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New locks on the doors next week! Early next week.
I'm very heartened by my conversation with my mom today. The thing is, she DOES know she needs me, and she DOES admire my abilities (which are mostly just common sense and my prior experience in banking and real estate and as the guardian of my MIL before she died and then helping settle their estate all prepared me for this). She also admires my energy, which is pretty constant. She just needs to quit being so defensive and secretive.
She's very prideful and has told me several times recently that she's jealous of me because I "know how to do all this stuff she doesn't understand." Well, I'm not the smartest gal in the world or anything but I did have to work in a professional environment with lots of emphasis on detail and organization and understanding financial matters, so all that is exactly what I needed to have under my belt for this situation. So I am VERY grateful for those experiences and all that training. Now a few people just need to calm down and Shut the F%$# Up (sorry - that's my new motto and I love saying it because it's wicked and I never say the F word - I could get to where I enjoy this too much!).
Actually, it was the attorney helping us with probate that filled me in on what he thought my new motto should be. He recently settled his parents' estate and had to argue and wrangle with his brother and SIL every step of the way. He said he finally figured out what his standard response should be for any number of circumstances where other people began demanding explanations or casting doubt in his direction - he said to me, "Are you ready for my pearls of wisdom?" I said, "I AM!" and he leaned back and grinned and said, "****."
I immediately remembered why I've always liked this guy (I've known him for about 25 years).
He and I don't use any abbreviated words when we say it though.
>>And no, my mom really couldn't stand that. She has always been very competitive with me and jealous of me. At least that's the sense I always got. That just made me uncomfortable. I'm not a particularly competitive person and I really dislike tension, or "office politics" or scheming in any way.<<<
My Dad got to the point where he would lie about seeing me and his grandkids because my mother would get so mad if he ever saw us without her. I was always much closer to my dad but my mother made it very difficult for us to have a relationship.
Does anyone really enjoy tension, 'office politics' and scheming?
>>And no, my mom really couldn't stand that. She has always been very competitive with me and jealous of me. At least that's the sense I always got. That just made me uncomfortable. I'm not a particularly competitive person and I really dislike tension, or "office politics" or scheming in any way.<<<
My Dad got to the point where he would lie about seeing me and his grandkids because my mother would get so mad if he ever saw us without her. I was always much closer to my dad but my mother made it very difficult for us to have a relationship.
Does anyone really enjoy tension, 'office politics' and scheming?
I think that answer is "yes." Well, "enjoy" might not be the best word, but clearly some people intentionally create tension and "office politics" and scheming scenarios.
I will see her for a short amount of time tomorrow. With my dear daughter #2. I am going to keep it short and polite and keep my distance - and will be meeting them at the house, not pal-ing around in the car with them, so that should be bearable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
New locks on the doors next week! Early next week.
...
I'm only going to say this because you have indicated that you don't trust your daughter 100%. The last time that I had the locks on my house changed, after they had done their thing, I wondered how the locksmith company knew that I was the owner of the house and not someone just trying to get the locks changed for devious reasons. Maybe they checked the appraisal district records, but even if they did, they had all the locks changed and had given me new keys before I gave them anything, which was a check with name/address. They didn't ask for ID of any kind before the locks had been changed. Maybe that's a laid back East Texas way of doing things. I don't know.
What's to keep your daughter from going in behind you and having them changed again or even before you get it done? I would assume that she'd have to be inside the house for the locksmith to do his thing, but what's to keep her from gaining access through a window? This is terrible to say, but I'd check the locks on the windows after they clear out just to be sure. I'm not meaning to add to your stress, just wanting to be sure that you've thought about the worst scenario. I think it's kind of weird that your daughter doesn't come to visit regularly but has volunteered to take your mom back to the house for a reminiscent walk-through. Maybe I'm too suspicious.
I'm only going to say this because you have indicated that you don't trust your daughter 100%. The last time that I had the locks on my house changed, after they had done their thing, I wondered how the locksmith company knew that I was the owner of the house and not someone just trying to get the locks changed for devious reasons. Maybe they checked the appraisal district records, but even if they did, they had all the locks changed and had given me new keys before I gave them anything, which was a check with name/address. They didn't ask for ID of any kind before the locks had been changed. Maybe that's a laid back East Texas way of doing things. I don't know.
What's to keep your daughter from going in behind you and having them changed again or even before you get it done? I would assume that she'd have to be inside the house for the locksmith to do his thing, but what's to keep her from gaining access through a window? This is terrible to say, but I'd check the locks on the windows after they clear out just to be sure. I'm not meaning to add to your stress, just wanting to be sure that you've thought about the worst scenario. I think it's kind of weird that your daughter doesn't come to visit regularly but has volunteered to take your mom back to the house for a reminiscent walk-through. Maybe I'm too suspicious.
Good luck with all of this.
Thanks for the heads' up. And like you, I do feel that her motives for taking my mom over to the house for a "reminiscent walk through" are suspect.
Of course, she's getting my grandmother's dining room furniture and so she's probably scoping that out to determine what size trailer they need to rent - if indeed they want it.
See, yet another ramification of her self imposed estrangement - we HAVE a trailer and a pickup truck and would gladly help them move that furniture if she wasn't being so weird.
We live in East Texas too, and when we had the locks changed on my MIL's house, we had to present her death certificate and the letter from the court allowing my husband to act as executor if his brother wasn't able to.
I'm only going to say this because you have indicated that you don't trust your daughter 100%. The last time that I had the locks on my house changed, after they had done their thing, I wondered how the locksmith company knew that I was the owner of the house and not someone just trying to get the locks changed for devious reasons. Maybe they checked the appraisal district records, but even if they did, they had all the locks changed and had given me new keys before I gave them anything, which was a check with name/address. They didn't ask for ID of any kind before the locks had been changed. Maybe that's a laid back East Texas way of doing things. I don't know.
What's to keep your daughter from going in behind you and having them changed again or even before you get it done? I would assume that she'd have to be inside the house for the locksmith to do his thing, but what's to keep her from gaining access through a window? This is terrible to say, but I'd check the locks on the windows after they clear out just to be sure. I'm not meaning to add to your stress, just wanting to be sure that you've thought about the worst scenario. I think it's kind of weird that your daughter doesn't come to visit regularly but has volunteered to take your mom back to the house for a reminiscent walk-through. Maybe I'm too suspicious.
Good luck with all of this.
I was thinking the same thing. Granddaughter rarely, rarely visits Grandma but is insistent that she & Grandma visit Grandma's old house right now.
FYI you can get the locks rekeyed, but keep the same locks. Should save you some money if you want to keep the current locks. The locksmith will give you the new keys on-site and you can get as many extras as needed.
That's a good idea, sware2cod. (funny name, by the way!)
Long story short, there was no significant drama during the visit. Though I will point out that this was my birthday weekend, which I'm sure my daughter knew, and she pointedly took my mother out to eat with her kids, without me, and did not even tell them it was my birthday.
I'm sure she meant to hurt me with that, but believe me, I'm already so accustomed to her shenanigans that it was more a source of amusement than hurt, which is sad in itself. Thankfully, I have four other grandchildren and a wide range of other family and friends who showered me with birthday love.
Anyway, after the few hours with my mom, my daughter called me all upset asking what could be done about how unhappy my mom is, and I told her that no one can make someone else decide to be happy but if she really wants to help cheer her grandmother up, she could come visit her once a week (novel idea, right? NOT - since that's what she's been saying she would do all along and she's managed to come see her exactly once a month instead). Of course, she acted like she would be more than happy to do that. Let's just say I've heard that before, so we'll see.
Then my brother called me and said "we need to brainstorm about how we can help Mom be happier." I talked to him for about an hour and I finally said, "Hey. I spent three hours with Mom today. Then I spent 30 minutes talking to my daughter about her. Now I've spent an hour talking to you about her. Guess what. It's my birthday. On my birthday, I've spent nearly five hours doing nothing but talking about or being around Mom, and people who don't like me. I'm getting off the phone. But first I want to make something clear. I'm not going to spend an hour every night talking with people about Mom. And all that happens when 'we' brainstorm is that 'I' get to do more things and other people think I'm accountable to them. You want to help Mom? Call her every evening and remind her to take her meds. Call her every MWF and remind her to go to therapy. Don't call me every night to discuss how 'we' are going to help make her happier."
Sure enough, tonight he texted me that he had called Mom but she hadn't answered the phone. It was 6 pm. I sent him the number of the facility and texted him saying, "If you want to have someone check on Mom, here's the number you need to call. Now - I'm going to a movie. I won't have my phone with me."
DANG IT!!!!!!!!!! WHY WON'T ALL THESE PEOPLE LEAVE ME THE F ALONE?????????? (I'm liking that word more and more.)
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