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I will put in writing to allow myself a death of choosing. If I want to fall and never get up then so be it. It's way better than being in an ALF or worse yet what comes after a nursing home.
When you do get your living will taken care of, you'll find out soon enough that there are things like Elder Care Laws that put the onus of your care on your family, and your "choice of death" will be laughed out of the lawyer's office.
I'd rather die than be "placed" somewhere. Please, just let me fall and not get up. lol I don't want the call button. It's the fastest way to a facility.
I might just have to move to the woods in a small cabin in order to get my wish.
Why not just get a gun? I mean, why let your family worry about you for years on end if this is how you feel?
When someone is talking about the death they wish for themselves, how does this affect you (and other abrasive commenters) in any way?
Well, to be fair, that particular poster that is being responded to with some hostility or at least with firmness, has been not only talking about the death they wish for themselves, but also directing comments specifically to other posters (myself included) about their situations with their own parents.
First of all (and while I'm speaking of my own personal experience, I am sure I'm not alone in this) I didn't just "put my mom in assisted living to get a break." For starters, it was a joint decision between my brothers, myself, and my mom (as with the OP's parents) and SHE is who approached ME with the statement that she needed to move to a senior living facility.
Secondly, my mother needed and continues to need 24/7 supervision and daily medical supervision. So did my MIL, who unlike my mom, insisted on trying to stay in her own home. Let me explain something to you - when someone needs 24/7 supervision, no one person can do it. You keep talking about getting people to come in to take care of that person - well, my MIL lived out in the middle of nowhere and insisted on staying in her own home. So that meant that we either moved in with them (no), or hired someone to come in to be with her 24/7. Wait - did I say some ONE? No, what I meant was some FOUR. That's right - four aides. That's because there are 24 hours in each day - three 8 hour shifts. Plus people want a couple of days off per week. And someone is always calling in sick or with a family emergency, so you need 4 qualified aides on "staff." So do you know what that was costing for my MIL? Around $10,000 a month. NONE of that was covered by Medicare or Medicaid or insurance, by the way. Every bit of that was out of pocket.
And you know what happened with my MIL? She became more and more isolated. Her depression and anxiety increased dramatically. She refused to do any exercise or physical therapy. Within a few weeks, she was unable to even get up out of her recliner without help - and that was very difficult for one person, so we really needed two people there as often as possible to help her with bathing, toilet issues, etc. And eventually changing her diapers. She refused to eat or drink. It was awful.
She needed to be in a facility - not for her family's sake but for HER sake.
In my mom's case, when her dementia was still very mild and she was reasonable for the most part, SHE approached ME about moving to a facility rather than living alone.
She had choices. But age and health issues limit everyone's choices, including hers (and yours and mine too one day).
She isn't being punished. She's actually living in a pretty luxurious and very safe situation.
I'm not sure you understand just how isolated living alone at home can feel for many people - including but not limited to my mom.
Most of these options become obsolete when dementia sets in. Dementia - which so many elderly and their loved ones struggle with - robs a person of so many things, one of which is their independence. So when you're making plans, be sure to make plans in case you develop dementia and cannot be independent.
Often one of the worst things health wise for a person with dementia is to live in the isolation of their home. Sad but true.
It sounds like your mother was in the late stages of dementia, as I mentioned before that is actively dying and a facility would be in order at that time if you didn't have relatives to stay or be able to take one of those shifts. Other than that it sounds like you did keep her home until she was actively dying. By the time someone needs round the clock care they are no longer living.
Mild to moderate dementia can and is handled at home all the time without 24 hour care. It does not require a hospital staff. There are many stages to dementia and in the early stages staying with what's familiar can increase independence. Moving them to a facility can facilitate a quick decline.
If and when my mom needs care I will keep her at home. If I have to fill one or two of those shifts I can still hire the rest for a break and get respite for a week off. People do this all the time but by the time someone needs round the clock medical care they are dying already. ALF isn't a nursing home care or dementia care and that is what we are talking about. ALFs.
Your situation does not sound the same. Your mom would need hospice at that stage and a nursing home for late stage dementia, not ALF. ALF would not provide round the clock care, you'd still have to hire those aids and pay the 10,000 bucks on top of it as I stated up thread.
As for me, I wouldn't want the care. Even if I have dementia. Like I said, if I have to move to the middle of a forest I'll plan accordingly. It's the same crap shoot in a facility. If I wander off and starve it's my business and my advice was for people who aren't there yet to plan accordingly and plan early. Get use to things before you have dementia set in. That way you aren't learning new skills at an impossible time. There are many devices that can guide a senior through the day with early and mid dementia.
Other than that lesson learned. If you don't want your children making choices for you don't burden them with taking care of you as you age. I'm not so sure why you have a problem with what I'm saying but if the shoe doesn't fit, don't put it on. Your circumstances are different.
You don't have to tell me that's what I'll have because I'm unrealistic. That's just your opinion. You have no idea what I'll need as I age.
Why not just get a gun? I mean, why let your family worry about you for years on end if this is how you feel?
That's exactly my mind set. Why would I let my family worry about me for years on end? I will plan early so they don't. I might get a gun as I'd rather end it that way then be in a nursing home. lol
moving back home is not an option. i've already presented two different ALFs to my parents, which may fit my parents needs better but they are rejecting those options. maybe it just takes more adjustment period ...
Or they go to an ILF with a home health aide. They may have condos/apartments or cottages.
I haven't followed this topic, but it would allow the healthier partner to continue a more stimulating life for whatever time he/she has separate from the other.
Well, to be fair, that particular poster that is being responded to with some hostility or at least with firmness, has been not only talking about the death they wish for themselves, but also directing comments specifically to other posters (myself included) about their situations with their own parents.
Fair enough.
However, in the comments convextech was responding to, the commenter specifically said that's what s/he wanted for themselves.
When someone is talking about the death they wish for themselves, how does this affect you (and other abrasive commenters) in any way?
I don't intend to be hostile. Maybe that came out a little harsh.
As a caregiver, it does affect us. If a parent wants to die, when are we supposed to know it's "this time"?
You know, we come out to the house to help out, and find mom lying on the floor but not dead yet. Are we supposed to ask her if she wants to be left alone and then walk out? And then what happens when we get arrested for it? Because laws and all that...
That's exactly my mind set. Why would I let my family worry about me for years on end? I will plan early so they don't. I might get a gun as I'd rather end it that way then be in a nursing home. lol
Then, to be fair, does your family know you feel this way and not to come checking up on you ever again? How do you resolve birthdays, Christmas, etc.?
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