the others' button (yes, I have my weirdnesses, and he also has his).
I agree with the suggestion for counseling for you and him and both. There might be some ways you two can connect. At least, you might be able to find some coping mechanisms.
A doctor may not be able to talk to you about the patient, but you can talk to the doctor! You can give info to doc, but he can't give the info to you without consent of the patient. You can tell the doctor what you are seeing and ask him/her to evaluate your husband at his next visit. I would do this as close as possible to the actual time of husband's next appt so the doctor doesn't have time to forget the discussion. The doctor may recognize, from your description of these mental changes, the symptoms of a larger problem and then can evaluate him and do the appropriate tests. To me it sounds like the onset of some form of dementia or personality disorder.
An M.D. can modify a mental disorder with drugs, but not so for a generally bad personality (can't place a neat label on that). And you cannot force anyone to take meds anyway. Sounds like he may rather like being a PIA. "We have been married for 47 years...it has been a tough marriage" indicates that it is not old-age-onset.
My mother, as just one example, had a rotten personality from her younger years to the day she died at 91. It had nothing to do with dementia; she knew everything she ever knew down to the slightest detail. JMO, but I think the OP is wasting her time going this route. She could try, of course.
I am in complete agreement with those recommending a complete physical workup to include neuro workup. TIAs and ministrokes can happen without people knowing it - and dementia can take many forms. Obsessive behavior (the hoarding) is one such symptom.
Working until 74 (gasp!) is hard enough on a body - and then figuring out what life will be like after that even harder.
I hope you can find a geriatrician to help you and your husband..... oftentimes primary care docs miss the dementia signals....
I am in complete agreement with those recommending a complete physical workup to include neuro workup. TIAs and ministrokes can happen without people knowing it - and dementia can take many forms. Obsessive behavior (the hoarding) is one such symptom.
Working until 74 (gasp!) is hard enough on a body - and then figuring out what life will be like after that even harder.
I hope you can find a geriatrician to help you and your husband..... oftentimes primary care docs miss the dementia signals....
See my post just above yours (we posted at the same time) with the quote about the problem being for the past half-century.
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