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This isn't Kathryn's first rodeo. I'm sure she more than anyone knows what's what when it comes to facilities.
KA -- I feel for you trying to get your mom to bathe properly. Maybe one of the caregivers in the assisted living area can offer some tips? Hang in there and I wish you a very happy, healthy and sane 2017.
This isn't Kathryn's first rodeo. I'm sure she more than anyone knows what's what when it comes to facilities.
KA -- I feel for you trying to get your mom to bathe properly. Maybe one of the caregivers in the assisted living area can offer some tips? Hang in there and I wish you a very happy, healthy and sane 2017.
LOL thanks - yes, this is Round Three (out of four) elderly parents - my dad died suddenly and before having to move to any sort of facility but the other three...not so "lucky." Not them - and not me.
That sounded terrible, I know. But the truth is, most of us don't want to get to the point where we need assistance in every day, very personal things, such as bathing. Most of us really, really don't want to ever have to buy a package of Depends for ourselves - let alone have someone else buy them for us. And don't even get me started on having to have someone CHANGE them for us.
To those who may not know it - my MIL was stricken with a double whammy - Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. She literally died of Alzheimer's - lots of people have it but die of something else before it runs it's full course. No, my MIL got to experience the awful fullness of the horror of Alzheimer's, and we had to watch it destroy her mind, body and soul.
Since her husband was critically ill, and then passed away (after months of "rehab" in a facility) my husband and I became her guardians. And my husband works out of state for two weeks out of every month. So guess who was her guardian then.
She was too sick and too impaired for us to keep her at home. In fact, her husband nearly broke the bank trying to do that (and broke his own health in the process). So she went from home with aides coming in, to home with round the clock care, to our home (for a very short time - just long enough for us to realize we'd bitten off way more than we could chew), to assisted living, and then to memory care, and finally to hospice care. We shopped and interviewed and toured every sort of facility known to man, because prior to her husband's heart attack (and then broken hip), we thought they would be good candidates for independent living. Well, then SORT OF independent living. Then assisted living...then, well, by then the husband was dead and she went into memory care.
So I use the term "independent living" loosely, because apparently it has a wide range of meanings, even in the small city we live in. My mom is in a very controlled and safe environment, which gives her the FEELING of being independent because she can come and go as she pleases (except she has no car so there's that), but it's very easy to monitor her and give her extra help when she needs it.
THE SMELL - wow, it's driving us all a little crazy. We moved her over to the facility. We went through everything in her closet and bathroom and toiletries. We could find NOTHING that she's putting on herself that had anything close to this particular, very strange odor.
I think she's not bathing often enough, but since she doesn't DO anything strenuous and now she doesn't even cook or clean - she simply glides around dressed elaborately every day, with her scarf fluttering behind her, clutching her Mardi Gras beads - she LOOKS clean but actually is not clean. This is a problem because she is VERY sensitive about any sort of criticism of "her person." See, my mother has always been a beautiful woman - strikingly beautiful, beautiful as in Vivian Leigh beautiful. My dad always made a big deal about it, so she always dressed carefully and it was VERY important to her to retain her beauty and poise around my dad. She spends hours digging around in her closet, putting outfits together, etc.
The weird thing is that I think either her vascular dementia or stroke damage has really altered her perception of what she looks like. For instance, she now has quite the collection of LONG chin hairs going on. My dad had an art about how to tell her about them but honestly, until about a year ago, she was very aware of their propensity to suddenly grow, and she was hyper alert to any hint of "chin hair." She would immediately pluck them out and was always on the lookout for them. But over the past year, my dad and I both noticed that she was just letting them grow and grow and grow.
I think people with dementia somehow simply don't see what we see. Not in the mirror, not when they look into our faces, not when they look at a calendar or a clock, not even when they look outside. For instance, my mom has said I don't know how many times, "Well, it's great that winter is over and spring is here." When I say, "Mom, it's still December!" she shrugs and says, "Well imagine that." During the summer, if there was the slightest breeze, she'd suddenly exclaim, "Brrrrr! I'll be glad when winter is over!"
Oh well.
I'm only going by what you've said in your many posts. This is NOT independent living. The word "independent" is not debatable. The word "assisted" is not debatable. The level and type might be but by it's very definition, it means one needs assistance.
You mention dementia. There's your clue. Some people thrive on drama.
Quote:
I think people with dementia somehow simply don't see what we see. Not in the mirror, not when they look into our faces, not when they look at a calendar or a clock, not even when they look outside.
And that's the definition of dementia. Of course they don't see what we see. And they don't smell what we smell. Therein lies the problem.
Last edited by MyNameIsBellaMia; 01-01-2017 at 12:25 AM..
Thank you all for the tips and advice. I am flummoxed. I know she took a shower and washed her hair today - and yet that smell is still just reeking from her. Her entire apartment smells like it. She is making my car smell like it! Whatever "it" is.
She absolutely will not take any advice bath or product wise. I've tried. I've tried telling her that coconut oil may go bad and if she puts it in her hair and then doesn't wash her hair for a week, it's likely to start smelling bad. But honestly, after today, when I know she washed her hair this morning, I am not sure that's it.
I think she's using coconut oil all over herself and then not bathing for an entire week. So it gets funky. I think that's part of it. I also think she's not using deodorant (well, I know she's not using deodorant) and she refuses to use any scented lotions, powders, or sprays. And then there's the urine part of it - I know she wears pads because she has leakage issues - I think the meds she's taking must be making her urine smell sort of funny - that must be the acidic part of the issue.
I think this is more than one thing and I think if she doesn't change it ALL she may just keep smelling like this. For instance, I know she's going to need to keep wearing pads - but I think if she changed them more often and bathed more often (neither is going to happen, I promise that) then it might cut down on the odor.
Man, I don't know what it is but it be's funk.
This is sneaky, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Find some product that doesn't have a scent, but resembles the consistency of the coconut oil that she's using, and switch the contents of her bottle. While it is sneaky, I think it's kinder than telling her she doesn't smell good. Plus that, it sounds like she's never going to believe you anyway because she doesn't smell whatever you're smelling. Good Luck!
I'm only going by what you've said in your many posts. This is NOT independent living. The word "independent" is not debatable. The word "assisted" is not debatable. The level and type might be but by it's very definition, it means one needs assistance.
The term "independent living" is what we are discussing here. And it DOES have a variety of meanings and nuances, depending on the setting, the facility, etc.
It isn't me who coined the term for the place she's living at - it's the place itself.
Why are you arguing with me about this? What are you trying to convince me of? I'm uninterested in whether or not you agree with the term Atria uses to describe my mom's facility. I'm only concerned about whether or not my mom is in the right place, and I think she is at this point.
Maybe you could ask your mom to come with you to the facility salon. You could say, " mom, you can sit while I get my hair washed and my nails done". She has already showed you that she wants whatever you have as witnessed by the bracelet, so she might want the beauty services if you are using them. My dad also stunk and his room reeked of that funk. I would crack the window while visiting.
I'll have to think about that one, plantress. Thanks for the idea.
I've actually taken her to a beauty shop before, fairly recently, and my dad even bragged and bragged about her hairstyle, how young it made her look, etc (it wasn't cut that differently, only styled differently) but to no avail. She just turned around and dumped oil all over it again. She's been doing this for a few years now. It was actually one of the first things my dad and I noticed about her being "off."
But I hadn't thought about going and having her sit there with me while I got MY hair done. Hmmm....
Maybe you could ask your mom to come with you to the facility salon. You could say, " mom, you can sit while I get my hair washed and my nails done". She has already showed you that she wants whatever you have as witnessed by the bracelet, so she might want the beauty services if you are using them. My dad also stunk and his room reeked of that funk. I would crack the window while visiting.
I got nothing, except I think you should make the coconut oil disappear. It's not as if she can go buy more.
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