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Also, if the marriage is being affected, I would think that is all the more reason to inform the daughter. By now, it's very likely she feels a problem in the house and she needs to know. I don't think 9 is too young. I'm surprised the father's family can be in contact with both kids and keep this such a secret.
I know! The thing is, there are pics of Nick all over the grandparents house and now our daughter notices them. One time, my sis in law answered my daughter"oh that is your cousin, Michael" which was a lie! They live in Florida so we only see them there once a year, but next time we go there and my daughter asks again, I will say"go ask your father who that man is"....and see what he has to say...I already told him I was going to do that if she asked me. I am not answering her with the same thing my sis in law did.
Your husband should first contact his son and find out if he even wants a relationship with him first. Then if they build a Father / Son relationship then he can ask his son if he would like to get to know the sister her never had. That or maybe wait until she is 18 or 21 then tell her regareless of any relationship or not with the son.
She is only 9 and I doubt very much she would fully understand. She may have a fight with Dad one day and use his having to give up her brother against him, kids do that. What she doesn't know now at only 9 years old won't hurt her. I would chance that she will understand why he and the family had to lie to her when she is old enough to understand that that was what he had to agree to. Although now that the son is old enough (18) then it may be that your husband can, as suggested above, can go to his son now. He's not a minor child anymore so he does have every right to be with his son now. I missed some posts here so I'm sorry if I missed anything about the son not knowing who he really is.
Your husband should first contact his son and find out if he even wants a relationship with him first. Then if they build a Father / Son relationship then he can ask his son if he would like to get to know the sister her never had. That or maybe wait until she is 18 or 21 then tell her regareless of any relationship or not with the son.
She is only 9 and I doubt very much she would fully understand. She may have a fight with Dad one day and use his having to give up her brother against him, kids do that. What she doesn't know now at only 9 years old won't hurt her. I would chance that she will understand why he and the family had to lie to her when she is old enough to understand that that was what he had to agree to. Although now that the son is old enough (18) then it may be that your husband can, as suggested above, can go to his son now. He's not a minor child anymore so he does have every right to be with his son now. I missed some posts here so I'm sorry if I missed anything about the son not knowing who he really is.
Green: So... you're advocating lying unless the son wants contact at the age of 18? What if the son changes his mind in 12 years... a lie changes things in a way the truth never will.
Blue: I told mine about the child I gave up for adoption when they were very young ... it's something they've always just 'known'. She was never a secret. My youngest is 9 and certainly understands why, when, who.
Red: Wrong. When you release a child for adoption, you give up your rights. The child turning 18 does not somehow 're-grant' them. Frankly, as a birthmother, I wouldn't want them to anyway. Even if the 'reunion' with my 1st daughter wasn't such a disappointment... she and her adoptive parents felt that I owed them her college tuition because they'd already spent so much raising her. (I gave her up at birth to them) OT -the way she turned out is why I'm no longer an advocate of adoption.
Red: Wrong. When you release a child for adoption, you give up your rights. The child turning 18 does not somehow 're-grant' them.
That's not what was meant. It means now that the son is 18, your husband does not have to get permission from son's mom for contact/relationship. He can directly approach him if he wants to.
Red: Wrong. When you release a child for adoption, you give up your rights. The child turning 18 does not somehow 're-grant' them. Frankly, as a birthmother, I wouldn't want them to anyway. Even if the 'reunion' with my 1st daughter wasn't such a disappointment... she and her adoptive parents felt that I owed them her college tuition because they'd already spent so much raising her. (I gave her up at birth to them) OT -the way she turned out is why I'm no longer an advocate of adoption.
I realize all of us have our own experiences. I cannot judge another without walking in their shoes.
However, on the contrary, I will be an advocate for adoption until the day that I die. Its brought blessings to my wife and I and more importantly, the children we adopted.
I'm sorry to hear the comment about college expenses. I'm paying for my son to go to the best university in this state right now. I'm not positive that he will last there. However, I'm doing everything I can to see that he does.
I am not only an advocate for adoption. I also generally advocate open adoption in cases other than those involving: 1. neglect or abuse; or 2. If the birth mother makes it absolutely clear she desires a closed adoption.
Green: So... you're advocating lying unless the son wants contact at the age of 18? What if the son changes his mind in 12 years... a lie changes things in a way the truth never will.
Blue: I told mine about the child I gave up for adoption when they were very young ... it's something they've always just 'known'. She was never a secret. My youngest is 9 and certainly understands why, when, who.
Red: Wrong. When you release a child for adoption, you give up your rights. The child turning 18 does not somehow 're-grant' them. Frankly, as a birthmother, I wouldn't want them to anyway. Even if the 'reunion' with my 1st daughter wasn't such a disappointment... she and her adoptive parents felt that I owed them her college tuition because they'd already spent so much raising her. (I gave her up at birth to them) OT -the way she turned out is why I'm no longer an advocate of adoption.
Geez I'm sorry to hear about your 1st daughters idiot adoptive parents. Yes I'm saying lie until he even knows if the son would want to meet his daughter. What if he tells her and then she wants to contact her brother? what if her brother ( his son ) Doesn't want to be contacted by his half sister? that would not be good for anyone for that to happen. Why tell her now? what's the big deal so she asks questions? it shouldn't be up to her Mom to tell her and if he chooses not to then so be it let it be up to the other relatives to tell her. I don't know that he even has the legal right to tell her his own daughter because he cannot allow his son to know he is his Father and I think his telling his daughter could lead to his son finding out who he really is. Both have to consider any legal reprocussions for telling their daughter.
Telling her at 9 years old IMO is just too young. I' glad it worked out for you but I wouldn't chance it. I know at 9 yrs. old they understand the why, when and who I just doubt that they understand that in the heat of an argument, which is bound to happen, for whatever reason, she can easily use it against him to hurt him in a fit of anger. Kids do that and so do some adults but at her age I think she is more likely to because she still has a lot of growing up to do yet.
As to the Red: I am pretty sure it's the person (parent) who puts the child up for adoption who cannot be contacted by the child but if the biological parent wants to contact the child they put up for adoption they can when the child turns 18. That's why I suggested first finding out if his son would want to meet his half sister, that reason, and because it's perfectly natural for her to at some point, sooner or later, want to contact him and let him know who she is and get to know him. If he tells her she may very well do just that. Imagine what can of worms, which could become a legal problem, are opened up by that happening.
I don't understand how the son could be so close and have the OP's husband's family in his life and not know they are his biological Father's side of the family? I mean he's being lied to about his biological Father just as the Op's daughter is being lied to by her Father. So what is the whole entire family on his side saying his Father died? what is he being told happened to his real Father? I don't recall if this was answered in thread.
Geez I'm sorry to hear about your 1st daughters idiot adoptive parents. Yes I'm saying lie until he even knows if the son would want to meet his daughter. What if he tells her and then she wants to contact her brother? what if her brother ( his son ) Doesn't want to be contacted by his half sister? that would not be good for anyone for that to happen. Why tell her now? what's the big deal so she asks questions? it shouldn't be up to her Mom to tell her and if he chooses not to then so be it let it be up to the other relatives to tell her. I don't know that he even has the legal right to tell her his own daughter because he cannot allow his son to know he is his Father and I think his telling his daughter could lead to his son finding out who he really is. Both have to consider any legal reprocussions for telling their daughter.
Telling her at 9 years old IMO is just too young. I' glad it worked out for you but I wouldn't chance it. I know at 9 yrs. old they understand the why, when and who I just doubt that they understand that in the heat of an argument, which is bound to happen, for whatever reason, she can easily use it against him to hurt him in a fit of anger. Kids do that and so do some adults but at her age I think she is more likely to because she still has a lot of growing up to do yet.
As to the Red: I am pretty sure it's the person (parent) who puts the child up for adoption who cannot be contacted by the child but if the biological parent wants to contact the child they put up for adoption they can when the child turns 18. That's why I suggested first finding out if his son would want to meet his half sister, that reason, and because it's perfectly natural for her to at some point, sooner or later, want to contact him and let him know who she is and get to know him. If he tells her she may very well do just that. Imagine what can of worms, which could become a legal problem, are opened up by that happening.
I don't understand how the son could be so close and have the OP's husband's family in his life and not know they are his biological Father's side of the family? I mean he's being lied to about his biological Father just as the Op's daughter is being lied to by her Father. So what is the whole entire family on his side saying his Father died? what is he being told happened to his real Father? I don't recall if this was answered in thread.
Yes, Nickolas knows that my husband is his real dad, but we are not sure what he was told when he was younger. Yeah, there are pics of him in the living room and once a while ago, my daughter asked who that was and my husbands sister lied and said 'your cousin" and I was furious she lied, but what would I have said if she had asked me? My husband is afraid to contact his son prob out of guilt and he told me that if we tell Danielle, then she is going to want to get to know him and my husband does not even have a relationship with his son, only the other family members....we live in La and they are in Florida so we only see them occasionally. it is a mess, but right now I am letting things lie forthe time being.
In the end...I will tell you that secrets and lies in a family have a way of creating damage and complete foundations of a lifetime of trust is gone in an instant.
Yes, Nickolas knows that my husband is his real dad, but we are not sure what he was told when he was younger. Yeah, there are pics of him in the living room and once a while ago, my daughter asked who that was and my husbands sister lied and said 'your cousin" and I was furious she lied, but what would I have said if she had asked me? My husband is afraid to contact his son prob out of guilt and he told me that if we tell Danielle, then she is going to want to get to know him and my husband does not even have a relationship with his son, only the other family members....we live in La and they are in Florida so we only see them occasionally. it is a mess, but right now I am letting things lie forthe time being.
Perhaps maybe it's time to tell her something, but with limited information. If she's seen pictures and actually asked the question, I agree it's not a good idea for her to be lied to. It may also be time to say to the husband, that it isn't all about him, and if he feels guilty about not having kept in touch, that's his own separate issue. Only you and your husband can be the judge of whether she is mature enough to handle knowing she has a brother, and understanding why it maybe isn't possible at this time for him to be a part of her life.
Yes, Nickolas knows that my husband is his real dad, but we are not sure what he was told when he was younger. Yeah, there are pics of him in the living room and once a while ago, my daughter asked who that was and my husbands sister lied and said 'your cousin" and I was furious she lied, but what would I have said if she had asked me? My husband is afraid to contact his son prob out of guilt and he told me that if we tell Danielle, then she is going to want to get to know him and my husband does not even have a relationship with his son, only the other family members....we live in La and they are in Florida so we only see them occasionally. it is a mess, but right now I am letting things lie forthe time being.
It looks like your making progress with this!
I'm glad that you give it so much thought about what it would do to your own family life. He's a great dad to your daughter & if given the chance; I bet he would have been a great dad to his son too.
You've admitted that you also don't know what you would have said to your daughter which is a big ah ha moment.. because really when it does happen; we can't control what comes out..
I understand why he's scared to make contact; but what I see; the longer it's put on the back burner; the longer his son has to stew about what he was told. I do feel your hub has the upper hand here because it was not something he wanted to do.
Are any of you in counseling still? I would be nice if they could meet & have someone else with them; maybe even you because you could vouch for him as a dad to your daughter & how you can't see that he'd ever walk away from his own child.
~Hugs
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