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I feel your pain, TX. I have been in the city for almost a year and have made zero friends. Whats really sad is that my husband is from this city but even his family (large) has not bothered to introduce me to their friends, invite me to their parties, etc. But, they do tell me how much fun they had at the bar, party, dinner, casino, etc...Yea, thanks! I was in my PJ's at 7 PM on the couch on that Saturday night.
Anyway, I am outgoing and have put myself out there over and over again just to be disappointed. Generally people will talk to me, even go as far as make plans, and then that's it. When I follow up, I never hear back from them. I mean they never even bother to return my email, call or text!!! And, this is not one person I am talking about, it is EVERYONE I have met in this city!!!!
I have also moved around plenty and have many friends all over the US. Generally I am well liked and have been working with people for many years. I have invited people over to dinners at my house several times. They came, they ate, they made inappropriate remarks on how fancy my house is, that I pulled out my china and actually used cloth napkins (imagine that) and never followed up with an invite to their house. Or any invite for that matter. I fed and entertained the same couple 3x with no return gesture and I quit. So, you'll come to my house, make me feel bad because I like things nice, eat, return 2 more times but not see it appropriate to call and see how I am doing or invite me over? Hmmmm....
I feel completely out of place here. People have made crude remarks because I care what I look like and dress nice. I am tired of appologizing for who I am. I have tried to fit in but I will not start eating off paper plates and running around in t-shirts & sweats because that's what some perceive as being the norm. Live and let live if what I live by. I don't care what you are wearing, why do you care so much about my outfit?
My friends back home though I was exaggerating when I told them about my difficulties here until one came to visit. Now she understands. STL did not leave a favorable impression on her either. Our thoughts are that the people we have met here are set in their ways, have zero personality and have no sense of adventure. I mean, how can you not ask someone a million questions when you learn that they are from somewhere else? Every time I speak to someone new, I learn something new. I personally thrive on that. I can count on one hand how many people have asked me questions about myself or just any question!
Bottom line is, they have their High School friends they are comfortable with, anyone new is a threat? Uncomfortable? And they are not interested. Period. I would move in a minute if I could!
I think a lot of this has to do with where you live in St. Louis. I've met people from the far-out suburbs who were very cold. As soon as they asked me where I went to high school and I told them I'm not from here originally I got the cold shoulder. (I've only ever been asked that by suburbanites). But people in the City are generally very nice and welcoming. I've actually been really impressed with how nice people are here. Sorry you haven't had the same experience.
I mean, how can you not ask someone a million questions when you learn that they are from somewhere else? Every time I speak to someone new, I learn something new. I personally thrive on that. I can count on one hand how many people have asked me questions about myself or just any question!
One thing--I never expected people to be particularly interested in talking to me just because I'm from somewhere else. I've seen enough transplants talk to STL natives about how much better everything is in XYZ city upon their first meeting to understand why someone might be totally disinterested in hearing about where someone is from...
I do feel for ya, though. I just moved somewhere new, and it has not been that easy.
I feel your pain, TX. I have been in the city for almost a year and have made zero friends. Whats really sad is that my husband is from this city but even his family (large) has not bothered to introduce me to their friends, invite me to their parties, etc. But, they do tell me how much fun they had at the bar, party, dinner, casino, etc...Yea, thanks! I was in my PJ's at 7 PM on the couch on that Saturday night.
Anyway, I am outgoing and have put myself out there over and over again just to be disappointed. Generally people will talk to me, even go as far as make plans, and then that's it. When I follow up, I never hear back from them. I mean they never even bother to return my email, call or text!!! And, this is not one person I am talking about, it is EVERYONE I have met in this city!!!!
I have also moved around plenty and have many friends all over the US. Generally I am well liked and have been working with people for many years. I have invited people over to dinners at my house several times. They came, they ate, they made inappropriate remarks on how fancy my house is, that I pulled out my china and actually used cloth napkins (imagine that) and never followed up with an invite to their house. Or any invite for that matter. I fed and entertained the same couple 3x with no return gesture and I quit. So, you'll come to my house, make me feel bad because I like things nice, eat, return 2 more times but not see it appropriate to call and see how I am doing or invite me over? Hmmmm....
I feel completely out of place here. People have made crude remarks because I care what I look like and dress nice. I am tired of appologizing for who I am. I have tried to fit in but I will not start eating off paper plates and running around in t-shirts & sweats because that's what some perceive as being the norm. Live and let live if what I live by. I don't care what you are wearing, why do you care so much about my outfit?
My friends back home though I was exaggerating when I told them about my difficulties here until one came to visit. Now she understands. STL did not leave a favorable impression on her either. Our thoughts are that the people we have met here are set in their ways, have zero personality and have no sense of adventure. I mean, how can you not ask someone a million questions when you learn that they are from somewhere else? Every time I speak to someone new, I learn something new. I personally thrive on that. I can count on one hand how many people have asked me questions about myself or just any question!
Bottom line is, they have their High School friends they are comfortable with, anyone new is a threat? Uncomfortable? And they are not interested. Period. I would move in a minute if I could!
Old thread, and, my advice hasn't changed much since my earlier posts.
Where and how are you meeting these people? You moved to St. Louis with your husband? Are these new people to your husband? Or are they simply his family and his and their old friends? It's important that you and he meet new people that don't have anything to do with his his family and old friends.
There are tons of people out there that will dress more in the way that you prefer, or decorate their homes in the way you prefer, or use certain things you prefer. I wouldn't care how you were dressed from one extreme to another, nor how your home was decorated from one extreme to another. There are many people where you are that don't care either way either. There are also many people out there that do care, and you can find the types that would fit in with yours.
I only can go from one post, but your problem comes across as a you and your husband's family and friends problem and not a geographic problem. Obviously St. Louis is not filled with people who only eat off of paper plates, wear only t-shirts and shorts, and make negative remarks about the way people dress. That's extreme exaggeration based possibly on a very limited experience with a very limited amount of people.
When people date or marry someone, it is not automatic that everyone will get along the same and be buddies. No. You will be more friendly with some individual members of the family and group than others.
If I date or marry someone, I do not expect to be super close with everyone or most or even any in their family or circle. That is not some automatic thing. People are not automatically slotted into new families. That's not how it works, at least not real friendships.
You may want to look at your approach a bit. You had people over for dinner 3 times that you didn't know at all or very well. My return expectations would be very minimal. Giving to get is not a good road to go down.
I know this topic pretty well. You do the things you like to do, in the places you like to do them, and you will meet new people. It isn't easy sometimes. You give people a fair brief chance and then then you move on and move forward. You keep moving forward with or without those people. I can share that some mistakes I made in the past, were not sticking to my guns enough of who I liked and didn't and I did too many things out of a fictional obligation.
First thing I'd do is look at myself, my behavior, how am I adding to the problem. Then I look at what I can do different and better and more productive. That might include some tough decisions and possibly hurt feelings. You only get one life, you better be spending round people you enjoy being around. You always get that choice of whom those people are for you.
Last edited by Fishtacos; 06-02-2012 at 03:50 PM..
One thing--I never expected people to be particularly interested in talking to me just because I'm from somewhere else. I've seen enough transplants talk to STL natives about how much better everything is in XYZ city upon their first meeting to understand why someone might be totally disinterested in hearing about where someone is from...
I do feel for ya, though. I just moved somewhere new, and it has not been that easy.
And, this of course happens in many cities. The quick solution is to not associate with people who put down other cities, whether it is their old or new city. If someone comes to St. Louis and puts it down, bye bye. If you go to Denver and someone there puts down St. Louis to you, bye bye. And, if locals in either place put down their own city, bye bye. Obviously complaining and venting is normal an understandable within reason, but you'll figure out quickly the debbie downers, or overcompensating braggarts and you'll move on until you have more of what you seek. The key is to change and keep changing when and while being frustrated, because you'll be complaining a lot and for a long time if you don't.
Old thread, and, my advice hasn't changed much since my earlier posts.
Where and how are you meeting these people? You moved to St. Louis with your husband? Are these new people to your husband? Or are they simply his family and his and their old friends? It's important that you and he meet new people that don't have anything to do with his his family and old friends.
There are tons of people out there that will dress more in the way that you prefer, or decorate their homes in the way you prefer, or use certain things you prefer. I wouldn't care how you were dressed from one extreme to another, nor how your home was decorated from one extreme to another. There are many people where you are that don't care either way either. There are also many people out there that do care, and you can find the types that would fit in with yours.
I only can go from one post, but your problem comes across as a you and your husband's family and friends problem and not a geographic problem. Obviously St. Louis is not filled with people who only eat off of paper plates, wear only t-shirts and shorts, and make negative remarks about the way people dress. That's extreme exaggeration based possibly on a very limited experience with a very limited amount of people.
When people date or marry someone, it is not automatic that everyone will get along the same and be buddies. No. You will be more friendly with some individual members of the family and group than others.
If I date or marry someone, I do not expect to be super close with everyone or most or even any in their family or circle. That is not some automatic thing. People are not automatically slotted into new families. That's not how it works, at least not real friendships.
You may want to look at your approach a bit. You had people over for dinner 3 times that you didn't know at all or very well. My return expectations would be very minimal. Giving to get is not a good road to go down.
I know this topic pretty well. You do the things you like to do, in the places you like to do them, and you will meet new people. It isn't easy sometimes. You give people a fair brief chance and then then you move on and move forward. You keep moving forward with or without those people. I can share that some mistakes I made in the past, were not sticking to my guns enough of who I liked and didn't and I did too many things out of a fictional obligation.
First thing I'd do is look at myself, my behavior, how am I adding to the problem. Then I look at what I can do different and better and more productive. That might include some tough decisions and possibly hurt feelings. You only get one life, you better be spending round people you enjoy being around. You always get that choice of whom those people are for you.
I started out in a training program with a big company in St. Louis. It was made up of natives and people from other cities. Most of the non-natives ended up moving from St. Louis after a couple of years (mostly to Chicago) and expressed dismay at how hard it was to break into social circles in St. Louis where everyone seemed to have friends from grade and high school.
1. I lived in Phoenix my whole life before moving to STL in August. Most of my close friends I've known for years. As we get older we tend to keep our older friends. So it makes total sense that the people you meet in STL that have lived here are already going to have established social circles. That would be the case anywhere. It's only natural that transplants would be easier to befriend as they are also looking to make friends. That doesn't make STL natives less friendly, it makes them normal.
2. My experience since moving here has been that I find people here in general to be very friendly. I've had more people just strike up a conversation or make an effort to talk to me here than I ever had in Phoenix. I've found people in the service industry here to be much friendlier as well.
3. One strange dynamic that I have found is that my wife grew up here and she has had a very hard time reconnecting with her old friends. They have not been rude or anything, but we've tried to get them to come out to the bar with us and they generally don't want to. She had one friend that we connected with and hung out with quite extensively for a while, and then that friendship died and we seldom speak to them anymore. But other than that she talks to her old friends a lot, but nothing ever turns into a social gathering.
4. I have noticed in general that STL seems to have a more pronounced upper versus lower class stigma. In Phoenix it seemed like there were more "middle of the road" people. It may be hard for me to describe, but I'm speaking of laid back people that have enough money to get by, but aren't wealthy. People that are not always striving for more opulent things in their life. I see a group of people in STL where STUFF matters. It seems to me that this particular group has been sort of enthralled with the old money in STL and they want those things as well. They can come of as sort of snobby because they have a pretty strong materialistic streak. Then there is also a strong contingent of people that the upper half would call "hoosiers". This would be that less wealthy group to put it simply. The group that keeps Budweiser and generic brand cigarettes in business (hard to write that without sounding like one of the snobs). In general my impression is that this disparity comes greatly from the inordinate number of private schools in STL. There is a status that comes with attending a private school. Plus private schools rely on alumni sending their kids there. So that is going to automatically create a sense of cliqueishness.
All this being said, I have lived here about 10 months and I love the city. Most of the people that I've become at least acquaintances with have been transplants. But the STL natives I've met have been friendly and inviting as well. I just didn't expect to come here and make close friends right away, especially with people that have lived here there whole lives.
2. My experience since moving here has been that I find people here in general to be very friendly. I've had more people just strike up a conversation or make an effort to talk to me here than I ever had in Phoenix. I've found people in the service industry here to be much friendlier as well.
I especially agree with the bolded, and I think there's a big reason for this. Because the cost of housing and jobs are so much more in line here than many other places nationally, individuals can work in service businesses and still afford a middle class style of living. Nothing ornate, but certainly not bunking up with 3 or 4 other roomates and splitting rent. The average age of a service worker also tends to be older as a result. In turn there is more pride and caring if you enter into a place of retail business, such as Schnuck's or another supermarket, relative to a similar store in Phoenix or southern New Mexico, my last home.
Friendlier employees usually are less financially stressed and more established in their craft.
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