i can never write enough

There is just no way that I can even come close to putting down all the thoughts, fears, pain, failures, and moments that occur in just a singel 24 hours. I suppose that is why I skip so many days, weeks, and months blogging. It is just so overwhelming, and I can't seem to find a place to start. Mostly, I just feel like like nobody can see me, the real me. Or maybe that nobody cares to. I am forever talking to the back of a phone, or to a back of an actual person as they walk away. Even if I am asked a question, directly, I can't get the answer out before the person has either began to walk away, or started talking over me. I feel that huge lonlieness with Matthew already. I can recall a few occasions that he stopped everything he was doing, put the phone down, turned the tv off or down, and just looked at me, or held me, while listening, REALLY LISTENING to what I was saying. This was not in the early "honeymoon" phase tho. I was hard pressed to get his attention from the very next day after we spent the night drinking and getting to know each other physically. That night he really listened and focused on my words, or so it seemed. I don't even think I remember seeing his phone. The real connection I felt was so refreshing. The next morning was nice too, after our couple hour siesta. Then once he started feeling ill, and spent the afternoon throwing up and in pain, I didn't see the guy that seemed interested in who I was for quite some time again. It wasn't till he moved in and it was still awhile. From the second time we spent time together on, it has been him laying down with his phone in his hand, and the tv on, unless we were having sex, and then even I have faced the back of his phone. There have been about 5-7 times, like I said before, when he just tunes in to my words and really seems to be listening, but very few. As soon as sex is over, he barely rolls over before his phone is back in his hand, and I am alone. I have lived this for 2 decades. Playing second to the computer, porn, then the phone. I don't want to be the third wheel, and I don't want to fight for someones attention against an electronic. And I will get the same response when I point this out, now as before. Anger and then its about me being on the phone constantly. I get in scolded for not answering texts or calls because I don't hold my phone all the time and can't hear it. Matthew seems to have pulled away a bit, and it hurts. He said tonight that he can't ever open up to me all the way, because I might leave. That he doesn't like himself and is ashamed of who he was and things he did in his past to get where he is now. He has told me over and over that he tells me everything, and I have told him all that my past is, but that is whol I am. I now wonder about his past and what he is referring to, when I was only curious about his life before, I am now really wondering what he could possibly have in his past that he is so tight lipped. I only have bad thoughts about it now, beause I am hurt that he doesn't feel like he can tell me. He walls are high, and his anger and judgement of the rest of the world is so hard to hear.