Alienation at retirement (inheritance, states, married, relationship)
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yes, this is what i am considering. I always felt guilty about doing something like that but it is really what i need and can do right now.
I know several couples younger than you, that do just that. One relative doesn't even know where her husband is some days. They have been married almost 50 years. They were married very young. They do attend family events together - but usually show up in separate vehicles.
Another one did get divorced after 40 some years. She just couldn't stand him anymore. What was weird is that she had wanted to be married to him since she was in elementary school. She would say "I'm going to marry Joe Bob when I grow up". I guess it is just a dream to have a dream like marriage.
I like the idea of you taking some time off away from the situation.
I I'm not saying this is you, but there have been a number of "what should I do" original posts that paint a dire picture, and the facts aren't clear till later posts, or the OP backpedals and winds up saying things aren't all that bad really and the responders feel like they've wasted time. I hope this isn't one of those cases.
If you could be more explicit about the situation, many of us would get a much better picture and would be able to give you appropriate responses. (such as, if it's just a post-retirement problem, the doctor route would be obviously appropriate, whereas 5 decades of a bad marriage indicates another route).
The situation is how i described. i am responding to the bit about how things can change for the worse or cause different problems after retirement . That was not the case with my husband. Although he was afraid to retire, one, fear of finances, two, fear of what he was going to do for the rest of his life, he found he was fine on both counts. I was happy in anticipation that now he is not working and commuting we can travel, take spontaneous trips etc. but it is hard to do all that with a very negative person. this is the dilemma.
The dynamics between us has always been there but his behavior problems are intensifying. He always wanted to control the situation - do it this way, if you go that route terrific traffic and bad things can happen; they are predicting snowstorm i would cancel the trip if i were you - that sort of thing not once but repeatedly. This is getting worse now. His temper was always explosive but now he listens even less and shouts even more.
I am getting some helpful advice from all of you. Please keep them coming.
*Take a break, rent a place and go away for some weeks.
*Medication can help hoarding. _ the hoarding causes a lot of conflict because he does not respect my decision to discard *anything*. it requires huge explanations and arguments. it was always like this but now worse. he has his own room/office to hoard to his heart's content but now he wants kitchen shelf place for extra juice, extra cereal, boxes of pasta.
*Get your children involved. Our son is going to be with us for a while. He actually has some of the same problems but he has recognized, sought help, and is on medication. Maybe the 3 of us can talk. I feel bad placing this burden on him but he has a calming effect on my husband. I will also talk to my daughter.
*Get a friend to talk to him, that is even better than a therapist. He loves to talk anyway so this may be a good thing.
This post is not only about the problem but how it is making me feel inside.
As for meaning of marriage and love for each other, yes it IS lost. I feel harder and harder to summon it up. he *can* express love and affection and once we did have it between us, among all the squabbles, but now he seems forgetful about the niceties of a close relationship like a marriage. he seems to be just living by himself. When we travel in groups i have to remind him to save a place next to him at dinner if i am late and remind him if he is late to come look for me because i would have saved a place for him and not go sit somewhere else. i am the one who always wish him in the morning whether i get up first or he gets up first. he is too absorbed in something or other to even look up and wish me when he sees me. these things may sound trivial but relationships are built on these, aren't they?
I think a lot of strange behaviors can come out as we age, some are due to medical conditions. Do you think you could get some relief living rather independently while cohabitating? Sharing space but doing your own thing so to speak? I hope you can find answers quickly.
Something about life that I both love and hate. Free will. If you are in a situation that you have lived in for 47 years, know there is something wrong but willing to just stick it out, it is your prerogative.
Only speaking for myself, I stayed in a lousy marriage for 21 years (he was a liar, a cheat, and I believe had mental problems). Once the last kid (I had 2) was out of the house, I got out of there, too. Should have left a long time before that. I think some women who endure abuse and stay at some point in time learn to "like it". It's what they know and have real fear of changing things and being by themselves. My mother stuck with my father for over 30 years even tho he would at times try to kill her. I can tell you from my two sisters and my viewpoints...... big mistake. Staying for the sake of the kids. They pay dearly.
So what if you both like the house. Are you happy in it?
I am going to assume you are.
Thank you for your response. i don't know if my husband has mental problems but definitely has behavioral problems that is putting a lot of stress on me. But he is not a liar (at least not always) and he is not a cheat. i said at the outset we don't have those kinds of issues. i am happy for you that you are where you are.
i am actually happy in my house, yes. i am just not as happy with him in it. and i am not sure what to do about it short of divorce which i do not want after 47 years of marriage. i appreciate all the advice i have been given. these are things i can follow up with. so i am glad i posted.
I'm not sure you can teach an old dog new tricks. His/Your behavior towards each other has been going on the same for so many years he probably doesn't see anything wrong with it, and if he's like my ex, thinks YOU ARE the problem and should change.
Since you have no desire to divorce, I suggest you go and do your own thing. Find and spend time with friends, volunteer, get out of the house, start some new hobbies. Get a dog and train it to do therapy and visit hospitals.
Thank you for your response. i don't know if my husband has mental problems but definitely has behavioral problems that is putting a lot of stress on me. But he is not a liar (at least not always) and he is not a cheat. i said at the outset we don't have those kinds of issues. i am happy for you that you are where you are.
i am actually happy in my house, yes. i am just not as happy with him in it. and i am not sure what to do about it short of divorce which i do not want after 47 years of marriage. i appreciate all the advice i have been given. these are things i can follow up with. so i am glad i posted.
Wait and see - long after you're gone people will keep posting - and posting - and posting.
CityCurl,
I can relate to the interpersonal dynamics of your marriage....
I highly suggest you read these books. Both are likely available in your library or through Library Loan:
"Your Perfect Right" by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons
"The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Learner.
I also support counseling for both of you, either couples counseling or individual counseling. I personally think individual counseling is more effective. Do it, even if he won't participate. Counseling can't fix a marriage, but it can help each partner become more self-aware.
Lastly, your husband's hearing may be deteriorating. His loud talking and some of his anger may be symptoms of poor hearing.
Best wishes. Good luck.
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