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Oh my gosh, I know exactly what you mean about the anesthesia and I am so sorry about your dad. It's terrible to "lose" someone and yet they are still there - well, their body is but the person we have all the memories with is gone. Your dad's reaction seems extreme but I don't doubt it at all - my mom reacted very weirdly to her surgery/anesthesia when she fell and broke her hip and had to have a rod inserted. She has also never fully recovered personality wise - but she was already jacked up so it wasn't as extreme a change as your dad's.
And no, I didn't take your opening remarks in a negative way - I know exactly what you mean. And I also know that what I've been through with my family WOULD drive some people to absolute despair. There are a few reasons I think it didn't do that with me. 1) My paternal grandmother loved us kids dearly and lived with us off and on throughout my childhood, and 2) God just blessed me with the sort of personality that has been able to assimilate this stuff.
I know exactly what you mean though about that pervasive feeling of sadness. Sometimes I wake up to it before I even open my eyes, and that's hard. This started about four years ago when my MIL and FIL both suddenly got very sick simultaneously - and it has literally never let up since then. One parent or another has been either at death's door or very seriously ill non stop since then - and two of the four with dementia. It's been terrible. My challenge has been to try to keep this from fundamentally changing my attitude and demeanor toward life in general. I don't think I've fully succeeded in that endeavor. However, I'm better at assimilating it than I was six months ago so maybe the changes (which haven't been particularly positive) will subside over time. I hope so. I liked who I was BEFORE all this continual tragedy and frustration.
To expand a bit on this, there is a good reason why my dad's reaction seemed so extreme to us at the time. He was the most laid-back, even-keeled and soft spoken man we ever knew. Other than the incidents in the hospital, I had never heard my dad shout or raise his voice like that, much less be violent. That's why we were so in shock. When you see someone change like that, it is difficult to process it. We just knew that, within less than 10 days, he went from living at home to having to enter the memory care unit at the ALF in Granbury.
So we had to scramble and find an ALF with a memory care unit vacancy. There was nothing available in our town so we were put on a waiting list and the hospital social worker found a room in a facility the next town over, 30 miles away.
During all this time, mom was in denial and dealing with her emotions. We all were doing the same. After we took mom to visit him the first time, she lost it and got emotional and said she didn't want to go back anymore to see him. My brother-in-law told her he knew how tough it was for her and all of us, but that it was important to my dad for her to visit him and let him know we were there. And we could only go see him on the weekend since it was not close. So she never said any more about not wanting to go see him, and went with us the times we were able to go.
The worst part happened on Christmas morning, 2015, when they called and told me that he wasn't responding to them. Within 30 minutes they called back and said he had passed away. We were not expecting it on Christmas day and were in a fog for the rest of the day.
Like you, I liked who I was before all of this that we went through with my dad. But things can change in the blink of an eye, and you really don't have any control over it. You just have to stay strong and make it through to the next day.
To expand a bit on this, there is a good reason why my dad's reaction seemed so extreme to us at the time. He was the most laid-back, even-keeled and soft spoken man we ever knew. Other than the incidents in the hospital, I had never heard my dad shout or raise his voice like that, much less be violent. That's why we were so in shock. When you see someone change like that, it is difficult to process it. We just knew that, within less than 10 days, he went from living at home to having to enter the memory care unit at the ALF in Granbury.
So we had to scramble and find an ALF with a memory care unit vacancy. There was nothing available in our town so we were put on a waiting list and the hospital social worker found a room in a facility the next town over, 30 miles away.
During all this time, mom was in denial and dealing with her emotions. We all were doing the same. After we took mom to visit him the first time, she lost it and got emotional and said she didn't want to go back anymore to see him. My brother-in-law told her he knew how tough it was for her and all of us, but that it was important to my dad for her to visit him and let him know we were there. And we could only go see him on the weekend since it was not close. So she never said any more about not wanting to go see him, and went with us the times we were able to go.
The worst part happened on Christmas morning, 2015, when they called and told me that he wasn't responding to them. Within 30 minutes they called back and said he had passed away. We were not expecting it on Christmas day and were in a fog for the rest of the day.
Like you, I liked who I was before all of this that we went through with my dad. But things can change in the blink of an eye, and you really don't have any control over it. You just have to stay strong and make it through to the next day.
Reading this, my heart really goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry this happened. Thankfully, the situation was short lived but still...such a loss and such an ignoble end to your sweet dad's life.
I was so lucky with my dad's death - I know that's a weird way to put it, but in retrospect it was not a bad way to go for him, or for the family, though of course it fell short of "passing away in one's sleep at age 86" which I'm sure he would have preferred.
But though he had a medical condition with his platelet count that was concerning, it was mostly symptom free and he felt pretty good and wasn't unduly alarmed - neither was his doctor. So the massive stroke he had was unexpected. The worst part for him (and the part that tore so much at my heart) is that he did develop "locked in syndrome" meaning that though he could not move at all, he was supposedly 100 percent aware of everything happening around him - hearing, thinking, feeling intact. Considering that my dad was very claustrophobic, this was just horrible to contemplate, even for just a few days. The massive stroke happened on Tuesday evening and by Friday afternoon, he was gone, so it wasn't a LONG time but just thinking of his feelings for even that short amount of time broke my heart.
The only solace I can find is that he did get to hear from every single loved one - even my brother who lives very far away was able to get to his side in time to spend some time with him, talking with him, holding his hand, etc. The only family member who couldn't come in person was my son who lives on Guam. But we held the phone up to my dad's ear and my son talked to him, so that was a relief. (This particular son had just bought airline tickets home in December and just couldn't swing that trip twice in 2 months.)
Anyway, thankfully neither of our dads apparently suffered for long, but as you said, it's still sad and shocking when it happens.
She used to share appetizers, now she doesn't. That sounds like cognitive decline as do the sudden changes in food preferences, among other things. We can't blame her mental illness for those episodes because she is much improved now with medication. KA's husband tried to appeal to her logically but that doesn't work with dementia, and there were no immediate consequences. Her dementia may have worsened, or it may be more defined now that BPD traits aren't masking it.
Old boundaries no longer work. It might have been more effective to firmly tell her, "No." If she persisted, then there should have been clear and immediate consequences, such as leaving the restaurant for example. I am serious that establishing boundaries with dementia is the same as establishing them with toddlers.
I haven't seen any mention that KA's mom has been diagnosed with NPD, only BPD and dementia as far as I know. BPD and NPD can look alike. Negative social traits in BPD are generally adaptations for psychological survival and can include passive-aggressive, narcissistic, borderline, sociopathy and other traits. In other words, BPDs use a cocktail of maladaptive traits to cope psychologically. Narcissistic traits don't make her a Narcissist; sociopathic traits don't make her a Sociopath.
I agree that she might react as you say if she senses that it's a passive-aggressive attempt at revenge. It's also an ambiguous boundary she can push. If she senses they are pleased with themselves as victors, then yep, she will feel attacked and attempt to defend herself in the only way she knows how. I can't stress enough that establishing clear, firm boundaries with immediate consequences as you would with a toddler is key if you want to reduce or eliminate drama, frustration and stress.
To clarify, are you using the acronym BPD to mean bipolar? Because when using acronyms, BPD usually means Borderline Personality Disorder. And BP for bipolar, so as to avoid confusion. One is a mental illness, and another is a personality disorder. You went on to describe Borderline traits, not bipolar.
Whether she's been diagnosed with NPD she certainly displays the traits and has her whole life, well before dementia. The queso incident is classic N. I'm not sure you are catching all the nuances. Hubby is a source of Narcissistic supply to the Mom. She likes male attention. For her to turn on him over his suggestion that she alter her method of getting her queso and chips together caused an immediate dent in his armor as her white knight. Putting him back in his place immediately became her primary goal. Whereas normally she wants to please him. It's fascinating, really.
Anyway, you think that putting a halt to the whole lunch is better boundary setting than just getting two appetizers? I am not in KA's mind so IDK what % of that is making a point and what % is a simple solution to the problem, but either way it's softer and milder than yanking away the lunch for everyone. That's a big play that to my mind would be saved for really egregious behavior.
Reading this, my heart really goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry this happened. Thankfully, the situation was short lived but still...such a loss and such an ignoble end to your sweet dad's life.
I was so lucky with my dad's death - I know that's a weird way to put it, but in retrospect it was not a bad way to go for him, or for the family, though of course it fell short of "passing away in one's sleep at age 86" which I'm sure he would have preferred.
But though he had a medical condition with his platelet count that was concerning, it was mostly symptom free and he felt pretty good and wasn't unduly alarmed - neither was his doctor. So the massive stroke he had was unexpected. The worst part for him (and the part that tore so much at my heart) is that he did develop "locked in syndrome" meaning that though he could not move at all, he was supposedly 100 percent aware of everything happening around him - hearing, thinking, feeling intact. Considering that my dad was very claustrophobic, this was just horrible to contemplate, even for just a few days. The massive stroke happened on Tuesday evening and by Friday afternoon, he was gone, so it wasn't a LONG time but just thinking of his feelings for even that short amount of time broke my heart.
The only solace I can find is that he did get to hear from every single loved one - even my brother who lives very far away was able to get to his side in time to spend some time with him, talking with him, holding his hand, etc. The only family member who couldn't come in person was my son who lives on Guam. But we held the phone up to my dad's ear and my son talked to him, so that was a relief. (This particular son had just bought airline tickets home in December and just couldn't swing that trip twice in 2 months.)
Anyway, thankfully neither of our dads apparently suffered for long, but as you said, it's still sad and shocking when it happens.
I'm sort of afraid to ask, but how did they know he was 'locked in'? Drs told me there was no way to know with my mother and I feared desperately that she was.
Sudden changes in food preferences are common with dementia patients. They don't experience flavor the way they used to.
A google search shows that for many, seroquel does also. And that is the recent change, not a worsening of the dementia. On her meds, a lot of things are going to be different.
I thank God every single day for my husband, who is my very best friend. We didn't meet till we were in our mid forties but we've been together now for nearly 12 years and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him to and I don' t know how true that is, but I do know that we are a good team.
So happy for you. Same here. My husband and I have been married 15 years now, we knew each other growing up, but married the wrong people for nearly 20 years, then found each other again as single parents in our 40's. We even work together all day. Sometimes we can't even believe how happy and blessed we are, we had such terrible first marriages. It's nice to be on the same good team.
I'm sort of afraid to ask, but how did they know he was 'locked in'? Drs told me there was no way to know with my mother and I feared desperately that she was.
Whoever sent me a rep comment about this please dm me. I still wonder about this when something brings it to mind.
I know exactly what you mean though about that pervasive feeling of sadness. Sometimes I wake up to it before I even open my eyes, and that's hard.
I am so glad you mentioned this because I feel I have a "film" of sadness covering me all the time. And I feel alone in that regard.
I used to be a very happy-go-lucky person. After watching my mom's cognition deteriorate over 17 years, and dealing with my father who has continuously refused to seek counseling and thus has continually taken his anger out on ME in those years and moreso now, I feel like I am constantly on edge.
I've had to take on a role of being a "manager" rather than just being the silly fun-loving daughter/wife I used to be. My father is too emotional to deal with anything "tough" so I have had to be the tough one over the years. Being "tough" and "brave" all the time doesn't exactly make me cute and cuddly at home.
It sucks. It's exhausting. It's hard on a career and a marriage.
Anyway, I'm not trying to make this thread about me. It's just comforting to know that others "get it."
Like Kathryn, I too have a wonderful husband and seriously could not get through this without his moral support -- and financial support, as I've had to take quite a bit of time off work over the years.
Was the book People of the Lie by M Scott Peck? If so, I read that one and WOW, it really was helpful. Like you said, dark, but helpful. It made me realize that I'm not alone.
And I'm OK - I really am. I promise. But thank you for your concern, I mean that genuinely.
I need to re-read that. Thank you for bringing it up. I'm sorry for the reason you needed to read it though.......I read it out of interest in psychology. Now I actually need it............there is another book of his I can't remember the name of it, so many of my books are in storage, but it's good for everyone to read. They don't need to be dealing with any of this for it to be helpful. Just in life.
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