Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am going to comment on just the changing diapers part. I am not sure if I ever shared this but my mother was completely bedridden the last year of her life. In her case, severe rheumatoid arthritis made the situation much worse as her body was slowly contacting into a fetal position (in spite of physical therapy). While I do not know her weight at the end, when she became bedridden she was perhaps 180 pounds. Due to her physical challenges, lack of strength, and weight it was very difficult for her diaper to changed by just one person (but that is normally how it had to done). In addition, being moved was very painful for her and she would often cry out in pain or silently cry tears of pain when she was being changed because any movement hurt so very much. And the absolutely worse part was that her mind was completely sharp.
So, this intelligent, articulate woman faced the several times per day humiliation of needing to be cleaned and changed by her 75 year old husband or adult children (even at times by her adult sons) and there was nothing that she could do to change that.
Changing a cognitively-normal, aware adult, weighing 180 pounds, who not only is not able to "help" by moving her legs, etc. but is actually in pain due to being moved is no where near the same as changing a baby or toddler, especially to her regular caregiver - her 75 year old husband, who also had arthritis. And, it certainly was the not the same to my mother as when she had been changed as a baby or a toddler.
Germaine -
I'm sorry for your mother's situation. Both my parents, having become bedridden, also of course required adult briefs and the attendant changing.
Mom was a little more difficult (men can use bedside urinals! Bless!) - but not in the pain your mother was in.
While it's an uncomfortable situation (though honestly, after 9 years of doing this, I don't really think twice about it at this point) that's not a situation that is necessarily any *easier* for the patient in an ltc facility. It is still a loss of bodily autonomy, and potentially dignity.
Fortunately, my parents (and myself) were matter of fact about it. There's no point in getting emotionally upset about things that just are and can't be changed.
Also - when my dad was in a LTC facility (for "rehab" *snort*) - they were atrocious about actually cleaning him up frequently, especially on weekends when staffing was low.
So, I acknowledge easier on the family member if a facility is providing this service, but again - not necessarily easier on the patient.
That said - as always - I 100% support anyone who acknowledges that what is required to provide hands on care for their loved one is beyond their abilities - for whatever reasons.
And keep in mind that some people (myself included) would prefer that paid professionals bathe them and change them, help them get dressed, etc rather than a family member, especially a family member of the opposite sex.
When my MIL reached that point, we were able to specify that only female attendants help her with any personal needs. She did NOT like it when anyone male, including her two sons, helped her. She didn't want to be fed by any family members either.
Many parents flat out refuse to have their child(ren) help them with bathroom issues, bathe, dress, change them, etc. Some will allow a nurse or a health aide to do those things, but they will physically put up a fit against their children. many want to stay the tough, in charge parent...in their eyes, they can't show weakness to their child(ren) and needing help with these issues is weakness in their eyes.
My father-in-law was a great example of this. He had prostate cancer and NEVER told anyone! He went through treatment and never told a soul. The second time he had prostate cancer, he finally told the close family. I was FURIOUS. I am married to his only son and he didn't feel the need to even tell him! He knew that many cancers are genetic, but because of his obnoxious pride he didn't want anyone to know what was going on.
A year or 2 later, he had severe bathroom troubles for weeks. No one knew. When he finally went to the ER, he never told them everything going on so they sent him home with laxatives. A few days later, those laxatives weren't working so back to the ER he went. This time he was referred to his family physician and that doctor's office called him that day. He was seen the next day. Why he wouldn't go to his own doctor is beyond me....oh yeah that obnoxious pride thing.
Turns out that he had not had a bowl movement in over 2 weeks! Umm hello!!! He had colon cancer. It had spread and turned into an incurable liver cancer. He tried to keep these things to himself, but he couldn't because he needed help. He had a cousin take him to the doctors appointments. He would not allow his children to go to the appointments or drive him.
He was a complete jerk through out this ordeal. His friends all thought he was just this strong man and it was great how everyone was helping him. We had absolutely no idea what they were talking about or who they were talking about.
By the time he died from liver cancer, he had so much of his intestines removed. He had a variety of bags and diapers. We never knew about the bags and diapers until after his death when his widow told us. She wasn't allowed to tell us anything while he was alive.
He married her out of the blue. Literally! He gave us 3 weeks notice he was getting married. We could not attend as we lived out of state and vacations had to be approved 3 months in advance at my husband's job. All the kids figured he was marrying for sex....which he was. He was also marrying for a nurse and keep details from the family.
This is NOT the way to go about these things! These illnesses have an impact on others even if they are not helping with the day to day things. My husband now gets colonoscopies every 5 years because of this. He also has to have prostate exams far more often than others because he has a family history. Secrecy could have killed my husband. If it wasn't for the widow, he would have NEVER known about all of this. Because he knows he can take steps to prevent it from happening to him or at the very least, catch these illnesses in the very early stages.
Here's an article from CNN today about being elderly in Florida. It discusses several things that change dramatically in your nervous systems as early as 75! So apparently, I'm going ot walk around with a furnace wrapped around my body.....the things one can learn!
There was absolutely no excuse for that nursing home. They, and everyone else in the state, had been told days ahead that a hurricane was coming and that power would likely be out for days, if not weeks. They have laws requiring NH to have generator backup for just this reason. There's no acceptable reason that they couldn't have had the generator repaired/replaced before the hurricane arrived. Florida Power and Light could not be expected to repair what might have been miles of downed power lines and blown transformers in a few hours. You can call the power company, but they can't perform miracles, or reverse "acts of God" within hours. It takes a 4 or 5 man crew 4-5 hours to replace ONE pole on a good day. Those poor people relied on the NH management to take care of their needs and they were let down in the worst possible way.
i don't live near them. we did sign them up for a taxi service. they want to be in THEIR neighborhood with all their familiar things. it's the same city but they were in a very suburban area whereas they are now in a more urban area that they are unfamiliar with. also, the facility doesn't think it's safe for my mom to go out on her own b/c of her memory issues but she and my dad constantly argue when they are together. i think the problem is they are now mainly confined to a small studio (of course there are meals and activities elsewhere but this is their main living area) whereas before they had their house, their garden, their neighbors and rituals, etc. it's just not easy to get them acclimated to new things, esp when i am not there. the ALF has an activity every day plus 3 meals when everyone gets together. they also get together with friends about once every two weeks or so but it's just not enough for them
I'll go there sounds good. :-) (I can't really, but it sounds just like something I'd want.)
Many parents flat out refuse to have their child(ren) help them with bathroom issues, bathe, dress, change them, etc. Some will allow a nurse or a health aide to do those things, but they will physically put up a fit against their children. many want to stay the tough, in charge parent...in their eyes, they can't show weakness to their child(ren) and needing help with these issues is weakness in their eyes.
My father-in-law was a great example of this. He had prostate cancer and NEVER told anyone! He went through treatment and never told a soul. The second time he had prostate cancer, he finally told the close family. I was FURIOUS. I am married to his only son and he didn't feel the need to even tell him! He knew that many cancers are genetic, but because of his obnoxious pride he didn't want anyone to know what was going on.
A year or 2 later, he had severe bathroom troubles for weeks. No one knew. When he finally went to the ER, he never told them everything going on so they sent him home with laxatives. A few days later, those laxatives weren't working so back to the ER he went. This time he was referred to his family physician and that doctor's office called him that day. He was seen the next day. Why he wouldn't go to his own doctor is beyond me....oh yeah that obnoxious pride thing.
Turns out that he had not had a bowl movement in over 2 weeks! Umm hello!!! He had colon cancer. It had spread and turned into an incurable liver cancer. He tried to keep these things to himself, but he couldn't because he needed help. He had a cousin take him to the doctors appointments. He would not allow his children to go to the appointments or drive him.
He was a complete jerk through out this ordeal. His friends all thought he was just this strong man and it was great how everyone was helping him. We had absolutely no idea what they were talking about or who they were talking about.
By the time he died from liver cancer, he had so much of his intestines removed. He had a variety of bags and diapers. We never knew about the bags and diapers until after his death when his widow told us. She wasn't allowed to tell us anything while he was alive.
He married her out of the blue. Literally! He gave us 3 weeks notice he was getting married. We could not attend as we lived out of state and vacations had to be approved 3 months in advance at my husband's job. All the kids figured he was marrying for sex....which he was. He was also marrying for a nurse and keep details from the family.
This is NOT the way to go about these things! These illnesses have an impact on others even if they are not helping with the day to day things. My husband now gets colonoscopies every 5 years because of this. He also has to have prostate exams far more often than others because he has a family history. Secrecy could have killed my husband. If it wasn't for the widow, he would have NEVER known about all of this. Because he knows he can take steps to prevent it from happening to him or at the very least, catch these illnesses in the very early stages.
Your father-in-law obviously had psychological problems, and -- the fact that he married "out of the blue" shows he had little consideration for his family, unless of course he made up his will to give his family something.
Amen to that, Kathryn. My general approach to life, reinforced by my training as a nurse, is to always be proactive, to think ahead about what might happen and to take action to prevent the bad thing from happening, or to mitigate it if it does happen. Having to react to a bad situation that has already happened is so stressful. And yet here are so many of our parents, unable to think proactively, putting everyone in that reactive place.
My mechanic says I am the only one of his customers who replaces their car battery regularly. He said everyone else waits until it dies and strands them somewhere. I'll bet I'm not the only person on this forum like that.
What a good idea about replacement of battery. Thanks! That is, if I ever get out of the house due to the fact that I fell recently and can't move out of the trailer anyway until a ramp is built. But back to the topic -- regarding planning ahead for situations that might happen, I am going to read your post to my husband, who doesn't like to think ahead of dangers. As an example: our elevator lift broke (with me in it, which is why I suffered serious enough damage to go to hospital ER and why I'm laid up now). A friend came over (a mechanic) and fixed it. So he said, and so said my husband. But I wasn't convinced, even though it was said to have gone up and down five times perfectly after the friend fixed it. My husband just had his hip put together after breaking it and he was supposed to see the doctor. He was convinced he could use the lift with a friend helping him in the wheelchair, and I said, "If you want to do that for yourself, go ahead. I hope nothing happens to you. But if you think you're going to jeopardize a friend who wants to help you, over my dead body. I will throw myself in front of you if you allow that." So he paid attention. And guess what happened? Sure enough! The lift lurched again. Not while he was on it, but another friend came over and pressed the button, and sure enough, it lurched. If he had been on it, he could have suffered severe damage, plus we would have had to call 911 to get him off the lift.
And keep in mind that some people (myself included) would prefer that paid professionals bathe them and change them, help them get dressed, etc rather than a family member, especially a family member of the opposite sex.
When my MIL reached that point, we were able to specify that only female attendants help her with any personal needs. She did NOT like it when anyone male, including her two sons, helped her. She didn't want to be fed by any family members either.
So every situation is different.
I too would rather have someone other than family take care of me. I would NEVER want my sons to have to be involved.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
