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Why should I pay for the care of them if they have or had the chance to make the right decisions to care for themselves, and in the process deplete funds that could be used to care for my own old age so that I don't expect my future kids to do the same for me?
I only make about $25,000/year and don't have the time. If I were sending gobs of cash to them I would be unable to save for my retirement.
Sometimes it's not about the money. Here's the post you were responding to:
Quote:
I don't have the money:
Then give your time,
I don't have the time:
So your time is more valuable than everyone else's? Send money, enough to make a difference
I Can't Bear to See Mom/Dad Like That:
Do you think your siblings take joy in it?
I live too far away:
Again, send money to pay for respite care. And send enough to make a damn difference.
Sometimes, no matter how well parents have planned, no matter how much money they've set aside, they still need lots of help - and it would be GREAT if that help came from people who they love rather than strangers. It's very common for one adult child to basically get "stuck" with doing all the extra caregiving that is required. The post above isn't talking about fiscal responsibility - it's a post from that "lucky adult kid" who lives close enough to bear the brunt of the duties that "money can't buy," such as, for instance, being the one who goes with the parent to the doctor's visits, or being the one the nursing home calls when Mom has to be taken to the ER, the one who sits up all night at the ER with Mom, the one who does all the running around to the bank, to the CPA, getting tax paperwork together, or arranging for help to come in, or running errands because the person the elderly parent tried to hire was really a con artist who was trying to steal from the parent, etc etc etc
I'm pretty sure if you only make $25k a year, no one is going to be counting on you when it comes to finances. But there are other needs that take a toll on the sibling or child who gets to be the one who's mowing the yard, or being a driver, or writing out checks, or taking Dad to see an estate attorney because he can't drive anymore, or going over and trying to give a dog pills because Mom can't see well enough to do that anymore but her precious dog needs daily medication - you get the picture, right?
Why should I pay for the care of them if they have or had the chance to make the right decisions to care for themselves, and in the process deplete funds that could be used to care for my own old age so that I don't expect my future kids to do the same for me?
I only make about $25,000/year and don't have the time. If I were sending gobs of cash to them I would be unable to save for my retirement.
I wouldn't talk about making "right decisions" if you're in a job that only pays $25K a year.
[quote=KathrynAragon;42923902]Sometimes it's not about the money. Here's the post you were responding to:
Sometimes, no matter how well parents have planned, no matter how much money they've set aside, they still need lots of help - and it would be GREAT if that help came from people who they love rather than strangers. It's very common for one adult child to basically get "stuck" with doing all the extra caregiving that is required. The post above isn't talking about fiscal responsibility - it's a post from that "lucky adult kid" who lives close enough to bear the brunt of the duties that "money can't buy," such as, for instance, being the one who goes with the parent to the doctor's visits, or being the one the nursing home calls when Mom has to be taken to the ER, the one who sits up all night at the ER with Mom, the one who does all the running around to the bank, to the CPA, getting tax paperwork together, or arranging for help to come in, or running errands because the person the elderly parent tried to hire was really a con artist who was trying to steal from the parent, etc etc etc
I'm pretty sure if you only make $25k a year, no one is going to be counting on you when it comes to finances. But there are other needs that take a toll on the sibling or child who gets to be the one who's mowing the yard, or being a driver, or writing out checks, or taking Dad to see an estate attorney because he can't drive anymore, or going over and trying to give a dog pills because Mom can't see well enough to do that anymore but her precious dog needs daily medication - you get the picture, right?[/QUOTE]
Great comments, but they're lost on those who are self absorbed.
This is why you should always be the sibling that moves away. Who would want to be a caregiver for a feeble old parent. Stick that job with the youngest sibling or whoever decided to live close by.
People that require YEARS of intense caregiving should have the decency to end their own life as to not be such a burden on others, especially if they don't have the finances to pay for a caregiver or home.
My grandpa in law is a miserable waste of existence. He has been on his deathbed since I've met my wife, so for 7 years now. He's sucked up hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Medicare\medicaid in that time. All for what? To lie there for a few more months on breathing machines? I will swallow a bullet before I EVER put my kids through that. It's very selfish when you think about it. I don't understand why more people don't see it that way.
As more people live longer and longer and need care for years and years, we need to move towards death with dignity as being legal, socially acceptable and encouraged. It would free up a lot of money and medical resources for people who still have a shot at life to have life saving operations.
I'm not talking about helping grandma go grocery shopping here, I am talking about people who are more or less worthless, can't do anything on their own and aren't even in their right mind.
When the time comes, I'll help my parents out financially. If they need 24/7 care, my brother is doing it or I'm putting them in a home. I don't expect my kids to take care of me, so my parents should expect that of me.
This is why you should always be the sibling that moves away. Who would want to be a caregiver for a feeble old parent. Stick that job with the youngest sibling or whoever decided to live close by.
People that require YEARS of intense caregiving should have the decency to end their own life as to not be such a burden on others, especially if they don't have the finances to pay for a caregiver or home.
My grandpa in law is a miserable waste of existence. He has been on his deathbed since I've met my wife, so for 7 years now. He's sucked up hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Medicare\medicaid in that time. All for what? To lie there for a few more months on breathing machines? I will swallow a bullet before I EVER put my kids through that. It's very selfish when you think about it. I don't understand why more people don't see it that way.
As more people live longer and longer and need care for years and years, we need to move towards death with dignity as being legal, socially acceptable and encouraged. It would free up a lot of money and medical resources for people who still have a shot at life to have life saving operations.
I'm not talking about helping grandma go grocery shopping here, I am talking about people who are more or less worthless, can't do anything on their own and aren't even in their right mind.
When the time comes, I'll help my parents out financially. If they need 24/7 care, my brother is doing it or I'm putting them in a home. I don't expect my kids to take care of me, so my parents should expect that of me.
This is why you should always be the sibling that moves away. Who would want to be a caregiver for a feeble old parent. Stick that job with the youngest sibling or whoever decided to live close by.
People that require YEARS of intense caregiving should have the decency to end their own life as to not be such a burden on others, especially if they don't have the finances to pay for a caregiver or home.
My grandpa in law is a miserable waste of existence. He has been on his deathbed since I've met my wife, so for 7 years now. He's sucked up hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of Medicare\medicaid in that time. All for what? To lie there for a few more months on breathing machines? I will swallow a bullet before I EVER put my kids through that. It's very selfish when you think about it. I don't understand why more people don't see it that way.
As more people live longer and longer and need care for years and years, we need to move towards death with dignity as being legal, socially acceptable and encouraged. It would free up a lot of money and medical resources for people who still have a shot at life to have life saving operations.
I'm not talking about helping grandma go grocery shopping here, I am talking about people who are more or less worthless, can't do anything on their own and aren't even in their right mind.
When the time comes, I'll help my parents out financially. If they need 24/7 care, my brother is doing it or I'm putting them in a home. I don't expect my kids to take care of me, so my parents should expect that of me.
Sad but true.
Not everyone who needs help is as helpless as your grandfather in law.
For instance, my mom has had a stroke but she didn't lose her memory or life skills and she's not weak on one side or anything. The stroke affected her optic nerve, so she can't drive. It also affected some of her reasoning abilities, so she needs some help but she's basically a happy, creative, friendly, woman who is also a good conversationalist. She is easily confused and has some dementia as well, but she's active and cheerful. She walks regularly, loves her house, her husband, her dogs, her kids and grandkids, working in her yard, etc. But I promise you - if my dad died, or became incapacitated, she cannot live completely independently. She would need lots of help - and that help would come from me most likely since my two brothers have moved far away, years ago.
I can't imagine telling her that she needs to choose death with dignity over needing me to help her.
There are lots of people who do not need 24/7 care but who DO need a lot of care in their elderly years.
I hope you've made it very clear to your parents and your brother that they shouldn't expect any hands on care from you. If not, please do so immediately. They deserve to know where you stand on this long before the situation may arise.
No, I don't think it's a "valid reason" to not help your siblings with a parent.
No matter what the parent was like, helping out is the right thing to do.
I agree the sibling can send some money or make some casseroles or soup...or show up once in a while and clean the house or clean the fridge or spruce up the yard. Or run to the medical supply store. There are tons of things to be done.
I'm sick of people's excuses.
I don't really care what you're sick of, nor do I care what the OP wants. It absolutely does indeed matter "what the parent was like". I've shared enough throughout this forum in a few posts here and there, more than I probably should have, so I'm not going to explain to you, the OP, or anyone else on this forum why I will not lift a single finger for the parental units. They made their beds, they get to lie in them when the time comes. Tough cookies if you and the OP don't like it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
Apparantly you have no idea what abuse and neglect of a child is.
I am sick of people who have no experience of abuse and neglect as a child saying they are sick of people's excuses.
I already repped you, I'm not allowed to do it again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
OMG! You have no idea what you're talking about. We all don't have mothers who are Donna Reed. My mother is physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. She has numerous medical problems and does not follow her doctors advice at all! NONE! Diabetics aren't supposed to eat bags of popcorn in an hour, but she does. She has her favorites and she couldn't be more obvious if she tried. She's also a hoarder. Cleaning her house would take several dumpsters, protective gear, and weeks. Spruce up the yard? She's a hoarder! It looks like Sanford & Son.
Thanks, but I took her abuse for years. She was hitting me until the week before I got married. I moved out and she couldn't reach me anymore. That's how that ended. And I was 21 years old. I paid rent to her, bought my own food and clothing, paid for gas in my car, had my own car policy - I was not on my parents' policy, etc. So why did she get to treat me like that and it's ok? She NEVER treated my brother and sister like that. Then again I'm from her first marriage. My brother farts rainbows. My sister sneezes roses. I'm the spawn of Satan and wasn't wanted because my father left.
If you think for one minute I would take care of her, you're insane. I do NOT owe her or anyone else a damn thing! Nor do I have to pay for it!
There's a reason I moved a thousand miles away. I'm not that far away now, but I'm still several hours away. And no I don't ever visit my parents. I have no reason to. I don't speak to the either. Why on earth would I? You have to take care of yourself. No one else will!
Exactly right. Some people cannot grasp that others will indeed sever ties from their "family", and the reasons for doing so are healthy, completely valid, and not open for debate. You are under absolutely no obligation at all to care for someone who refused to care for you when you were a child. Actions have consequences.
People that require YEARS of intense caregiving should have the decency to end their own life as to not be such a burden on others, especially if they don't have the finances to pay for a caregiver or home.
This is why you should always be the sibling that moves away. Who would want to be a caregiver for a feeble old parent. Stick that job with the youngest sibling or whoever decided to live close by.
IMO, "sticking" the job with another sibling is not the solution. It's totally unfair. If one sibling has to do it, all should share the burden to the extent possible.
Quote:
People that require YEARS of intense caregiving should have the decency to end their own life as to not be such a burden on others, especially if they don't have the finances to pay for a caregiver or home.
I almost want to agree with this, but I think usually there are many measures short of suicide that could relieve the burden on family, and should be implemented. Be willing to leave your private home with all the maintenance that must be done by someone else. Be willing to downsize, use public transit if you can, go shopping less often, accept help from non-family, reduce other spending to conserve funds for paid help, etc. Shop online. Learn to use an e-reader so you don't need a weekly library trip. Don't expect everything to be as it was when you were younger, now that every task requires someone else's time and energy.
The problem with a lot of elders is that the won't accept change. They want everything to stay the way it was for them, even if it puts a huge burden on someone else.
For those who actually require intensive caregiving, there are facilities, and there is Medicaid for those who can't pay. Nobody should ever expect their family to keep them (or their surviving spouse) out of a nursing home when skilled nursing care is what they need. If they'd rather end their life prematurely than spend their last days in a facility, that should be their choice.
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