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A physician cannot talk about a patient's condition without the patient being there
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Your doctor shouldn't talk to you about him without him being there.
Neither one of these has anything to do with a wife saying to a doctor...I'm concerned about him. This is what I'm seeing. Just wanted you to know. SO even if YOU can't tell ME anything. I thought you should know about possible health issues."
The doc can say "OK thank you." That has nothing to do with violating HIPPA. Did the DOC discuss the husband's health conditions? No. Plenty of conversations or verbal exchanges of information like that take place everyday. And as long as everyone knows what can and can't be said, it's fine.
2) I hope it was just poorly phrased but the OP says her husband doesn't seem to know what marriage should be or how to treat a wife. Yet she basically said she doesn't want to get stuck taking care of a sick person "who doesn't love her and she doesn't love." That's an interesting thought from someone who after 47 years of marriage says they OTHER person doesn't understand marriage.
3) I hope the suggestions here do help.
4) Yes, OP, how old are YOU?
5) You don't have to get a divorce to live fairly separate lives. Plenty of people live in the same house, as IF they were divorced.
I agree with separating. My grandparents lived apart from their late 70's until my grandmother passed at 84. She lived with us, in a separate 'in-law' guest house attached to our garage. I read most of the posts and understand you love your house, but I would still try renting an apartment (airbnb or the like) for a month, and see if living in peace and with your own happy social life is well worth living in a hoard filled house.
Best of luck. I can't imagine living like that for 47 years!
I am now convinced that he has some disorder. he does not seem to know what a marriage is or how a husband behaves with his wife. he acts like a 13 year old boy about chores around the house and as if i am his enemy. he is a hoarder and will bring back stuff i have discarded, and hide them in his room, his office which is always a mess. he has no friends although he tries very hard to keep in touch with people he has known. he is jealous of my closeness to our kids, my friends, my activities. he talks very loudly and long, often going on about politics but in a narrow way, repeating whatever they say on MSNBC, news that i already know. his idea of conversation is to ask a lot of questions but not wait for the answer before he asks another one. he is very anxious to have tight control over everything, giving me a hundred instructions about every single thing like driving to some place. it is painful to drive with him in the car. all these behaviors were always there but they intensifying now.
I second the suggestion of having him checked out for both physical and mental health. The articles below may be of help to give some explanations for his worsened behavior
Compulsive hoarding, the excessive collection of items, along with the inability to discard them, is another disorder that is associated with anxiety and OCD
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There is research that suggests pre-Alzheimer's personality may trigger hoarding behavior.
Many of the psychological issues have already existed but worsened with aging, deteriorating physical health conditions or side-effects of medications
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Someone who was already prone to experiencing anxiety, when faced with aging and the possibility of outliving their resources, may begin to collect and save against the onslaught of feeling overwhelmed by what lies ahead.
Compulsive hoarders may have negative personality traits that include avoidance, anxiety, indecisiveness, perfectionism and poor socialization skills. Researchers have found that the activity levels in the brains of compulsive hoarders differ from that of non-hoarders
I know of few hoarders and some definitely get worse as they get older. I also observe some hoarders get worse when they are not happy or depressed
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There is no “cure” for obsessive compulsive hoarding, but there are ways to assist the hoarder and help him or her transition effectively to more healthy behaviors.
Medications – Antidepressant medications (that increase the levels of serotonin in the brain) have been shown in research studies to effect improvement in some compulsive hoarders. ..
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy – Medication alone cannot hope to get at the underlying behavior. For this, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) may be more effective. CBT is more than just talk therapy. It goes beyond talk with the therapist often visiting the hoarder’s home and helping them to think more clearly about their possessions and learn to make decisions about them.
If he is reluctant to get professional help, I'd suggest you to talk to his primary care expressing your concerns to see if his doctor could address his problems.
I also second the suggestion for you to take a break, a short vacation to recover yourself from the stress, to have time to analyze the situation, the pros and cons of accepting the status quo or making a change, a fresh start. A trial separation is definitely worth trying first.
And yes, please discuss the situations with your children. You don't have to say bad things about your husband, just explain that you find it increasingly very difficult to live with him. You can ask your children to keep an eye on your husband while you being away or to make arrangement for someone to check on him.
I hope that you can get some reliefs soon. It sounds very stressful to live with someone like your husband.
I think BellaDL has some great ideas. This sounds like there could be medical and mental health
concerns.
A dear compassionate gentleman became not just a collector, but a hoarder after
retirement. Obtaining items gave him something to do, connecting to the sales person. The objects
represented a visual reminder of what he was worth (his income was VISIBLE, his worth was visible)
He finally parted with most of the items and that gave him more contact as he sold them . It also gave him a goal--to
provide for his extended family when he was gone. It was not very much money, but to him it represented again a physical reminder of what he was and what he used to do. Part of it was grief,
part of it was mental illness. Dementia became very evident shortly thereafter.
I think BellaDL has some great ideas. This sounds like there could be medical and mental health
concerns.
A dear compassionate gentleman became not just a collector, but a hoarder after
retirement. Obtaining items gave him something to do, connecting to the sales person. The objects
represented a visual reminder of what he was worth (his income was VISIBLE, his worth was visible)
He finally parted with most of the items and that gave him more contact as he sold them . It also gave him a goal--to
provide for his extended family when he was gone. It was not very much money, but to him it represented again a physical reminder of what he was and what he used to do. Part of it was grief,
part of it was mental illness. Dementia became very evident shortly thereafter.
I wish you both peace. We are pulling for you.
The highlighted paragraph from your post. Are you describing the OPs husband or someone else? If in fact you are describing the OPs husband, I encourage you to go back to the first post written by the OP. I didn't see anything about him being a dear compassionate gentleman.
It wouldn't be dumping him because he's unhappy with you and the relationship too! I say move on, life is too short
to be that unhappy. I see a lot of women stay in marriages just so they don't have to go it on their own and they also
don't want to split up the assets or upset the offspring of said marriage. I say B.S. You are the only one who can
make a content happy life for yourself so go for it. I would sit down and tell him everything you have told here and
tell him what you are seriously thinking of doing. It's a shame you've waited til this stage in your lives to split up.
BUT, you gotta do what you gotta do! From what you said he doesn't seem to care what you do or say! This is just
my opinion!!! It would be nice to at least try counseling but I'd bet he's not up for it!
I wouldnt consider divorce, tho. I dont think its worth upsetting the financial apple cart after all this time. But I would consider a "separation", if you will. Doing something for you. Going to see friends, getting a condo on the beach, in the mountains, for a month or two at a time. Clear your head. Enjoy the time you've worked so hard for.
yes, this is what i am considering. I always felt guilty about doing something like that but it is really what i need and can do right now.
what changed? I am older and can't cope as well? and what new coping methods should i have?
It is wearing on me. His problems - the hoarding, controlling every little thing that every body does or does not do, constant talking in a loud voice and lecturing on stuff that is neither new nor interesting, detailed instruction that nobody needs, fearfulness/cautiousness/paranoia, short fuse temper that leads to abusive language - are all intensifying. For instance he used pride himself on his sense of direction while driving. Now he is fearful to go to the next town without the GPS.
he does not believe he has a problem, so how can he change?
Actually the first couple of years after retirement was great. I think he adjusted to it very well and surprised how much he is enjoying it. It made me happy as well.
Staying married does not require huge stressful changes that neither of us are ready for or want. it will affect from how we file taxes to credit to our estate planning to where we shall live to our relationships with children and grands. i will separate before divorce.
I'm getting confusing messages from you, CC. The first of your posts was rather dire, to the point of the entire half-century marriage being dismal and your each not having love for the other.
Here in this post you say the first few years after retirement were great. The first post points to a lifelong problem with your husband; the second points to post-retirement years (and if he's only been retired 4 yrs, that leaves only 2 years as being a problem when you subtract the 2 "good" years).
I'm not saying this is you, but there have been a number of "what should I do" original posts that paint a dire picture, and the facts aren't clear till later posts, or the OP backpedals and winds up saying things aren't all that bad really and the responders feel like they've wasted time. I hope this isn't one of those cases.
If you could be more explicit about the situation, many of us would get a much better picture and would be able to give you appropriate responses. (such as, if it's just a post-retirement problem, the doctor route would be obviously appropriate, whereas 5 decades of a bad marriage indicates another route).
I didn't read through all 6 pages and agree that advice on a message board should not be used to determine your life. But with that said I'll offer mine anyway.
I would try counseling first, what do you have to lose? But to be honest I'm not sure a man of 77 will change, if anything I would bet his behavior will get worse.
You only have so many years left. I would do everything I could if I were in your shoes to make sure they are as good as they can be. You owe it to yourself to make the most of the years you have, do not give them away in misery just for the sake of staying married.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself there is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. You deserve to be happy.
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