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so i think i posted a few months ago about my parents. they were both not doing well physically and mentally. very forgetful, weren't taking their meds. they did not want to have a live in aide. we decided the best thing was to move them to an ALF. we found a great one for them that kept them in their home city. so they have been there about 5 months and their physical health has greatly improved with regular medication and meals. problem is now they're bored! they want to leave. they say they feel stifled and it's not stimulating enough. ugh... i don't know what to do. they can't move back to their house. i don't think they can handle living on their own. ideas??
Not stimulating compared to what? How was staying home more stimulating? They're not prisoners; they can leave and putter around town, and attend events, window shop, attend Meetups, or whatever they want to do. Maybe help them find some interesting community activities? Do they drive? Take them to something fun, and help them figure out the shuttle service their center has, or public transit, or whatever, if they don't drive.
Not stimulating compared to what? How was staying home more stimulating? They're not prisoners; they can leave and putter around town, and attend events, window shop, attend Meetups, or whatever they want to do. Maybe help them find some interesting community activities? Do they drive? Take them to something fun, and help them figure out the shuttle service their center has, or public transit, or whatever, if they don't drive.
i don't live near them. we did sign them up for a taxi service. they want to be in THEIR neighborhood with all their familiar things. it's the same city but they were in a very suburban area whereas they are now in a more urban area that they are unfamiliar with. also, the facility doesn't think it's safe for my mom to go out on her own b/c of her memory issues but she and my dad constantly argue when they are together. i think the problem is they are now mainly confined to a small studio (of course there are meals and activities elsewhere but this is their main living area) whereas before they had their house, their garden, their neighbors and rituals, etc. it's just not easy to get them acclimated to new things, esp when i am not there. the ALF has an activity every day plus 3 meals when everyone gets together. they also get together with friends about once every two weeks or so but it's just not enough for them
Would a gentle but serious conversation about reality perhaps be helpful in getting them to accept their new reality? Maybe if you pointed out how much good has come from their living there for the past several months (the specifics in your post, to which you can probably add much more) for starters.
Did they used to have hobbies that you remember? Maybe you could reintroduce those hobbies. Or just talk with them about finding new hobbies, something easy, even just cutting stuff out of old magazines and making collages.
Also, it occurs to me that maybe they are just talking and don't really expect to relocate again. Maybe it's just part of expressing and getting used to the loss they have been realizing since they moved into the ALF.
I'm wondering - do they need your help in order to move? If so, there's your answer - just don't help.
My mom was saying this sort of thing a few months ago, after we put her house on the market and it was pending. She decided she didn't like where she lived and wanted to move back to her house, her neighborhood, her yard, etc. Like your mom's case, it just wasn't safe for her to live there - plus it would have thrown me right back into having to help her constantly, having to worry about her, worrying about her isolation, whether she had fallen or not, etc. She went so far as to get really horsey with me and tell me "it's my house and my life after all!" and I finally just walked out on her after one of these pointless streams of comments from her. Like you probably feel, I felt sorry for her in so many ways - I WISHED she could still live in her own home and I felt terrible "taking that from her" but the reality was that I didn't take it from her - life and disabilities took it from her.
I just finally told her I refused to discuss it with her any more, because I couldn't reason with her. Like your parents, once she was taking her meds regularly and having nutritious meals cooked for her three times a day and getting that outside stimulation rather than festering all alone in her house, she DID improve. (For a little while.) I think that was the most difficult time period - because in her improved state, which was ONLY because of the facility she was in and those lifestyle changes it brought, she improved and was stronger and better. But I had to remind myself that this was because of her new lifestyle - her old lifestyle was very counterproductive to her health.
So maybe you can just tell your parents that you're not going to discuss it anymore with them - or don't make that proclamation, just quit it. Gently tell them one time why you feel it's in their best interests to stay, and then just don't discuss it with them anymore (because it probably dissolves quickly into an argument). If they need your help to move, then just don't help them.
It is typical for married couples to be seated together at meals in ALF. Perhaps, in your parent's situation, it is just too much togetherness (at this point). Suggest that, for a while, they be seated apart from each other so that they can freely enjoy conversations with other people. If they are not together at meals the hours together in the studio apartment may not seem as oppressing to them.
To carry the theme farther, perhaps they may enjoy not sitting next to each other at the activities ran by the ALF or they could plan separate activities within the facility, or both. Perhaps, Dad may want to play cards with some of the guys each afternoon or Mom may want to read the newspaper each morning in the lounge area. That would give the other person quiet time alone in the apartment.
It just may be that being within a few feet of each other 24/7 is difficult for them. Or they may be just venting and missing their old life and it really is not as big a problem as they as telling to you.
Also, it occurs to me that maybe they are just talking and don't really expect to relocate again. Maybe it's just part of expressing and getting used to the loss they have been realizing since they moved into the ALF.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Or they may be just venting and missing their old life and it really is not as big a problem as they as telling to you.
I thought the same thing when I read the OP. Their venting doesn't mean anything has to, or should, change. There's a reason they can't live at home on their own so there's no point in even entertaining it.
It's hard to hear constant complaints though. Very wearing.
so i think i posted a few months ago about my parents. they were both not doing well physically and mentally. very forgetful, weren't taking their meds. they did not want to have a live in aide. we decided the best thing was to move them to an ALF. we found a great one for them that kept them in their home city. so they have been there about 5 months and their physical health has greatly improved with regular medication and meals. problem is now they're bored! they want to leave. they say they feel stifled and it's not stimulating enough. ugh... i don't know what to do. they can't move back to their house. i don't think they can handle living on their own. ideas??
Are they imprisoned? If not then they can leave if they want. Since when is AL a jail?
And...why can't they die how they want? If they want to die living, then why not let them? If they forget their meds, or fall, or forget to eat and die I'd hope they'd have that right.
Prolonging an elderly life is almost like torture. Nobody wants to live like a pickle in a jar. That's not living.
I think you should love and support their wants and allow them to live and die how they want. At least give them the freedom to do that. They aren't babies, even if they act like it.
I will put in writing to allow myself a death of choosing. If I want to fall and never get up then so be it. It's way better than being in an ALF or worse yet what comes after a nursing home.
My advice - Just follow their wishes and help if you can help in the same way you've always done it and allow them a couple years of more freedom. If you can't help then just don't.
Freedom is the most precious thing as you get on. Your physical body already slowly strips that away, at least you can make a few more good or bad decisions until you kick the bucket.
I hope to die living and not pickled so that's the only advice I can give.
Last edited by Tokinouta; 09-04-2017 at 11:12 AM..
I'm wondering - do they need your help in order to move? If so, there's your answer - just don't help.
My mom was saying this sort of thing a few months ago, after we put her house on the market and it was pending. She decided she didn't like where she lived and wanted to move back to her house, her neighborhood, her yard, etc. Like your mom's case, it just wasn't safe for her to live there - plus it would have thrown me right back into having to help her constantly, having to worry about her, worrying about her isolation, whether she had fallen or not, etc. She went so far as to get really horsey with me and tell me "it's my house and my life after all!" and I finally just walked out on her after one of these pointless streams of comments from her. Like you probably feel, I felt sorry for her in so many ways - I WISHED she could still live in her own home and I felt terrible "taking that from her" but the reality was that I didn't take it from her - life and disabilities took it from her.
I just finally told her I refused to discuss it with her any more, because I couldn't reason with her. Like your parents, once she was taking her meds regularly and having nutritious meals cooked for her three times a day and getting that outside stimulation rather than festering all alone in her house, she DID improve. (For a little while.) I think that was the most difficult time period - because in her improved state, which was ONLY because of the facility she was in and those lifestyle changes it brought, she improved and was stronger and better. But I had to remind myself that this was because of her new lifestyle - her old lifestyle was very counterproductive to her health.
So maybe you can just tell your parents that you're not going to discuss it anymore with them - or don't make that proclamation, just quit it. Gently tell them one time why you feel it's in their best interests to stay, and then just don't discuss it with them anymore (because it probably dissolves quickly into an argument). If they need your help to move, then just don't help them.
What would happen if you did this?
I'd have let her and if I didn't want to help her then I just wouldn't. You can easily hire a person to check on her a few times a week. In home rehab is usually covered by medicare. Let her die there. That's what she wants. Her best interests are what she wants. Not her safety, not her health. She's old, old people die. She's not going to recover and become 40 soon. Why can't people just let nature take it's course?
I get that people don't want to be burdened taking care of their old parents so just don't. Let them try til they die. That's what most of them want. It's what I would want. Why let them suffer out the rest of their days?
I hope I fall on the floor and can't get up. I can remember all the good times while I lie there dying on my own floor. Way better than being saved and put in the pen to slowly suffer for years.
I'd have let her and if I didn't want to help her then I just wouldn't. You can easily hire a person to check on her a few times a week. In home rehab is usually covered by medicare. Let her die there. That's what she wants. Her best interests are what she wants. Not her safety, not her health. She's old, old people die. She's not going to recover and become 40 soon. Why can't people just let nature take it's course?
I get that people don't want to be burdened taking care of their old parents so just don't. Let them try til they die. That's what most of them want. It's what I would want. Why let them suffer out the rest of their days?
I hope I fall on the floor and can't get up. I can remember all the good times while I lie there dying on my own floor. Way better than being saved and put in the pen to slowly suffer for years.
Just Wow Tokinouta.... I get what your saying about living till we die BUT when we become a danger to ourselves we need a bit of help to keep going forward till we stop.. so yeah a ALF is the best answer .. Sure we the children of those parents will feel better about ma & pa being safe .. but the guilt if we didn't keep them safe would be more damaging than the loss of their old lifestyles .. especially when they cant live safely on their own anymore even with occonisial help coming in to check.. ALF isn the caretaker your thinking .. its not hurting them to be there .. IF they want to go out and about they can .. I think what the OP parents want is what they had ( in their minds = the old vs the new ) .. but life changes and they need to change with it .... I think a few suggestions here were spot on .. they are to crowded in that apt so they need to split up and be given other outlets to bring back to the "home" each evening to share ..
BUT suggesting they be allowed to endanger themselves due to poor choices just isn't acceptable anymore .. even if its what they want .. a choice that doesn't come from clear thinking on their part. they are "shorting out" so to speak at this point .. and cant make right choices.. .. allowing them to be "free" is like putting a target on their foreheads and letting the vultures of society pick their bones before they are dead .. unacceptable .. IMHO anyways
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